Guilty

I’ve been internally struggling with an issue for a week now. Adam and I both got phone calls from the kids’ schools telling us they need updated immunization records. Records they should already have had transferred when we moved here, but for whatever dumb reason, their old schools failed to transfer them. They asked me to contact their doctor and request their shot records be sent to their school. Unfortunately, I just know it won’t be quite that easy. Our daughter is allergic to one of the ingredients in one of the childhood vaccines kids get. I need another specific form signed by her doctor to excuse this. I’m going to have to take her out of school, drive into Nashville, and get this form filled out by her doctor now. The issue I’m having, is that I neglected to tell Adam about this. I told him I talked to the nurse and left it at that because I knew darned well he would bug me about it everyday until I got this done. I’ve had a lot to do this week, and spending the better part of a day going to the doctor’s office just hasn’t been my top “to do” yet. The worst thing is that I haven’t felt guilty for keeping this from Adam. In a weird way, I feel guilty that I don’t feel sorry. Like, I should probably have this on my conscience, but I honestly haven’t. I’ve justified my actions to myself. I didn’t do anything awful. I simply didn’t want to explain this to him until I got it done. That way, I can do it on my own schedule. Last night, I briefly mentioned something about needing to call the doctor and Adam said he thought I’d already got that done. I told him I need to call again because the school doesn’t have their records yet. I didn’t give any further explanation, though. So now, I’ve doubled down on my “half truth” I’ve been telling him. It’s the dumbest shit to be (less than) honest about. I can’t exactly get out of it now. I’m taking her in on Monday so I can get this done. I’ve debated whether to just tell Adam, or not. I’m not sure whether I’m starting to worry that he’ll be upset enough to punish me, or am I keeping this to myself because I’m pretty sure he won’t care that much and it might make it easier to do this again. I’ve got a sinking feeling starting to come over me as I’m writing this all out. Maybe I do feel kind of guilty now? How wrong am I, really, for not telling the whole truth? Is it worse that I haven’t felt any remorse for it until now, when I’m actually taking the time to write about the whole situation? What if he gets mad at me? What if he doesn’t? I truly have been wanting to give him respect since the last issue that ended with me “winning” that battle. I know it isn’t a win or lose thing. That’s why I wanted to show Adam that I mean it when I tell him I do want him to lead. To command “respect” and “obedience”. It matters to me. I guess that’s why I’ve let it get this far. A whole week of sidestepping the truth because I knew he would hold me accountable and make sure I got it done.

This brings us to my current predicament. What the hell should I do now? I’m having second, third, and fourth thoughts. Outguessing my own self here. Regret growing by the minute. I don’t know if I can bring myself to be truthful at this point. I’ve let it go too far. I don’t know how to unwind this tangled web I’ve managed to weave.