I Won

I felt very strongly that I was not going to spend money for glasses I neither needed, nor wanted. In fact, I was willing to risk consequences for it. I knew with near 100% certainty that Adam was not going to spank me for it. I felt a little guilty for calling him on it, but I also felt I was doing the right thing. I’m not supposed to “brag” about it, but I did succeed at convincing Adam that I was in the right this time. I love him. I want to see him hold his ground (most of the time). I don’t know how the hell to submit when I absolutely disagree with something, though? I don’t want to just bust his balls. It’s sexy and he assures me that he really is the boss, the leader when he doesn’t back down. I don’t know how to explain it, because that’s exactly what I want (most of the time). This time, with this issue, I meant it as much as he thought he meant it. When I was finally able to do a better job of explaining where I was coming from, I think he understood that I wasn’t simply being a disobedient, disrespectful, brat this time. I wasn’t playing him. I could’ve done a better job of getting my side heard while continuing to be more respectful. I could’ve just shut up and did as he told me to. I could’ve. The question for me was, should I? Is this a time when I should stand my ground? I asked myself those questions. I honestly don’t know whether it’s partly because I’m stubborn as fuck, or all because I truly felt like I was right this time. If I had believed he would really spank me, would I have spoken up? I can’t answer that question, either. I think I still would have. I’m pretty sure I would’ve. I know I sincerely felt I was doing the right thing. I wonder then, did he sincerely feel he was doing the right thing? Figuring out how we handle disagreements like this in the future is not going to be easy. It is easy to accept and submit to Adam when I feel like he’s right. I want to be respectful, even when I feel he’s wrong. I want him to demand I be respectful, even when I don’t agree with him. I know I want that. What do I want when I’m sure I’m right, though? Do I want to win? I think so. I’m not exactly sure. I do root for Adam. I very much want him to feel confident and to not allow me to threaten his ability to lead with that confidence in himself. I found myself in a situation where I had such conflicting emotions. On one hand, I don’t want him to let me argue my way out. On the other hand, I want to argue because I deeply feel that I am not wrong! On one hand, I insist on having this go my way. On the other hand, I recognize that I am probably undermining my husband’s authority.

This is all my honest to God truth. I’m conflicted. I’m unsure. I’m doubtful and hopeful at the very same time. I know for sure that I wasn’t simply attempting to “play” on Adam’s emotions so that I could “win” this argument. I’m also sure that I don’t want this to be the beginning of the end of his reign as my king. I want to be his queen. I want to be second in command. It’s a weird thing to truly want those things, meanwhile also fight for his crown sometimes. I believe with all of my heart that every decision he makes is what he believes is best for his family. The next time something like this happens, I know I need to work on more clearly explaining my disagreement. I need to work harder on doing it without making Adam feel disrespected. I’m not going to pretend like the possible threat of my butt being whipped isn’t a deterrent. It can be a big reason for me to avoid doing or saying something. There’s another thing, maybe even worse than a spanking, though. If I feel positive his threats are empty, and then I “win”, his ability to lead is shattered. His confidence is lost. His manhood is damaged. He’s so kind and good to me. I don’t want to take advantage of that. I didn’t mean to do that, if that’s what it seems I did. My goal was to save money I didn’t think I needed to spend on myself. My goal was never to crush my husband. I just pray that isn’t what happened. Whether or not it was my intention doesn’t matter if we come away from this with bad attitudes. If I get cocky and he no longer holds his position as the head of our family, we both lose. I know for sure that I don’t want that, either. So, did I win? Yes and no I suppose.