The Winds of Change

As I’ve mentioned from the beginning of my journey here in “Chronicles in Submission”, Adam has always handled me and my shit. Pretty much from the start of our marriage, he would spank me. It was more in a sexual/sensual way. Occasionally, it was a bit more serious. If I back talked a little too much, or if I blatantly disobeyed something, he would come over to me and swat my butt enough to leave a stinging sensation. The thing is, even that was done on a much much more rare occasion, until recently. I honestly used to read other women’s accounts of trouble they’d gotten into with their husband and think to myself, wow, I must be a saint of a wife, because I hardly ever make Adam that upset with me! As it turns out, he just let a whole lot of shit slide for a long time. He isn’t a hard ass. He really is the most generous and considerate man! He hates to see me crying, especially tears that he brought on. He actually respects me and my opinions, too. He appreciates my insight. He recognizes that I am not an unintelligent, incapable, weak minded partner. In fact, I’m pretty darned smart, and I can back it up with plenty of evidence proving my intellectually gifted brain I’ve got here in my head. I was taking care of myself, by myself, when Adam and I met. I wasn’t “needy”. And, I’m certainly not “weak minded”. I don’t imagine there’s a single soul who’s met me who’d suggest that! I know it seems as if I’m near constantly sharing my vulnerabilities, my tough moments, my insecurities on here, but that’s because I don’t often share them anywhere else. I don’t just sit and talk about my feelings everyday. I might be struggling inside just to make myself get through the day, but I don’t show it easily. I smile and I fake it til I make it. I think Jackie has seen me really cry maybe a handful of times in the nearly 20 years we’ve known each other. My sister, even less. I do talk with Jackie a lot, and I occasionally will even send her one of my blog posts to read. That’s much easier for me to do than to sit and try to form the right words face to face with anyone. I started this blog back in like 2019. I didn’t tell Jackie or my sister or my friends about it. I didn’t even tell Adam much.

We moved into our new house shortly after Christmas 2022. It was almost right away that things started to look different between Adam and I. My dad had lived with us in our old house for a year and a half and only bought his new house right before we bought ours. Adam wasn’t ever exactly afraid to stand up to me, even when my dad was there, but it was different. As I’ve written about, we were also going through the hell that my mother was putting us through. I wasn’t in the healthiest mental space. Adam showed me a lot of grace, patience, and understanding. I’m not suggesting that he was wrong for doing that, either. There should absolutely be extenuating circumstances that call for forgiveness without the need for immediate confrontation and punishment. I needed him to love me through it. I was getting beaten down in every way by my mother. I would get angry and lash out sometimes. I wasn’t always patient with him. Things are different now. Adam and I both recognize that. He was starting to stand up to me and my bullshit much more. The only problem was, he wasn’t often successful. He will even admit that, when it comes to fighting words, I will win. I am good at either disarming him by making him laugh when he confronts me, or letting “angry Eve” out and trading him “punches” with hurtful, damaging words. Ultimately, nobody wins. Neither of us felt good about ourselves. Nothing was solved. Hateful things said couldn’t be taken back.

I started to write in my blog again. I found myself, so often, trying to explain something I’d written to Adam and failing miserably. Finally, I began to talk to him about my writing after I shared some of it with him. This made it easier to have conversations with him, because he understood where I was coming from. We talk so much more than we have in, maybe ever. I don’t know if Adam has ever seen this deeply into my heart and soul before. I don’t think I’d ever let him that far “in”. We had talked about many of the things I’ve written, but I didn’t necessarily share everything. If it was too hard for me to talk about, or I just wasn’t ready to let him know that much of me, I’d leave those parts out. That didn’t help. He was only getting a pieces of the puzzle. How could he see the whole picture that way? I’ve finally began to understand that he loves me, all of me. He wants to be involved. He needs to know things, even if they’re hard to share with him. He’s never been judgmental or criticized me. It’s just the opposite! We are still learning and discovering things about one another. I was told, a long time ago, that I’m a “hard shell to crack, but a good egg”. I’ve also been told many, many times that I insist on learning things “the hard way”. These are accurate descriptions of me. I’ve told Adam, even recently, that “I can’t know what I don’t know”. Some of the things he’s asking of me, like not “side stepping”, which I understand is, essentially, lying. That’s just not something I used to feel guilty about. I know that makes me seem awful, but it’s the truth. It’s not easy to never do that, now. I don’t think he’s wrong for insisting that I knock that off. It’s things like this that we’re learning about each other. Opening up and being brutally honest with ourselves and each other makes a world of difference. I often ask Adam if he’s really mad at me? I can’t know what I don’t know! It can be hard for me to determine whether he’s being seriously serious, or not. Spanking me like he did last time he wasn’t happy with me, though…yep, he meant it. I’ll tell the truth, if he had brought his hand down like that one or two more times, I’m not sure I could’ve held back tears. I’ve never cried from the physical pain of a spanking, yet. It was knowing he was serious that made me cry. When I can hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes, and feel it in my behind, fuck, that breaks me. He’s never done that until recently. Not like that.

Here I am, over a week out from the last time Adam got upset with me, and I know I don’t look forward to that experience happening again. Having said that, it’s amazing how much it’s affected each of us. Adam is much more confident. He isn’t afraid to tell me no. Occasionally, I panic just a little bit about that. I can’t “take it back”. The genie is out of the bottle now! I trust him, though. I pray that he keeps wearing this confidence. I hope that he is unafraid to “humble” me again the next time I do something stupid. I know what a spanking that actually really freaking hurts is like. It isn’t fun. I’m not about to set myself up to do that again. Most of all, I’m amazed and thankful for the growth we’ve both experienced. I think our marriage is more solid than ever. I look at Adam and see someone who can take care of me. He’s stronger, braver, softer, and harder. He isn’t letting me talk or walk my way out of trouble. I can’t escape it. That seems like it would be terrifying! It’s reassuring to me, actually. There’s an even deeper level of trust that’s growing inside me for my husband. He’s here. He’s there. He’s not going anywhere. And, he’s going to make sure that I don’t, either.