Heavy

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go, but there’s comfort in the panic

And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy

I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry

I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

~Linkin Park (feat. Kiiara)

My choice of song title and lyrics, here, probably give the impression that I’m not okay. Especially considering that I haven’t written in far too long.

I’m okay.

It’s really frustrating me, that I’m finding it difficult to pour out my thoughts into my own blog. One I created some EIGHT YEARS ago, as an outlet for them. I’ve written about my deepest sorrows, my hardest struggles, my greatest joy, and everything in between. I found real healing, from the process of forming my thoughts into these words that filled the “pages” of my blog. I learned things about myself, through simply acknowledging things I was feeling, here. I genuinely got to know and understand who I was, and why, in ways I hadn’t before. It’s not always easy, putting words down, into sentences and then paragraphs, but it allowed me to get out of my own head. Sort of like letting go of things I’d held onto, for such a long time. I so badly want to keep pouring myself out, into my blog. It’s been tough for me to do it, though. Partly because of choices I made, in the past, to share some of the pieces of these incredibly raw and vulnerable things I’d once written inside here. I’m really uncomfortable with the fact that my story, my life, could be accessed by anyone who’s no longer welcome inside it. I don’t want to be writing anything specifically directed to someone else. I’m not interested in conversations with someone who’s been relegated only to my past. I know that I can’t be honest, if I’m having to carefully curate my words, because I’m fearful over them landing in the ears of someone who might twist them to fit a narrative, or who might expose my most intimate and personal feelings and experiences. It seems silly, in a way, because I’ve literally opened myself up to an entire online audience, but you’re here because something I’ve shared has been relatable to you. Not because you’re prying into my world, gathering up information that could be used as ammunition to hurt me. Even more than all that, I need to move the fuck on. There is this knee-jerk reaction, when I’m accused of something I haven’t done, or been lied to and about. I spent way too much of my time attempting to defend myself and my family, against bullshit, and to anybody who actually believed it. I’ve come to realize, that’s absolutely pointless. “Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.” That’s my favorite quote, and it couldn’t be truer. It’s one thing to falsely paint some grotesque version of me, that never existed. It’s a whole other thing, if it’s accepted and believed by others. Not others who’ve never known me, but those whom I’d always expected would know me better than that. It honestly doesn’t make a difference, if time has proven I’m not the most vile things said about me. It doesn’t change the reality of those who said them, or of those who could have ever believed them.

I spent such a long time questioning who I even was. Who I am, now. Wondering, how could anyone have been capable of believing that I wasn’t the person I’ve always proven myself to be? I laid myself bare, before those I’d loved and cared for. I never hid from my flaws or mistakes. I didn’t put on some elaborate disguise, meant to fool those I let know me, into believing in me, or loving me back. Sure, there are certain things that are only shared with my husband. Some things only reserved for those I thought I could trust most in this world. There were no shameful secrets, though. No parts of myself that I kept hidden, because if exposed, I’d no longer be trusted, wanted, or loved. I don’t let people “in”, easily. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been cautious about opening up myself and those close to me. I wear a brave face. I put on a smile, and I can easily make small talk with folks, but really getting to know me takes time. There are few people, who I’ve felt confident I can be my whole self with. That I could show my weaknesses to, and who I explicitly trusted never ever would use their knowledge of where I hurt the most, to turn and inflict maximum damage upon me. Despite this urge to protect myself, I’ve still managed to welcome in people I never should’ve. I’ve chosen to overlook clear and glaring warnings, that signaled serious potential danger lie ahead. I’ve made excuses for some unbelievably cruel things, done by people I repeatedly convinced myself truly cared about me, and about what they’d done to me. I’d tell myself, that wasn’t who they are. I knew who they were, and whatever choices lead them to threaten or to damage me and my family, those were involuntary responses to trauma that was never their fault. If I just love them enough. If I refuse to let go, no matter how hard they might push me, they’ll change. I forgave, time and time and time again. What in the hell is wrong with me, that I can be so utterly shocked when they ripped out my heart, and proceeded to trample over it?

None of this was what I came here to say, though. What I really hope to convey, is this sense of peace I’ve grown to feel. I’m not angry, anymore. I’m not broken. I’m not lost. I was keenly aware of the rain clouds that hung over me, and followed me everywhere I went. For far longer than I’d ever imagined possible, those clouds prevented the warmth and light that the sunshine brings. They blocked it from anyone who stood near me, too. I felt so guilty, for dimming the light over every single person around me. I’ve quit carrying that shame, and blaming myself for needing someone. The truth is, there are times when we’re stuck inside a terrible storm. Sometimes, we all just need someone to love us enough to come sit with us, in the rain. It’s inside the most unbearable place I’ve ever been trapped within, that I found the greatest sources of strength. I don’t need everyone to love me. I can’t do it alone, though. I have so many people, who stayed with me, through that dark and difficult time. My focus is on them, and that truth, rather than the hurt generated from rhetoric and lies. Not even this incredible series of unfortunate events have defined which paths I’m allowed to take. No person possesses the power to determine the future which I’m entitled to strive towards. My spirit cannot be broken, stolen, or destroyed. I’ve spent time with God, everyday, over the last several months. I discovered that, not only does He speak to me, I can hear Him. Not “hear”, as in an auditory voice being spoken. (Don’t worry, I haven’t suddenly developed schizophrenia.) It’s the way I’ve seen Him guide my thoughts, revealing things I’d never have otherwise understood. My most recent example of what I’m talking about, was last week. I was driving, alone in my car, listening as my stereo played all my favorite treble, mid, and bass notes, in one of the songs from my “favorites” playlist. It occurred to me that heaven probably doesn’t play songs like that one, over their speakers. I felt a pang of sadness, about that. Immediately, a verse I’d vaguely known from the Bible, sprung into my mind. When I was a child, I thought as a child. I behaved as a child. When I became a man, I put away childish things. Then, I thought of the things I loved, as a child. I don’t crank up songs like “baby shark”, or the theme song from a show about a puppet named “Lambchop”, that forever goes “this is the song that doesn’t end. Yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue singing it forever just because…” As great as that music was to my little ears, it certainly isn’t my style, now that I’m grown. That’s exactly how so many of my questions about finding pleasure in Heaven, without things I’ve enjoyed here, were so perfectly answered for me, in that one simple explanation. It all began to make sense. That is how God talks to me, and it’s a comfort that I’m incapable of describing.

I’ve been working on my relationship with Christ, but also with my family and my friends. I’ve reacquainted myself with my husband, in ways I hadn’t done in awhile. His hands have reintroduced themselves to my behind, too. Although, mostly just in fun. I’ve spent a lot of time with my girls. It’s Summer break, so Mj and I hang out everyday. Mikayla got an internship, in Knoxville, over the Summer. She’s busy! We went down there, about a week ago, and spent the weekend with her. She’ll be home on Thursday, for a long weekend, over the fourth. We’ve got plans to go out boating, with some friends. Then, we’re going to come back to our house to swim in the pool, bbq some supper, and then set off some fireworks, along with the neighborhood. I’m looking forward to it, a lot!

I know I’ve gone on a few long hiatuses, over the years, and I really do apologize for being MIA, with no explanation. I’m trying to navigate through the messes. As much as I sometimes do want to defend myself and my family, I refuse to aim the spotlight over onto someone else’s ugly mess. Even if it reveals who’ve actually been responsible for them, and could clear me and mine of an undeserved blame for it. That’s another big lesson I’ve learned, out of a long and difficult journey, through the hardest season of my life. Even if I can’t fully comprehend what or where I’m meant to go next, or how any of this might one day make sense to me, I know I’m not alone. I trust that one day, sooner or later, all the pieces will fit, and I’ll look back with gratitude for something beautiful that could come out of even the most painful things I’ve endured. I found myself on a ship that was sinking. We searched for something to keep us afloat. Then, we spent long days, praying for rescue that didn’t seem to be coming. So, we swam. And we swam. And we swam some more. When we finally got out of that ocean, we were exhausted and frail. The celebration, after we knew we’d made it onto the shore, wasn’t quite the “end”. As much of a relief as it was, we weren’t back home yet. What I’ve been up to, was about recovering. Finding my way back to my husband, my children, family, friends, and to Christ. They’ve all helped me to feel safe, again, and it’s with and through all of them that I was able to find myself. To reclaim my identity, and to be unapologetic about choosing to do so. I can breathe. I can relax. I can put down the sword and shield I’ve been carrying. I’m home, and I’m done feeling ashamed of having the courage to move on without the ones who didn’t believe in me.

I Don’t Get Tired #IDGT

Get it

Get fly

I got six jobs

I don’t get tired

~Kevin Gates

I spent today hanging out with my kid, and it was a blast. I woke up full of goofy energy, and it translated into a really fun afternoon, with Mj. Adam was late, getting home from work. From pretty much the first moment he walked in the door, my silly was turnt up to a 10. I suppose my unmedicated ADHD brain could be to blame, but my family laughs with me, so I don’t think it’s a problem.

Mj and I made some fruit pastries, this afternoon.

I made fiestadas, for supper, and recorded a video I’ll share here. The video quickly devolves into utter chaos, but if anyone needs a laugh, you’ll not be disappointed.

https://youtu.be/Gt4rZi9mkkU?si=cZ_s-lezAcc9zMFM

Today was a perfect day, to have a good day, and it absolutely was just that. ♥️

Blame it on The South

~Dusty Leigh & Brandon Hartt (Feat. FJ Outlaw)

I spent the entire day down in our basement, cleaning, reorganizing, and rearranging things. I hung new curtains. I took one of my cube shelves, and I added wood grain contact paper to the top. I’m really proud of how that turned out!

Tomorrow, I’m taking Mj out for coffee. We’re going to do a little shopping, too. Then, on Friday, we’re planning to take that hike we’ve been wanting to. Last Sunday, it was humid, hot, and crazy windy. That night, storms blew through. We wound up with a tornado warning. The first of this year, for us.

We didn’t really end up seeing much action, though. Just wind.

We woke up, Monday morning, to temps down into the thirties! It was cold, Monday and Tuesday. Today, it warmed back up into the 60’s. Tomorrow, we get back to high 70’s-mid 80’s, for the foreseeable future.

I’m such a night owl, these days. Adam asks me to come to bed by 11pm, weeknights. I usually do, too. Last night, though, it was after midnight before I climbed next to him in bed. He pulled me into his arms, and told me if I’d come to bed earlier, I’d have gotten laid. I asked, what if I wanted to get laid, now? He insisted, he needed to sleep more than he needed sex, at that point. I put on my best pouty face, looked up at him and said, more than you need me?? Adam looked back at me, grinned, and told me to take off my pants. Just as my “rollercoaster” was about to reach the top, the ride was over. I told Adam, I deservvve thisss… and I did, in fact, deserve it. Therefore, I’ll be making absolutely certain my butt’s in bed earlier, tonight.

So, on that note, it’s time for me to go upstairs, get naked, and shower with my husband.

Weeping Willow

That girl can take a gray sky and paint it blue
She can put the smooth in the 90 proof
She can hang the moon in a sundress
Even put a sinner on a front pew
She can make shining diamond
Out of West Virginia coal
She can put a smile on a weeping willow

~Warren Zeiders

She didn’t even know I took this pic, lol

I drove past my old neighborhood, the other day. The trees, just before its entrance, look so pretty.

It’s definitely starting to look and feel a lot like Spring, here. Everything’s growing, blooming, blossoming. The grass, the trees, and my babies. Mj’s having a much better year, this year, than last. She’s growing up so fast, I can hardly even keep up with the changes. She can be a broody young teenager, moods swinging so quick they’ll gimmie whiplash, some days. Most days, though, she’s still my sweet little girl. Just a little bit less little. We got her a ridiculously expensive gaming laptop, for Christmas. She loves playing online games with her friends, but also she’ll often get her sisters on FaceTime, and they’ll all play Sims or something. I love it that they do that. It makes me happy, they’re all still so close.

Last Saturday, Mj had her last flags competition for this season. I did her makeup, and took her there. Awhile later, Adam got a phone call from Mikayla. She was in tears, sitting in the waiting room of Urgent Care. The night before, she’d been working her waitressing job, when the whole place filled with smoke. She told us she’d felt perfectly fine, but just a couple hours later, she was coughing, and it was getting harder and harder for her to breathe. She’d woke up that morning, feeling even worse. She had been planning on coming home, for the week, over her school’s Spring Break. Both Adam and I were very worried about her. We anxiously waited for her to see the doctor, and make sure she was okay. Fortunately, the doc said it was just a coincidence that her symptoms first appeared shortly after the smoke exposure. What she actually had, was influenza. Mj, B, and I all got our flu shots, in the Fall. I’d reminded Mikayla, multiple times, to stop by any minute clinic or pharmacy, and get hers. Unfortunately, she hadn’t gotten it done. Since her symptoms had only begun hours before she saw a doctor, he prescribed a round of Tamiflu, to help fight the virus. He also prescribed her a strong cough medicine, which would make her sleepy. I talked with her, while she picked up her medications. My poor kid was still crying and just plain miserable. She wanted to drive home. As much as I wanted her to be here, I told her absolutely not! She didn’t need to be out on the roads, driving home alone, as sick as she was. Adam had been in a darn near panic, and wanted to jump in his truck and go down to Knoxville to get her. With Mj at her competition, she wouldn’t be back until late that night. One of us needed to be able to pick Mj up. I offered to drive to Knoxville, and stay the night there with Mikayla. Then, I could at least follow her home, if she was up to it, on Sunday. By the time she got her meds and back to her house, she’d calmed down and decided she wanted to just get into her bed and sleep. So, Adam and I checked in with her, that night and all the next day, Sunday. By Monday, she was feeling a lot better. She drove home, that afternoon.

Oh, and Mj’s team placed third, at their competition!

Mikayla left, this morning, headed back to Knoxville. Adam was helping a friend put up fence, today. This evening, he grilled us a couple racks of ribs. I made scalloped potatoes, and cut up cucumber slices in vinegar water with onion. I love it when our meals look so pretty and colorful!

I spent the day working on laundry, and cleaning up around the house. I’ve been getting my Spring decor all set out. I’ve also been spending a few hours, here and there, making new craft projects.

I’ve kinda got a rustic/silly theme for our hall bathroom

I put a matching lampshade on our floor lamp, so it goes with my other one there on the cabinet, in our dining room. I really like it! Should’ve done that a long time ago.

It’s been another busy week, but it was fun having my girls all here. Mj’s Spring Break is this coming week. So, she’ll be home, hanging out with me all week. I’ve got a handful of things for us to do. Some of them she probably won’t be too excited about, like cleaning all the upstairs bedrooms and bathrooms. I think she’ll have fun going hiking with me, over in the caves near us, though. Of course, we’ll surely also be making a trip, or three, to our favorite coffee spots.

On Thursday, I’d been out with my girls all afternoon. Adam didn’t get home from work, until nearly 8:00pm. By the time we all got home, it was too late to really cook supper. I made one of the quick and easy meals everybody here likes, Fritos chili cheese wraps. For anybody interested, I’ll drop the link for them, here.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=xmdbTdD5Iy8&si=4_a4AUv2XsP5W4zW

Xx, Eve.

Friday

Oh my god,

how are you so genius?

She said,

please, can I lick your penis?

It was just a Friday…

~Jeris Johnson

Pretty much all the other lyrics in this song are super inappropriate. But also, I like the song. I find myself jamming to it, on Fridays, frequently.

Today, it was almost hot enough for me to make that tough decision, to cut on our AC. I knew Adam would come home to a darn near intolerably warm house. Still, I’m just not quite ready to do that. I love having our windows open, with fresh air pouring inside. This evening, our neighbor was in his garage playing his electric guitar. The race track, that’s not far from us, played us its own music, cars zooming ‘round in its circle. Those things are, what I refer to as, “the sounds of Summer”.

This evening, I mentioned to Adam how much I want us to go to the “Rock N Jock” softball game, again. Every Summer, Nashville hosts their annual game. Musicians and first responders/military get together to play, and they raise money for the families of first responders/military. It’s just something that’s really fun to be at, and we’ve missed the last couple games. We’re making plans, with a bunch of our friends, to go again this year. This made me think of another fun thing I’d like to do again, Monster Jam. I absolutely love seeing all the cool monster trucks give us a show! My husband can’t say no to me. At least, not often. So, I think he’ll be making arrangements for us to do that, too.

Tonight was a perfect night to set up our cornhole boards. So, of course, we did. I so rarely ever drink, anymore. However, it’s basically a requirement, in cornhole. I just need a good “buzz”, and suddenly I’m in the sweet spot. Practically unstoppable, sinking them bags into the holes on our cornhole boards! We played, for a couple of hours, and then decided to go inside. I’d had a couple of drinks, and also just gotten done with my monthly period. As I was just about to make myself a cappuccino, I decided to send Adam a text, first.

One romp in our bedroom later, here I am. Writing in my blog. 😏

I think I’ll make that cappuccino, now, and then request a “mulligan”, from my husband…

Speakers on Raa

Turn it up, let the bass go

Raa raa RAA…

Gotta keep it past the volume that I know your ears can stand

~Chris Hosier

I had every intention of spending my afternoon baking, but holy moly, it’s just too darned hot today! I did bake the peanut butter cookies I’ve been craving, but didn’t get to the fruit pastries I was going to make. Our weather forecast showed us having a cloudy, rainy day, with thunderstorms. We ended up with sunshine, and some serious humidity. Not that I’m complaining. I love it! I’ll take tank tops and bare feet, over layers of tops and thick socks, any day. It does look like rain will be moving in, overnight. Tomorrow will most likely be cloudy, with more rain. If it isn’t too hot to bake, I’ll just make them tomorrow.

Tonight’s a “fend” night, for supper. I’ve got a lot of leftovers needing to get ate up. So, I’ve successfully avoided having to use the stove, and heat up my kitchen even more than it currently is. It was 83 degrees, inside the house. I cut off our heat, and switched the fan to circulate some air in here. That’s brought temps down to a more manageable 78 degrees. Fall and Spring are always such unpredictable times of the year, here! We can literally have snowflakes and central heat, on a Monday. Then by Friday, we’re turning thermostats over to AC, trying to cool off.

I took some Poshmark orders to the post office, this morning, and got them shipped. My old workplace is just down from the post office I went to, so I decided to pop in and visit Brittany. Apparently, corporate has decided to close one of their branches in town, and consolidate into the one I was at. Brittany isn’t super excited about sharing office space with the other branch. We caught each other up on all the other recent gossip, and walked next door for coffees, at the conveniently placed coffee shop that used to tempt me every single day at work. As much as I don’t miss having to go to a job everyday, I do miss some of my old coworkers. It’s fun being able to drop by and chat with them, sometimes.

After I left there, I drove over to a couple of craft stores, found some inspiration, and grabbed a few things to create with. I moved all the toys upstairs, into our other guest room, so I’ve got a big empty space of our basement now. My plan is to arrange it into a cute bar area. I want to get a bar table, some stools, and maybe a bakers rack or something. I’m debating whether to add a mini fridge, also. We’ve already got a garage fridge, which is right next to the basement door, but I still think it’d be cool to have a mini fridge in there. I’ve got a lot of cleaning and organizing to get done down there, before that project can be started anyhow. I guess I’ll make the mini fridge decision whenever I get all that done. My ADHD brain’s always got a million “tabs open”, with various project plans in mind. Whether and when they’re actually completed, though, is always a mystery.

We celebrated Oliver’s fifth birthday. It’s hard to believe he’s already five years old! We got him a doggie “cake”, from PetCo. Although he has no clue why his humans are singing and lavishing delicious treat offerings on him, it gets him excited 😆

Well, now that I’ve written about my latest craft supplies and basement plans, I’m itching to go work on them. I think I’ll head downstairs. See if I can’t manage to make progress on any of these ideas I’ve got rolling around in my head.

Silence Has A Sound

When the room goes still,

I don’t.

When the night said hush,

I won’t.

~Georgia Phantom

I’ve been pretty busy, but in the best ways. Saturday, I helped Mj clean and organize her room. Adam grilled us some spicy chicken, for supper, and it was freakin delicious! Later, we played card games. Sunday afternoon, we got out our cornhole boards, and played that all afternoon.

Yesterday, it was dreary and rainy, outside. I had errands to run, and then Mj text asking me to pick her up from school. She said she had a headache. So, I picked her up, and she filled me in on the tough day she’d had. My sweet little girl has had a crush on a boy in her class. She’d gotten the nerve up to speak to him, and had asked for one of his social media accounts info. He declined to share it with her, but did so in the worst way. Her poor heart was broken, on top of the humiliation of being rejected like that. MY mama bear heart almost cannot even handle this sort of stuff! Why are “tweens” and early teens like this?! I took her out for coffee, and we talked. I told her about a conversation I’d just had with her daddy, days earlier. We’d been talking about millennial women dating guys much younger, and I’d said to Adam, I could never! Hell, I wouldn’t even date you, if you were 20 again! I suppose this could be interpreted as a clear signal that I’m “getting old”, haha! I got my Mj laughing and smiling, anyhow. It makes me really happy to know my girls can come and talk to me about anything, even when it makes me consider potential jail time, to defend them. I’m joking. Mostly.

It’s almost time for me to drive over to pick up my kid from practice, already. Then, Adam will be ready for our shower. I’ll pack lunches for my family to bring tomorrow to work and for school, and then it’s bedtime.

I keep telling myself I’m going to start writing here in the mornings, again. Then, I get busy and forget to do it, until evening arrives. I did upload a few recipe videos, recently. I’ll get them shared here. It was absolutely gorgeous outside, today. Tomorrow’s supposed to be raining, again. I’m planning to bake some yummy stuff.

My sloppy Joe recipe,

https://youtu.be/oMII7ACWCAQ?si=q_vxjSXpHIG9K6ZP

My Runza Casserole recipe,

https://youtu.be/5uAhepO6OZs?si=JFkctdEnFF5jLV3C

My Chicken & Dumplings,

https://youtu.be/PayV0olaXAk?si=poL7cCZfKyk62F6z

Goodnight, y’all! Xx

Giving You Up

Don’t you dare try and reappear

After you already got me standin’ here

I can’t believe you would come at me

Lookin’ for a little bit of sympathy

Like I wasn’t the one you left all alone cryin’

Lookin’ like a hot mess

Don’t show your face ’round here anymore, honey

This is somethin’ you better get through your head

That I’m givin’ you up

Just like I did them Marlboro Lights

And I’m givin’ you up

The same way I did the whiskey on ice

And it’s all so tough

You turned me into a [woman] I don’t even recognize

I’m givin’ you up

The same way you did me out in the moonlight

~Dylan Wolfe

Grief is such a fickle emotion. I can testify, with way too much experience, losing someone you dearly loved and cared for, is in many ways, even more painful than saying goodbye to those who’ve actually passed away. What do you do with all the photographs? What about the hoodie I borrowed? I can’t wear it, anymore. And then, randomly, there’s the things all around the house, you sort of forgot had memories attached to them. Cleaning out a drawer, reorganizing your closet, opening the storage bins filled with holiday decorations…BAM, a flood of emotions slam into you like a fuckin’ tsunami.

This past Fall, I was helping my Mj organize and redecorate her bedroom. I noticed photos she’d tossed into the trash bag. They’d captured moments frozen in time, of her with Jackie. I asked her, was she sure she wanted to throw them away? She told me, I don’t want ‘em, and shrugged. She showed me the one photo she’d kept, where she’d cut Jackie out from it. She said she loved that one, and the other people in it. I can’t explain what exactly it was, that compelled me, but I couldn’t help but pull all those photos out from the trash. They’re stored in a box, alongside more photos, cards, and letters I haven’t been able to bring myself to get rid of. I don’t want to look at them, or to read the words written to me that feel completely insincere, in the bright light of today.

I don’t share details. Not because I’m ashamed, or afraid. In part, it’s because it’s incredibly painful. When I use words like betrayal, it fits. Betrayed is an exact description. The larger part of the why I choose not to disclose, is simply because I’m better than that. I mean, what would be the point? I’m not interested in argument or excuses. There is, and could never be any justification, whatsoever. As brutally open and sincere as I’ve always been, in my writing here, I don’t owe an explanation to anyone. After all, this is my story. I share my perspectives on my own life. With all I’ve seen, heard, done, and learned, the feelings I’ve grappled with are absolutely valid. I don’t say this to sound cold or uncaring, but I truly have no interest in whatever might or might not be happening in the lives of those I’ve said my goodbyes to. I don’t wish ill on virtually anyone at all. Where and how they are is just none of my concern, anymore. I didn’t get to this place overnight, by any means! It takes so much time and tears to find healing. I remember when I realized I’d gotten there, with my mom. Now, I believe I’m finally arriving there, with Jackie. The enormous storm cloud that followed me everywhere I went, for a significant portion of my days, has dissipated. I don’t think there ever comes a time when there won’t be occasional sprinkles and raindrops, but they’re manageable. I no longer get soaked in the downpours that I used to. I’m not weak, exhausted, and scared anymore. That feels like the best kind of okay there can be!

I woke up feeling a lot better, this morning. I went to sleep with earaches, a headache, sore throat, and my nose running. Today, all that remains is the scratchy sounds my voice still makes. Even that’s not as bad, though.

I made some peach cobbler. Well, to be fair, it’s more like a knockoff of peach cobbler. It’s good, anyhow!

https://youtu.be/xtMQ7Kha6o8?si=GikHwGXY9AYFBojQ

It’s already past time for Adam and I to get in the shower, so I guess it’s as good a time as any to end this rambling post. We’re supposed to have some sunshine and warmer temps on the way. It’s been gloomy and cold, the last few days, and I’m anxious for some vitamin C and warm weather, again!

Anyway, goodnight y’all. Xx

Memories

Who I used to be, and who the fuck I am now

Two different people, if you ask me

So many years walking with my head down

Thank God it’s just another memory

Made my mistakes that made me who I am now

If I had the chance I wouldn’t change a thing

So many years walking with my head down

Thank God it’s just another memory…

~Kng Ego & JOYBVND

This really isn’t meant to be a contradiction to my recent post, I’m Still Me. When I said I found myself, and she’s still the me I used to be, I meant it! This song’s sentiment is more of a statement on who I am now, compared to one or two very long, difficult years ago. I’m unbelievably grateful to be in a much much better place.

I’ve been rediscovering my voice. I can hear it in the words I’ve written, here, over the last several weeks. There’s a noticeable shift in my tone and overall mindset. I wonder if that’s apparent, to y’all?

Last week, I was starting to feel like maybe my allergies were getting the better of me. The past couple days, though, I’m wondering if it’s a virus I’m fighting. My girls and I did get our flu shots. I suppose it’s possible I could have mild symptoms, from influenza or something? Or, just a cold. Or, it actually may be bad allergies. Whatever it is, I’ve had the tightening in my throat, that often signals impending days of sounding hoarse as heck, if I’m able to squeak any vocal sounds out, at all. I can’t remember the last time I made it a whole year, without losing my voice at least once!

I’m pretty tired, and low energy, this evening. Which, I absolutely hate. I did record my chili recipe, for anyone interested. It’s a super secret recipe, passed down through generations of my family. Just kidding. I think?

https://youtu.be/lUNv_XLAhSo?si=uQQKpOAhxCAGg2_8

Well, I think I’d better hop in the shower, and get ready for bed early, tonight. Hopefully, some rest will fend off whatever’s attacking my immune system.

Tennessee Mountain Top

There ain’t nothin’ like a Tennessee mountain top
Some straight shootin’ neighbors that don’t name-drop
With a preacher man prayin’ for peace but still packin’ a gun (you better ask somebody)
Singing karaoke in a double wide with smoke so thick it’ll burn your eyes
Oh-oh, my sweet Lord, I’ll warn ya
Fall in love with an angel, you’ll end up in California

~Kid Rock

I made two versions of the video I’m going to share, here. One for my blog, and one for our family. We were singing this song, but with “you’ll end up in California, or Texas”, haha! My sister and her husband are so happy, building their lives in Texas. We miss them like crazy, but it truly makes my heart happy, seeing her flourishing in their new home. My sister’s seriously grown more in the last few years than most of us do in a decade, or more! She’s a great wife, an exceptional mama, and a beautiful woman, inside and out. Her twenties were a stark contrast to my own. I became a mama, before I was even out of my teens. She was a little wild, sometimes reckless, and mostly unconcerned with any ideas of becoming a wife or a mother, the way I’d always known I wanted to be. She met her husband back when they both were still children, themselves. Then, they grew up and lost touch. Until, he was stationed with the 101st Airborne Division, just across state lines, in Kentucky. The very first night Adam and I spent in our new house, she’d gone to a bar to watch the Super Bowl. Her childhood friend, and future husband, also went to that bar. She became unexpectedly pregnant, soon after that encounter, and the rest is history! They’re a fantastic couple. He’s good to my sister, and also an awesome daddy and provider. It’s been a lot of fun, watching her transform into her new self. She’ll always be her. She’s just a much calmer, settled, content, healthy, and genuinely happy version of herself, now. We swap recipes, clothes, and parenting advice. I sometimes wish we’d been able to have babies closer in age, so they could grow up together. My kids adore Pj! She’ll just grow up with very protective, but cool, older cousins.

It was hard to say “goodbye”, yesterday. I don’t actually say goodbye to people I love. Instead, it’s always, See ya! Hopefully, this “see ya later” won’t be nearly as long as the last one was. I needed the random conversations in my kitchen, the giggles, and the hugs from my sister and my niece! We went out for coffee, no less than half a dozen times, over the week she spent here. Mj and I got to bring her to another little independent coffee shop. They’ve got fish that look just like Dory and Nemo, from the kids’ movie Finding Nemo. I was excited to show them to Pj. We most often took her to our favorite spot, though. Dutch Bros. That’s my girls and my usual choice, for coffee drinks. We also went to a place near our dad’s, where they have a really cute play area for little kids. Pj had a blast! She even made a friend or two, there.

We all went out to a Mexican restaurant, on their last night here. My dad, his fiancé, her daughter (who’s only a year older than my Mj is), Adam, Mj, my sister, Pj, and of course myself, were all there. My big girls are just sooo busy these days, they couldn’t be there. We did all FaceTime, though, one evening. There was a group of older folks seated at a table near us. Towards the end of the evening, it was only them and us, left there. Apparently, they were celebrating a birthday. They sang Happy Birthday. One was adorned with a sombrero, courtesy of the waiter. They began to sing along with music playing overhead, and danced. The waiter joined in. We clapped, and cheered. It was pure shenanigans. That last night ended with a lot of tear filled eyes, as my sister and niece hugged our dad and them goodbye. The next morning, Adam, Mj, and I drove my sister and Pj to the airport. Not before one last trip over to Dutch Bros, of course. At the airport, more tearful hugs were exchanged, and then we watched and waved as they walked toward their gate.

I suppose I should address the cliffhanger I left my last post on…

To be honest, there’s not a whole lot to tell. I actually chickened out, the night I first planned to talk to Adam about it. It probably sounds silly, but he was just so sweet, that night! I couldn’t bring myself to pull that metaphorical trigger. I’d asked him, earlier in the evening, if I could show him my latest blog post? He’d gotten home fairly early, but was still working on some things he could do from home. He’d told me, “Of course! Just as soon as I’m finished with this.” Finally, when he came to me, he said, “Okay sweet girl, let me see it.” I looked up at him, and asked him to give me a minute. He replied, “I’ll give you two.” (Meaning, take your time. Whenever you’re ready.) Later, as we stood at our bathroom sinks, brushing our teeth, he reminded me he still hadn’t gotten to see my blog post. I sort of brushed it off with a shrug, and told him we’d just do that tomorrow. It wasn’t until our nightly shower together, that he again brought up the blog post he’d yet to set his eyes upon. Only then, had he begun to suspect there might be something I needed to share with him inside my writing, and that it may be something to spank my butt for. His suspicions became abundantly clear, after we got out of the shower, when he sat himself on the side of our bathtub, and waited for me to reveal whatever it was to him. That damn bathtub edge is a familiar spot he’s chosen to pull me across his lap. Besides his choice of places to sit and wait, his face wore obvious determination, that I was not getting out of sharing whatever it was he needed to know. He didn’t know what it was, but he knew there was something.

I rubbed lotion on my arms and legs, combed my hair, and applied the various products my curly hair requires, as I finally shared that blog post. I hadn’t divulged any details concerning what it was that I would come clean about. Only that there was something I needed to. So naturally, after he finished reading, I knew it was time to start talking, when his eyes shifted up to look into my own. His expression was now a more stern, serious one, but not angry. More anxiously curious. He listened without a single interruption, as I explained. It truly wasn’t anything intentional, or even one where fault should be laid at my feet. It was something I likely could’ve avoided, had I known to investigate, but not exactly a foreseeable consequence of the actions we’d both been aware of. The real “crime” was in my decision to withhold information, regardless of my reasons for doing so. And I did have some sympathetic reasons. Which is why Adam chose to approach this in such an understanding way. His words were kind, his voice gentle. As predicted, he spoke on the issue of neglecting to discuss things much sooner, no matter how big or small. We don’t keep secrets. We don’t tell lies. Those are two very serious rules, between us. I’m well aware of them, and expect him to abide by them as much as he does me. When that little lecture was done, he sighed and said, “You know I love you…but you also know what’s gotta happen. Right?” My heart raced, knees buckled, as I began to plead with him. He picked me up. It’s embarrassingly easy for him to manipulate my body into any which way he desires, in these situations. I’m incapable of resisting against his strong arms, in any meaningful way. When he’d maneuvered me across his lap, as he began to pull my pajama pants down to expose my bare behind, I repeated “Nooo! Pleeeease!” Then he simply patted me on my ass, and pulled me into his arms. I buried my face into his chest, and told him “Thank you”. Adam lifted my chin, so my eyes met his. In a soft, but very serious tone, he promised me he would not be letting me off the hook, next time. I lowered my head, to rest it on his shoulder. He ended by asking if I understood? I nodded. He once again lifted my eyes toward his, as he said for the second time, “Do you understand?” I knew the words he expected from me, so I said them. Yes sir.