Last night, it poured rain, most of the night. I got woken up, to a very loud thunder clap, early this morning. The whole house shook! Then, today, we’ve gone back and forth, between rain and sunshine. Which means, it’s humid.
After the littles left, I ran a few errands. I got some laundry folded and put away. I’m making chicken quesadillas, tonight, for supper.
Adam’s been dealing with a lot of shit, at work. I know it’s selfish of me, but I’m feeling neglected. I want his attention. I’ve even considered finding ways to piss him off, just to see if he’d notice. Nothing crazy. Just stuff like being short with him, rolling my eyes, or any similar version of blatant aggravation towards him. I miss him. I was sick, and then I’d injured my head. Now that I’m feeling good, he’s unavailable…and it sucks.
You’re beautiful Every little piece, love don’t you know? You’re really gonna be someone Ask anyone And when you find everything you’ve looked for I hope your love leads you back to my door Oh, but if it don’t, stay beautiful
~Taylor Swift
This afternoon has been a very typical lazy Sunday type of one. Adam and Wyatt cut the grass, weed eated, and then used our leaf blower to clear off the driveway and sidewalks. Our yard looks nice. I’m sitting downstairs, with Diesel, just hanging out.
Mj slept down here, last night, instead of in her room. So, I had to remake the bed. She likes to hang out down here, too. It’s not super hot, out. Only low 80’s, but it’s humid. Our AC has been running a lot. It’s cooler in the basement, though, so I opened the door, to let in some fresh air. I love to listen to the birds singing. In the evenings, the bullfrogs croak like crazy. I hear crickets, too. The lightning bugs have returned, also. All the sights, sounds, and smells of Summer make me so happy! I can feel my own mood shifting, as Summer’s arriving. I sort of bitch and moan when I get into my car, and it’s so hot my legs stick to the leather seats. Truly, though, I love everything about Summertime. Being able to walk outside barefoot. Not requiring a robe when I wake up each morning, to help me keep warm. The birds, the crickets, bullfrogs, and lightning bugs. Spending time out by the pool. Wearing cute little sundresses. This is my most favorite time of the year, hands down! Severe weather isn’t nearly as big a threat, during the Summer months, either. We get enough rain to sustain the grass, but tornadoes and scary storms just aren’t the kind of worry they become during Fall and early Spring.
I’ve got a big honey ham, I’m planning to cook for our supper. I’m also making macaroni and cheese, along with some chopped red potatoes, seasoned in garlic, onion, and butter.
My head feels nearly 100% better, now. No headaches, or weird symptoms. I’m feeling great. Just enjoying a day of lounging around, taking in all the beauty around me.
Last night, after Adam and I went to bed, I told him about how Mikayla had worried about who would look after her flowers when she’s gone. It had hit me like a ton of bricks. I just hadn’t even realized that this was the last time she would be coming flower shopping with us. It’s the last time she’s decorating her bedroom with flowers, here. I thought about how she calls me, every time she’s leaving work, to ask me hey mama, do you need anything? And, if I do, she grabs it from the nearby grocery store. I sort of had a meltdown, last night. I sobbed into Adam’s shoulder, as he hugged me. All these things that have been such a normal and expected part of my life, are about to change. It’s the simplest of stuff, too. The little things, like flower shopping. It all seems to be happening in fast forward, now. I’m helpless to slow these changes down. Even if I could, I know I wouldn’t. I’m proud and excited for my baby. Watching her grow into this amazingly talented and gorgeous woman, is such a source of joy for me. Still, I don’t understand how anyone can ever feel “ready” to let their children go out into the world. I wonder, is it just me? Am I an overprotective maniac? I absolutely cannot stop the flow of tears that form, every time I think about how little time I have left with her, at home. So soon, she’s going to be making her own life, in her own home. Her boyfriend just purchased promise rings, for the two of them. She’s not my child anymore. I’m really struggling to allow these changes to penetrate into my own reality. It’s as if a part of me is in complete denial. Most of me recognizes these changes. All of me is proud as hell of her. I just can’t quite get myself to accept that my baby is about to leave this “nest”. The place I’ve worked so hard to keep my babies safe and secure in. I know I have to let her go. I even acknowledge how ready she is, for this. I’m going to miss her, and these wonderful days I’ve gotten to spend knowing she would always be here. Going upstairs every night, to hug her and tell her I love her. Laying awake, until I hear her come in the door, so I can fall asleep knowing she’s safe at home. There truly is no love like that of being a parent. My heart belongs to my babies. My husband, too, of course. My babies are like a huge piece of ME, though. It’s as if I’m saying goodbye to my right arm. Something I count on everyday. I’ll have to learn how to live without a great big part of what I’ve considered as my own. She’s not just “mine”, now. She belongs to herself. She gets to share herself with who she chooses to. Of course, I know she will always love her mama. I don’t get to keep her to myself, anymore, though. I can’t build a protective bubble, to keep her happy and safe, now. She’s going to go out and experience the world, for herself. I know all too well how cruel it can be, and I suppose that’s part of what I fear. I admire her pure and sweet and generous and kind soul. I can’t stand the thought of anyone ever taking advantage of my girl. I’m going to have to trust that I’ve done enough. Enough to help to guide her on a path that keeps her safe and strong. Deep down, I know how incredibly capable she is. She’s my shining star. One of my most prized accomplishments. I celebrate all her successes, more than I would my very own. I also hurt more, when she’s been harmed, than if it had been myself. I feel all of it, more powerfully than any joy or sorrow I’ve experienced by myself. I so wish I could continue to shield her from the things I so fear. I have to trust that I’ve helped her to build her own defenses against the evil out there, now. Being my children’s mama has been my life’s pride and joy. It’s all I ever can remember wanting, since I was a child myself. My little Mikayla, is grown up. The baby who was born 5 weeks too early, but strong as hell. The baby I used to call a “muppet”, because the long dark hair she was born with would stand straight up. God, was she cute. Now, she’s a beautiful woman. I look at her and can’t help but think to myself, I made that, and swell with more pride than I knew was possible.
This is my Sunday. Enjoying this perfect day, while also desperately trying to avoid noticing the looming cloud that seems to hang over everything. I tell myself, this is not a punishment! This is a reward! Mikayla has grown into a most beautifully amazing “fruit” of all the labor I’ve put in. And, that’s absolutely true. I know this, but I can’t help but feel some sorrow about knowing I will no longer be needed in the ways I have been, for 18 incredible years.
This morning, Adam went into work for awhile. I slept in. I didn’t get up, until almost 8:00am. I took my time getting out of bed, today. My head feels way better! I don’t even really have a headache, now. After Adam got home, we both took a shower. I put on one of my cute sundresses, and got myself ready. Adam had promised to take me flower shopping, today. Mikayla asked to come with us, so she tagged along. I actually had a lot of fun, picking out flowers with Mikayla and Adam. After we got home, and began to pot our new plants, Mikayla wanted to show me what she’d done in her room. Then, she asked me a question I wasn’t prepared for. She asked me, What will happen to my flowers when I go to college? Who’s going to take care of them? My heart damn near skipped a beat, hearing her say those words out loud, because I hadn’t even considered it. I assured her, someone would look after her plants. It is a very very difficult thing, pondering over the day when my sweet Mikayla isn’t at home. I love her so much! I just can’t imagine life without having her near.
I got flowers to put in all of my outdoor planters. It was so much fun, picking things out! It looks so pretty, around our house, now!
Justin and Adam changed out the brakes, on Mikayla’s car, this afternoon. Well, Mikayla’s boyfriend helped, too.
I made sloppy joes/sloppy nachos, for supper. Justin and Jackie sat out on our deck, with us, and we all talked and laughed for awhile. They just left. We’re all planning to go to church, tomorrow morning. The kids are playing the Nintendo switch, in our living room. Adam and I are just observing the sweet chaos. Not exactly one of our wild, shenanigan filled, kind of Saturdays. A fun one, anyhow, though. I’m feeling tired already. I’m not sure if it’s maybe the result of the bump on my head? I’ve just felt extra sleepy, extra early, the last few days. I miss Adam. He hasn’t been too cuddly, because he’s afraid to bonk my head, in his sleep. I want him next to me. I want his arms around me. I want him inside of me. I seriously miss my husband, despite him being so near me. Happy Saturday, y’all. I intend to spend mine making a very “happy ending” of my own. 😉
I didn’t mention it, earlier. I wasn’t sure if I should even write about this, because I can’t stand for anyone to ever read my writing and believe my husband is some kind of bully. The other night, after we got out of our shower, I had sort of flipped off Adam. It wasn’t that serious, and he wasn’t even upset. We were mostly just playing around. He sat on the edge of our bathtub, and pulled me over his lap. As he did that, I swung my head up. My head hit the corner of the little half wall that sticks out from beside our bathtub. I hit it hard. Adam pulled me up, into his arms, and kissed the top of my head. Neither of us realized just how much damage I’d just done to myself. I got ready for bed, and felt sooo sleepy. When we laid in bed, I didn’t mean for it to happen at all, but tears just started quietly flowing from my eyes. As they landed on Adam’s chest, he quickly realized I was crying. My head just kept hurting worse and worse, as I laid there. He went and got me an ice pack, and held it in place for me, until I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later, and my head felt like it could explode. Such a feeling of pressure and pain! In the morning, I talked to Adam’s mom. She’s a nurse, so I asked her if I should be worried. She asked me lots of questions. I wouldn’t call it “dizzy”, but it sort of felt like my body was swaying as I stood. I was nauseas, and the right side of my face, around my eye, felt numb. I couldn’t feel myself move my eyebrow up and down, on my right side. Then, my right eye kept twitching uncontrollably. I’ve never experienced anything like that! It turns out, I have a concussion. Instead of my head bruising and swelling outward, it’s gone inward. The swelling is pressing up against a nerve somewhere inside my head, which caused all the symptoms I was having. Unfortunately, there isn’t much that can be done, except for ice, Tylenol, and rest. Rest isn’t exactly easy to come by, with little ones under foot. Yesterday was rough, but today’s been much better! I only have sort of a dull headache in just the front right side of my head now.
Adam has been very grumpy, with himself. He’s been super sweet to me, but he’s a grouch at work. I know this, because I was on the phone with him, yesterday, and he yelled to someone “they can wait two fuckin’ minutes! I’m busy!” Then he starts talking to me and says, “I’m sorry, baby.” So, it sounds like all the guys who had to report to him yesterday, got a very “prickly” Adam. He’s never once talked to me or our kids like that, but I have occasionally observed the way he’s spoken to people at work, when they piss him off. It’s one of the many reasons I’m keenly aware of just how gentle and patient he actually is, with his family.
Anyhow, it was a complete accident. He never in a million years would hurt me. I am not even a tiny bit afraid of my husband. I just decided to go ahead and mention this, here, because I like to be honest about my life. Even the crap. So, here y’all go.
We were here blowin’ out birthday cakes Ridin’ our bikes, jumpin’ in lakes Feelin’ butterflies on our first dates And stealin’ our old man’s beer We were here back home in the home of the brave But the brave ain’t home, they’re an ocean away Doin’ their job and keepin’ us safe While we were here
We were here sayin’ the Pledge of Allegiance Repeatin’ those words, not knowin’ their meanin’ Takin’ for granted all our freedoms In the land of the free We were here bitchin’ bout minimum wage Splittin’ ourselves into red and blue states And still sat down, hot food on the plate Yeah, while we were here
They were there Givin’ everything they got They were there Some came home in a pinewood box With those stars and stripes on top
They were there, fightin’ back on the front lines Strappin’ up their boots before the sunrise Keepin’ their mamas up all night in fear They were there in the name of a hometown Of a last name that was passed down Every day, every night, every moment we were here They were there They were there…
~Granger Smith
I really need to update on my brother, here. He was told he would be deploying, and given just a couple days notice. He was sent to Virginia, for the typical pre deployment training and requirements. At the very last hour, he was spared. For whatever reason, they wound up finding enough National Guard members to deploy, instead. Someone took his place. So, somewhere in the world, there’s a young man in the very spot intended for my brother. I pray for them. As of right now, my brother is back at his base, in Coronado California, resuming his teaching job. I’m so grateful, but also my heart does ache for the family of whoever it was that took his place, instead of him. I can’t say enough how much I wish I could share just how much my brother has done for our country. I wouldn’t dare jeopardize his military career, by doing that, though. Despite his own reservations, about being sent out again, even he carries guilt for whomever it is that took his spot. I have so much admiration and pride, for my brother. He’s an incredibly good man. As much as I insist to him, he’s made more than enough sacrifices, he’s never satisfied that he’s done as much as he could. He hates to see another young person have to go out and do the things he has been asked to do.
As far as my average, ordinary world, it’s a typical Friday. The littles were pretty cute, today. I sent my sister several texts, this morning.
He makes me miss my own little boy, playing with his toy trucks
I’ve got the littles napping, now.
Well, he’s not sleeping. He’s watching some Paw Patrol
Jackie is coming over, in awhile. She’s going to help me finish the graduation invites, for Mikayla. Beyond that, I have no clue what we’ll be up to later. I guess it’s just a mystery. We’ll see?
Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?
“Those who matter don’t mind. And, those who mind don’t matter.
Today is May first. It’s MAY! The weather is appropriately hot and humid. I made up a whole bunch of May baskets, last night, for the littles to fill up today.
This morning, we went outside to pick some “flowers”. They found dandions and various pretty weeds and wildflowers, to add to our May baskets. We sorted candies into each of the baskets, and loaded them into the wagon. We walked around our neighborhood, and left one on our neighbor’s doorsteps. They littles loved it.
I always did this with my babies, when they were little. I hadn’t done it, for a few years now. It’s funny though, because all the same things I loved to do before, I continue to enjoy. Regardless of our bank account balance, credit scores, or the clothes we wear while we’re making memories, it’s always about the experiences. Some of my favorite memories are from a time when we lived in a house that was too small, with a bank balance that was too low. That isn’t at all what I remember, when I think back, though. It’s the smiles on sweet babies faces, while we’re busy making these memories, that are so precious to me. Youth cannot be bought. I can’t redo my own children’s childhoods. I can’t magically look like I did when I was 22 years old. As I was living those days, my mind was too consumed with worries about the future. What I should’ve spent more time enjoying, are the things I’ll never get back. My own babies aren’t babies, anymore. “Rich” isn’t about money at all. Rich is looking and feeling your best, while you’re giving your beautiful children what seems like such a small and simple thing, like making May baskets. Because, one day, so much faster than you realize, those days are just memories that only live on in your mind.
I do this all the time, where I look at my own babies, and think they’re so grown now! A year or two goes by, and an old picture pops up. I look at it and recognize just how young they really were still. I aim to soak all of it in. I desperately want to make as much as I can of every moment I get to spend with them.
Yesterday, Jackie came by. Her, Mj, and I went to do a little shopping. It was a lot of fun!
Yesterday evening, we all sat out on our deck. Adam, Justin, Jackie, and I. We just talked and laughed and told stories, for awhile. It was a lot of fun, too.
I’m fixing to go hang out with my babies, for awhile, before I need to start supper. My house is clean. The sun is shining. Everybody’s healthy. This is exactly what rich is.
I didn’t know if you knew So I’m taking this chance to say That I had the best day with you today
~Taylor Swift
Oliver LOVES kids ❤️
I woke up full of energy, today! After Adam left for work, and I got my kiddos off to school, I got a lot done. I put on a cute summer dress, and took the time to make myself look and feel nice. I got the house all clean, before the littles arrived. I’ve had music playing, while I’ve played with the littles. Everyone’s in a great mood.
It’s been back and forth, between clouds and sun, the last couple days. We got some rain, last night, but it’s very warm and humid. I don’t mind, though. I’m so excited for Summer to get here! Tomorrow is May first. I’ve got things to make some May baskets, with the littles, tomorrow. We’ll add some treats and whatever flowers they find to pick from outside, and hand them out to neighbors. I don’t know if people do that much, these days? I always did it with my babies, when they were little, though.
I’ve gotten most of the things we’ll need, for Mikayla’s graduation party, at the end of May. It’s also just over a month now, until our “girls trip”. Jackie, Mikayla, and I get to spend 4 days lounging on the beach, in Alabama. Adam and Justin have already discussed plans for a trip they want to take with Wyatt, when it’s his turn to graduate high school. They’ll get to go on a “guys trip”, then.
I really have nothing to complain about. No heavy worries, weighing me down. I haven’t caused too much trouble, yet (haha)! It’s just another ordinary day, here. I love it.
-Oh, I’m newly calibrated -Oh, shiny and clean -I’m your recent adaptation -Time to redifine me
Let the word out – I’ve got to get out Whoa, I’m feeling better now Break the news out – I’ve got to get out Whoa, I’m feeling better now
~Collective Soul
Y’all….I never felt as miserable as I did all week, any of the times I’ve had Covid. I tested negative for Covid, but positive for Influenza A. I haven’t been that sick, since early 2010, when I had H1N1 flu. Even today, I’m not back up to 100%, but I’m so much better, I’m celebrating! I left my house, for the first time in over a week. I ran a few errands, and it felt great just being able to get out. This afternoon, I put music on, and worked on cleaning my house up. I scrubbed all the appliances, the counter tops, and the sink. I cleaned all the floors, the bathrooms, and put away and organized all the things that had been left laying out all week.
Our cameras have evidence of my work, today 😆
And my good mood 😁
My sister sent me a scary message, awhile ago. Her husband, her, and Pj were driving on the interstate, in the Midwest, and a tornado popped up right in front of them.
They had to drive through the grass median, and hurry the opposite direction. They made it to somewhere safe, thank God. They were on their way to where our mother lives. I began to allow myself to ponder whether my mother was alright, then. As fast as these thoughts entered my mind, I had to “change the channel inside my head”, because I’m just not going to let myself go to a place inside my mind that provides the possibility for anymore hurt or sadness to creep into my beautiful life.
It’s just so weird how suddenly, and unexpectedly, these thoughts form. I simply refuse to allow any sad or hurtful thoughts to damage the first great day I’ve had in a good while, though.
Adam should be getting off work here soon. I absolutely insist we have a fun evening. I’ve missed everyone. I’ve missed being able to get shit done. Hell, I’ve missed having the ability to SLEEP well! So, it’s gonna be a good night, because I said so.
Chronicles in Submission 