I Can’t Sleep

Hit my head against the wall till I got black eyes
Sitting on the sofa, drinking soda, watching plants die
It’s stupid, but I’m scared that I might lose it, and I can’t cry

I can’t sleep, I’m outta my head
I’m losing my mind and no one understands
And I can’t breathe, I’m over the edge
I’m dying inside, I’m afraid how this might end

~Tom MacDonald

I don’t know where to begin. I spent my entire yesterday, like a zombie. A zombie with constant tears streaming down my face. My voice is hoarse, from the sheer amount of bawling I’ve done. My entire world crumbled into tiny pieces, Friday night. The scattered shreds of what’s left will never fit together, the way they did before. We have to pick up what we can and build a new picture. The old one, the one I cherished and loved so fuckin much…it’s destroyed.

This is the part where I’m supposed to begin to explain why. I’m just not sure I can do that, yet. My heart aches in such a way, that it feels exaggeratedly heavy inside my chest. Its weight presses up against me and makes every breath harder to catch. Exhausted isn’t even a strong enough word to describe my body, mind, and soul. I did sleep, last night. I slept held tightly inside Adam’s arms, all night long. The night before, I’m not sure if I even got one full hour’s worth of sleep. Combined with the enormous stress and tears, I sort of crashed, last night. That gave me the ability to rest my body. At least a temporary reprieve, from this intense pain. It hovers all around me. I feel it in my sleep, too. I didn’t dream. I don’t even know when the last time I truly smiled was, and I’m used to spending the majority of my days laughing, grinning, and finding the happy all around me. I suppose it would’ve been sometime, Friday afternoon. We all swam, in the pool, and had fun. Adam and Justin fixed a leaky gutter, over our deck. Everyone and everything, was great. Within one unpredictable, unplanned moment, that all went to hell. Like a glass falling onto concrete, what was once this beautiful cup filled with the delicious life I got to carry with me, shattered on the ground. Its contents spilled out, and I watched as they swirled at my feet, recognizing I’ll never get that back inside what’s been so badly broken.

Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I will never be able to repair this. There simply is no going back to where we had been. I cannot fully detail the events that took place. I’ll write the bits and pieces that I can, for now. I was so provoked, by Jackie, I wound up pushing her, toward the gate to exit our backyard, and screamed at her to “get the fuck out“. Adam ran over to me, and wrapped his arms around my body, pinning my arms to my sides. He held me in the air and prevented me from being able to do anything I might regret. The only time I’ve ever lost my cool, that way, is when someone threatens my family. This time was no different. Shortly before this, Adam had been so provoked, he wound up leaving our home in handcuffs. He’s not an angry, or a violent man. His actions were in REACTION to unjustified aggression. Adam’s just bigger and stronger, so he’s capable of much more damage. Despite this, Adam did not seriously injure him. He did not cause anything beyond some shortness of breath, like getting “the wind knocked out of you”, and possibly a bruise from falling to the ground.

As they cuffed his hands behind his back, I ran to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he gave me a kiss. I begged and pleaded NO PLEASE, NO, but I couldn’t save him. He was so stoic. I didn’t even see fear in his eyes. I saw anger. I saw frustration. I’m pretty sure I saw defeat, as well. He was also recognizing how forever changed we were all sentenced to be. Adam told me to lock the doors. As soon as I shut and locked our front door, I slid down it, onto the floor, and began to sob so loudly, I surprised even myself. I cried so hard, for so long. He spent the night, and most of yesterday, in jail. I posted his bond, and was able to pick him up, late yesterday afternoon. He’s never been arrested, or inside a jail cell. He’s a good man. Just like me, though, he has a limit to what he will tolerate. He’d never hit a woman, either. Just to make sure that part’s clear. It was only me, who lashed out at Jackie. I recognize how vague this must all sound. I not only need to be careful, about what I say right now, but I’m also not ready to take myself back through the entirety of the events that transpired. It’s as if there’s a foggy haze, covering everything inside my world. It’s blurry, and unfamiliar. I’m hurting more than I have ever hurt before. This is the depths of pain, for me. I’m scared to death. I’m sad. I’m grieving the loss of what was, knowing we can’t get that back. I’m grieving the loss of what was supposed to be, knowing that’ll never be. Not in the ways it should’ve been, anyhow. This chapter of life, one that I expected was only beginning, has abruptly ended. The pages were torn from the book. The next chapter’s being rewritten, because the story has changed. It’s not what I wanted. It’s not what I intended. Unfortunately, the damage is done. I know that closure will come, in time. For now, I feel ripped apart inside. It hurts more than I knew I could hurt. Adam blames himself. I don’t blame him. I blame myself, because if I hadn’t lost my shit on Jackie, we likely wouldn’t have ended up in this place. Justin and Jackie betrayed us in such a way, it would be impossible to allow them back inside our world. They caused our family to be irreparably damaged. Instead of working with us, they went completely against us. Instead of helping, they helped to harm. It breaks my heart, to have to say that. I never imagined anything like this would happen to me, or to my beautiful life. To our kids. To our family. It’s making me physically ill. I’m not alright. I have to trust that I will be. For right now, though, I’m confronted with the reality we all played our parts to create. So, I have to live inside it now.