Gotta hold on easy as I let you go
Gonna tell you how much I love you
Though you think you already know

I remember I thought you looked like an angel
Wrapped in pink, so soft and warm
You’ve had me wrapped around your finger
Since the day you were born

You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams, but always know the road
That’ll lead you home again

~Tim McGraw

My beautiful girl is about to be in college! Our tour was so good for both of us. She is feeling much more confident, and excited. I’m feeling more assured, that she’ll be okay. As much as any mama could be certain of that, anyhow. They do have fantastic safety and security measures. Looking at the dorms, the cafeterias, the classrooms…that’s going to be her home. I won’t be there. It’s just up to her, soon. As proud as I am, to know she is taking these next steps, ones we planned and did our best to prepare her for, I just cannot stop the pain that comes with being a mama, as I encourage and support my baby to “leave our nest”. She’s “flying” out, on her own. She’s got great big, powerful wings. That kid is so much more amazing than I ever was. I can’t help but be incredibly proud of that. I know her accomplishments are hers, but damn it’s amazing to look at the things she’s doing and be able to say, “She’s mine. I made her. I’m her mama.”

I’m so grateful, Jackie came along with us, yesterday! My emotions were all over the place. I did my very best to remain positive and upbeat. I can’t even describe, in words, how I was feeling. It’s a jumbled mess of emotions, both good and not so good. They all bombard me at once. I’m confident this will grow more tolerable, and acceptable. It’s not as if I wasn’t aware of these coming changes! Still, it all seems sooo sudden. Part of me is screaming I’m not ready! It’s not about me, though. This is one of those times that I, as a mama, have to be brave, strong, and assuring. Because, she’s afraid, too. My feelings are absolutely not her burden to carry!!! In many ways, Mikayla is so much more mature than I was, at her age. She calls me her “best friend”. I don’t think I could call her the same, for me. She’s so much more than that. She’s my daughter. She’s my girl. She’s my pride and joy in life. I’m so proud to be her friend, though. It makes my heart happy, that she wants and needs me to be a part of her happiness, her sorrows, her successes, her fears…all of it.

All in all, Adam and I’ve done a pretty fuckin’ fantastic job. Just look at her…

~Dustin Lynch

I have kept up a good streak, of writing here daily. I don’t intend to mess that up now!!! Having said that, I have lots to say, and not enough time to say it. We went to Knoxville, and toured the University of Tennessee, with Mikayla. It was so much fun, while at the same time, a little scary. As her mama, it’s such a strange concept, having my girl so close to moving into this completely new place. That’s going to be her home. Well, I call it her home away from home. The campus is beautiful. The history is rich with incredible stories and culture. We stopped at Bucees, on our way back home. That, too, was very fun! I have many pictures, and details from today’s adventure, that I intend to share here. I just cannot do it, tonight. I will update tomorrow morning. Goodnight y’all. 😘

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

~Coldplay

I’m afraid I’m about to sound like a total maniac, as I do my best to write this out. I love my family, my babies, more than anything in this world. I don’t talk about it much, maybe because I keep tricking myself into believing I’ve been “healed”? But, I was diagnosed with PTSD, years ago, awhile after my sexual assault. Adam understands and well knows all of my little eccentricities. No shirt collars, blankets, or especially hands, can be touching my neck. No water in my face. I don’t like to kiss for long periods of time, because I get overwhelmed with the feeling of someone in my face. When we’re having sex, Adam moves all the pillows away from my head, because he knows that is a problem for me. My daughters seem to have sort of adapted, or simply grown up, knowing most of the things that their mama doesn’t appreciate. (Well, not the sex stuff, obviously.) My son, though, he just doesn’t understand. He has a habit of coming up behind me, and hugging me. He typically does it, as he’s asking me for something he wants. That only seems to aggravate my senses even more. I do not like to be touched unexpectedly! To say I “don’t like it”, is actually a gigantic understatement. It literally makes my skin crawl. I feel a rush of both fear, and anger. Part of me wants to scream, and smack the shit out of anyone who does it. Even if it’s my own child. I know how that must sound, to most people. I’m a terrible mother, for having that kind of reaction to my child’s touch. I’m frustrated with myself, for not having “gotten over this”, yet. I’ve been choked, held under water, beaten, and raped. In many ways, those experiences are from a lifetime ago. Once in awhile, I’m flooded with such an onslaught of emotions. Ones I’m fully aware of how, when, and why they’re bubbling to the surface. I wonder, am I ruined? Will I be like this forever? Is this just part of who I am?

My brother suffers with PTSD. Its creation, within him, is from something very different from mine, but I knew he would understand…

Ugh, therapy. I’ve had little to zero success, speaking with any therapists, to date. I don’t want to go sit in a sterile, boring room, and tell some stranger about shit I nearly always do my best to hide from the world. Besides that, the perky and very fake feeling politeness that oozes from every therapist I’ve met with is enough to make me also want to smack them in their stupid smiling face. “Uhhh huh. And, how does that make you feeeel?” Gag me. Or better yet, was the hippy lady who suggested I simply “Just put an invisible shield on.” As if that isn’t exactly what I’ve been doing, for most of my God damn life! Didn’t need to pay her $200 an hour to hear this ingenuous and “brand new” idea…

This is where I’m at, this evening. I guess I’m a little bit pissy. I’d hoped writing it out, here, would help to alleviate some of my pissed off. To be honest, I think it has. This, my blog, has been better therapy than any session I’ve had with strangers, anyway.

Come as you are, as you were
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend
As an old enemy
Take your time, hurry up
Choice is yours, don’t be late

~Nirvana

I hesitate to announce this, because I was just about to do something like this, some months back, before I started watching the littles everyday. My ideas had gotten pushed toward the bottom of my priority list, until I would be able to commit the time it would require. I’m getting so excited about it, now, though! I have to write about it here. Jackie and I have talked about doing a “vlog”. We would really just be making video blogs of our everyday life. Much like the way I write here, about my days. We’d probably post weekly, sharing our shenanigans, and occasionally doing more of a podcast style chat. Recently, we’ve gotten much more serious about this. I think we’re about ready to give this thing a try!

I would never stop writing, because it truly is like therapy, for me. I need to be able to express my thoughts and feelings and emotions, and I do that best in writing. The video stuff, would simply be a new addition.

Jackie, Mikayla, and I are making another attempt to drive to Knoxville, on Wednesday. We plan to check out the campus, and have a tour scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. Tomorrow, I have to take Mj to her Nashville doctor. This evening, Mj has a Spring choir concert. The littles will be here, in about half an hour. It’s going to be a pretty busy week!

Last night, Adam and I were playing around, and he pulled his hand back, to give my butt a little smack. I quickly moved my hand, to block his. My thumb got jammed. He felt guilty, and kissed my thumb. Then, I giggled, held up my middle finger, and told him “good thing it wasn’t THIS finger!” 😆 (I thought it was funny!) Adam wasn’t mad. He tried his best to conceal the grin that escaped from the corner of his mouth. He picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, and swatted my behind a few times.

It sure looks like rain is on its way here, this morning. We definitely don’t need anymore rain, but we’ve got a whole week full of chances for it. This is our kids’ last full week of school, before Summer break! I’m both excited, and sad, because this is Mikayla’s very last days of high school. In just a few more days, I’m going to watch her little white car pull up to the house, and she’ll walk through the door, throw her backpack and lunch bag onto the kitchen floor (which drives me crazy!), and it’ll be the last time. It’s such a strange thing to be here, at this place in time, already. I’m really looking forward to our girls trip, to Gulf Shores, though! It’s only a few more weeks, and we’ll be headed to the beaches of Alabama! I’m confident, we’re gonna have a fan-freakin-tastic Summer. So, I guess I’m this weird amalgamation of mixed up feelings, right now. Happy, proud, sad, afraid, excited, confident, sentimental… A whole lot of things, that contradict one another, all at once. We’re on the precipice of a whole new “normal”, for my family. That’s not a bad thing. I’ve never been a big fan of change, though. Life and God have to push me into these kinds of things. It’s always okay, very quickly. In fact, it’s almost always even better than the place I’d spent so long, feeling so comfortable in. The new “normal” brings lots and lots of amazing things I’d never have experienced otherwise. I will forever cherish all the beautiful memories, from a time that’s over now. Part of our past. I hope to bravely embrace the times to come, and have faith that, just like all the times before, it’s all going to be alright.

It is Sunday 
Just another Sunday…

~Tommy Lee

Happy Mother’s Day, to all the Mamas out there! Today was an absolutely perfect kind of Sunday. We slept in, this morning. Then, I lazily drank coffee outside, listening to the sounds of Summertime. I took a long shower, while I listened to my “shower songs” playlist. I put on a cute sundress, and braided my hair. Justin and Jackie came over. We all sat on the patio, talking and laughing. It was sort of a very impulse buy, but Adam and I ended up buying a pool. We aren’t doing an in ground one. Just a decent sized above ground pool. The boys are excited to get it all set up, next weekend. They need to buy some sand, to level out the ground it’ll be sat on. The kids are pretty excited, too!

Adam grilled us some burgers, brats and hotdogs. I made potato and pasta salads. We all sat out on our deck, and ate supper. Everyone stayed out there, spending even more time telling silly stories, making jokes, and laughing nearly non stop. It was a great afternoon.

The weather was mid 80’s, and sunny. I got to spend the day with most of my favorite people. I have no traces leftover, of whatever sudden rush of sadness I’d been bombarded by, on Friday. It’s only happy, today. My heart is so full. What an awesome Mother’s Day!

Sometimes I’m right and I can be wrong
My own beliefs are in my song
The butcher, the banker, the drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I’m in

I am everyday people

~The Forest Rangers

[I realize the original version of this song is by Sly and the Family Stone, but this is my favorite one 😉]

We went over to Justin and Jackie’s place, last night. I cut Justin’s hair, and then we played a card game. It was a lot of fun!

This morning, I woke up to Mikayla, her boyfriend, and Adam making breakfast. Mikayla has to work, tomorrow, so she made me a Mother’s Day breakfast, this morning instead. She made waffles and Adam cooked the bacon. It was delicious.

This afternoon, Adam, Justin, and Mikayla’s boyfriend went to work on a vehicle. Jackie hung out at my house, with me. We sat out on the deck, and had a blast just talking and laughing. MJ’s best friend is here, for the weekend. The little girls are having so much fun together. Wyatt, Mj, and her friend all played baseball, this afternoon.

The boys came home, absolutely filthy.

They all got showered and dressed, and we went over to Mikayla’s food truck, to grab some supper. I am absolutely stuffed, but darn it, that was delicious.

Now, I’m just sitting downstairs, enjoying the sounds of Mj and her friend splashing around in a bubble bath, in Adam and my whirlpool bathtub. Adam is watching the other kids play video games, upstairs.

Tomorrow, we’re all barbecuing some burgers and brats. We’re going to have a fun family “Sunday Funday”, and spend our Mother’s Day together. I think that’s the most perfect kind of weekend I could’ve asked for. It’s amazing. This is me. I am everyday people. I enjoy telling my story, here, but I really am just another girl, living my life. Doing my best to be my best self. Somehow, I seem to have found a whole lot more good, than not. I suppose that’s the same struggle for most of us. We’re all everyday people, doing what we can to get through this life, while spreading a little joy and happiness along the way. Take a moment to step back and appreciate the good in your today, because you just might find there to be more than you even realized. It’s the simple things. All the laughs. The jokes. The people around you, smiling and laughing, too. It’s magical.

Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn

I used to be a little [girl]
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What’s a [girl] supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you,my love
I send this smile over to you

~The Smashing Pumpkins

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day, four years ago, we went over to my mother’s place. I’d made her gluten free brownies, because she (says) she has celiac disease. Although, I very much doubt most of the illnesses she claimed for herself were ever real. She feigned so many health issues, in her attempts to get her hands on pills, and maintain our sympathy. I would excuse her selfish, cruel behaviors, and blame them on all of her health challenges. I can’t forget how hurt I was, that last Mother’s Day I spent, with my mom. She was angry with me. I couldn’t understand why? I thought maybe she was upset that I only brought her the brownies? She stumbled around, barely able to participate in our outdoor picnic lunch. I left there feeling so incredibly hurt and sad. That’s the last time I really saw her. I saw her during her wild, rage fueled trips to bang on my windows and doors. I saw her in court, when I had to petition for a protection order from her. I shouldn’t be feeling a damn thing for her, now. But, for some damn reason, today I am.

I have the most amazing family. I’m surrounded by people who love and care for me. There are no conditions placed on their time, attention, or their affection. They actually want to be with me. I just can’t understand why then, do I continue to notice the same “holes” within myself. Ones I truly believed I’d succeeded in filling up. Yet, somehow, every now and then, a day comes along and my mind digs back up these empty spaces I’ve so tried to replace with all of the beauty and love I do have. I’m frustrated with myself, because I have to stop this shit. I can’t keep allowing my past to hurt me this way. I’m reopening wounds that should’ve been healed over. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

I’m honestly not in a bad mood, today. I’m not sitting here, in a puddle of tears. I’m simply attempting to make these thoughts, haunting my today, go away.

Mikayla, Jackie, and I hung out, this afternoon. Mikayla was out of school early, so we all went out to do some shopping around. Adam seems to be in a real good mood, too. He’s bringing home a pressure washer, so we can clean off my outdoor rug, on our patio. Him and Justin have plans to work on a couple vehicle projects, this weekend. Jackie and Justin invited us over, to play some cards, tonight. So long as Adam’s up for it, I’m totally down to do that! It’s going to be a great weekend, damn it.

~Blackhawk

Yesterday morning, things got pretty intense, shortly after I published my blog post. The rain was pouring down so hard, you couldn’t even see past the window. We’d gotten close to 3 inches of rain, day before yesterday. By this morning, we’d added another 8 inches to that. So, we got around 11 inches of rain in just TWO DAYS. There are several areas of local flooding. We’re fine, in my neighborhood. Besides all the rain, we were bombarded with absolute non stop tornado warnings, for hours.

When I texted my dad, to check in on him, his smart ass replied with these pictures…

We definitely had some scary moments, but everybody’s okay. Our house and vehicles are all good, too. We spent most of the afternoon, and evening, downstairs in our basement. Our power kept cutting off and on, so I didn’t get to cook supper. We just made sandwiches, with chips and some raw veggies, instead. It was actually kind of fun, hanging out downstairs, playing games with my kids, though.

I got annoyed with Adam, when everything first began to kick off. He wouldn’t listen to me, and go get to somewhere safe, during the first tornado warning… Why are men like this?!

It’s cloudy, still humid and wet, but not raining, today. We’re still experiencing some flooding, and remain in our flood warning, until late afternoon. I don’t have the littles, today OR tomorrow. My kids’ schools had a 2 hour late start, this morning. So, I even got to sleep in! I’m going to spend today catching up on some housework. I really need to clean and organize our basement.

That’s about all I have, for today. I’ve done a much better job, posting everyday, but there’s not always a whole lot to write about. Still, I know I enjoy being able to look back to what we were up to, weeks, months, and years from now. Time’s such a funny thing. I spent my childhood, so ready to grow up. Now, I wish it were possible to go back in time, sometimes. Or, to at least slow down my todays.

~Tyler Braden

Well, this is just great…

And, I just opened my big mouth, a few days ago, when I said I think we should be in the clear for a few months. We don’t usually get the tornado threats, once our weather turns hot. I guess I should not have decided to announce that, because nature is dying to prove me wrong, now.

It rained, yesterday morning. I had hung out bedding out to dry, and had to hurry and bring it back inside, when the sky decided to let loose. Then, the clouds cleared, and the sun came back out. It was very warm, and sticky, yesterday afternoon and evening.

Jackie came over, last night, and we hung out awhile. Adam got home, about 8:00pm. I kept supper warm, so I could eat with him. He helped me bring all of my potted plants inside, and we parked my car in the garage, in case we did get hail here. It stormed all through the night. We did get some small hail, during the night. This morning, it’s absolutely pouring rain, still. It looks like the next several hours will bring a whole lot more rain, too. It’s supposed to rain, non stop, all day and through most of tonight. The tornado threats are a bigger worry, for late tonight. This afternoon, it’s the flood advisory we’re in.

The littles will be here, soon. I really hope we don’t get any severe weather, while they’re here, and Adam and my babies aren’t home. Thank gosh, Mikayla isn’t scheduled to work, this evening. I should have all my people at home, where I can be sure they’re safe and sound. They cancelled school, at several surrounding schools, for today. Our kids’ schools were open today, though.

Hopefully, it isn’t one of those long, drawn out, “wish I’d have just stayed in bed” kind of days!

A lot of folks think if you got a few dollars you got it made
They think that’s all there is
They don’t see everything that happened before that
They just see you right now, there’s more to it, a lot more…

They say a rich man, he aint got no problems
He’s got all he’s wanted, never has to borrow but he’ll never see tomorrow
If everydays the same he works so much he never leaves his office most days
They say a poor man, he’s got all the problems
Everything is borrowed and he’s gotta work tommorow 
But you’ll never see the sorrow or tears upon his face
He’s always got a family and a dream he’ll always chase
They say a rich man, a poor man, together they are one in the same
We got one full life and we better go live it like we’re livin like we’re dying today

I guess they gotta divide us so we get conquered and fall
But we could stand among each other and not bicker at all
Imagine that, imagine life without a system that’s against us
Designed to make us hate each other more than the resistance 
They mask up and they ask if we’ve finally had enough
We stand up to fight back and they turn the pressure up
An attack on independence if you choose to press your luck
So don’t be wise, believe the lies and you can have another cup
I’m askin why’s there’s upper class and lower class and middle
And why’s a credit score the answer to the social riddle
See rich or poor it aint no more different for the sides
We’re all inside this hamster wheel just fightin to survive
See I wake up the same as you and you the same as I
So why’s all this fightin for position in the line
We’ll finish all the same when the shovel hits the dirt
Cuz one thing God will never ask is what the fuck’s your net worth…

~Overtime & Demun Jones

Adam and I’ve been through it all. When we were first married, we had to count every single cent we made and spent. One day, Adam came home, and told me he put in his two weeks notice, at his job. He had decided to start his own business. To say I was terrified, would be the understatement of the century. I can’t pretend I was a shining example of a supportive wife, in those first days. Adam would listen to my fears and worries, but it didn’t slow him down. He had made a choice, and he intended to make it work. Well, he did. He was very successful. Within 6 years, he sold his company, and moved onto a new one. We did have a few tight years, immediately after he moved on, but things have been on the upswing again, in recent years. One thing that’s remained very consistent, is Adam’s work ethic. The man refuses to ever turn down any opportunity to make money. I wouldn’t be where I’m at now, if it weren’t for his hard work. I absolutely recognize that. Still, I miss him, when his work commitments grow beyond those that I’d prefer them to. I guess I’m selfish, for wishing for only the best parts of success. Along with every accomplishment, sacrifices have to be made. I know Adam loves his family. I never doubt that, one bit. Things will slow down again. I just have to be patient. I’ve worked hard to be a supportive wife to him. It isn’t fair, for me to complain to him about how hard he’s working toward things, for us. So, I do my best. I really try to, anyhow.

Last night, I sent Adam the post I’d written. He didn’t say anything, about it. He got home, just before 9:00pm. We took a shower, and I asked him if he’d read what I’d sent him? He told me, “Of course I did. I’m your biggest fan, baby.” He made love to me, and held me in his arms all through the night. I felt him kiss my forehead, when he got out of bed, at 5:00am, this morning. I’ve got a great husband, who gives me a beautiful life. I suppose that’s why I crave his time and attention, so much. ❤️