Life, lemons, lemonade..and all that BS

For reasons I’d rather not get into, my dad has moved in with us for awhile. I’m sort of in this weird place of trying to “parent” my parent, while also parenting my children. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without Adam. He is the only person in my life who I don’t have to be strong around. I have a younger brother and sister. Being the oldest, I’ve always assumed the role of the leader, the strong one. I’m not much of a crier. I hide my fears, my pain, my sorrow from the world. Adam takes on all of those emotions that I can’t share with anyone besides him. This whole last year has been the roughest year of my life, so far. I didn’t know it was possible to hurt this badly. I guess I’ve been pretty privileged to not have grown up in chaos or experienced loss like I have recently. I look around me, and every person I know is going through something right now. This is such a difficult time for everyone. Knowing and feeling sad that others are hurting still doesn’t stop my own pain. It’s real. It’s here with me all the time.

I really really need Adam to spank me, to fuck me, to tell me exactly what he wants me to do to him, and exactly what he plans to do to me. I need to feel sexy again. I need to escape from all of this responsibility for just a few toe curling, orgasmic minutes. I already feel mostly helpless against the things happening to and around me. It’s different being helpless with Adam, though. I know I’m safe with him. I know he’s got me. I know he isn’t ever going to let me down. He is my safe space in this life. I never thought I’d let myself need a man. Want, yes. Love, yes. Need, noooo. Adam had a very near death experience a few weeks ago while he was working on his truck. In that split second, I saw my future without him, and it terrified me. When did I get so needy? Am I irresponsible for allowing myself to get this deep in? I can’t swim to shore anymore. I’m too far out. My lifeboat is my husband. For better or worse, that’s the way it is.

Dominated

It’s such a cruel irony how often the very thing I need is what I’ve been pushing away in a naive attempt to protect myself from any additional distress. On some level, I think Adam and I knew what we both needed, both deeply craved but outwardly denied ourselves and each other. There was never any malicious intent. In fact, we were each doing what most anyone would logically conclude was the “right thing”. We had been through hell. We’d stuck by one another, never wavering in our commitment to our marriage and family, but our relationship wasn’t the problem, so it wasn’t getting any attention. We were exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I was hurting, Adam couldn’t fix it, and he felt guilty, inadequate even. I knew Adam was struggling so I tried not to lean on him or put any additional pressure on him. We were both trying to protect each other but began to slowly wither away as more and more time passed without giving each other the things we couldn’t give ourselves. We would fall into bed and think only of sleep. Adam still kissed my forehead before he went to work each morning. We never hung up the phone before saying I love you. We went through all the motions, continuing in our repetitive and boring daily lives until finally, one night, Adam took me. We climbed into bed like all the nights before, only this time he immediately rolled over on top of me. He leaned down and kissed me long and hard. He undressed me and then slowly, deliberately parted my legs with his. [SIDE NOTE: that is one of the sexiest things my man can do to me! There’s something about the way he uses his legs to spread mine without my even really noticing until he’s already done it…purrr]

That night Adam had his way with me. He wasn’t exactly gentle, but he made love to me. It was so much more than sex. He showed me he wanted me, reminded me that I’m his, took back his place as leader and a man, my man. He held me down, pulled my hair, and took his time making sure to give every inch of my body his full attention.

The thing is, I didn’t realize the significance of that night right away. I struggled so much to push away all of the negativity bouncing around in my mind. I didn’t even have an orgasm. Over the next couple of days, though, I kept finding myself daydreaming about Adam. I was noticing him and his body. I wanted to feel his touch again. I felt so much “lighter” as I began to trust and allow Adam to help me take on the chaos and stress. The Bible says not to deny each other our bodies (sex) in marriage. I truly believe there’s a good reason that was put in there and I think I understand it better now. Each night since, we’ve had sex. Everyday, I’m feeling better and we’re growing closer again. Sex in the midst of life’s tragedies can seem inappropriate. We were fooled into believing that during a time when we needed each other most. Adam would’ve let me get away with murder a week ago. Looking back, I was acting out in small ways to test him. I was hoping to push the right button just hard enough that he’d discipline me. I needed him to reaffirm his role and mine. HE was needing to reaffirm his role and mine. Isn’t that ironic?

Some positive thinking

I have a few positive thoughts I wanted to write about. First off, I haven’t smoked a cigarette in over 3 whole months! Even when life went to hell in a hand basket almost immediately after I quit, I didn’t touch a single cigarette. I’m patting myself on the back seeing this is actually a pretty big accomplishment as I ponder it all.

My next positive thought was in realizing Adam and I are getting our groove back. For the first time in months, I’m able to go to bed and do things besides lay there with a head and heart full of my nightmare inducing reality. Finally, I’m wanting and enjoying sex again!

I’m also enjoying music again for the first time in way too long. Music has helped me to climb up out of every tough spot in my life. The last several days, I will get in my car, crank up my iTunes playlist, and drive around the city for as long as I need to jam out. I’m currently sitting in the school parking lot waiting for my daughter and playing Jason Aldean’s newest album. “Ride All Night” is one of those sexy songs that makes me text naughty things to Adam. My dad is in the music industry, and I grew up with music being a big part of my life. I suppose that could be why it has so much meaning and power for me. My daughter plays guitar, writes songs, and she sings in honor choir, so I believe that “gene” has passed onto the next generation as well! Whatever the reason for my love of all things musical, it is helping me to get back to myself, and it’s amazing.

I’ll end this post here, and maybe have sent some of my positive vibes out into blogland as well. Hope everyone has a blessed and beautiful day!

Landslide

“Oh mirror in the sky, what is love. Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? ….time makes ya bolder, children get older, I’m getting older too…”

Listened to this song the other day and it brought forth so many suppressed emotions from within me. This “season” of my life is a tough one. I nearly lost a child a couple of months ago. My child will never be the same person he was before he made the mistake that we all live with forever now. Kids don’t understand consequences. That their choices can literally cost them everything. We were just getting to a place where we were building our new normal as a family, and then my mom got sick. Her health went downhill so fast. She spent 4 weeks in the hospital. She was just released on Tuesday afternoon, but her life looks very different now. Which means, once again, my life was turned inside out as well. I’ve been put in this very difficult position of having to sort of “parent” my own parents. My dad has struggled terribly with all of this. I’ve tried to be strong for him and for my mom.

My relationship with Adam is solid. We are committed to one another. The tragedy we’ve dealt with, we’ve done it together. Poor Adam so badly wants to take my pain, but life doesn’t work like that. I’m married to an amazing man. I’m stubborn and I’ve retreated within myself over the last several weeks. I hadn’t even been able to write here about everything. I couldn’t acknowledge everything because I knew that I would completely fall apart if I spent any time allowing myself to feel. I’m starting to slowly give my own pent up feelings a voice. I didn’t intend this blog of mine to have “heavy” things like this written in it. It was supposed to be a lighthearted and fun blog where I could write about the kinkier, sillier side of my relationship. There hasn’t been a whole lot of that stuff in our marriage lately, though. I want to get back there so badly. I was wondering to myself if this is just life now. Is painful, life altering, shit going to keep coming at me regularly? I’m 35 years old. I think I’m honestly much more afraid of getting old than I am of dying. The older I get, the more people I find myself saying goodbye to. I miss the life I had five minutes before I got that phone call from my son’s school back in August. I haven’t felt “light” in such a long time.

I know this isn’t an upbeat, fun thing I’ve written here tonight. I suppose that’s part of the reason I haven’t been writing, too. I’m not a negative person. I’m not one of those people who seem almost giddy to have an excuse to be a grouch.

I don’t have a good way to end this post, so I’ll just leave it here and hopefully the coming days will bring me something good to write about 🙂

Upside down & inside out

Friday afternoon, I got a phone call that changed my life forever. I’m not ready to write about the details, but it has to do with my son. He was immediately taken to the closest hospital and then transferred to a children’s hospital. I’d been having a great day. I got out my fall scented candles and started to change out my summertime decorations with fall ones. My house smelled like cinnamon apples and pumpkin spice. I was sitting in the kitchen talking with a friend when my phone rang. It was his school. I don’t even remember the drive to him. Seeing my little boy like he was, I just can’t write about it yet. He’s alive, he will recover, but our life is going to look different for a very long time while we help him to heal. He’s still in the hospital, but he’s in good spirits. I managed to keep it together all but once in front of him. The frustration, anger, and fear got to me as one of the doctors explained something I didn’t understand and I couldn’t stop the explosion of tears and the angry words that flew from my mouth. My sweet boy tried to comfort ME. He told me “it’s okay mama, I’ll be okay.” I love him so much my chest is literally aching as I’m writing this.

I’m sorry for the cliffhanger, I’ll try to give more information as I’m able to, but I can’t make words out of the emotions I’m feeling right now. One miracle I can share today, my cousin is going to be going into rehab on September 4th and has pulled through after we didn’t think he would make it several times over the last couple of weeks! I believe in the power of prayer y’all.

Heat wave

It’s been HOT and HUMID here the entire month of August so far. I love summertime, but this heat is taking a toll on all of us. Adam’s been coming home grumpy and I hate it. He doesn’t yell or anything like that, he’s just more distant and quiet. He isn’t as playful or sarcastic and silly. He’s exhausted and drained from yet another day spent out in this triple digit weather. I can’t blame him. I understand. I miss my husband, though. This week has been the worst. I’m also PMS’ing, so my hormones are wrecked. For all of these reasons, I’ve struggled to find anything creative or interesting to write about. I have a few saved drafts that I started when I had good ideas pop up, but not enough time to finish my thoughts. Maybe I can work on those?

When he falls off his horse

Adam is strong, smart, handsome, generous, and very rarely overtaken by his emotions. I can only think of one life event that brought him to tears in the 12 years we’ve been together. His dad had battled cancer when Adam was in college. He won that battle and remained cancer free right up to the five year mark, and then it came back. It came back with a vengeance. I remember the night his parents asked us all over and his dad rocked nervously in his favorite chair as he did his best to hold back the tears while he explained to us that the prognosis was not good. His dad was dying. Only five short months later, we sat around Adam’s dad in a hospital bed and watched him take his last breath. It was just after 5:00am when we left the hospital. After we got home, Adam went to take a shower and I knew he just needed to be alone for a few minutes. About half an hour later, he re-emerged with bloodshot eyes. It was obvious that he’d been crying. Now, I absolutely do not subscribe to the notion that boys/men should not show emotion. I think it’s unfortunate that we have spent so long teaching little boys that to cry is to show weakness and that it’s a “girly” thing to do. Having said that, I also know that men generally don’t share their feelings in the same way we women do. Men don’t think like we do. Adam is a man. He takes care of business. He is my knight in shining armor ever ready to slay the dragons and save me. Occasionally, even knights fall off their horses, though. Life is hard whether you’re a man, woman, both, or neither. As humans, we all have times in life where we need someone to comfort us and to help us back up after we’ve been knocked down. Even tough guys need help sometimes. I love Adam so deeply. I rely heavily on his ability to be the predictable and stable and responsible man he is. When I saw his heartbreak, his pain that morning, I went into “mama bear” mode. I was the protector. I was the rock for awhile. I laid in bed with Adam and ran my fingers through his hair while more silent tears fell. I understood the hurt and frustration that comes from not being able to fix it. Adam is the fixer, the protector, the calm in every storm. I am absolutely willing and able to step up and be those things for him in those moments when he needs me to. I can be strong and brave. I can hold back my own emotions so that I can be there for him when he needs me more than I need him. I can pick him back up, dust him off, and help him back onto his horse and then Adam can carry on being my knight in shining armor.

Update

I wrote about my cousin who’s an alcoholic and in the hospital not doing well last week. He’s hung on through the week, but he’s a long way from being well yet. They’ve been taking him through detox and pumping his body full of antibiotics trying to kill the infection riddled throughout his body. He’s developed a high fever since last night and the doctors have decided they are going to do the lung surgery on him tomorrow morning. They feel they need to clean out his lungs and that’s where the infection is lingering now. It’s scary, because they initially have said that his body is too weak and sick so surgery wasn’t an option until he was stronger. He isn’t getting stronger, but at this point, they feel the risk of surgery is better than doing what they’ve been doing because he isn’t getting better. My mom has flown out there to be with her sister and my cousin (mom’s nephew). I’m so glad she’s able to be there for this because tomorrow and the following hours are going to determine his future, or whether he will have one. There’s a song by Brantley Gilbert called “Just as I am”. I asked my mom to play it for him because it happened to play this morning while I was cleaning with music playing and I was singing along when, all of the sudden, I sang the words “ya know most folks don’t understand, that I’m talking ’bout pouring out my best friend”, my voice cracked and the tears started to pour. I don’t want him to die, but I also don’t want him to live one more day as a drunk either. I want him to get sober and healthy. I want his son to know his dad as the man he is underneath the addiction. I don’t know if my cousin can do it, but I’m praying for God to give him strength to turn this around. I do believe miracles happen all around us everyday. None of us deserve the blessings we get, but we’re saved by grace anyway. He doesn’t deserve a miracle, but I’m asking for one anyway.

Trouble squared (part II)

I always do my best to time supper so that it’s just about ready when Adam gets home from work. He can get home anytime between 5:30 to 8:00pm, so I’ve learned over the years how to time meals out just right so the food is hot and fresh for him and we can all eat together at the table. We had extra kids over, so the house was noisy and chaotic when Adam got home and I was getting all the kids plates of food dished out. We sat down, said our dinner prayer, and enjoyed our meal. Adam has this thing he’s always done when I’m rinsing the dishes at the sink he comes up behind me, pats my butt, and then reaches his arms around me and gives me a hug and a kiss and thanks me for a good supper. I chose that moment to announce that I had something I had to tell him. We also have a thing between us when it comes to sharing something that makes me nervous or that I know is likely to upset him. We shower together every evening, and that is when we talk about everything on our minds. There’s something about being naked in front of one another. We’re vulnerable and we can’t walk away if we get angry. We have had many a heated discussion standing in the shower together! I knew he wouldn’t be happy about the whole electric bill situation, but I also knew it wasn’t the kind of thing that would cause an argument or make him seriously angry with me.

A few hours later, I told Adam “let’s go take our shower.” He laughed and said I must be excited to get my spankin’ over with. He didn’t yet know what had happened, just that something had. It was finally time to fess up and I felt a little bit nervous all the sudden. I began with “you know how stressed out I was a few weeks ago? And you know I usually do a great job making sure I take care of things at home?” At that point, he probably thought I was about to drop a serious bomb on him because he looked really worried. I told him all about what had happened, but I wasn’t planning to mention the extra fees we had to pay until Adam asked about how much more it cost us. How did he know about that?! He had a serious look on his face at first, but then he grinned a slight little half grin that tells me he’s not too upset. He pulled me close to him and then brought his hand down hard on my behind. I yelped and he announced I had 5 more just like that coming. His hands can touch me in so many different ways. They’re gentle and reassuring. They give a great back massage. They hold me close and make me feel protected from the world. They can also feel hard as a block of wood. His hands were blocks of wood last night. When he finished, he asked me what I’d learned and y’know what I told him??? I told him I’d learned that he has shitty aim because he got my back twice! (He didn’t really get my back, but he typically spanks lower where I’ve got more padding.) This is the reason I titled this blog post, “Trouble squared”. I just had to say something snarky, which landed me in much deeper water. The truth is, Adam laughs at my silliness. He loves me and all my sassy southern ways. He isn’t trying to change me or anything. He has randomly slapped my behind probably 20 times over the last couple of days just to ask if his aim was better that time, but if I ever did or said something that made him truly angry with me, he would never lay a hand on me. This is our thing. Occasionally, there is a more serious message behind the discipline Adam is giving me. This time, the message was “please don’t screw up my credit because you haven’t paid a bill” and that IS something to take seriously. As for my sarcastic response, though, that did not mean that I wasn’t appreciating that I had done something stupid and this was on the more serious side of punishment rather than mostly playful. I did understand that and I did feel bad. Adam knew I felt terrible and that I don’t regularly ignore our bills. I say silly things to lighten the mood sometimes. I sometimes get sarcastic when I’m nervous. For Adam and I, my remark wasn’t meant or taken as blatant disrespect. I did get a much more sore rear end for it, but not because Adam was genuinely angry with me. I never have to be afraid to say something to him. I never have fear in those rare instances when he is truly angry. I know that he would never put his hands on me in anger, even with DD in our marriage. Once things have calmed down, discipline absolutely happens! But, I wanted to make it abundantly clear that he did not and would not spank me if he was really truly mad at something I’d done or said. My butt was sore the next morning, and again last night, but my spirit is not ever bruised or beaten by Adam.

Trouble squared

Yesterday morning, about 8:00, our power cut off. I didn’t think too much of it at first because they’ve been blasting nearby and it’s been briefly cutting off and then back on again. After about 10 minutes had passed, I got more concerned. I called the electric company to report our outage and was notified via automated voice that the reason our lights were out was because the light bill wasn’t paid! I promptly pushed zero a bunch of times so I could reach an actual human because I knew I had mailed in a check toward the end of July and I was ready to let the incompetent fools have it. They don’t play around here. If your bill isn’t paid by the next months meter reading, they’ll cut ya off, so I’ve always made sure I got a check in on time. As I was waiting for the human I planned to give a piece of my mind, I opened my bill planner notebook to look up exactly when I’d mailed in the check. As I flipped through the pages, an envelope stamped and addressed to the power company fell out… I would have sworn I’d mailed that! I could’ve passed a lie detector I was so sure of it. Clearly, I had not, in fact, put a check in the mail. Mercifully, the elevator music playing through my phone was still going and nobody had answered my call yet. After a couple of minutes, a nice lady answered and I explained my situation. I was thoroughly embarrassed. We’ve never had a utility cut off for non payment before. I have always done a good job staying on top of our bills and payments. Adam also knows when everything is due and often double checks that everything’s taken care of each week. Our system always worked well, until yesterday. I paid the bill over the phone which cost an extra $2.50 for the convenience of using their automated phone pay system plus an extra $37 “reconnect fee”. This was an expensive mistake! I was dreading the evening when Adam would come home and I’d have to tell him. I briefly considered keeping my screw up a secret, but I’m a shitty liar and the guilt always gets to me anyway. It wasn’t punishment I was afraid of. I was ashamed and worried that Adam wouldn’t trust me to take care of our finances anymore. I knew that I had let him down, even if it wasn’t a purposeful mistake. Had I been paying attention, I get bank notifications for every debit and credit on our account and that check should’ve gone through within a couple days of mailing the check.

I have to take my daughter to her bus stop, and this blog is long enough already, so I’m going to end on a cliffhanger and I’ll post a part 2 later today. I called this blog “trouble squared” because had I not chosen to open my great big sassy mouth while Adam was lecturing me, I’d have gotten off relatively easy. Instead, I thought it was a good time to be a smart ass.