“The” Sweater

I had told Adam how I felt about the sweater I’d worn when I most recently got into trouble with him. He wanted me to wear it for my sister’s baby shower. He told me I looked beautiful in it and that I could turn it into a “good luck” sweater. Also, it was the right color to wear to support our Nashville Preds! I wore it. Everything went perfectly with her baby shower and we all had a great afternoon.

Saturday evening, we watched the “Ghostbusters” movie with the kids. My daughter and I made popcorn and we had a quiet night just us. My boys passed right out during the movie.

If I can just make it through the day without doing or saying anything I’m not supposed to, I think I can get through Tuesday without being in any trouble! It’s always either Sunday or Monday that something happens, and then Tuesday when Adam learns it happened. I was proud of myself a couple of days ago, because I went and told him about something I’d really rather not have. I didn’t do anything wrong, it was just one of those things that comes up and I’m worried it’ll make him stressed out. Normally, I’d have avoided mentioning those kinds of things and do my best to deal with it myself. Adam does not appreciate when I do that. He told me that he can handle things, I don’t ever need to protect him from stuff he really should be aware of. He said “How can I fix it if I don’t know about the problem?” Then he told me that he “has the penis in our relationship”, suggesting that I need to remember that and let him handle shit. I’m trying to be better about it. I think I have made pretty decent progress! I tell him a whole lot more these days. I slip up some, but it really isn’t nearly as much that I hold back from him as it used to be.

October is a rough month, for me. It happens to me every year since the Halloween night. Every year I think, maybe it won’t happen this year! And, every October, there comes a day when I “hit a brick wall”. Anniversaries of things are weird. Halloween, itself, isn’t that awful for me. I’ve got my kids to help get dressed up for trick or treating. I’m busy. It’s always before that when this wave of ick hits me. It’s frustrating, too, because I have sooo much good and happy going on in my life! I get kind of angry with myself for feeling sad. I don’t like to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they’ve hurt me. I feel I lose my power when I do that. While I was writing the post “more of my story”, my Apple Watch alarmed that my heart rate had risen above 100 beats per minute while I appeared to be inactive. I definitely had some emotion going through me, but I’m honestly okay. It helps to allow myself to remember and process tough stuff once in awhile. I’m not consumed by it. I’ll be just fine, like I always am.

Adam knew before I did what was happening to me, yesterday. He’d asked me to smile at him. I gave him a big, cheesy smile. He told me that was fake and then I laughed a little, for real. He was sitting on the couch awhile later. I came to him and asked to sit on his lap. He scooped me up into his lap and hugged me close. I told him I couldn’t understand what’s wrong with me. That I “hit that brick wall” today. He said, “it’s October, baby”. He knows me all too well. I hate that I spent my sister’s baby shower feeling sorry for myself, and then the next day feeling sorry for myself. I need to find that strength I usually carry. I don’t particularly like it when Adam feels sorry for me. I know that seems like a strange thing to say. I just don’t like to be so “weak”.

To this very day, there are weird “quirks” I have left over from trauma. Adam cannot “make out” or kiss me for long periods of time. I can’t stand shirts touching my neck. I can’t have ANYTHING in my face, especially covering my mouth and nose at the same time. I occasionally have panic attacks when I can’t escape his grip. I can’t predict when it’ll happen, it just does. He is always understanding and accommodating. There are times we are having sex, he’s on top of me, and he knows exactly when I’m starting to feel that panicky feeling. He will flip us over, so I’m on top of him, or he’ll just sit up and give me more room to breathe. There are times, even when I’m in trouble, he can sense that I’m freaking out and he will let me go. It’s only temporary, but he helps me get out of that panic before he continues on. Masks during covid were a very big struggle, for me. I can’t explain the absolute PANIC when something is around my neck, or covering my mouth and nose. It isn’t even like it happens always. It’s sporadic. I honestly don’t understand why it happens only sometimes? This is something Adam recognizes, though, often before I even do. Last week, when I was taken into our room and saw the belt and spoon on the bed, I turned to walk toward the bathroom door. I don’t know what my next move would’ve been, just that, it was a way to get further from the punishment about to come to me! Adam wasn’t even paying attention to what I was doing, so I thought! He was shooing the dogs out so that he could close the bedroom door. Without even turning around, he reached his arm back and grabbed ahold of my arm. I was shocked, because he almost never grabs my upper arm that way. It’s another weird quirk I have. I usually go into full blown freak out mode. I didn’t, though. I was actually just impressed how quickly and easily he stopped me from escaping.

This morning, I’m feeling much better. I woke up to the temperature in our house being only 67 degrees. My son just walked into the kitchen and said “dang mama, you got the whole winter ‘fit on today! Your heavy robe, fuzzy socks, pajama pants!” Well, this time of year, when the mornings are cool, but I’m not ready to cut on a furnace, I usually turn the oven on to heat up the kitchen a little bit when I get up. Adam doesn’t like when I do that. I did it Sunday morning, and when he came into the kitchen and caught me, he grabbed one of my wooden spoons and spanked me. It wasn’t hard like when he’s seriously upset with me, but he kept going as long as I kept telling him NO. I, for one, don’t think it’s that big of a deal to just let the oven run for 15 minutes to make the kitchen cozy! Finally, I told him “No, sir”. He fell for it! Told me that was more like it and put the spoon away. Hah! I told him “no, sir”. The response should’ve been “yes, sir” if I was trying to imply that I would listen to him and I won’t turn on the oven! Despite this “win” that I felt so proud of myself about, I did not turn on the damn oven today to warm up the kitchen. Even though I think he’s being ridiculous…