The thing I, personally, felt I needed to work on the most, was my attitude and my choice of words. When I’m grumpy, irritated, just feeling pissy, I can be incredibly disrespectful towards Adam. Every so often, I get this overwhelming “energy” that takes over me and I am convinced that he is definitely not strong enough to “fight” me on something if I really fight back hard enough. I believe that I’m right, he’s wrong, and I’m not going to let it go. I wind up treating Adam like he’s an idiot. The look on my face, the tone of my voice, and the words that I choose are all disrespectful as hell. I am on a “high” and I am not intimidated or ashamed, in the moment. It’s typically very stupid stuff I choose to argue, too. I once refused to drop an argument about how many hours he’d worked and been gone the prior year…on our anniversary…in front of a group of our friends and family. Yep. He should’ve whooped my ass. This is the thing I most felt I needed to do better. The thing I felt would be what most often got me into trouble when Adam started getting serious about consistently holding me accountable again.
I was not expecting that what has been the exclusive issue I’ve found myself in trouble for (the last several months) has been dishonesty. Or, mostly “side stepping the truth”. I was not aware that this was such a big problem for me. I never thought of myself as dishonest, especially with Adam! I find it’s the stupid crap I’m not truthful about, much like the stupid reasons I lose my shit and get disrespectful about. It’s been eye opening for me. For Adam, also, I believe. It appears I have an even bigger challenge to work harder on. I haven’t been in a situation where I got disrespectful towards Adam in a long time. Probably, since he got home from his work trip out of state in the beginning of August. That situation was not handled well by either of us. Adam has done an amazing job of dealing with my shit without it becoming a big fight between us. He stays right the hell on point. This leaves me with no way to “win” if I’m fighting him. He doesn’t insult me. I never doubt that he’s saying and doing this out of love for me. I don’t get left alone to cry myself to sleep. I might cry, but I’m not going to feel unloved and alone. There’s no fear that he won’t come back to me. I truly wonder what will happen the next time I’m overwhelmed with that disrespectful “energy” and I start up my attitude again. I’m never going to try to set that situation up. I’m not looking forward to it. I just know it will happen, one of these days. It’s not like I want another spanking like I received not long ago, I just wonder if he might still “back down” if I show him my tough, hard, fighter self again sometime. I still sort of believe I could argue my way out of something, if I really really wanted to. I’m an excellent defense attorney for myself when I need to be! I don’t mean to doubt him, I’ve just not been in this situation in a very long time where he handled it without either “stooping” down to my level and losing his authority, or backing the heck down because, let’s face it, I can be decently intimidating.
I really have worked at my attitude now for years. I have been aware of this issue within myself. I think I do a much better job of containing my inner bitch around Adam. Every once in awhile, she sneaks her way out, though.
I’m looking forward to a fun weekend with my husband and have absolutely NO intention of causing any problems that might interfere with that fun. It’s Adam’s birthday today! He’s going to have to settle for a birthday blowjob, because I started my damn period this morning. I’m making his requested Chili tonight for supper. I got him his favorite candy bar, Twix. I want to show him only love today. I appreciate that he is my king, and I am his queen ❤️