~Matt Nathanson
My phone memories made a compilation of photos from New Year’s Eve over the years. 💔❤️
We did have a good time, last night. We played “Cards Against Humanity”, and had some laughs. It’s the first time we’d gotten that game out, since the last time we played it with Justin and Jackie. It’s the little things like that, that are why I often describe even the happy moments as being always coated in sadness. We all stood outside, on our deck, and counted down the last seconds of 2024. Fireworks all over the neighborhood went off, as everyone rung in the new year. Adam kissed me, and I fought the tears that threatened to escape from my eyes. It hurts more than I knew I could hurt, missing so many people who should be here. The people we always celebrated with. People we won’t ever share our holiday fun with, again. People we can’t lean on, while we go through the most challenging time of our lives. There were cheers and kisses. There was laughter and silliness. Even so, the vacant seats always reserved for them are impossible to ignore.
I wish I could make it stop. I would give just about anything to fill these empty spaces. I’m really, really trying. Sometimes, my sadness morphs into anger. I become frustrated, because there’s nowhere to “put” my emotions. I can either take them out on my husband and children, or stuff them down as deep as possible. I do my best to cover up my true feelings, because acknowledging them only ends with a flood of all the pent up anger, hurt, sadness, grief, helplessness, and hopelessness that spills out onto any and everyone in my path.
I had a pretty good day, today. I loved being able to spend the day cleaning and tackling lots of things I’ve been meaning to get done. It feels so good to have all our laundry folded and put away. I made meatballs, scalloped potatoes, and apple fritters for supper. I got the kitchen all cleaned up. I need to make Adam’s lunch, for tomorrow. Then, we’ll go take our shower. There’s been a space between Adam and I, lately. I can’t explain it, and I don’t mean for it to happen. Not consciously, anyway. But, I’m distant from everyone, including my husband. I’m closed off. In hiding, as if I’m hibernating until this storm finally passes. There’s nothing more to say to them. It’s like being trapped in that old movie, Groundhog Day. I’ve tried everything I can think, to wake up in a tomorrow that doesn’t look exactly the same as yesterday. It’s always the same, though. So, what more can I possibly say, that hasn’t already been said about a thousand times? I want to be silly with Adam. I want to want to run my hands over every inch of his body, and feel the ecstasy that came with his hands and his lips on mine. I want to wrap my hands and lips around his manhood, and to moan with pleasure as he moves inside me. Hell, I even kind of want to remember what it’s like to be picked up and bent over his knees, and then spend the following day reminded, every time I sit down! I want to push him just hard enough to get a reaction, because at least that’d be something other than what we’ve been doing together. Coexisting. Writing these things has me pondering, now. Adam and I are either going to fuck or fight, tonight. I want a glimpse of the man who could give me goosebumps with just a look. I miss that guy, and I’m very aware it’s me who’s been shutting him out.
Chronicles in Submission 