Bruised Ego

I bruise easily. I get, what I call, “finger bruises” often. If I’m picked up under my arms, I can get them where I was held from. If I’m tickled, I’ll get them, and when I’m spanked, I sometimes get them. I have a few small “finger bruises” near my hip that Adam was noticing last night, in the shower. Likely, they’re from him holding me down when he had me bent over on our bed. I asked him “are you proud of yourself?” He gave me such a sincere look and said “NO. It’s very hard for me to have to spank you like that. I don’t regret it, but I’m sorry it came to that.” I remembered the last text messages we had sent that night, before he got home. I had text him “I love you [Adam] and I don’t want you to be mad at me or especially disappointed.” He responded back to me “I love you too. That’s why it pains me so much to have to do this.” Honestly, my butt is fine. It’s my ego that takes the biggest hit. Mentally and emotionally, there’s a powerful thing that happens to me when Adam spanks me. I feel sorry and ashamed, embarrassed, and “small”. I actually have a whole lot of power in our relationship, but not when I’m in trouble. I am at my husband’s mercy. I know that I’m safe. He would never harm me. I’m always nervous, but not because I worry that he will go too far. If anything, he’s too soft on me! When he had finished disciplining me, he stood back and asked me a question that I did not supply the correct “yes sir” response to. I giggled a little and I said something smart ass-ish. He told me he was trying to decide if the message had gotten through, and clearly it had not. He came back to me and yanked down my jeans (without even unbuttoning them) and pulled me over his lap and gave me two of the hardest hand swats he’s ever given. I pleaded with him that I didn’t mean it! I was just kidding! I’m sorry! I did not continue to give him anymore foolishness. He had successfully humbled me.

Jackie had driven over to my sister’s house to pick her up and bring her back over here for supper with us. My sister’s husband was gone for a couple of days for his work. Jackie knew all about my situation with Adam because I’d talked and texted with her about it most of the afternoon. I text her when Adam pulled into our driveway that I would let her know when to head back here. It was only about 10 minutes later that I text her again to let her know I was fine and come home and eat now. This was the following conversation…

Yesterday, Adam and I had been texting each other like we normally do periodically through the day. Until, right after noon I’d sent him something and got no response. I don’t freak out because his job has him moving from job site to site and he’s driving a lot or else he’s on site with the builders, so it can take a little while to hear back from him sometimes. After a couple of hours, I text him again asking if everything was ok? Still no response. An hour later, I tried to call him and it rang several times and went to his voicemail. Now that is very unusual. He can be in the middle of a meeting and, if I call, he’ll answer. We have an understanding. I don’t call him often. Text everyday, but calls from me always mean it’s something important. He calls me while he’s driving sometimes, but I don’t call him at work unless I need to get ahold of him now. My concern only grew after another hour passed with nothing from him. I thought about calling the office, but there are several locations in Nashville and I had no idea which one he would’ve been at. All I could do was keep trying to get ahold of him and wait. I would get anxious every time the dogs got excited at the window. Part of me panicked thinking, what if someone is here to tell me Adam got hurt really bad? Tears formed in my eyes every time thoughts like that raced through me. I kept thinking about how, just 24 hours earlier, I did not particularly want my husband to walk in the door because I knew he was going to call me into our room and spank me. Now, just 24 hours later, all I wanted in this world was for him to walk through that door. Finally, he pulled in our driveway. I ran out and said “WHAT THE HELL?!?! He showed me his phone. The entire screen was smashed. It had fallen out of his pocket while he was high off the ground and broken. I still lectured him that he could’ve called me from someone else’s phone, or the office!! He insisted he was not trying to make me worry and that he hadn’t gotten back to the office until after closing. He didn’t even go inside. Got into his truck and drove home. He did show me how he’d tried to use his phone through his truck’s Bluetooth and tell it to “call Eve”, but even that wouldn’t work. This morning, he’s getting a new damn phone! He had laughed at how worried I was when he got home, until later, when I tried to explain the overwhelming fear I had about someone showing up to tell me he wasn’t coming home. I don’t cry easily and I couldn’t even spit out the words without tears pouring down my cheeks. He felt terrible then. Promised me he would never do that again if this happens again. He would make sure to have one of the other guys at least call me to let me know what happened and that he was fine. I love that man so much! The thought of losing my one true love is more than I can bear to contemplate.