Stay Beautiful

You’re beautiful
Every little piece, love don’t you know?
You’re really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
And when you find everything you’ve looked for
I hope your love leads you back to my door
Oh, but if it don’t, stay beautiful

~Taylor Swift

This afternoon has been a very typical lazy Sunday type of one. Adam and Wyatt cut the grass, weed eated, and then used our leaf blower to clear off the driveway and sidewalks. Our yard looks nice. I’m sitting downstairs, with Diesel, just hanging out.

Mj slept down here, last night, instead of in her room. So, I had to remake the bed. She likes to hang out down here, too. It’s not super hot, out. Only low 80’s, but it’s humid. Our AC has been running a lot. It’s cooler in the basement, though, so I opened the door, to let in some fresh air. I love to listen to the birds singing. In the evenings, the bullfrogs croak like crazy. I hear crickets, too. The lightning bugs have returned, also. All the sights, sounds, and smells of Summer make me so happy! I can feel my own mood shifting, as Summer’s arriving. I sort of bitch and moan when I get into my car, and it’s so hot my legs stick to the leather seats. Truly, though, I love everything about Summertime. Being able to walk outside barefoot. Not requiring a robe when I wake up each morning, to help me keep warm. The birds, the crickets, bullfrogs, and lightning bugs. Spending time out by the pool. Wearing cute little sundresses. This is my most favorite time of the year, hands down! Severe weather isn’t nearly as big a threat, during the Summer months, either. We get enough rain to sustain the grass, but tornadoes and scary storms just aren’t the kind of worry they become during Fall and early Spring.

I’ve got a big honey ham, I’m planning to cook for our supper. I’m also making macaroni and cheese, along with some chopped red potatoes, seasoned in garlic, onion, and butter.

My head feels nearly 100% better, now. No headaches, or weird symptoms. I’m feeling great. Just enjoying a day of lounging around, taking in all the beauty around me.

Last night, after Adam and I went to bed, I told him about how Mikayla had worried about who would look after her flowers when she’s gone. It had hit me like a ton of bricks. I just hadn’t even realized that this was the last time she would be coming flower shopping with us. It’s the last time she’s decorating her bedroom with flowers, here. I thought about how she calls me, every time she’s leaving work, to ask me hey mama, do you need anything? And, if I do, she grabs it from the nearby grocery store. I sort of had a meltdown, last night. I sobbed into Adam’s shoulder, as he hugged me. All these things that have been such a normal and expected part of my life, are about to change. It’s the simplest of stuff, too. The little things, like flower shopping. It all seems to be happening in fast forward, now. I’m helpless to slow these changes down. Even if I could, I know I wouldn’t. I’m proud and excited for my baby. Watching her grow into this amazingly talented and gorgeous woman, is such a source of joy for me. Still, I don’t understand how anyone can ever feel “ready” to let their children go out into the world. I wonder, is it just me? Am I an overprotective maniac? I absolutely cannot stop the flow of tears that form, every time I think about how little time I have left with her, at home. So soon, she’s going to be making her own life, in her own home. Her boyfriend just purchased promise rings, for the two of them. She’s not my child anymore. I’m really struggling to allow these changes to penetrate into my own reality. It’s as if a part of me is in complete denial. Most of me recognizes these changes. All of me is proud as hell of her. I just can’t quite get myself to accept that my baby is about to leave this “nest”. The place I’ve worked so hard to keep my babies safe and secure in. I know I have to let her go. I even acknowledge how ready she is, for this. I’m going to miss her, and these wonderful days I’ve gotten to spend knowing she would always be here. Going upstairs every night, to hug her and tell her I love her. Laying awake, until I hear her come in the door, so I can fall asleep knowing she’s safe at home. There truly is no love like that of being a parent. My heart belongs to my babies. My husband, too, of course. My babies are like a huge piece of ME, though. It’s as if I’m saying goodbye to my right arm. Something I count on everyday. I’ll have to learn how to live without a great big part of what I’ve considered as my own. She’s not just “mine”, now. She belongs to herself. She gets to share herself with who she chooses to. Of course, I know she will always love her mama. I don’t get to keep her to myself, anymore, though. I can’t build a protective bubble, to keep her happy and safe, now. She’s going to go out and experience the world, for herself. I know all too well how cruel it can be, and I suppose that’s part of what I fear. I admire her pure and sweet and generous and kind soul. I can’t stand the thought of anyone ever taking advantage of my girl. I’m going to have to trust that I’ve done enough. Enough to help to guide her on a path that keeps her safe and strong. Deep down, I know how incredibly capable she is. She’s my shining star. One of my most prized accomplishments. I celebrate all her successes, more than I would my very own. I also hurt more, when she’s been harmed, than if it had been myself. I feel all of it, more powerfully than any joy or sorrow I’ve experienced by myself. I so wish I could continue to shield her from the things I so fear. I have to trust that I’ve helped her to build her own defenses against the evil out there, now. Being my children’s mama has been my life’s pride and joy. It’s all I ever can remember wanting, since I was a child myself. My little Mikayla, is grown up. The baby who was born 5 weeks too early, but strong as hell. The baby I used to call a “muppet”, because the long dark hair she was born with would stand straight up. God, was she cute. Now, she’s a beautiful woman. I look at her and can’t help but think to myself, I made that, and swell with more pride than I knew was possible.

This is my Sunday. Enjoying this perfect day, while also desperately trying to avoid noticing the looming cloud that seems to hang over everything. I tell myself, this is not a punishment! This is a reward! Mikayla has grown into a most beautifully amazing “fruit” of all the labor I’ve put in. And, that’s absolutely true. I know this, but I can’t help but feel some sorrow about knowing I will no longer be needed in the ways I have been, for 18 incredible years.