I’m a wife and mom trying my best to live out my marriage in submission to my husband. I’m NOT a silent doormat, I’m sassy and I’m a 615 (Nashville) girl. I love to write and this blog thing is really therapeutic for me. I love “my people” fiercely. This is my story.
This really isn’t meant to be a contradiction to my recent post, I’m Still Me. When I said I found myself, and she’s still the me I used to be, I meant it! This song’s sentiment is more of a statement on who I am now, compared to one or two very long, difficult years ago. I’m unbelievably grateful to be in a much much better place.
I’ve been rediscovering my voice. I can hear it in the words I’ve written, here, over the last several weeks. There’s a noticeable shift in my tone and overall mindset. I wonder if that’s apparent, to y’all?
Last week, I was starting to feel like maybe my allergies were getting the better of me. The past couple days, though, I’m wondering if it’s a virus I’m fighting. My girls and I did get our flu shots. I suppose it’s possible I could have mild symptoms, from influenza or something? Or, just a cold. Or, it actually may be bad allergies. Whatever it is, I’ve had the tightening in my throat, that often signals impending days of sounding hoarse as heck, if I’m able to squeak any vocal sounds out, at all. I can’t remember the last time I made it a whole year, without losing my voice at least once!
I’m pretty tired, and low energy, this evening. Which, I absolutely hate. I did record my chili recipe, for anyone interested. It’s a super secret recipe, passed down through generations of my family. Just kidding. I think?
Well, I think I’d better hop in the shower, and get ready for bed early, tonight. Hopefully, some rest will fend off whatever’s attacking my immune system.
There ain’t nothin’ like a Tennessee mountain top Some straight shootin’ neighbors that don’t name-drop With a preacher man prayin’ for peace but still packin’ a gun (you better ask somebody) Singing karaoke in a double wide with smoke so thick it’ll burn your eyes Oh-oh, my sweet Lord, I’ll warn ya Fall in love with an angel, you’ll end up in California
~Kid Rock
I made two versions of the video I’m going to share, here. One for my blog, and one for our family. We were singing this song, but with “you’ll end up in California, or Texas”, haha! My sister and her husband are so happy, building their lives in Texas. We miss them like crazy, but it truly makes my heart happy, seeing her flourishing in their new home. My sister’s seriously grown more in the last few years than most of us do in a decade, or more! She’s a great wife, an exceptional mama, and a beautiful woman, inside and out. Her twenties were a stark contrast to my own. I became a mama, before I was even out of my teens. She was a little wild, sometimes reckless, and mostly unconcerned with any ideas of becoming a wife or a mother, the way I’d always known I wanted to be. She met her husband back when they both were still children, themselves. Then, they grew up and lost touch. Until, he was stationed with the 101st Airborne Division, just across state lines, in Kentucky. The very first night Adam and I spent in our new house, she’d gone to a bar to watch the Super Bowl. Her childhood friend, and future husband, also went to that bar. She became unexpectedly pregnant, soon after that encounter, and the rest is history! They’re a fantastic couple. He’s good to my sister, and also an awesome daddy and provider. It’s been a lot of fun, watching her transform into her new self. She’ll always be her. She’s just a much calmer, settled, content, healthy, and genuinely happy version of herself, now. We swap recipes, clothes, and parenting advice. I sometimes wish we’d been able to have babies closer in age, so they could grow up together. My kids adore Pj! She’ll just grow up with very protective, but cool, older cousins.
It was hard to say “goodbye”, yesterday. I don’t actually say goodbye to people I love. Instead, it’s always, See ya! Hopefully, this “see ya later” won’t be nearly as long as the last one was. I needed the random conversations in my kitchen, the giggles, and the hugs from my sister and my niece! We went out for coffee, no less than half a dozen times, over the week she spent here. Mj and I got to bring her to another little independent coffee shop. They’ve got fish that look just like Dory and Nemo, from the kids’ movie Finding Nemo. I was excited to show them to Pj. We most often took her to our favorite spot, though. Dutch Bros. That’s my girls and my usual choice, for coffee drinks. We also went to a place near our dad’s, where they have a really cute play area for little kids. Pj had a blast! She even made a friend or two, there.
We all went out to a Mexican restaurant, on their last night here. My dad, his fiancé, her daughter (who’s only a year older than my Mj is), Adam, Mj, my sister, Pj, and of course myself, were all there. My big girls are just sooo busy these days, they couldn’t be there. We did all FaceTime, though, one evening. There was a group of older folks seated at a table near us. Towards the end of the evening, it was only them and us, left there. Apparently, they were celebrating a birthday. They sang Happy Birthday. One was adorned with a sombrero, courtesy of the waiter. They began to sing along with music playing overhead, and danced. The waiter joined in. We clapped, and cheered. It was pure shenanigans. That last night ended with a lot of tear filled eyes, as my sister and niece hugged our dad and them goodbye. The next morning, Adam, Mj, and I drove my sister and Pj to the airport. Not before one last trip over to Dutch Bros, of course. At the airport, more tearful hugs were exchanged, and then we watched and waved as they walked toward their gate.
I suppose I should address the cliffhanger I left my last post on…
To be honest, there’s not a whole lot to tell. I actually chickened out, the night I first planned to talk to Adam about it. It probably sounds silly, but he was just so sweet, that night! I couldn’t bring myself to pull that metaphorical trigger. I’d asked him, earlier in the evening, if I could show him my latest blog post? He’d gotten home fairly early, but was still working on some things he could do from home. He’d told me, “Of course! Just as soon as I’m finished with this.” Finally, when he came to me, he said, “Okay sweet girl, let me see it.” I looked up at him, and asked him to give me a minute. He replied, “I’ll give you two.” (Meaning, take your time. Whenever you’re ready.) Later, as we stood at our bathroom sinks, brushing our teeth, he reminded me he still hadn’t gotten to see my blog post. I sort of brushed it off with a shrug, and told him we’d just do that tomorrow. It wasn’t until our nightly shower together, that he again brought up the blog post he’d yet to set his eyes upon. Only then, had he begun to suspect there might be something I needed to share with him inside my writing, and that it may be something to spank my butt for. His suspicions became abundantly clear, after we got out of the shower, when he sat himself on the side of our bathtub, and waited for me to reveal whatever it was to him. That damn bathtub edge is a familiar spot he’s chosen to pull me across his lap. Besides his choice of places to sit and wait, his face wore obvious determination, that I was not getting out of sharing whatever it was he needed to know. He didn’t know what it was, but he knew there was something.
I rubbed lotion on my arms and legs, combed my hair, and applied the various products my curly hair requires, as I finally shared that blog post. I hadn’t divulged any details concerning what it was that I would come clean about. Only that there was something I needed to. So naturally, after he finished reading, I knew it was time to start talking, when his eyes shifted up to look into my own. His expression was now a more stern, serious one, but not angry. More anxiously curious. He listened without a single interruption, as I explained. It truly wasn’t anything intentional, or even one where fault should be laid at my feet. It was something I likely could’ve avoided, had I known to investigate, but not exactly a foreseeable consequence of the actions we’d both been aware of. The real “crime” was in my decision to withhold information, regardless of my reasons for doing so. And I did have some sympathetic reasons. Which is why Adam chose to approach this in such an understanding way. His words were kind, his voice gentle. As predicted, he spoke on the issue of neglecting to discuss things much sooner, no matter how big or small. We don’t keep secrets. We don’t tell lies. Those are two very serious rules, between us. I’m well aware of them, and expect him to abide by them as much as he does me. When that little lecture was done, he sighed and said, “You know I love you…but you also know what’s gotta happen. Right?” My heart raced, knees buckled, as I began to plead with him. He picked me up. It’s embarrassingly easy for him to manipulate my body into any which way he desires, in these situations. I’m incapable of resisting against his strong arms, in any meaningful way. When he’d maneuvered me across his lap, as he began to pull my pajama pants down to expose my bare behind, I repeated “Nooo! Pleeeease!” Then he simply patted me on my ass, and pulled me into his arms. I buried my face into his chest, and told him “Thank you”. Adam lifted my chin, so my eyes met his. In a soft, but very serious tone, he promised me he would not be letting me off the hook, next time. I lowered my head, to rest it on his shoulder. He ended by asking if I understood? I nodded. He once again lifted my eyes toward his, as he said for the second time, “Do you understand?” I knew the words he expected from me, so I said them. Yes sir.
Today’s been yet another super fun filled, but busy one! I got up early, and got Mj off to school. My sister and Pj were up early with us. We got ready, and then headed over to our dad’s. He made us a gigantic breakfast. We had biscuits, hashbrown potatoes, bacon, sausage, eggs, and some chocolate chip pancakes, (Pj’s special request).
When we finished eating, we played in the living room, with Pj, and chatted. My dad brought out an old photo album, from when he was just a teenager. He showed us all the motorcycles and muscle cars he used to have. Plus a whole bunch of his old girlfriends, nearly always wearing bikinis. 😆
My sister and niece will be staying with our dad, for a couple days. I’m planning to go back over there, tomorrow morning. Our dad’s gonna make us another yummy breakfast, and then we’re all going to go check out a new coffee shop, near his place. There’s a kids play area there, so Pj could play while we drink our coffees.
I headed home, this afternoon, and stopped off at the grocery store for a few things. I made a chicken casserole recipe, for supper. I’ll include the video I recorded, while I cooked it, this evening.
There’s something I’ve avoided mentioning to Adam, the last several days. There’s a better than not chance I’ll be in trouble, over it. What I’m most sure of, is the “you need to tell me these things, before days have already passed” lecture that’ll follow my admission. It’s literally been more than a year and a half, since I’ve had this anxiousness over a conversation that could end with an aching backside! Admittedly, there’ve been a small handful of things that likely would’ve, between then and now, but neither Adam or I were in a great place. We spent such a long time just doing our best to survive, mistakes and white lies just seemed wholly unimportant, in the grand scheme of things. Only the last few months, has life truly begun to feel normal. New and different normal, but nonetheless, the baseline has become mostly tolerable. Good, actually. Life is mostly good, again. It’s this fact, that assures the odds of escaping accountability aren’t likely to be high. I certainly do not wish to find trouble! However, it’s situations like this one now, that really prove we’ve found our way through the worst of things. At least, for now. That’s pretty frickin’ awesome. Even though it means my husband’s gonna hold me to those expectations that he’d let slide for a long while.
I fully intend to come clean with this thing I’ve neglected to talk to him about, tonight. So, I guess we’ll find out?
If I just breathe Let it fill the space between I’ll know everything is alright Breathe, every little piece of me You’ll see, everything is alright If I just breathe Breathe
~Michelle Branch
I’ve been soo busy, hanging out with my sister and my niece! Today, it was sunny and warm, so we played with Pj, outside. This afternoon, I drove Mj and her friend over to a local bookstore, and they hung out there. School was out, for President’s Day. My sister and I made our third trip over to my favorite coffee shop. I swear, there’s absolutely zero silence, when my sister and I get together. We fill every space with conversation and laughter! Her and Pj went to bed, so I’ve got a few quiet moments, before I go shower with Adam.
We had a fun Sunday Funday, over at my Dad’s place. My sister and I are planning to drive over to our Dad’s again, tomorrow morning. He’s going to make us a big breakfast, and we’ll just get to spend more time together. My sister and niece are here, until Saturday. We FaceTime often, but gosh I’ve so missed her and Pj! I just love having them here! They’re doing great, in Texas, though. My sister’s husband recently graduated the police academy, so he’s a full fledged cop, now. He couldn’t make the trip, this time. Adam and I are planning to go visit them, sometime in the next year, after they buy their own house.
Pj and Oliver have become best friends!
I really don’t have much else to report, right now. It’s just been a whole lot of fun, right now!
Adam’s getting on me about getting my butt in the shower, with him, so I’m going to end my ramblings.
I’ll drop another video here, that I made last week. My sister specifically requested I make her some ice-cream bread, so I recorded it, on Friday. Goodnight y’all!
Same boots by the door, same old street, Same sunrise pulling me outta sleep. I don’t talk about it like I used to do, But I still feel everything too. I learned how to sit in the quiet alone, Let the nights pass without my phone. Yeah, I bent, but I didn’t break, Still standing here, still got faith. I ain’t perfect, I ain’t brand new, Just a little more honest, a little less bruised. I’m still me, just a little more calm, Still got a heart, still feel it when it’s gone. I don’t love any less, I just love more slow, I don’t chase what I already know. I’ve been hurt, yeah, I’ve been changed, But I didn’t lose myself in the pain. I’m still me, if you’re wondering… I’m still me. I don’t need closure to sleep at night, Don’t need answers to know I’m alright. I let some things fall where they may, Learned not everything’s mine to save. I still believe in love that lasts, Still believe in roots, not just the past. If I give my heart, it’s still real, Just a little more careful with how I feel. I ain’t colder, I just grew
~Rhett Rivers
Call me superstitious. I suppose I am? Everyday, I’ve been wanting to write. I’ve thought of all the ways I might express what’s been whispering so frequently within me. It isn’t that I necessarily noticed, while I’ve been inside the moments. It’s only after, when the quiet comes. My mind replays these simple, yet oh so satisfying, bits and pieces of my day. I realize, I really am still me. The me I relegated to my past. The me my heart has ached for, grieved over, believing she was gone. She’s not, though. In fact, she never left me. I couldn’t entertain the notion that I might somehow manage to hold onto who I was, before. I’d been so convinced she could no longer exist, without those who helped to create her. I shied away from opportunities to shine, again. I hid from everyone, including myself. It was as if I woke up one day, and forgot to pick up the grief, hurt, guilt, shame, and regrets I’d carried everywhere I went, for such a long time. There was no plan, or intention. As I sat alone, pondering over what brought about those first glimpses of this person I remembered, I realized I’d left my mask behind. Slowly, and then suddenly, I gave up on hiding myself away. I said fuck it. And ya know, I feel good. Great, even. I question the idea of celebrating my liberation, though. Will I regret admitting this, now? Is it stupid to be announcing to the world, here I am, come and get me? I’m not sure of the answers to those questions. Well, maybe I am. Maybe, I simply don’t give a shit anymore, about the opinions of anyone who feels somehow threatened by my mere existence. Angry or annoyed, because I just won’t give in, and give up. Well, fuck ‘em, I say! Because, I actually like me, and so do plenty of other people! They appreciate my silly, my sour, my sweet. They looked for me. They asked about me. They couldn’t find me. There’s only one person who could, and all along, that person was myself.
It isn’t easy to explain, but I really and truly, sincerely, am finding joy. I’m bringing it everywhere I go, these days. It’s spreading, too. My husband, my babies, my family and friends, they feel it. I’m downright goofy. I stayed up until the wee hours of morning, making ridiculous TikTok videos with my girls. We laughed til we cried. I don’t even have to choose, or force, or fake, happiness. It’s just, there. Today. I picked my sister, and my little niece, up from the airport. We spent the day talking, giggling, telling stories. I played with my niece. I read her a bedtime story, and got lots of sweet hugs and kisses, from her. Tomorrow, we’re all going to my dad’s house. It’s going to be another beautifully amazing day, filled with the joy that comes naturally, when you’re surrounded by light, love, and laughter.
Adam’s been working, a lot, lately. He’s got a new side hustle he’s been building, alongside one of his friends, and it’s growing. While that’s fantastic, I’m well acquainted with the demands of creating something profitable, and my incredibly goal oriented, driven husband gives so much of his time and energy, when he’s working to build up things he believes in. He leaves the house before sunrise, at least 6 days a week, these days. Then, he finally arrives back home, well after sunset. Some nights, after bedtime even. As tempting as it is, to persuade him to slow down, to take a break, all that accomplishes is arguments. So, I’m doing my best to be supportive. I know what motivates him, and that’s always his desire to provide for his family. I rub his shoulders, keep his supper warm, and leave my body ready and willing for him! He’s staying home with us, tomorrow, so he can spend the day enjoying time with everyone too. I know he’s sleeping, now. I can always hear the way his breathing changes, when he collapses on the couch, and drifts into the rest he so clearly needs. I should sleep, too. I only slept for a couple hours, last night, and it’s almost midnight. Time to bring my exhausted husband to bed, so we’re both ready for tomorrow’s shenanigans.
I also made a few videos, recently. Just some things I’ve been doing, in my kitchen. I’m going to leave one of them, here. I’ll do my best to share the others, and to keep writing, sharing, and spreading more of the pure unfiltered goodness I’ve been so overwhelmed by.
A couple weeks ago, on my way home from an appointment in Nashville, I was feeling a little blue. I tried to fight it, to push those feelings down. As if on cue, this song played. I’ve had it in my playlists for at least a couple years, but it was the most perfect lyrics for my mood!
A few days after that, I’d had an appointment with my eye doctor. I had finally lost my last pair of eyeglasses, and I really hate driving at night without them. Since at least a year ago, I’ve been swearing my eyesight has gotten noticeably better, and I wasn’t wrong! My astigmatism still prevents me from seeing well, at night, but during the daytime, I’m perfectly fine. My prescription was pretty mild before, but now it’s barely a prescription for anything more than my astigmatism. My eye doctor kept insisting it’s incredibly rare for an adult’s eyesight to improve. Somehow, mine has gotten markedly better, though!
Then, about a week ago, I began to hear about this crazy winter storm heading our way. They were calling for us to get up to 20 inches of SNOW!!! I’d never seen that much snow in my life! As it turned out, I still have yet to see anywhere near that amount of snow accumulation. Nope, instead we wound up with about 4 inches of snow, with another 3 inches of sleet and ice layered on top of it. Adam had gotten a giant generator, capable of running our heat, most of our outlets and light switches. He got it plugged into the outlet meant for it, down in our garage, just in case. I really hoped we wouldn’t have to use it, though. I’d gotten plenty of groceries, made sure my car had a full gas tank, and ran any errands needed, before we’d be homebound for several days.
We woke up, on Saturday morning, to some light snowflakes beginning to fall.
An hour later, the snow began to accumulate.
That evening, we started seeing the shift to more ice being predicted to accumulate from freezing rain. Sunday morning, we looked out our windows to find some seriously weighed down trees and power lines.
I’m not sure how we got so lucky, but we never did lose power! My dad lost power from around 5am Sunday morning, through just yesterday afternoon.
We ventured out, just yesterday, for the first time since before this storm arrived.
School’s canceled through this whole week, and Adam hasn’t been to work, either. He’s planning to go in for awhile, tomorrow. I’m going a little stir crazy, being stuck here at home, but this is the first time my new car’s seen winter weather, and I’m not convinced she’ll care much for it! Things have been melting, during the daytime, and then refreezing overnight. Our roads are still pretty messy.
I tried a new recipe, from TikTok. They used Ramen noodles, which I substituted with cooked macaroni noodles. I drained the noodles, and poured them into a casserole dish. Then, I mixed in a can of tomato soup, and 2 cans of chili (without beans). I baked it in the oven, at 350 degrees, for about half an hour. I topped it with shredded cheddar cheese, popped it back in the oven for about 5 minutes, and it was ready. My family gobbled it up! Mj says it reminds her of canned ravioli, and Adam asked me to add that to my cookbook, so I can make it for supper again.
Being trapped within the confines of my home has resulted in lots of baking, yummy meals, and a very organized and clean house, at least!
Sister cries out from her baby bed Brother runs in, feathers on his head Mama’s in her room learnin’ how to sew Daddy’s drinkin’ beer, listenin’ to the radio
Now, sisters usin’ rouge and clear complexion soap Brother’s wearin’ beads, and he smokes a lot of dope Mama is depressed, barely makes a sound Daddy’s got a girlfriend in another town
The south moves north, the north moves south A star is born, a star burns out The only thing that stays the same is Everything changes, everything changes
Time marches on Time marches on, Yeah, time marches on…
~Tracy Lawrence
And yet again, another year has come and gone. The clock struck midnight, fireworks boomed, Adam and I kissed. It’s 2026.
I made chili, and set out a tray, filled with cookies and candy, the kids and I made. We played board games, with friends.
Everyone has gone home, and I’m tired!
I think I’m actually looking forward to this new year. It’s just incredible, how much change comes with the passage of so relatively little time. Sometimes, it’s gradual, and we hardly even notice it. Others, not so much. Some change is deliberate, some is accidental, and some change is thrust upon us. We don’t have to like it, God knows I’m no great fan of it, but eventually what’s new grows to become normal. We’re all so wired for resilience. It’s amazing what we can get accustomed to, with just a little time. With some patience, we persevere. I’ve accepted the place I’m at, now. With quiet anticipation, I welcome the new year. In spite of my apprehension, in those long, difficult steps to get here, I’ve arrived at what feels like a place I can be okay in. Scratch that. A place I will be okay in. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll love it here. One thing I understand all too well, wherever I’m at, whether it resembles a nightmare or a pleasant daydream, I won’t be there for all that long. So, take comfort in that knowledge, when life gets hard. And, cherish the moments that bring joy. Both are fleeting, because time really does “march on”, regardless.
Happy New Year, y’all. I’m going to bed! Maybe I’ll get lucky?
I’ve been sitting in the deep end Confiding into my demons that I’ve neglected healing I’ve been chasing this version of me that I’ve been hating Years wasted mistakes I feared that I’m making and it’s a
Hard swallow that lingers and stings When you’re screaming out but nothing’s leaving your teeth And the bottle’s heavier the more that I drink I tried everything on my knees…
I’ve been giving so many second chances Circumstances, relationships that are damaged And now I’m making, my mask can’t carry this weight I’ve been so ashamed, okay not being okay
And it’s a hard swallow that lingers and stings When you overlook flowers to dwell on the weeds And I can’t point my fingers when my fingers aren’t clean It’s on me, there’s just one thing I need
Somebody take me to church
Somebody take me to church, I need to find peace Accepting my wrongdoings are part of what’s me If you’re up there, send a sign to see I lost myself, I need something to believe Somebody take me to church
~Coey Redd
This song was frequently featured on a playlist I titled simply, It Hurts. My favorite line, in that song, is the one I put in bold. And it’s a hard swallow, that lingers and stings, when you overlook flowers just to dwell on the weeds. I’ve got another playlist titled, Bad Days. There’s one titled Cornhole Nights. One called Faves. One called For My Babies. To name just a fraction of my many playlists! I’m not exaggerating, when I say, music is my way of bookmarking throughout my life’s story. There are lyrics that often express so perfectly exactly what I can’t, or shouldn’t. It’s therapy, for me, to get in my car and crank my music up loud. It’s a very big part of how I heal, but not only that. Music is for celebrating, for motivation, for pretty much any and every occasion imaginable, really. I made a little sign that says, Some days I want the music, some days I need the lyrics, and it’s absolutely accurate.
I watched my Apple Music 2025 replay, and it’s so interesting. Looking back to last year’s, and comparing it to this one. My song choices have documented this journey I’ve been on. It defines so clearly my ups and downs, as I’ve walked through the past couple of years. Something as “mundane” as my music review, at the end of the year, truly has shown me just how far I’ve come. I went from being inside the darkest place, only finding sporadic and limited moments that didn’t hurt, to where I’m at now. There were not so bad days, and sometimes days I could even call good. I’d begin to feel like maybe the worst ones were behind me, only to once again wind up back inside the oppressive darkness I’d briefly escaped. For awhile, I honestly didn’t think there was any reason to keep fighting to get out. I was critically low on hope needed to fuel the determination to continue. It seemed that everything that had mattered had either been taken, or it was only a matter of time until what was left would be. The frustration that comes, feeling entirely powerless against forces much stronger than I was, it left me nearly empty. Void of any emotions at all. I grew to be somewhat reckless, as it just didn’t seem to make a difference whether I did or didn’t do things. What was going to happen, was. I had no control over my own life, and no one could take things from me if there was nothing left to take. It was within that radical “indifference” that I discovered it was, in fact, possible for even more profound damage and hurt to find me. I nearly walked away from Adam, in the midst of that indifference. I’d given up on not only myself and the possibility for a meaningful future, but on our ability to build the fire necessary to sustain our marriage and our family. It was from there, that I made the decision to stop overlooking flowers to dwell on the weeds. Somewhere deep inside me, I found the strength to hold on, when letting go was somehow more comforting than the thought of spending another day with this death grip on something already collapsing. Every single thing depended on what it was that both Adam and I did next. I was done being sorry and miserable. I was not going to continue taking responsibility for choices that were never my own, or for what resulted from them. As for the parts and pieces that were mine and our burden, we’d done enough apologizing for our mistakes. I would no longer allow anyone to dictate when, if, and how I’d get up off my knees. I’m not ashamed of the person I was, nor am. Not anymore. I’m not proud of every single choice I’ve made in life, but I do know exactly where my heart was and is. My motives have never been ugly. My intentions have always been well meaning. My mistakes and my failures are not born of selfish desires, fulfilled by the price of causing irreparable harm to those closest to me. I’m better than that. I’ll not stay down, riddled by guilt and shame, while any other person casts stones at me or my family. I will hold my head up, do my very best to keep far away from those who cannot be trusted, and I’m finished with being afraid of anything they might still manage to throw in my direction. Each step forward is another step out and away from the horrible place I spent so long in. Being happy doesn’t mean I’m never sad. Healing doesn’t mean there won’t be scars. But, I am happy and healing. I understand things will forever look different, but different does not have to mean worse. I’m better, in spite of everything.
I have a few friends, from where I had worked. I’m especially close with one of them, Brittany. On Christmas, we each shared some photos, and wished each other Merry Christmas. That evening, she had sent me a text asking if she could call me. I told her, of course! She was upset and crying, when I answered her phone call. Her family’s as far from perfect as anyone else’s, and there’d been some unexpected drama, on a day supposed to have been a fun and relaxing one, for her, with them. She was hurt and disappointed, frustrated and feeling alone. So, she called me. I listened, offered my best advice, and then said some silly things that made us both giggle. We updated each other on all the latest gossip, and made plans to get together for lunch, on Monday. Before we hung up, she told me love you! I hear those words often, from Adam, my kids, and my family, but it hits different coming from a relatively new friend. I matter to a friend. I’m someone that somebody can count on. Somebody who’s only known me as this version of myself, in the time since who I used to be was dismantled. I’m not just putting myself back together, I am. I am a whole person. I’m not merely my broken pieces. I’ve stitched together the parts I salvaged from before, but with new pieces sewn into the me that people like my friend Brittany know. And, ya know what? I’m enough. Here’s somebody who values who I am, today. Not someone who’s waiting for me to be more like the person I was, but who sees and knows, and can even love this me. I’m giving myself permission to love me, too.
I really and truly am genuinely content in my own skin again, thanks to my family and friends like Brittany. ♥️
And my last name Is a whole lot bigger than I thought it’d be A lotta things changed Except one thing, me
I’m still the same old redneck fuck, don’t give a damn Ain’t afraid to throw a dead buck on my Instagram Grain alcohol in my cup, got the whole house Wall to wall and I still ain’t sold out Wall to wall and I still ain’t sold out
Middle finger to the sky ’til I’m gone and dead .44 in the Ford for the copperheads Alcohol in my cup, got the whole house Wall to wall and I still ain’t sold out
~Hardy
This year, Christmas was just perfect. It was sweet, silly, and a whole lot of fun.
I’d seen a trend on TikTok, awhile back. Everyone was pretending to receive a basic garden rock, indistinguishable from any other, as a gift. I formed a plan, with Mikayla, for Christmas morning. She and I grabbed a rock, from the backyard, and wrapped it up. We recorded me opening it, feigning excitement and surprise, and then Adam’s reaction to this. It was hilarious!
Immediately prior to opening my “gift”, from Mikayla, I’d opened the one Adam had under the tree, for me. I was absolutely stunned! My husband’s never been much for big romantic gestures. This was the most unexpected gift I could’ve ever gotten, from him! Inside an envelope, he’d made a fake “boarding pass”, with my name on it. Behind that, was a letter from him. He wrote incredibly thoughtful words to me, explaining exactly why he wanted to do this for me. He’s sending me, along with my girls, on a “girls trip”, to anywhere I want to go. He’d already talked with my sister about coming with us, and will fly her out to wherever it is we decide to go. As much as the actual gift means to me, it wasn’t what brought me to tears. I was so moved by his words in the letter, and the effort he put into giving me something special.
When he saw the tears in my eyes, and I climbed into his lap, I wasn’t the only one with teary eyes. I could see how much love he’d poured into me, through this gift.
The tears after opening Adam’s present definitely helped “sell” the rock gag gift I opened right after!
We had family and friends over, Christmas afternoon and evening. I made my big breakfast casserole, and we had a tray filled with candy and cookies to snack on. We played games. We laughed a lot. I decided to put a twist on our “white elephant” gift exchange, this year. I passed out $1001 in Monopoly money, to each person. I held up each wrapped gift, and everyone “bid” on them. After the last one was “sold”, whoever still had the most cash leftover, got a bonus surprise gift.
And this was it 🤣
I genuinely couldn’t have imagined this happiness and joy would be possible, again. It absolutely was and is, though. I’m finding myself doing a whole lot more thanking God, with a grateful heart, rather than pleading with Him. The relief in realizing that healing really is possible, even now, even for me, is overwhelming. I’ve never hurt so badly, for so long. I had never experienced true hopelessness, like I did. I felt utterly worthless, and much more like a burden. One thing I’ve learned, among many others, is that there will be some who fight to keep me on my knees. As I attempted to stand, and regain my balance, I’d be shoved back to the ground. It takes a whole lot of courage and determination to keep getting back up. I’m much stronger, now. I’m standing ten toes down, and fuck anybody who doesn’t like it. Fuck em all. I’ve got an army beside me, and thanks to the war we’ve been through, we’re a hell of a lot tougher than anything thrown at us, now. I’m not going to wage any wars on anyone. I’m much too busy celebrating with my people.
Do you remember me? I sat upon your knee I wrote to you With childhood fantasies
Well, I’m all grown-up now Can you still help somehow? I’m not a child But my heart still can dream
So here’s my lifelong wish My grown-up Christmas list Not for myself But for a world in need
What is this illusion called The innocence of youth? Maybe only in our blind belief Can we ever find the truth
There’d be No more lives torn apart That wars would never start And time would heal all hearts Every man would have a friend That right would always win And love would never end This is my grown-up Christmas list
~David Foster
Today is the eve of Christmas Eve. I’m not quite sure I’ll be able to find the right words, here. I think I’m supposed to be consumed by the pangs of sadness that do sometimes wash over me. Especially during the holidays. I’m not, though. I’m doing alright.
I really needed to take a break. I needed to step back from my need to express the overwhelming emotions that cycled through me. Some days were made of mostly anger. Some grief, and a hurt I can’t begin to describe. Some days, I wanted to scream out to the whole world, telling everyone exactly how much malice lies within those feigning innocence. The denials I’ve heard, while I kept quiet about what I actually knew, understanding there was no way of them knowing just how many of their secrets and lies had been exposed to me. So much I’d seen and heard, for myself. There’s simply no way to escape the truth, even when it breaks your heart. Even when you believed you’d buried it deep enough where no one would ever find it.
Instead, I let go. I don’t need recompense, retribution, or to retaliate. None of those things can change what was and is now. My marriage reached a crisis point, a few months ago. Adam and I couldn’t even find ourselves, let alone each other. If something didn’t change, and soon, our relationship would also fall into disrepair. So, I decided to let go of things I’m powerless myself to erase, change, undo, redo, and stop from happening. I put my energy into what it is that I can do. I went to God. I forgave, and I asked Him for forgiveness.
Slowly, at first, things began to change. Until, one day, it was as if my world had gone from dreary black and white, to bright and vivid colors again. I can honestly say, I don’t give a damn what anyone else says or thinks. I can’t forget, but I also won’t survive if all I do is remember. I’m choosing to find the good, and to rejoice in it. I’m truly happy, for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. For me, contentment equals happiness. Not living in regret and fear, but for today. Giving love to those sat around me, today.
Things with my husband are starting to feel a lot like they did, before. I’m learning to trust in him, while he’s learning to trust in himself.
Today, I’ve been baking all kinds of cookies and candies. I’ve got my favorite Christmas music playlist on. I’ve got all the gifts wrapped. I’m giggling with my girls. I’m excited for Adam to get home from work, this evening, and to spend the rest of this week with my family.
Chronicles in Submission 