It’s such a cruel irony how often the very thing I need is what I’ve been pushing away in a naive attempt to protect myself from any additional distress. On some level, I think Adam and I knew what we both needed, both deeply craved but outwardly denied ourselves and each other. There was never any malicious intent. In fact, we were each doing what most anyone would logically conclude was the “right thing”. We had been through hell. We’d stuck by one another, never wavering in our commitment to our marriage and family, but our relationship wasn’t the problem, so it wasn’t getting any attention. We were exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I was hurting, Adam couldn’t fix it, and he felt guilty, inadequate even. I knew Adam was struggling so I tried not to lean on him or put any additional pressure on him. We were both trying to protect each other but began to slowly wither away as more and more time passed without giving each other the things we couldn’t give ourselves. We would fall into bed and think only of sleep. Adam still kissed my forehead before he went to work each morning. We never hung up the phone before saying I love you. We went through all the motions, continuing in our repetitive and boring daily lives until finally, one night, Adam took me. We climbed into bed like all the nights before, only this time he immediately rolled over on top of me. He leaned down and kissed me long and hard. He undressed me and then slowly, deliberately parted my legs with his. [SIDE NOTE: that is one of the sexiest things my man can do to me! There’s something about the way he uses his legs to spread mine without my even really noticing until he’s already done it…purrr]
That night Adam had his way with me. He wasn’t exactly gentle, but he made love to me. It was so much more than sex. He showed me he wanted me, reminded me that I’m his, took back his place as leader and a man, my man. He held me down, pulled my hair, and took his time making sure to give every inch of my body his full attention.
The thing is, I didn’t realize the significance of that night right away. I struggled so much to push away all of the negativity bouncing around in my mind. I didn’t even have an orgasm. Over the next couple of days, though, I kept finding myself daydreaming about Adam. I was noticing him and his body. I wanted to feel his touch again. I felt so much “lighter” as I began to trust and allow Adam to help me take on the chaos and stress. The Bible says not to deny each other our bodies (sex) in marriage. I truly believe there’s a good reason that was put in there and I think I understand it better now. Each night since, we’ve had sex. Everyday, I’m feeling better and we’re growing closer again. Sex in the midst of life’s tragedies can seem inappropriate. We were fooled into believing that during a time when we needed each other most. Adam would’ve let me get away with murder a week ago. Looking back, I was acting out in small ways to test him. I was hoping to push the right button just hard enough that he’d discipline me. I needed him to reaffirm his role and mine. HE was needing to reaffirm his role and mine. Isn’t that ironic?
Adam is strong, smart, handsome, generous, and very rarely overtaken by his emotions. I can only think of one life event that brought him to tears in the 12 years we’ve been together. His dad had battled cancer when Adam was in college. He won that battle and remained cancer free right up to the five year mark, and then it came back. It came back with a vengeance. I remember the night his parents asked us all over and his dad rocked nervously in his favorite chair as he did his best to hold back the tears while he explained to us that the prognosis was not good. His dad was dying. Only five short months later, we sat around Adam’s dad in a hospital bed and watched him take his last breath. It was just after 5:00am when we left the hospital. After we got home, Adam went to take a shower and I knew he just needed to be alone for a few minutes. About half an hour later, he re-emerged with bloodshot eyes. It was obvious that he’d been crying. Now, I absolutely do not subscribe to the notion that boys/men should not show emotion. I think it’s unfortunate that we have spent so long teaching little boys that to cry is to show weakness and that it’s a “girly” thing to do. Having said that, I also know that men generally don’t share their feelings in the same way we women do. Men don’t think like we do. Adam is a man. He takes care of business. He is my knight in shining armor ever ready to slay the dragons and save me. Occasionally, even knights fall off their horses, though. Life is hard whether you’re a man, woman, both, or neither. As humans, we all have times in life where we need someone to comfort us and to help us back up after we’ve been knocked down. Even tough guys need help sometimes. I love Adam so deeply. I rely heavily on his ability to be the predictable and stable and responsible man he is. When I saw his heartbreak, his pain that morning, I went into “mama bear” mode. I was the protector. I was the rock for awhile. I laid in bed with Adam and ran my fingers through his hair while more silent tears fell. I understood the hurt and frustration that comes from not being able to fix it. Adam is the fixer, the protector, the calm in every storm. I am absolutely willing and able to step up and be those things for him in those moments when he needs me to. I can be strong and brave. I can hold back my own emotions so that I can be there for him when he needs me more than I need him. I can pick him back up, dust him off, and help him back onto his horse and then Adam can carry on being my knight in shining armor.
I always do my best to time supper so that it’s just about ready when Adam gets home from work. He can get home anytime between 5:30 to 8:00pm, so I’ve learned over the years how to time meals out just right so the food is hot and fresh for him and we can all eat together at the table. We had extra kids over, so the house was noisy and chaotic when Adam got home and I was getting all the kids plates of food dished out. We sat down, said our dinner prayer, and enjoyed our meal. Adam has this thing he’s always done when I’m rinsing the dishes at the sink he comes up behind me, pats my butt, and then reaches his arms around me and gives me a hug and a kiss and thanks me for a good supper. I chose that moment to announce that I had something I had to tell him. We also have a thing between us when it comes to sharing something that makes me nervous or that I know is likely to upset him. We shower together every evening, and that is when we talk about everything on our minds. There’s something about being naked in front of one another. We’re vulnerable and we can’t walk away if we get angry. We have had many a heated discussion standing in the shower together! I knew he wouldn’t be happy about the whole electric bill situation, but I also knew it wasn’t the kind of thing that would cause an argument or make him seriously angry with me.
A few hours later, I told Adam “let’s go take our shower.” He laughed and said I must be excited to get my spankin’ over with. He didn’t yet know what had happened, just that something had. It was finally time to fess up and I felt a little bit nervous all the sudden. I began with “you know how stressed out I was a few weeks ago? And you know I usually do a great job making sure I take care of things at home?” At that point, he probably thought I was about to drop a serious bomb on him because he looked really worried. I told him all about what had happened, but I wasn’t planning to mention the extra fees we had to pay until Adam asked about how much more it cost us. How did he know about that?! He had a serious look on his face at first, but then he grinned a slight little half grin that tells me he’s not too upset. He pulled me close to him and then brought his hand down hard on my behind. I yelped and he announced I had 5 more just like that coming. His hands can touch me in so many different ways. They’re gentle and reassuring. They give a great back massage. They hold me close and make me feel protected from the world. They can also feel hard as a block of wood. His hands were blocks of wood last night. When he finished, he asked me what I’d learned and y’know what I told him??? I told him I’d learned that he has shitty aim because he got my back twice! (He didn’t really get my back, but he typically spanks lower where I’ve got more padding.) This is the reason I titled this blog post, “Trouble squared”. I just had to say something snarky, which landed me in much deeper water. The truth is, Adam laughs at my silliness. He loves me and all my sassy southern ways. He isn’t trying to change me or anything. He has randomly slapped my behind probably 20 times over the last couple of days just to ask if his aim was better that time, but if I ever did or said something that made him truly angry with me, he would never lay a hand on me. This is our thing. Occasionally, there is a more serious message behind the discipline Adam is giving me. This time, the message was “please don’t screw up my credit because you haven’t paid a bill” and that IS something to take seriously. As for my sarcastic response, though, that did not mean that I wasn’t appreciating that I had done something stupid and this was on the more serious side of punishment rather than mostly playful. I did understand that and I did feel bad. Adam knew I felt terrible and that I don’t regularly ignore our bills. I say silly things to lighten the mood sometimes. I sometimes get sarcastic when I’m nervous. For Adam and I, my remark wasn’t meant or taken as blatant disrespect. I did get a much more sore rear end for it, but not because Adam was genuinely angry with me. I never have to be afraid to say something to him. I never have fear in those rare instances when he is truly angry. I know that he would never put his hands on me in anger, even with DD in our marriage. Once things have calmed down, discipline absolutely happens! But, I wanted to make it abundantly clear that he did not and would not spank me if he was really truly mad at something I’d done or said. My butt was sore the next morning, and again last night, but my spirit is not ever bruised or beaten by Adam.
Yesterday morning, about 8:00, our power cut off. I didn’t think too much of it at first because they’ve been blasting nearby and it’s been briefly cutting off and then back on again. After about 10 minutes had passed, I got more concerned. I called the electric company to report our outage and was notified via automated voice that the reason our lights were out was because the light bill wasn’t paid! I promptly pushed zero a bunch of times so I could reach an actual human because I knew I had mailed in a check toward the end of July and I was ready to let the incompetent fools have it. They don’t play around here. If your bill isn’t paid by the next months meter reading, they’ll cut ya off, so I’ve always made sure I got a check in on time. As I was waiting for the human I planned to give a piece of my mind, I opened my bill planner notebook to look up exactly when I’d mailed in the check. As I flipped through the pages, an envelope stamped and addressed to the power company fell out… I would have sworn I’d mailed that! I could’ve passed a lie detector I was so sure of it. Clearly, I had not, in fact, put a check in the mail. Mercifully, the elevator music playing through my phone was still going and nobody had answered my call yet. After a couple of minutes, a nice lady answered and I explained my situation. I was thoroughly embarrassed. We’ve never had a utility cut off for non payment before. I have always done a good job staying on top of our bills and payments. Adam also knows when everything is due and often double checks that everything’s taken care of each week. Our system always worked well, until yesterday. I paid the bill over the phone which cost an extra $2.50 for the convenience of using their automated phone pay system plus an extra $37 “reconnect fee”. This was an expensive mistake! I was dreading the evening when Adam would come home and I’d have to tell him. I briefly considered keeping my screw up a secret, but I’m a shitty liar and the guilt always gets to me anyway. It wasn’t punishment I was afraid of. I was ashamed and worried that Adam wouldn’t trust me to take care of our finances anymore. I knew that I had let him down, even if it wasn’t a purposeful mistake. Had I been paying attention, I get bank notifications for every debit and credit on our account and that check should’ve gone through within a couple days of mailing the check.
I have to take my daughter to her bus stop, and this blog is long enough already, so I’m going to end on a cliffhanger and I’ll post a part 2 later today. I called this blog “trouble squared” because had I not chosen to open my great big sassy mouth while Adam was lecturing me, I’d have gotten off relatively easy. Instead, I thought it was a good time to be a smart ass.
This afternoon, some of our neighbors right behind us were having a birthday party for their daughter. There was a bouncy house and pool party and at least 30 kids were there. The adults were outnumbered by quite a bit. I think there were about 10 of us. We live in the south. We’re all at least a little bit “redneck” in my neighborhood, so of course there were adult drinks being served. Maybe y’all have adult beverages at kids birthday parties in other parts of the country/world too, I’m not really sure? I wouldn’t even think of going overboard and getting sloshed at a kid’s birthday party, though. The mom of the kid having the birthday party (I’ll call her L) had a lot too much today. It was pretty embarrassing to be honest. I like L. She’s a fun girl and I know she loves her kids, but she didn’t use her mom brain today at all. She had disappeared inside and I heard some yelling. Next thing I knew, someone else was calling for L’s husband, J, to get inside right away. I kept my butt firmly planted where I was because I was absolutely not getting involved in whatever drama was taking place inside!! I heard some more yelling from L and then it got quiet. A few minutes later, J re-emerged outside. Of course, everyone wanted to know what happened and J casually tells us “I busted her butt. I told her if she didn’t settle down I was gonna bust her butt, and she wouldn’t listen.” Bust your butt here means give someone a spanking. It’s said to kids often. Apparently, L was getting into a heated argument with another person who was inside with her and she was slamming cupboards and throwing things on the floor like a lunatic. Literally no one at the party batted an eye when J told us what he’d done. I was considering sneaking inside to check on L and honestly, I wanted to be nosy and find out what had her so upset in the first place, but Adam grabbed my hand, pulled me back to him, and whispered in my ear, “if you take one step inside there I’ll come bust your ass too.”
So, this was my afternoon! I can’t even imagine how angry Adam would’ve been if I acted like L did today. She is about ten years younger than I am, so I suppose she’s still learning to adult. Her husband is 14 years older than her, so he’s also more settled down and mature. I have heard J make little comments to L about putting her over his knee. Heck, he even said it to me once not long ago (jokingly). I had no idea until today that he was ever serious about his threats to her though. How crazy is it that I actually know people in my real life who are like Adam and I?! Also, how crazy is it that not one single adult there thought anything of it when J announced her just gone inside and spanked his wife? I feel like y’all are going to think I’m telling stories here. Cross my heart, it’s 100% truth! I didn’t get a chance to talk to L alone after all that. I’m still dying to know what the world made her so angry in the first place. If I find out anything else worth reporting here, I’ll update tomorrow. As for me, I am able to sit comfortably tonight because I wasn’t about to get my butt whooped at a neighbor’s party.
TTWD, This Thing We Do, is sort of an all inclusive term for couples who incorporate any kind of “kink” into their lives. At least, that’s what I’ve understood it to mean anyway. I’ve been thinking, aren’t we all a little bit kinky? Who doesn’t have a fantasy or fetish? There are so many different things people can be into. From the common ones like playing “naughty nurse” or dressing in a sexy French maid’s uniform, to foot fetishes and beyond. I’m certainly not one to judge others for their own kinks, whatever they may be. It is rather annoying how judgmental some folks are about what other consenting couples are doing. I’ve received zero criticism for anything I’ve blogged here, and I’m grateful for that. However, I have seen plenty of online conversations where others have chimed in with their holier than thou attitudes concerning other couples and their turn ons. I feel genuinely sorry for those people because their sex lives must be absolutely bland or non existent. Now I’m not suggesting that we can’t share our own preferences or talk about why something others are into just isn’t your flavor. I’m talking about the buzz kills who do their best to shame and belittle people for opening up about what they’re into. Clearly, I like to discuss my own take on incorporating DD and a little BSDM into Adam and my relationship. I expect there to be very few (if any) folks who always agree with how I like to do things. That’s okay! I subscribe to and read a lot of other couple’s stories about their lives. Just because I’m not into all of the same things they are, that doesn’t mean I don’t find enough in common to find their writing interesting. Do I find some things to be a little weird? Sure. Feet gross me the hell out! You’ll never hear about me sucking someone’s nasty toes. To each their own though. We’re all a little weird, aren’t we?
To all my fellow kinksters in blog land, don’t worry about what other people think. Share your thoughts and don’t be afraid to talk about your secret fantasies. I have a theory that the people claiming to be the most horrified by our openness about what heats us up, are actually just really frustrated with their own inability to admit they’re kinky too. I mean, why else would they be reading your blog?
Adam and I have never actually had “safe words”. When it comes to sex, “no, stop, please” are all words that will put an immediate halt to things. I rarely say any of them, but it has happened, and Adam has always respected my requests. When it comes to spanking, there are also no safe words, however I realized just yesterday that there is one tiny phrase that Adam will pause for. “I’m scared.” I have only ever said it a few times before, but when he pulled a hairbrush out of the drawer, I was afraid. It’s been months since I’ve felt the sting of a hairbrush. He’d gotten me into position and had his arm raised when I said it, I’m scared. He brought his spanking hand down and used his other one to hold my hand he’d already pinned behind my back. I didn’t get out of the spanking, but that small gesture made me feel safe and comforted. Obviously, there’s an element of fear when you know your butt’s about to get whooped, but Adam would never want to do anything emotionally damaging to me. It’s important to him that I feel secure in those vulnerable moments. I honestly have never consciously thought to vocalize those words as an attempt to stop, or even pause, a spanking. It’s always genuine when I’ve said it. I guess I just hadn’t ever really thought about their impact. I love that Adam knew exactly what I needed. I love that he listens to what I’m expressing in words and in my actions. I’ve never felt the need for a safe word with Adam. We are so deeply connected to one another, he can always read my body language. He gets me.