When You Lose Someone

I hosted my sister’s baby shower for her today. I’ve been seriously stressing it because I wanted everything to be perfect for her. I was 8 years old when she was born. I couldn’t wait! I loved that little sister and acted like a second mama to her. I spent a lot of time with her, even when I was a bratty teenager. She calls me her “sister mom” because, well, our mother isn’t exactly “mothering” these days. I had a tough moment this morning. While I was getting ready I had music playing, like always. It played a song by Nina Nesbitt called “When you Lose Someone”. That song is like it’s written for me with my mother. I realized, she should be here today! She should be helping to put on a baby shower. She should be part of all this. Our dad and his girlfriend (who’s amazing) were here. Our mother should have been here, too. I started to feel so sorry for her. Missing out on these huge moments in our lives. And then I got angry. Angry with myself for feeling sorry for her. Angry that I let tears roll down my cheeks, crying for what she threw away. Angry as hell at her! What kind of mother isn’t there for their own child’s baby shower? I haven’t seen her in almost three years. Neither has my sister. Our brother hasn’t seen her in even longer. She’s gone, but she’s not gone. She’s out there, somewhere. She’s probably too fucked up on Xanax, weed, alcohol, and pain pills to care that her children are living their lives without her. I am so mad at her. At the same time, I so wish she loved me. I wish she could love my baby sister the way she deserves to be. I wish I didn’t have to be my sister’s only “mom” who’s there for her when she’s celebrating big moments. I know this has to hurt her. We don’t talk about it much. I want to scream and cuss out that stupid bitch who refuses to give a shit! I also, deeply wish she could be here to hug me and support me and love me the way a mother is supposed to. I can’t imagine doing this to my babies. My GOD! I love them more than I can describe. It would absolutely kill me to not be a part of their lives.

My son had gotten his first “girlfriend” only a few weeks ago. He was pretty crazy about this girl, though. They’d played softball together. Gone to the homecoming dance at their school together. He talked to her everyday after school on his phone. Friday afternoon, I was plugging my iPad into the charger sitting next to my side of the bed, and I turned around. My son was standing there and he threw his arms around me and sunk his head into my shoulder. I asked him what was the matter?! He told me his girlfriend had text him and they’d “broken up”. His tears landed on my shoulder and I held onto him as long as he wanted me to. We just stood there, in my room, while he cried on his mama’s shoulder. That means everything to me! My little man comes to me for comfort. He came to me for advice. He needed me when he was hurting. I told him that he shouldn’t let that make him stay inside and be sad. I advised him to keep on playing baseball like a star and laugh, go hang out with your buddies, enjoy this time. When you’re his age, girls and boys don’t have a clue about each other! You want to, but you have so much learning to do. I told him “heck, your daddy don’t always find it easy to be married to me! It’s not always easy to be with him, either! You have to grow and learn. This is part of it. I know it hurts like hell, but I promise you, it’ll be ok.” I never want my children to have a time when they can’t come to their mama. I will be here for them for as long as I live! If my mom taught me anything, it’s what not to do.

I sent this to Adam this morning. I knew I was having a hard time dealing with the emotions flooding my system. I knew that he would understand. I just needed to tell him so that he knew what was going on with me. He was nothing less than amazing to me all day. I kept asking myself if this ever ends?? When does it stop hurting? It isn’t fair that so many happy moments get clouded by thoughts of someone who isn’t here for them. I have no solutions. I’m just going through the motions. Fake it through when it’s tough. Smile and do my best to be everything that the people I love need me to be. I know one thing, for sure. I couldn’t do it without my husband and children. Adam is the only solid ground I truly can always count on to be there. My kids are the reason I keep going. My family are my whole world. How can it be that my mother doesn’t feel the same way?