If I never get put over our bed, and spanked like I was last night, it’ll be too soon…
I pay most all of our bills through our banking app, or Apple Pay. For some reason, every once in awhile, something goes wrong. I scheduled one of our utility bills to come out of our account, weeks ago. I didn’t think about it again, until we got a notice that it hadn’t been paid. I went online, scanned all of my scheduled and past payments debited from our main account, and it wasn’t there. I’m still not sure how, but it disappeared. Adam didn’t doubt me, when I told him I know I had scheduled it. What he lectured me on, was not checking to make sure it had come out. This has happened before, several months ago. I agreed, I’m going to have to be more vigilant about double checking, but I didn’t feel like it was fair to get punished. Adam disagreed. He wasn’t grouchy, when he got home. We ate supper. I cleaned the kitchen. Jackie and I talked, for awhile. Adam came in, around 8:30pm, and asked me if I was ready to go take a shower. We walked into our room, and he announced, “Alright, let’s get this over with.” I protested! He swatted my butt a couple of times. It didn’t even hurt that bad. I was angry, though. I looked up at him and asked, “Are you done yet?!” He said, “Apparently not.” I refused to surrender, this time. I was mouthy. I wouldn’t give him the yes sir, he was looking for… I couldn’t begin to guess how many times his hand connected with my behind, before I finally gave in. I was struggling to contain the tears trying to escape from my eyes. Adam’s voice softened. His hands gently held onto me. He told me that, this hurts him too. Believe me, I wanted to say something snarky, but I held back.
I didn’t sleep well, last night. I couldn’t get comfortable, no matter what position I tried. My butt ached. I’d lay on my belly. My neck didn’t appreciate that. It was a long night, tossing and turning. Adam asked me, this morning, how I slept? I just groaned, because I knew that he knew I’d been rolling around, all night. He leaned over, kissed my forehead, and told me he loved me.
I texted him, awhile ago. I wanted to show him that I’d paid another utility bill.
Despite my sore, achy body, I’ve gotten a lot accomplished, today. The sun is shining. That helps. I can’t explain why I’m so stubborn, sometimes? I just have a very hard time accepting or admitting fault, once in awhile. When I’m seriously angry, my inner sarcastic bitch is unleashed. Until the last several months, even Adam didn’t choose to go up against her.
We’re having Jackie’s baby niece’s first birthday party here, tomorrow. After that, we’re heading to my dads. I really want it to be a fun, easygoing kind of weekend. I have absolutely zero intention of doing anything to find myself bent over this bed, unless I’m enjoying it!
It was only Adam’s second day, at this office, and he ended up working late, last night. He didn’t get home until after 7:00pm. The kids had already eaten supper. I couldn’t eat. The kids were downstairs playing ping pong, while I watched and waited for Adam to get here. It was honestly a relief, when I finally saw his truck pull in our driveway.
Even when he’s upset with me, Adam always strolls into the kitchen, and gives me his sideways grin. You’d think it was an ornery type of smile, if I didn’t know better. I smile when I’m nervous. Adam smiles when he’s keeping himself calm, and holding back something. We obviously have “real” smiles, most always. These smiles, last night, were not them, though. He looked at me. I blurted out, “Jackie went out to eat with new guy. The kids are downstairs, playing ping pong.” I went on, “New guy brought Jackie beer. He took her out to eat. How’s come Jackie gets beer and food and I’m in trouble?” Adam replied, “Jackie isn’t really my concern, right now. And, besides, give them some time. Remember when [you did the first really stupid thing, after we’d just started dating]?” He was referring to an incident, years ago. He did not punish me, that time. I wasn’t getting a “get out of jail free card”, this time.
Adam pointed towards our bedroom, and said, “let’s go”. I put my head down, and walked to our bedroom, with Adam following closely. He shut and locked our door. There wasn’t much conversation. He just bent me over our bed, pulled my pants down, and spanked me. I’ve only had one spanking worse than the one I received last night. After a round of perfectly aimed swats landed on my backside, he paused. Then, he began to lecture me about how irresponsible I had been. He still worried there could end up being some form of legal trouble, at least for Jackie. I should’ve used my better judgement, and never gone along with our stupid plan. After he’d finished lecturing me, he put me back over our bed, and gave me a whole new round of very attention getting swats.
Adam held me in his arms, while I clung tightly to him. He reassured me that he loves me, and there’s nothing I could ever do to change that. He came out to the kitchen, to grab his supper. He told me to eat, too. I couldn’t eat, though.
I had told Jackie I would text her when it was “safe” to come back home. She and new guy walked in, shortly after I sent her the “all clear” message. Adam was sitting in the living room, and Jackie walked over to him. She asked him if he was mad at her? Adam told her no. She asked him if he’s disappointed in her. He said yes. She got teary eyed, and Adam gave her a hug. New guy cheered everyone up. He is a really good man. We all talked for awhile, and the mood was much better, all around.
When we went to bed, Adam started to run his hands over my body. As he began to remove my shirt, I asked him to love me. He gently replied, “What do you think I’m doing?” Then, he made love to me. I slept in his arms, although I had to stay on my belly. My behind still hurts.
Jackie and I are heading over to ship this damned box of crap back to the company.
I need to start right off by saying, this is not for everyone. I’m only discussing what’s right for me, and what works for my husband and I.
Why does Adam spank me? To put it simply, because it works! I respond to him much differently, when he has the ability to “humble” me. I’m very quick witted. I can successfully argue just about anything, even if I’m wrong. I don’t back down easily. I am stubborn. Knowing that Adam can, and will, very calmly bring me into our bedroom, pull my pants down, and spank my behind without hesitation, changes the way I choose to interact with him. It forces me to stop and think, before I say or do something that I shouldn’t.
Why would you want to be treated like a child? You should be equal to your spouse! Personally, I don’t believe my husband and I are “equal”. We are certainly valued, equally. We are not the same, though. He has strengths that I readily admit I do not. He is a man, who takes his responsibilities as a husband and a provider very seriously. I am a woman. I have chosen to take the role of his helper. I have different responsibilities. I also have so many privileges that he doesn’t. I can stay inside, where there’s a constant comfortable temperature. I make decisions about our home and our children. I make decisions for myself. I even make plenty of decisions for Adam. The only time I’m “overruled”, is when Adam says so. He doesn’t do that often, though! I am perfectly able to voice my opinions. I can argue my perspectives. The only thing I cannot do, is disrespect my husband. If I try to argue with him by insulting him, or berating him, that just isn’t accepted. If a decision is made, and I disobey it, that is not acceptable. If I didn’t trust my husband to always be looking out for me and for our family, I would never have married him! I want, hell I need, my husband to be a leader. I appreciate his authority. I don’t want that job! We are living out a “traditional” marriage, in a modern world. I’ve said many times, I am not a doormat. I am not invisible. I am not meek and silent and abused. Adam works his ass off every single minute, so that I can have all the things I could ever want. He literally lives to make his family safe, comfortable, and content. He puts our needs first, always. All he wants is a little respect. I’m doing my best to give it to him. Still, I’m a flawed human being. I’ve lived most of my life thinking, talking, and acting the way I “felt like”. When Adam spanks me, I realize several things at once. First, holy crap, he means it. Second, holy crap, he loves me, even though he’s really upset. He doesn’t yell at me, because I do not respond well to it. He knows that. He knows when to be firm, and when to show me some softness. He knows me. He’s taken the time to learn who I am, and what works for us. Will this work for everyone? Of course not. I am happy. I am secure. I am satisfied. I am madly in love with my husband, and he loves me right back, in all the ways I need.
I also have to throw in, that Adam and I talk to each other much more than other couples I know. We don’t hold back. We can tell each other anything. There aren’t secrets. We just speak to each other respectfully. Adam respects me. He doesn’t insult me. He doesn’t bark orders at me. He puts me first! I am very well looked after, and I wouldn’t trade my life for anything.
One more thing worth mentioning, is that Adam and I have more sex than other couples I know. Like a lot more sex. We’ve been together for 14 years, and I am crazy about him. We haven’t gotten bored with each other. We definitely aren’t boring, in bed. I may be trying my best to be a lady in the streets, but best believe, I’m a freak in the sheets…for Adam 😉
Adam didn’t get home from work until after 7:00pm, last night. We had, what I call, a “fend” night. I got out leftover chili, beef and noodles, and lasagne. The kids had already eaten and gone off to their rooms to do their own things, by the time Adam got home. I was loading the dishwasher, when he walked into the kitchen. He smiled at me, then gestured toward our bedroom, and told me to come with him. I asked him, “Don’t you want to eat first?” He said nope, he’d eat later. He wanted to “do this” now. I walked to our bedroom. He followed, close behind.
As soon as he shut the door, I held up my hands, as if to say “stop for a second”, and I told him I needed to say something. I explained, “Do you remember Shannon’s friend, Sheyenne?” He nodded. I went on, “I was talking to Shannon, and Sheyenne asked me if I was going to see my mom. I told her absolutely not. She gave me the most condescending look and told me ‘that’s your MOM’. It really upset me, because she has no idea what she’s talking about, but made that kind of judgement and it made me feel like I had done something horrible. Then, Jelly Roll’s new song dropped, and you know that’s hard for me. I was just so sad, pissed off, frustrated, and overwhelmed. I know I took that out on you, and I’m sorry for that.”
Adam just said, “You’re right. You shouldn’t have handled it that way.” Then, he walked over to me, and bent me over the edge of our bed. He placed his left hand on my back, pulled my pants down, and began to spank me with his hand. I wiggled and squirmed, and shouted, “OWW ADAM, THAT HURTS!” I’ve never said that, during a spanking, before. He lifted his left hand, off my back, and I slid down on my hands and knees, onto the floor. I pushed my face into the side of our bed. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t speak or move. Adam picked me up, sat on our bed, and put me on his lap. I straddled him, with my arms wrapped tightly around his neck. I continued to cry into his shoulder. His whole demeanor had softened. He held me and we spent a long time like that. He told me how much he loves me, and that he is always here for me. He said that he wishes I would just come and talk to him, when I’m having a bad day, because he’s on my side. He said that I don’t even have to talk about things I’m not ready to. I can just tell him I’m having a bad day, and then talk more when I’m ready. The only thing I cannot do, is speak to him like I had, the night before. I don’t remember what it was he said, but he made me giggle, a couple of times, during this conversation, too. He got serious again, and asked me, “Are you going to work on doing a better job of communicating with me?” I nodded. He tilted his head, and gave me a “look”. I said, “yes, sir”. Then he told me, “Good. Now we have to finish your spanking. We’re only halfway through.” I was still straddling his lap. He wrapped his arm around me, giving me no way to escape or even move. I clung to his neck and buried my face into his shoulder, again. The last half of my spanking wasn’t as painful, but it wasn’t pleasant either.
When it was over, Adam held me for awhile. Finally, he stood us both up, and kissed the top of my head. I walked into our bathroom. He went out to the kitchen, to get his supper. I stood in front of the mirror, willing myself not to let anymore tears come. Despite my best efforts, more tears escaped. I kept using my hands to dry my eyes, before they could fall down my cheeks. I think I needed that “release”. To let myself cry for a minute. There’s never a good time to do that. You can’t just carve out time to go fall apart. It builds and builds, until I can’t hold it in any longer.
The rest of our evening was peaceful. We spent nearly an hour talking in the shower. When we climbed in bed, I laid my head on Adam’s chest for a few minutes. Then, I sat up, and looked him in the eyes. I asked him, “Please love me. I need you to love me.” Then, I pulled him so he was laying on top of me. He was very tender and spent a lot of time kissing me, and running his hands over my body. I woke up, this morning, wearing only his t-shirt. My behind is a little sore. I feel a lot better, though. Emotionally, I’m in a much better place. I had asked Adam, last night, “When does it stop? How long is my mother going to be able to hurt me like this? Why can’t I make it stop?!” He told me that, it probably won’t ever stop, but he’s always going to be here for me, and that he wished he could take it away. I really did marry my Prince Charming. ❤️
Adam told me that he’d been very angry, on Tuesday evening, but he wanted to give me some time. He wanted to know if I would be sorry. He wanted to see if I would be sorry for what I’d done to him, or sorry for myself. Would I recognize how disrespectful I’d been, and would I apologize? I did all of those things, yesterday. It surprised me to know that was how he felt. I guess, I thought he would’ve done something right away, if he’d been upset. He said that he didn’t think I would react well to having him call me out, while I was so angry and frustrated myself. He also told me, now that he knows I recognize how disrespectful I can be, he will not hesitate to address it, immediately. He pointed out a couple of times I’ve spoken disrespectfully to, or about, him, recently. I hadn’t even caught that! It wasn’t blatant, nasty, hateful things I’d said. I had called him a “pushover”, at my Dad’s house, the last time we were over there for a guitar night. I’d made comments that belittled him, and I wasn’t thinking about how wrong that was. Adam said, he lets too many things like that go, without confronting me about them. He isn’t going to do that, anymore.
Jackie brought a 12 pack of beer in, when she got home from work. I’d been texting her about what was going on, with Adam and me. We each sat in the kitchen and drank one. I had made a casserole that was ready to go into the oven, as soon as Adam got home. It only needed 20-30 minutes to bake. I was watching our front door camera, waiting to see Adam’s truck go past. I’d just finished my beer, when it happened. He was pulling in the driveway, as I threw my empty beer can away. I quickly grabbed one more from the fridge. I chugged that thing so fast, it was gone before he walked into the kitchen! I was so nervous.
Adam had gone into our bedroom, before he came into the kitchen, to say hello. I suspected what he was doing…Taking a belt from our closet and setting it out. He looked so sexy, when he strode in to greet Jackie and I. He had his shirt sleeves rolled up, revealing his big, strong as hell forearms. Jackie started to talk to him about all kinds of random crap. I knew she was stalling for me. Adam didn’t seem to be in a bad mood. He was smiling and chatting, like normal. Finally, he turned to me and asked me how long til supper? I explained, I just needed to throw the casserole in the oven. He said “Perfect. Let’s go step into my office.” I really did intend to go with him, willingly. I knew I deserved whatever was coming to me. For some reason, I couldn’t make my feet move, though. He didn’t wait for me to move them. He picked me up and carried me into our bedroom. The dogs had followed, and as he was shooing them out the door, I started to walk towards the door, too. I was only playing. I always try to bring, even the tiniest bit of humor, into tough moments. Adam grinned, grabbed onto my arm, and said, “Nuh-uh, Eve”.
As I’d suspected, he had a belt laid out on our bed. He bent me over our bed. I immediately flipped over, onto my back. I looked up at him. I had tears welling up, in my eyes. I told him, “Adam, I’m scared.” I do not use that phrase, often. I don’t abuse it. I never say it to take advantage of my husband’s love for me. He knows that. He pulled me up, hugging me close. I pressed my face into his chest and started bawling. He smelled so good. This was what I’d wished for, all day. Adam’s “gentle” hands. He put his hand under my chin, and lifted my face so I was looking him in his eyes. His expression was kind. He said, “Baby, you know this has to happen. I need you to understand, this is serious. I love you so much, even when I’m very angry with you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. Let’s get this over with.” He laid me back down, on our bed. He left my jeans on, and put his left hand on my back, to keep me still. He spanked me with the belt, I don’t know, at least 6 times. Then, he sat down next to me. He talked about all of the things I wrote about, at the beginning of this post. I said a lot of yes, sir and no, sir’s. I was not expecting what happened next! He pulled me over his lap, pulled my jeans and panties down, and spanked me with his hand, hard. It hurt so much worse than the belt had. After, I’d guess, a dozen of those, he was finished. I was a mess of tears, and my nose was running. My hair had been in a ponytail. It was now loosely hanging on one side of my head, with hair stuck to my face. Adam wiped my hair from my face. He stood there, just staring into my eyes. I was sobbing, and breathing like I’d just sprinted a couple miles. I looked back into his eyes. My breaths slowed. We stayed like that for, what felt like, a long time. Finally, he spoke. “Just know, this is what happens, the next time you disrespect me like that.” I replied, “Yes, sir.”
When we emerged from “the office” (our bedroom, but Adam calls it that, when I’m in trouble), Jackie had turned up the music I’d had playing, in the kitchen. She’d also preheated the oven, and then put my casserole in. It was almost finished. This tells me, we were in there for 45 minutes, or so. It’s hard to have a concept of time, when we’re in there because I’m being spanked. Jackie didn’t ask me any questions. We went on with our evening. I’m sure we’ll talk, later today. She could tell that I wasn’t ready for a conversation about how it went. I’m sure it was obvious in the way I must’ve looked, too.
This morning, I drove our son to a local event center, for a “construction contest” he’s doing. I’ll have to go back to pick him up, this afternoon. He was real excited. It was COLD, outside. My heated seats don’t feel very good on a freshly spanked bottom, though. Adam and I are good. There’s no anger or animosity. It’s a new day. This is my favorite thing about the way our marriage works. I screw up. I get lectured and punished. It’s over.
These texts, between Adam and I, pretty much sum up my day here…
I think I’m fixing to find out just how hard Adam’s hands can get. Despite the way it may seem, when I write about the stupid shit I do and say sometimes, I don’t look forward to it. I don’t enjoy it, when he’s punishing me. I especially, don’t enjoy it, when he’s really disappointed in me. I don’t think I’ve made him this upset in years. I suppose, I probably have, but he hasn’t spanked me for it, in years. I guess I’ll write in here tomorrow, when tonight is finally over with. I swear, the clock is moving so slowly, because I just want it all to be done. At the same time, I’m not excited for Adam to get home from work. I am sooo, truly sorry. I wish I could rewind and redo last night. I wish I could take it all back.
I was standing here, in front of my kitchen sink, listening to the sound of my kids playing and laughing outside. My daughter’s best friend is here, for the weekend. The three of them are having so much fun. I see them jump on the trampoline. I see them running around on the swing set, playing hide and seek. Oliver (our dog) chases them. It’s the most precious sights and sounds. I thought, I need more time. It isn’t long enough that I have left, hearing their laughter, while I’m watching my kids play out in our backyard. They keep on growing up. One day, not long enough from now, I won’t be able to look out my window, and see my babies playing happily. They’ll be off, doing grown up things, with their own lives to live. They won’t be here, everyday. This is very hard for me to think about. I know the goal is to raise independent, intelligent, productive people. Grow them into people who can go out into the world and make something for themselves. I only wish I could slow it down, just a little. I’m trying to “soak in” these last years, with them here. I’m trying to live “in the moment”, with them, while they’re here. How many more Christmas seasons will my children be here to help me decorate? I do a thing, every year, we call “25 days of Christmas”. It starts on Nov 30. Every single day is an activity. I plan a calendar. Some days we are making a paper chain to count down the days til Christmas. Some days, we’re drinking hot cocoa and watching a Christmas themed movie. Some days, we make cards to send to soldiers who are deployed, and won’t be home for Christmas. We make “wish lists”. We donate to those less fortunate. We make gift bags to hand out to the homeless, full of all kinds of essentials and yummy snacks. We make cookies and candy. How much longer? I look forward to making our “25 days of Christmas” calendar, every year!
Everyone has their gifts. Everyone has something they are just real good at. My thing? Being a mama. That’s all I ever wanted. Since I was a small child, I dreamt of becoming a mom. I’m not perfect. I’ve made my share of mistakes. Being their mama is my pride and joy, though. Being a good mama is everything to me. Of course, I aim to be the best wife, sister, daughter, and friend that I can be. I’m doing the thing I was meant to, right now. But, I need more time! There’s still so much I want to do with my babies. I’m not ready for them to grow.
I wrote the first half of this, yesterday evening. It is now Saturday morning. Adam did go into work, early. I felt him climb out of bed at around 5:00am. I stayed in bed. I was watching a movie, Christmas themed (of course), with the dogs curled up in bed with me. I heard our system announce “person detected at front door”. I grabbed my phone and checked. It was my son, running out to meet an adult friend of ours who hires him to help with his Lawncare business, sometimes. They had made tentative plans to do some work, but I never dreamed they’d actually be working in this cold weather. I got up and went to go check outside. I wanted to see if there was any snow. We did not get snow here. We did get some ICE, though. The rain has frozen into a nice sheet of ice over everything. I panicked and sent Adam a text. I told him I don’t like our son being out in it! Adam insisted the roads are fine. I sent this picture I took of the deck, covered in ice.
I text our son. I didn’t think it looked like he had a heavy coat on, when he left. He insisted that he did have it, and he would stay safe. I had to laugh, because our son is just like Adam, when he texts me. It’s both adorable and frustrating!
One more thing I wanted to add to my post, for today. The truth is, I’m still embarrassed. I realized, last night, that I had done something Adam absolutely hates, a few days ago. He’s had a long week. I never wanted to add to it. So, I had sort of, totally “sidestepped” the truth about something really stupid. I knew I was going to have to tell him. I wasn’t sure I’d find the courage to do it last night, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold it in for long.
When we got in the shower, I asked him, “So, what if I told you something that made you real mad, this week. This week, that I’ve tried SO hard to be supportive and a great wife. This week, that you’ve not quite been yourself.” He asked me what I was trying to tell him? I immediately started to sob. I mean, I was shook up. I explained that I have felt so proud and so good. I told him, I know it was stupid. I wanted to tell him the truth in a way that caused the least upset or aggravation, because he was not very happy, all week. He softened, a lot. He reminded me that he has not come home angry or been mean. I said I knew that, but I can feel his tension in every text message. I can feel it, the moment he walks in the door. All I want to do is make it better. If I can’t do that, at least, not make it worse! The last time that I did this, was the worst spanking I’d received. I was afraid of that, but I was devastated to lose the progress I’d made. I was bawling because I felt like a failure, and it hurt me, probably as much as Adam! I know that my, very obvious, recognition of how serious this was to him, softened Adam’s own frustration with the situation. He didn’t insult me or raise his voice. He didn’t even look angry. His eyes were kind. He cupped my face in his hands, wiped my tears, and put his face close to mine. He told me he is still very proud of how hard I’ve worked to do the things he’s asked. He promised me that, this setback doesn’t erase all of the good I’ve done. He said, “I love you so much, baby. I’m never going to expect you to be perfect.” Then, he told me he forgot to wear his seatbelt, the other day, but he hadn’t told me about it. Finally, he kissed me, and said that I was still getting a spanking. I must’ve looked pitiful, because he gave me a grin and told me it would be cruel if he didn’t punish me. He wasn’t mad at me, but he couldn’t let it go without a spanking, because that would be inconsistent. I tend to have many more failures when he isn’t consistent. He knows this. I understood. I wasn’t excited, but I completely understand what he was saying. I expected it to be much worse, if I’m honest. I was afraid he would be angrier than I’ve ever seen. I was so ashamed to add more shit to his, already shitty, week. I hadn’t even felt any guilt, before last night, because I truly feel like I’m protecting him, when I skate around the truth about something that doesn’t hurt anyone. I feel like I’m helping, in the moment. It’s hard to explain, but Adam understands me well. He knows what I mean.
When we got out of the shower, he ushered me toward our bed. I had my towel wrapped around me. I asked, “Can’t I, at least, put my shirt on?!” I almost always wear one of Adam’s t-shirts to bed. He shook his head, picked me up in his arms, and carried me to our bed. I didn’t want to fight him. I knew I had done wrong. It’s not easy to hold still, when you’re so fearful, though. I’d reached my hand around to cover my bottom. Adam reminded me, “Don’t try to block. It’ll just earn you more of these.” I moved my hand. He was smiling. He does that when he’s sympathetic of my situation. He’s very patient, but won’t let me escape punishment. He lifted my towel, and swatted my butt several times, with his hand. It was not pleasant, but not nearly as painful or serious as the last time. Then, he sat down beside me. He told me he could see how truly sorry I was. He said that, he could see how hard I’m trying, and he felt guilty that I didn’t feel comfortable coming to him about something so stupid, this week. He told me he was going to work on that. He never wants me to hold back from telling him the complete truth, because I’m afraid he will be mean or cruel. He assured me, he will never be any harder on me, if I screw up when he’s had a bad day.
I wanted my husband, when we went to bed. I started to run my hands through his chest hair and slowly down, further south on his body. He asked me, “Are you sure you’re ready?” My lady parts were feeling pretty good. I wanted to try. We both got laid last night, and we both enjoyed it!
Yesterday morning, Adam’s day got started off on a bad note, and didn’t really get much better throughout the day. I was in a great mood, but I can tell when he’s grumpy at work, because he’s short with responses and much more quiet than usual. Jackie pays rent in the first of every month. She asked me if she could pay us her rent in two weeks, when she gets her next paycheck, because she had some unexpected things come up. I know better than to give her an answer to that question without talking to Adam first. I texted him about it. He called me. I got the “don’t make a habit of it or ask me again, but okay just this once” lecture, as if I was the one asking for a favor. I didn’t get an attitude with him or anything, though. He was late getting home, so it was after 8:00pm when he finally walked in the door here. I kept his supper warm. Adam has never, not once, walked into our home, after work, and brought his worries, frustrations, or troubles in with him. He is amazing about that.
Our son had been getting recruited by the wrestling coach. The coach asked him to come to a practice and then, last night, coach texted our son and asked him to join their team. The coach had already spoken to our son’s baseball coach and they’d worked out a schedule for him to do both. He was so proud and excited to tell his Dad! My son and I teased Adam about our plans to turn the house into a “Christmas wonderland” and we all laughed. Adam pretends to be a “Scrooge”, but it’s all an act. He loves that we all love Christmas time and he gets a kick out of pretending to be a buzzkill about it.
When it was time to get in our shower, Adam smacked my butt, as I was climbing in. I splashed some water on his face. He spanked me, again. I splashed, again. He spanked, again. I smacked his arm. He spanked me, again. I splashed him. He spanked me. This went on, no less than 20 rounds, before I couldn’t take it anymore. My behind was throbbing. Stubborn me hated to give in, but damn! Then, Adam asked me about something I had really hoped we wouldn’t have to discuss, right then. Earlier in the day, I had found out that some work we were having done here had run about 25% over budget. I had not mentioned it to Adam, because it didn’t seem like a good time to do that. He knew I’d spoken to someone about it, because we’d just had a conversation, the day before, when I’d mentioned calling to find out, since I hadn’t seen a bill, email, text, nothing yet. He asked me, “how much was it”? I blurted out the original estimate. He said, “$x? Thats it?” I said “wellllllll”. He tilted his head and gave me a look. I told him, “alright, so it was more like $y.” He pressed me on that, too. “Ok, so it’s really $y? There’s nothing else?” I looked down. I said, “ugh, alright. The final, real, total is $z”.
We both recognized that I had just attempted to “side step” something there. However, I pointed out, I did not follow through. I couldn’t just lie to him when he pressed me on it. I really didn’t want to discuss it last night, because I knew Adam already had a shitty day, and it was the last thing I wanted to dump on him. Adam turned off the shower, got out, handed me a towel, and put one around his own waist. I got out and wrapped my towel around myself. He took my face in his hands and held it so I was looking him in his eyes. He told me “I am so proud of how hard you’re working here, [Eve]. I know you’re trying and I understand that you didn’t want to tell me about this, tonight, but I still deserve to know what’s going on. This is why I have to punish you. I love you. I will always love you.” He kissed my lips, and then he went to the closet. He re-emerged, carrying a belt. I sat down, on the side of our bathtub. He let out a little laugh and told me, “Honey, you know that doesn’t work. C’mon. Let’s get this over with.” I shook my head slowly, while I stared into his eyes, silently pleading with him. He walked to me and gripped his hand around my arm so that he could stand me up, facing him. I, instinctively, wrapped my arms around his neck. I whimpered and buried my face into his chest when he lifted my towel that had been covering my bottom. He landed that belt straight across the center of my butt. It hurt. I jumped on him, climbing higher up his body, with my legs wrapped around his waist and my arms tightly held around his neck. He spanked me, once more. This time, he was much gentler. I slid down him, like he was a fireman pole, and sat down on the floor, holding onto his leg. He leaned down. I used my hands to “block” my behind. He assured me he wasn’t going to spank me again, and he helped me stand up. He told me again, how much he recognizes that I’m doing right. He wants me to know that he appreciates my efforts, but he still has to call me out, when I screw up. He mentioned that I was lucky he didn’t punish me for “side stepping”, which he felt he could’ve been justified in doing. He wanted me to know that he was proud of me for being honest, even if he did have to pry it out of me, at first.
When we were in bed, later, the subject of Christmas decor came up. He told me no buying anymore garland or anything like that without asking him, first. I said I’m not planning on it. Then, I giggled a little bit, because that was a prime example of how easy it is for me to “side step”. I wasn’t planning on it, but if I needed more, well…. I told him all of this, though. I promised I won’t do it. See, I am catching myself and my side stepping ways.
This morning, I don’t have one single mark leftover from the belt. I am covered in little black and blue “spots” all over my behind, from my stubborn refusal to give in and quit splashing or smacking Adam back, in the shower. I am legit sore as hell, too. I feel the ache.
I’ve never gotten out of a spanking, after Adam made the decision to punish me. I can, sometimes, explain myself in a way that helps to “soften” his heart. He has sympathy for me, even when he’s upset with me. Adam has told me, many times, that when he knows he is right, there’s nothing I can say or do to get out of trouble. There are circumstances where I will fully admit my fault. There are also times when I, sincerely, disagree with his assessment of my mistake. I can get angry and frustrated, when this happens. I’m just not one of those people who fully cooperates with discipline. I will, most always, go into our bedroom when Adam tells me to, even when I know he’s going to spank me. If I disagree with being punished, he might have to carry me, because I have been known to refuse. I have never, not even once, been able to force myself to obey an order to bend over, or turn over, and present my behind for Adam to spank. It isn’t simply because I’m stubborn. It isn’t because I think it’s funny to disobey him. I just cannot make my body do that. I freeze. Adam knows me very well. He’s an expert at reading my body language. He isn’t afraid to pick me up, put me over his knee, bare my bottom, and use his strength to hold me still, and spank me until he’s satisfied I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve never had a panic attack when he’s done it. That’s not to say it won’t ever happen, and if it does, I know full well what he would do. He would pause. He would do whatever was necessary to help me calm down. He would comfort me and reassure me. And then, he would spank me. I wouldn’t “get out of it”. I’ve also never really “lost my shit” when I was about to be disciplined. I’ve never screamed, cried, kicked, or any of those kinds of things. I can’t imagine ever doing that, but if I was that afraid, Adam would never force a spanking. He knows me. He knows when to be hard Adam and when to be soft Adam. He’s often both, at the same time, when he’s punishing me. That’s because he loves me. It’s because his goal is never to harm me or to traumatize me. The goal is to keep me safe, secure, and to assure me that he won’t ever let me fall. I wouldn’t have the love and the respect that I have for my husband, if he was ever cruel and uncaring. I wouldn’t learn anything, other than fear, if I didn’t know that he is always fair. He will spend hours explaining why I’m in trouble, a few minutes reddening my bottom, and then, as long as I need, talking and listening to me. He will sit with me until he is absolutely certain that I understand his reasoning, and I am confident that he considered mine.
I’m grateful that I can’t “get out of a spanking”. My writing may sometimes seem as if Adam is doing these things against my will. Never. Yes, I argue with him. Yes, I sometimes sit on the floor, attempting to protect my behind from him. Once in awhile, I don’t agree about deserving it. I have never been brought to our bedroom for a spanking, and then after, walked out of our bedroom feeling that way. I am absolutely certain that Adam’s heart would break if he ever did anything against my will. He knows that he has my consent, even when I’m in trouble. We’ve spent countless hours discussing these things. I’m positive that Adam would never spank my behind again, if he no longer had my consent. I don’t ever want that to happen! I can’t imagine going forward without this in our marriage. I trust Adam. I love him. I respect him. I need him. I also recognize my desire for his “hard hands”, when I’ve earned them.
Yesterday, I texted Adam, like I do every Friday, about bills I paid, money I put into various accounts, and all that super fun crap. I’m a saver. We have savings accounts for emergencies, for Christmas and birthdays, one for vacation, for medical bills, we have a couple retirement accounts, we have money invested in a (very uncertain) stock market. Having money set aside helps me to feel safe. My struggle, is there is never “enough” for me to stop worrying! Adam appreciates having money saved, but he prefers me to go over money management with him, before I make decisions. We had a good week, so I’d moved a decent amount into an account that can’t be spent easily. It takes days for money to transfer out of it and into our main account. This prevents any unnecessary, spur of the moment, expensive purchases. Well, Adam has been talking about buying a gas pickup truck to drive to work, instead of his duramax, because diesel fuel is outrageous. He loves his big ol’ diesel pickup, but it’s silly to be using it to get to and from work and spending $900 a month just for fuel to do that. So, we’ve talked about getting another truck he can use. He wanted to go look at one, yesterday. He wanted to be able to buy it, yesterday, if he liked it… I had just transferred that money from our main account. I told him this. He wasn’t happy. I didn’t know he wanted to look at a truck until after I’d told him I moved money, though! I, innocently, mentioned I’d done it, and this was when he informed me. How could I have known? I did try to argue that point, although I was not successful. I showed him my “book”. I keep track of expenses and all our accounts in it. I’m, generally, good at this. Still, I was in trouble.
I worked on him all day long. He was his regular, silly, supportive self. We’d talked on the phone, once. He was in a fine mood. He told me he was proud of me for a lot of other things I’d gotten done that he’d asked me to. I made myself a doctor appointment. Something he’s asked me to do all week. I got all our bills paid. I spoke to someone about a charge that I hadn’t made from my Amazon account. It got resolved. I shampooed the carpets. I got a lot done! Still, every time I asked if I was still in trouble, he would reply yes. I knew he wasn’t angry like when I “side step” the truth to him. I’d hoped maybe he was just going to call me into our room and lecture me and let that be it. I was nervous, anyway. I watched the front door camera, when I knew he’d be arriving home.
We were having, what I call, a “fend” night. Everybody chooses from leftover suppers I’ve saved. I was in the kitchen, setting out everything. Ham and cheesy potatoes, tuna casserole, chicken Alfredo, ribs, and lasagne were all options. The kids were outside, and Jackie was still working, so it was just me. Adam walked into the kitchen. He smiled. I returned a, cautious, half smile. He picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, and carried me into our bedroom. He laid me on our bed and held one hand on my back, while he used the other to pull my pants down. He gave me a few swats with his hand. It stung, but nothing hard enough to leave any lasting marks. I slid down onto the floor. Adam sat down in front of me. He talked to me about why he wants me to discuss things like that with him, before I make decisions with money. He assured me that, he never expects me to justify every dollar I spend. He feels that he deserves to know about things like I’d done, though. I do understand that. He would never spend or move large amounts of money without talking to me first. Yes, I take care of our finances, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be informed about what I intend to do, the same as he does for me.
Later, in the shower, he told me that he hoped I understood that, even though he hadn’t spanked me too hard, or gotten angry, he meant it. I promised that, I absolutely understood. I am well aware that “warnings” like this are not repeated. If I do it again, my behind is going to regret it. I’ve experienced this plenty of times. The rest of our evening was wonderful.
Today, I’m taking the kids to grab a few things they need for Halloween trick or treating. Mj needs some temporary, spray on, red hair dye. We need candy for trick or treaters. So, we’re going to do some shopping. There’s no real plans for the rest of our weekend. Looks like it’s just going to be some family time at home, for the most part. I’m alright with that. ❤️