We had our neighbors and their kids over Friday evening. We made s’mores with the kids and let them all play outside on the trampoline and swing set while we sat out and talked. They’re very nice people, and their daughter is good friends with our daughter. They are “dog people” who’ve just adopted their third dog. However, I couldn’t help but feel some type a way when he kept going on and on about how pit bulls are such bad dogs. They know Oliver is a pit/lab mix. He insists it’s because he’s a mix that he’s a good boy… I so strongly disagree with that sentiment! It frustrates me to hear people who claim to love dogs not understand that pit bulls are not “bad dogs” simply because of their breed. They’re great big babies! They love kids. They’re playful and sweet. Oliver jumps on the trampoline with the kids. He understands to play more gently with our daughter when they’re doing tug of war. He absolutely loves when our friend’s 3 year old son is here. He cuddles next to him whether he’s playing or napping or watching TV. Oliver has a few pit bull friends he gets to play with sometimes, and they always play so good together! I swear…some people are idiots. I’m sorry to be so drastic, but they have no idea what they’re missing out on by writing off an entire breed of dog like that! Ok, rant over.

Saturday evening, we had a friend come by and Jackie was home. We played cornhole and then sat out around the fire pit. I’d finally talked to Jackie about how I felt about that new guy that I just don’t feel right about. This friend who was here Saturday night is a great guy who likes her a lot. She likes him too, but she has treated him crappy simply because he has allowed it from her. Adam has had conversations with him about his needing to stop being afraid to stand up to Jackie. I’ve even made a few comments while we’ve been hanging out and Jackie says or does something disrespectful. Well, Saturday night, we were playing cornhole. Jackie and I are always a team, while the other guy plays on Adam’s team. Adam and I stand on one end to throw the bag to our partners side, where Jackie and “super trooper” (that’s his nickname) stood. I didn’t catch it, but Adam had heard Jackie say something and the next thing I knew, I turned around and Adam’s pulling his belt out through his jean’s belt loops. I know that sound… I said “Wait, what? Wh…why do you have that?!” He held it up in the air and Jackie shut right up. Super trooper started to take his belt off (mostly playing around) and Jackie yelled at Adam for teaching super trooper to stand up to her. Super trooper smacked her once with his belt and she marched over to Adam to chew him out. She asked him if he knows how bad that thing hurts? He assured her that he does. She wanted to swing his belt down on him once, so he handed it to her. I warned her that it just isn’t very satisfying because he always only laughs at me when I try that! She swung and got him on the back of his thighs. He asked her if that was the best she had. I told her “SEE”!! Then, last night, I was in the shower with Adam and I saw this dark purple bruise on his leg and asked him what the world he did there!? He had no idea where it came from. Later, Jackie had mentioned when she smacked Adam and how he just laughed at her, and it finally occurred to me, that’s where that bruise came from! Then, I considered how much damage that damn belt could do if he swung it down hard on me. Adam is a hell of a lot stronger than Jackie is! I don’t know why it suddenly occurred to me that Adam is actually very gentle, even when he’s being firm. I have never, ever had a bruise like that from a spanking! Small, “finger bruises” sometimes, but nothing close to how his thigh looked. This gave me two thoughts at once. One, that is beyond scary to think what damage that belt really could do!!! Two, Adam has clearly been very in control, even when he’s upset with me, because he’s never spanked me that hard. I don’t want to be, either. I’m both more afraid of the belt, and less afraid of Adam. Not that I’ve ever been afraid of him. I just mean that it reassured me that he knows exactly what he’s doing, even when I’ve pushed so hard that he’s angry with me. He will never seriously harm me. I already knew that he wouldn’t, but that proved it to me. This does not mean he wouldn’t make it hurt hella bad! This does not mean I’m no longer afraid of his hand, belt, whatever he’s got to punish me with! Just…holy shit my husband is strong. Mentally, emotionally, physically. It’s kind of incredible to me.

The thing I, personally, felt I needed to work on the most, was my attitude and my choice of words. When I’m grumpy, irritated, just feeling pissy, I can be incredibly disrespectful towards Adam. Every so often, I get this overwhelming “energy” that takes over me and I am convinced that he is definitely not strong enough to “fight” me on something if I really fight back hard enough. I believe that I’m right, he’s wrong, and I’m not going to let it go. I wind up treating Adam like he’s an idiot. The look on my face, the tone of my voice, and the words that I choose are all disrespectful as hell. I am on a “high” and I am not intimidated or ashamed, in the moment. It’s typically very stupid stuff I choose to argue, too. I once refused to drop an argument about how many hours he’d worked and been gone the prior year…on our anniversary…in front of a group of our friends and family. Yep. He should’ve whooped my ass. This is the thing I most felt I needed to do better. The thing I felt would be what most often got me into trouble when Adam started getting serious about consistently holding me accountable again.

I was not expecting that what has been the exclusive issue I’ve found myself in trouble for (the last several months) has been dishonesty. Or, mostly “side stepping the truth”. I was not aware that this was such a big problem for me. I never thought of myself as dishonest, especially with Adam! I find it’s the stupid crap I’m not truthful about, much like the stupid reasons I lose my shit and get disrespectful about. It’s been eye opening for me. For Adam, also, I believe. It appears I have an even bigger challenge to work harder on. I haven’t been in a situation where I got disrespectful towards Adam in a long time. Probably, since he got home from his work trip out of state in the beginning of August. That situation was not handled well by either of us. Adam has done an amazing job of dealing with my shit without it becoming a big fight between us. He stays right the hell on point. This leaves me with no way to “win” if I’m fighting him. He doesn’t insult me. I never doubt that he’s saying and doing this out of love for me. I don’t get left alone to cry myself to sleep. I might cry, but I’m not going to feel unloved and alone. There’s no fear that he won’t come back to me. I truly wonder what will happen the next time I’m overwhelmed with that disrespectful “energy” and I start up my attitude again. I’m never going to try to set that situation up. I’m not looking forward to it. I just know it will happen, one of these days. It’s not like I want another spanking like I received not long ago, I just wonder if he might still “back down” if I show him my tough, hard, fighter self again sometime. I still sort of believe I could argue my way out of something, if I really really wanted to. I’m an excellent defense attorney for myself when I need to be! I don’t mean to doubt him, I’ve just not been in this situation in a very long time where he handled it without either “stooping” down to my level and losing his authority, or backing the heck down because, let’s face it, I can be decently intimidating.

I really have worked at my attitude now for years. I have been aware of this issue within myself. I think I do a much better job of containing my inner bitch around Adam. Every once in awhile, she sneaks her way out, though.

I’m looking forward to a fun weekend with my husband and have absolutely NO intention of causing any problems that might interfere with that fun. It’s Adam’s birthday today! He’s going to have to settle for a birthday blowjob, because I started my damn period this morning. I’m making his requested Chili tonight for supper. I got him his favorite candy bar, Twix. I want to show him only love today. I appreciate that he is my king, and I am his queen ❤️