Gospel

I wanna make it out alive, never think about looking back
I wanna drive like hell when I steal the devil’s Cadillac
I wanna take that old Eldorado down a dirt road
With “How I Made it Over” playing on the radio

I wanna be solid as the earth and cool like the night air
I wanna believe even though I know life don’t play fair
I wanna wear my heart on my sleeve but be tough when I have to
I wanna dust off the stars and hang them on the wall for you

I wanna ask all the questions with answers we’ll never know
I wanna find my faith in records from long ago
I wanna set fear on fire and give dreaming a fair shot
And never give up whether anybody cares or not

~John Moreland

I’m about to get real honest, here…

Yesterday afternoon, I had to sit and compile a narrative of all the times Jackie has lied, betrayed me and my family, and been in legal trouble, in chronological order since I’ve known her. These are things I’ve long forgiven her for, but never forgotten either. Seeing them written down, forcing myself to acknowledge all the shit she’s done to hurt me, was painful as hell. I also feel like a total idiot. I believed I was smarter than this. I believed I wouldn’t tolerate anywhere near this much from someone. Somehow, I absolutely did, though. I loved Jackie. When I met her, she lived with her parents, inside a dysfunctional home. Dysfunctional would be an understatement. Her childhood was rife with traumatic events. I grew to love all of the good parts of her so much so, that I was willing to overlook the dangerous ones. I’m not simply referring to little quirks. I’m talking about some serious issues. Things she’s done, over the years, to sabotage my own happiness. Until yesterday, I hadn’t really sat with myself and considered why. Why would she do those things to me and my family? I believe Jackie needs to be needed. Although I can very much relate to that, I’ve never damaged someone just so I could be the one to repair it. I’ve never been envious of someone else’s joy. Certainly not someone I loved! I’m realizing the connection between the worst ways she’s hurt me, and when she’s chosen to do it. These things are done to me when I’m “too okay”. When my world is great. When there’s just no reason not to smile. What she fails to understand, is that my happiness doesn’t come at the expense of hers. I’ve never stopped her from finding her own path to the things she desires. In fact, I’ve literally done everything I possibly could to help her find it. I never held her failures over her head. I’ve never been cruel to her. I’ve been pissed off at her. I’ve told her exactly what I thought. I haven’t once uttered a sentence or acted in ways that the express purpose was to cause her pain. I’m still not going to actually describe the details of the things written down, yesterday. This isn’t about destroying Jackie. It’s about protecting myself and, most importantly, my family. I have no other choice, now. I have to bring out the ugliness that lies within these truths.

Last Friday, Jackie secretly recorded a conversation with me, where she intentionally provoked me. She said things that she was well aware would hurt me deeply. She was speaking so weird, and I couldn’t understand what the hell was happening?! Why was she saying these things to me? Why is she pretending not to already know the answers to these questions she’s asking? Why is she suddenly completely changing the opinions and the advice and the purpose of conversations we’ve shared so many times before? Why is she suggesting these blatantly false things about my husband and my children? Well, I get it now. She did it because she knew she was recording that conversation so she could share it with everyone else who matters to me, and torture me with it. As unbelievably shitty as that was, it’s what’s been done to my husband and children that’s unforgivable. I will never allow her back into our lives. The crazy part is, that still creates an ache inside my heart.

There’s a large divide, among the people around us. There are many who love and support Adam and me. There are those who are aware of previous incidents we’ve had with Jackie. And, there are some who seem to believe there’s truth to the spin that’s been put on her version of this story. While I’ll fully admit, there are pieces of her version that might not paint Adam and I in the best light, Jackie is very aware of the circumstances around those things. No one among us is capable of perfection in all things, at all times. She damn well knows our hearts, though. Despite this, she’s at least partially accomplished her goal to knock us down. And, it hurts.

But wait…there’s more.

I’m unable to share the “more”, yet. It’s a big and painful and horrendous “more”, though.

We’re trying to take one step at a time. One day at a time. One obstacle at a time. To solve the problems we can now. To prepare for the future possibilities. To let go of what can’t be changed or repaired or healed. There are times when I’m so overwhelmed, and it’s just too much for me. So much, I’ve considered completely removing myself from this unforgiving pain I’m inside. I won’t do it. There are moments when I do think about the relief that I could feel, just being certain that I wouldn’t have to spend one more minute like this. Could that maybe, just maybe, be a catalyst that rights some of these wrongs? Would the most important people to me be able to come together again? I’m not going to sugar coat my thoughts. They exist. Things have crossed my mind that I would never have imagined entering my thoughts, until now. Still, I won’t do it. Whether it’s selfishness or selflessness, I can’t quite be sure? I just know I need my husband and my children. I know that I couldn’t leave them all alone, and sentence them to even more pain, just so that I could escape it.

I’m loyal as fuck, to my people. Even I have a limit, though. So, goodbye Jackie. To my husband and my children,

Oh, we’re gonna find our way. Ohh, it’s gonna be okay, if we get through this moment…

~Claire Guerreso

I have to believe that.

Mess

If I could give this all back
I would be home in the morning
I’d wake up in a cold sweat
Take a flight back to the city I was born in
And I would wipe myself clean
Of what I knew was unimportant
I’d want typical things
I’d try to fit back into all my old clothing

And I would prove myself wrong
That all along, the problem was me
With all my bitterness gone
Happy, I’d be

I’ll move back home forever
I’ll feed the dogs
And I’ll put all my pieces back together
Where they belong, and I’ll say
“I’m a mess, I’m a mess, oh God, I’m a mess”

~Noah Kanan

I’m finding it so hard to write. How can I express only pieces of this pain I’m living inside. In time, I will be able to give every single detail, but I just can’t do it yet. I have to hold inside myself so many things. Things I’d normally have written extensively about already, if I only could. It isn’t that I don’t want to. Oh God, I so wish I could. My blog truly is my therapy. I’ve healed from so much pain, through simply “getting it out” in my writing.

There are a whole lot of layers, to this “shit cake”. It’s as if half a dozen or so of the most important people in my life have passed away, all at the same time. It’s not just Jackie. It’s much more than that. My children cry daily. I’ve seen my husband with tears down his face twice, in the last few days. He never even showed emotion like that when his dad died. Not in front of me, anyway. I’ve lost 5 pounds. I just can’t eat, and if I do, I can’t keep food in my stomach for long.

In spite of the tears and our troubles, my girls and I went shopping today. I took them to Culver’s, for lunch. We found some cute Summer clothes, and sandals. I think the kids are planning to get in the pool to swim, here soon. I cooked meatloaf, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, and rolls for supper, last night. We did our best to enjoy a “normal” evening together. It was the first time I’ve fixed supper, this week. Every night, since Saturday, Adam has made love to me. We both so desperately need each other. I can’t seem to find sex pleasurable to my body, though. It does feel good for different reasons. Getting as close as a husband and wife physically can be. This emptiness I know we both constantly are feeling, is temporarily ignored. It’s just him and me. Nothing else matters for those minutes our naked bodies cling together.

I don’t know what happens next. I’m not even sure what tomorrow will look like. I’m typically such a neat freak. I like everything to be in its place. If things aren’t tidy, I’m able to put all the clutter back where it goes. I can’t do that, inside my head, though. It’s just…a mess.

I Can’t Sleep

Hit my head against the wall till I got black eyes
Sitting on the sofa, drinking soda, watching plants die
It’s stupid, but I’m scared that I might lose it, and I can’t cry

I can’t sleep, I’m outta my head
I’m losing my mind and no one understands
And I can’t breathe, I’m over the edge
I’m dying inside, I’m afraid how this might end

~Tom MacDonald

I don’t know where to begin. I spent my entire yesterday, like a zombie. A zombie with constant tears streaming down my face. My voice is hoarse, from the sheer amount of bawling I’ve done. My entire world crumbled into tiny pieces, Friday night. The scattered shreds of what’s left will never fit together, the way they did before. We have to pick up what we can and build a new picture. The old one, the one I cherished and loved so fuckin much…it’s destroyed.

This is the part where I’m supposed to begin to explain why. I’m just not sure I can do that, yet. My heart aches in such a way, that it feels exaggeratedly heavy inside my chest. Its weight presses up against me and makes every breath harder to catch. Exhausted isn’t even a strong enough word to describe my body, mind, and soul. I did sleep, last night. I slept held tightly inside Adam’s arms, all night long. The night before, I’m not sure if I even got one full hour’s worth of sleep. Combined with the enormous stress and tears, I sort of crashed, last night. That gave me the ability to rest my body. At least a temporary reprieve, from this intense pain. It hovers all around me. I feel it in my sleep, too. I didn’t dream. I don’t even know when the last time I truly smiled was, and I’m used to spending the majority of my days laughing, grinning, and finding the happy all around me. I suppose it would’ve been sometime, Friday afternoon. We all swam, in the pool, and had fun. Adam and Justin fixed a leaky gutter, over our deck. Everyone and everything, was great. Within one unpredictable, unplanned moment, that all went to hell. Like a glass falling onto concrete, what was once this beautiful cup filled with the delicious life I got to carry with me, shattered on the ground. Its contents spilled out, and I watched as they swirled at my feet, recognizing I’ll never get that back inside what’s been so badly broken.

Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I will never be able to repair this. There simply is no going back to where we had been. I cannot fully detail the events that took place. I’ll write the bits and pieces that I can, for now. I was so provoked, by Jackie, I wound up pushing her, toward the gate to exit our backyard, and screamed at her to “get the fuck out“. Adam ran over to me, and wrapped his arms around my body, pinning my arms to my sides. He held me in the air and prevented me from being able to do anything I might regret. The only time I’ve ever lost my cool, that way, is when someone threatens my family. This time was no different. Shortly before this, Adam had been so provoked, he wound up leaving our home in handcuffs. He’s not an angry, or a violent man. His actions were in REACTION to unjustified aggression. Adam’s just bigger and stronger, so he’s capable of much more damage. Despite this, Adam did not seriously injure him. He did not cause anything beyond some shortness of breath, like getting “the wind knocked out of you”, and possibly a bruise from falling to the ground.

As they cuffed his hands behind his back, I ran to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he gave me a kiss. I begged and pleaded NO PLEASE, NO, but I couldn’t save him. He was so stoic. I didn’t even see fear in his eyes. I saw anger. I saw frustration. I’m pretty sure I saw defeat, as well. He was also recognizing how forever changed we were all sentenced to be. Adam told me to lock the doors. As soon as I shut and locked our front door, I slid down it, onto the floor, and began to sob so loudly, I surprised even myself. I cried so hard, for so long. He spent the night, and most of yesterday, in jail. I posted his bond, and was able to pick him up, late yesterday afternoon. He’s never been arrested, or inside a jail cell. He’s a good man. Just like me, though, he has a limit to what he will tolerate. He’d never hit a woman, either. Just to make sure that part’s clear. It was only me, who lashed out at Jackie. I recognize how vague this must all sound. I not only need to be careful, about what I say right now, but I’m also not ready to take myself back through the entirety of the events that transpired. It’s as if there’s a foggy haze, covering everything inside my world. It’s blurry, and unfamiliar. I’m hurting more than I have ever hurt before. This is the depths of pain, for me. I’m scared to death. I’m sad. I’m grieving the loss of what was, knowing we can’t get that back. I’m grieving the loss of what was supposed to be, knowing that’ll never be. Not in the ways it should’ve been, anyhow. This chapter of life, one that I expected was only beginning, has abruptly ended. The pages were torn from the book. The next chapter’s being rewritten, because the story has changed. It’s not what I wanted. It’s not what I intended. Unfortunately, the damage is done. I know that closure will come, in time. For now, I feel ripped apart inside. It hurts more than I knew I could hurt. Adam blames himself. I don’t blame him. I blame myself, because if I hadn’t lost my shit on Jackie, we likely wouldn’t have ended up in this place. Justin and Jackie betrayed us in such a way, it would be impossible to allow them back inside our world. They caused our family to be irreparably damaged. Instead of working with us, they went completely against us. Instead of helping, they helped to harm. It breaks my heart, to have to say that. I never imagined anything like this would happen to me, or to my beautiful life. To our kids. To our family. It’s making me physically ill. I’m not alright. I have to trust that I will be. For right now, though, I’m confronted with the reality we all played our parts to create. So, I have to live inside it now.

Lo/Hi

You get low
Like a valley
High
Like a bird in the sky
You get low
‘Cause you’re angry
Low
High
High
Low

One at a time
Get in line for the masquerade
Drink ’til you cry
And you’re lying in the mess you made

~The Black Keys

I have seriously not been in any real trouble with Adam, in a very long time! Every so often, a part of me contemplates pushing the boundaries, just to see what’ll happen. Then, another part of me argues, but look how long it’s been since I’ve had a sore behind! That’s the competitive side of me speaking, and she speaks to me much louder than the side whispering ideas to test Adam’s resolve. I’ve had a few instances, spread out over months of time, where I’ve slipped in a little wag of my middle finger, or rolled my eyes. If he reacts with his hand connecting to my backside, it’s not been anything remotely serious. We always goof around together. I frequently receive playful swats on my butt, from Adam’s hands. It’s just that it’s been an incredibly long period of time, since I’ve struggled to stay seated, or had to sleep on my belly for a few nights. I don’t enjoy pissing my husband off. There’s a sort of line, before the LINE. The first line, I know I’m not really supposed to cross. But, when I do, as long as it isn’t frequently done, I know that even if I get spanked for it, he won’t be seriously upset, and my butt will not be sore. The only caveat, would be if I did any of those minor “line crossings” too soon after a serious one. Beings I haven’t taken any big steps over the lines, in so long, I suppose I feel a little bit more cocky about pushing it just a little, a little more often. That’s been the extent of trouble I’ve found, since I can’t even remember when. Last Fall, maybe? Possibly even longer.

One other “side effect”, of my staying away from trouble, is the absolute confidence I bring to our bedroom. I can’t really explain why, but I grow less often “submissive”, when it comes to sex. I want to be on top more. I initiate more often. I talk dirty. That’s not to say that Adam isn’t mostly in control of things, but I guess there’s some sort of “fire” that burns more strongly within me, when I’m filled with the arrogance of having stayed away from the painful kind of spankings that bring out, what I call, Adam’s “hard hands”. I’m very turned on by knowing, seeing, and occasionally feeling the difference between Adam’s gentle hands, and his tough ones. His hands are full of calluses. In fact, his calluses have calluses. He not only works with his hands, but he also works out with weights, at the gym. Despite the roughness in his hands, he’s nearly always incredibly gentle when he puts them on me. It’s only rare occasions, when I’m reminded of how quickly his hands can morph into his very own, built in, “wooden paddles”. I suppose I become less fearful, of those hard hands, when I’ve only experienced his gentle ones for extended periods of time. I wouldn’t say I completely “forget” what they’re capable of. I simply grow to believe more assuredly, that those hard hands won’t make an appearance. So, I’m a little arrogant, in the way I conduct myself. Even in bed. Not that he would ever be someone I even remotely feared, when it comes to intimacy. Adam wouldn’t, and has never forced me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. Regardless of the circumstances! After I’ve done something bad enough to warrant a truly sore behind, I only crave his gentle touches. I need him to make love to me. I need him to hold me. I need him to soothe and comfort me. I need to know he still loves me. He’s still proud of me. He still believes in me. It takes awhile to regain this confidence I generally find, even during sex. I suppose there are good, and not so good things that come from my having stayed out of trouble. I can be sassy, and often tip toe just up to, or sometimes over, the line. I’m not quite as submissive, in my thinking and my actions. However, that can also translate into some great sex.

Those are my thoughts, this morning.

Jackie and I are planning to hang out, after awhile. I planned out our next week’s menu, and got the groceries needed for all our meals. I’m making fiastadas, for supper, tonight. Tomorrow, Adam’s grilling us some pork chops. I’m going to make my lemon and pepper green beans, and some pasta salad, to go with. Sunday, I’m planning to make homemade beef and noodles. I’ve already got pre cooked beef stew meat, that I put in our deep freezer after I’d cooked up a bunch of it. We get a giant container of stew meat, at Costco. Then, I cook it all up, separate it into freezer bags, and save it for later. I’ve also got Mj’s favorite, my Hawaiian hot ham and cheese sandwiches, on the menu for next week. I’ll make meatloaf, one evening. And, I’ve got everything to make a fried chicken casserole recipe everyone loves. That’s about all I’ve accomplished, so far today. I need to get some laundry going, and I’d intended to put on a cute little sundress. I should also get the darned cat litter changed out. That’s our every Friday job. We scoop it, in between Fridays. Then, on Fridays, we dump the whole thing out, I scrub out the inside of the litter box, and refill it with fresh litter. I hate the smell of stinky cat litter boxes! So, I do my best to prevent that permeating smell from ever spreading throughout my house.

I’m not sure what we’ll end up doing, this evening? Maybe I can talk Adam into playing a few games of cornole, with me? We’ll see where the rest of this day goes, I guess! Gosh, I love Summertime! Everyday is left to chance. The predictable, boring daily routines get to disappear, for awhile. Tomorrow, it’ll be JUNE! I’m already buying things for our Fourth of July party, at Poppy’s. Jackie, Mikayla, and I will be leaving for our Gulf Shores trip, in just one week! We’re all excited for that, too. I have a feeling this Summer is going to fly by, much the same way it does every year. While there’s lots to be looking forward to, I also want to do my best to enjoy all my todays. Every today is a chance to make memories. Even the ones that seem mundane, in the moment, become days to look back on and find yourself wishing you could be back inside that day. A day such as this one. A lazy, sunny Summer day, spent at home with my family. I hear my kids upstairs, playing a video game on the TV. The birds are singing loudly. My dogs are sitting at my feet, as I type in my blog. It’s a beautiful day, and I’m certain I’ll one day read the things I wrote here, and think to myself, gosh I wish I could go back inside that day. I know this, because I often have those thoughts, when I look back at my writing from time that’s in the past now. Sometimes it’s merely days later. Sometimes it’s years. It happens often, though. I’d reckon most everyone could relate to those thoughts, when reflecting on their own stories.

When I Pull Up

When I pull up in the whip they be sayin’, “God damn”
When I hop out with my shawty they be sayin’, “God damn”
They never show me love now they see I got bands
Now they’re sayin’, “God damn”

~Justin Champagne

It was so weird, having Mikayla’s biological father here, in our home. He’d come down to Tennessee, with two of his brothers, and one of their wives. I hadn’t seen any of them in years. I never had any issues with his sister in law, or the one other brother of his. It’s only one of them brothers I’m particularly not fond of. They all left town, this morning. They drove over, and said goodbye to Mikayla. I think it was really special, for Mikayla, having everyone together, celebrating her accomplishments. I’m proud we were able to give her that.

Having said that, I have to smile. Her father, and his family, were in awe of our home. I won’t pretend it wasn’t a little fun, showing off the awesome life we’ve built here. Saying something, without having to use words. Telling them, we’re good. You didn’t get to keep me down. All the years they’d spent convincing everyone around them of how miserable life must be for me, after I refused to continue to tolerate anymore abuse, insults, or bullshit from them. It’s been over 10 years now, since I chose to quietly retreat. To no longer acknowledge or respond to any of their phone calls, text messages, emails, or third party messages. The very best “revenge”, is truly a dish served cold. I actually never expected, or desired anything like “revenge”. I truly only aimed for peace. I had no patience for, or care to participate in any of that drama. It’s immature, and it’s a huge waste of precious time. The years have flown by. Now, Mikayla is grown. Well, legally. She’s got plenty more growing to do, yet. Still, they’ve got no sway over me, or my choices. Not that they had much to begin with. Having that realization so obviously beginning to occur to my daughter’s biological father, and his family, was pretty great. The bonus points, were seeing them become completely aware of just how “okay” I’ve become. I’m not simply surviving. I’m thriving. And, so is the little girl they never seemed to figure out how to prioritize over hurting me. How many ways they used that sweet girl as a pawn in some game they didn’t know I had stopped playing. I literally felt these things hit them like an unexpected thunderstorm. I noticed the quiet respect even my husband was receiving, from them. I saw it. I’m always proud as hell, to be Adam’s wife. That was, admittedly satisfying, though. A silent, but immensely powerful moment of expressing so many things I so wished they’d seen, before. Wasting years so busy with the wrong things. While they were doing those things, we were creating this beautiful life, with our family.

I wasn’t able to really take all of those emotions in, until today. Today’s the first “normal” day, in awhile. We were sucked into this crazy whirlwind, full of emotional highs, lows, and everything in between. So, it’s only now that all of these extra things are dawning on me. I’m grateful for the sunny weather we got, for her party, and for our day at Poppy’s. I’m grateful for all of the people who participated in her celebration. Even the ones who aren’t necessarily my personal choices for favored party guests. It meant a whole lot to her. I’m grateful for all the help Justin and Jackie gave us, to make everything so nice and so perfectly amazing.

I’m just sitting here, reflecting on these last several days. We spent so much time planning and preparing, only to have it pass by in the blink of an eye. I’m a little sad for that. I’m so grateful we’ve made it here, though. It’s just sunny Summer days ahead, for the next eight weeks. They’ll be filled with family and fun. I’m ready to get that started, now that we’re finished with such an important beginning to all of our Summer.

Homemade

Where I grew up, gettin’ dressed up means
Buttoned down shirt and a good pair of jeans
Wasn’t Sunday supper without collard greens
Dad was boss, Christ is king
Friday night was livin’ for them lights to come on
Then I turned to Miller Lites when I turned 21
There’s some things about me that I can’t change
I’ll always be the [woman] that home made

Home made me love a dirt road
Home made me crave some ice cold homemade
Sweet tea only mama knows how to make
Homemade
Home made me love a small town
Home made me wanna settle down in a home made
For the two of us
Everything I love is homemade

~Jake Owen

I spent the last week, plus some extra days, staying busy from morning til night time. This morning, my sister, her husband, and Pj all gave us big hugs, as we told each other, see ya later. No goodbyes. Just see ya later. I stood out on my front porch, clutching my cup of coffee, as I gave them one final wave, and watched them drive away. Adam went to work. Justin went to work. Jackie went home. Mikayla’s not home, today. It’s just Wyatt, Mj, and me now. I came downstairs, intending to clean up. I couldn’t bring myself to push in the tiny chair that Pj had last pulled out. Or to put away the last few toys sat where she’d left them. She grows up so much more, every time I see her! I’m still sad I didn’t get to spend more time with just her and my sister, while they were here. It’s been a very full weekend. We made so many memories, over the course of just a few short days. I spent so many months, weeks, days, and hours planning and preparing for this time that’s come to its end. This chapter is over. We’re moving onto our next one. I’m both relieved, and sad, about it. My most favorite things will always be the homemade kind. The laughs, the tears, the joy, the love made together, with all my people.

Here’s to the Good Times

~FGL

Oh my gosh, today was so much fun! We haven’t had a day at Poppy’s, just hanging out and having fun, for way too long! I have a house FULL, tonight. We’ve got all my kiddos, plus two extra friends of theirs. We’ve got my sister, her husband, and Pj. Everybody’s getting ready for bed, now. I just took a minute to myself. I made some vanilla cappuccino, and I’m standing in my kitchen. I’m listening to the sounds of giggling and silliness, from my babies, upstairs. Meanwhile, they’re trying to get Pj down for bed, downstairs.

I truly don’t have much to say, right now. I’m pretty darned tired, myself. Besides that, it’s time for bed. My sister and them are leaving very early, tomorrow morning. So, I’m planning to be up by 5:30am, so I can hug and kiss everyone goodbye. This whole long weekend, we’ve been planning and preparing for, has reached its end. That always comes on much too quickly. It’s been a whirlwind. A beautiful, memorable one.

Drunk Last Night

I got a little too far gone
The heart was talking way too loud
I don’t remember what I said
I just remember breaking down

I brought it all up, got it all out
What is it worth, to both of us now
It’s off my chest, but never off my mind

I got a little drunk last night
I got a little drunk last night
Thought I could keep it all inside
But I got a little drunk last night

~Eli Young Band

The truth is, I did not, actually, get drunk last night. If I had combined too much alcohol, with the overflow of emotions I was experiencing, that would’ve been a gigantic mess! I was responsible. I was a good mama, I think. I held it all inside, to the very best of my ability. Not only was my baby graduating, but we’d invited her biological father, and his family, to her party. There is some bad history there, with one of those particular family members. Mikayla has an uncle who is just a horrible person. He’s one of them Bible thumping, knows better than everyone around him, kind of people. He’s the definition of homophobic. He’s sexist as fuck. I still have a scar on my hand, from when he took his lit cigarette, grabbed my hand, and held that cigarette down on the back of my hand. All because he was pissed and blaming me, for some stupid reason, that his brother was leaving for a military assignment. This was many years ago now. Back when Mikayla was just a baby. He also attempted to coerce Jackie into spending the night with him. Jackie was just a teenager, back then! He was already in his forties! Not to mention, married with children of his own. He got angry, when I defended Jackie, and I told him to back the fuck off. So, he wound up taking both of us to the pool, and held our heads under the water, for long enough to haunt me to this day. This idiot was inside MY home, yesterday. We allowed it, for Mikayla. We chose not to make a scene, for our daughter. It was her day, after all.

Everyone was on their best behavior, and there really were no issues, whatsoever. Still, the tension was clearly felt. On top of everything, my sister and her family were here. I wanted to spend time with her and my baby niece. We had friends who showed up, to Mikayla’s party, with their gaggle of small children. I tended to about a dozen small children’s needs, as I did my best to entertain and occupy everyone else who was here. One of the parents did imbibe in a bit too many beers. They had SIX little kids here, and I felt responsible for looking out for them. Throughout all of this, Adam was such an amazing and supportive husband and daddy. He was so patient, with me. He recognized my anxieties. He tolerated my short bursts of attitude, directed at him. He knew I was reaching my own limits, so he did everything possible to take care of everything he could, to help me. Even so, I did wind up at a point where my own ability to contain the suppressed feelings I’d done my best to keep hidden all day, spilled over. I just couldn’t “people” anymore. The party was winding down, and I was beyond ready for it to be over. I got a little “short” with Adam, in our kitchen. I don’t exactly remember what I said? I just know he stood in front of me, like the rock he is, and assured me he would take care of all the things I was insisting needed done. I worried about all the dirty dishes, and cleaning up. He promised to handle it. I’d even rolled my eyes, at him, at one point. All he told me was, “Okay, you don’t need to roll your eyes to me. It’s alright. I’ve got it covered.”

As my sister was leaving, with Pj, I began to cry. I felt so guilty, because I hadn’t spent nearly as much time with her as I’d hoped to!

In today’s morning light, I realized some things. I explained to my husband, sister, and best friend, it wasn’t one or two things. I wasn’t angry, or upset. I wasn’t even just sad. I was full with all the emotions, pouring into a “cup”. My “cup” was overflowing. Someone could’ve told a funny joke, and I’d have bawled. I’d held onto so many strong, and conflicting emotions. I simply had no more room inside myself, for even one more drop of happy, sad, mad, or afraid to go. Thankfully, Mikayla was blissfully unaware of this little breakdown I’d had. She had been hanging out in the pool, with friends. Her best friends had come to her party. All the kids got into the pool, and played volleyball.

I have the best, most supportive and patient husband, to me, and father for my babies ❤️

Yesterday was a beautiful day. Everything went perfectly. I suppose I seem like a great big baby, describing my outburst, at the end of it. I certainly don’t ever mean to sound as if I take any of it for granted. I celebrate and appreciate all of these incredible milestones. I was just so tired. My body and mind couldn’t possibly take on even one more task. I needed to rest.

I woke up, this morning, feeling much better! I’d just poured myself a cup of coffee, and gone downstairs to sit and enjoy a moment to myself, when my phone alerted us about a tornado warning we were in. We had some scary minutes! The wind was whipping past us, as trees blew nearly completely sideways. Our doors were suctioning way in. We took cover, downstairs. This tornado went just past us, and left us mostly unscathed. We only lost some pool things that had been left inside it, and had our yard full of scattered tree limbs and miscellaneous toys. We never even lost power! Our lights flickered, during the worst of it, but that was it. We got lucky, once again. I don’t believe there was anyone seriously injured or killed. It was pretty scary, though!

Tomorrow, we’re all going over to Poppy’s house. We’re going to swim and play there, on Memorial Day. The boys are grilling and smoking some food, for everyone. It should be a relaxing and quiet afternoon. Exactly what I need, right now.

I need to go get Adam, and get him naked in our shower, with me. I can think of a few ways to de-stress, with my husband. They pretty much all involve removing our clothes…

I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance… I hope you dance…

~LeeAnn Womack

What a day it has been! My mind, body, and soul are all exhausted! I seriously don’t think I can even write much, tonight. It’s been a beautifully, wonderfully, amazing, incredible day. But, I’m tired.

Forever After All

A cold beer’s got twelve ounces
A good truck’s got maybe three hundred thousand
You only get so much until it’s gone
Duracells in a Maglite
A needle drop on a forty-five
Are the kinda things that only last so long
When the new wears off and they get to getting old
Sooner or later, time’s gonna take its toll

They say nothing lasts forever
But they ain’t seen us together
Or the way the moonlight dances in your eyes
Just a t-shirt in the kitchen
With no make-up and a million
Other things that I could look at my whole life…

Maybe some things last forever after all

~Luke Combs

Performing at a concert…my girl’s so talented!

The time her cheer squad got to perform at the halftime show for the Memphis Grizzlies

Making my Mother’s Day breakfast, back in the day…

The whirlwind weekend has begun! We’ve got a whole lot of company here, and a whole lot to do. It’s amazing, though. I love it. My Mikayla is graduating, tomorrow. After, we’ll have her party here, at our house. My sister, her husband, and my niece Pj are all here. It was so much fun, spending time with them, today.

Adam and Wyatt are outside, cutting the grass, now. We’re attempting to finish up all the last minute things we wanted done, before tomorrow arrives.

My sister, Jackie (and their boos) are all over at Poppy’s. They’re hanging out there, having fun, this evening. I told them, we just cannot possibly make it there, tonight. There’s still so much to do. Besides that, I really just want to hang out with my kids. We have to be up early, in the morning, to get ready for graduation. I’ve been sweeping, vacuuming, scrubbing, cleaning, and doing everything I can to have our house as presentable as possible, for Mikayla’s party tomorrow. I got the ice cream cakes made, this afternoon. I feel like no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I do, we’re going to miss something. I’ll forget to do something. I just so want everything to be beautiful and perfect for her. There are no “do overs”, for moments like these. This is it. It will be a day that will never again be repeated. I know Adam is feeling the same pressure as I am, to make everything wonderful. He’s been working so hard. Tomorrow is almost here. This day we’ve planned and prepared for. Our little girl is about to begin her “adult” life. Our lives are all going to change, in great big ways. It’s not necessarily bad. In fact, it’s everything we’ve hoped for. I suppose the time has crept up on us faster than we’d anticipated, is all. It’s here, though. So, here we are.