Another Monday

I haven’t talked much about the early days, with me and Jackie. I met her because her family lived next door. We were kids. I didn’t know the extent until much later, but she endured every kind of abuse there is, growing up there. Her “parents” were the most vile people. She would come to my house as often as she could. We played darts. We jumped on the trampoline for hours. We would sit out on our porches, when she wasn’t allowed to leave her house, and “hang out” from there. She’s been in my life longer than anyone, besides my Dad and my brother and sister. She’s been part of all my life. She knows my secrets, my struggles, my pain. She’s supported me through my heartache. I’ve been here through hers. We introduce ourselves as sisters to new people. She calls my dad her dad. She has nothing to do with the people who raised her, and I don’t blame her. For Jackie, we are her family. These things, from her past, are a big reason why I’m more understanding and forgiving, with her. She still has a lot of deep hurt she’s working through. I’m not sure it’ll ever “stop” hurting, for her. My own pain from trauma sure don’t. I have compassion and deep love for Jackie. I love her in a much more pure and real way than I loved my mother. I loved the persona my mother put on for everyone else. I loved who I wished my mother was. I love Jackie, and I know who she is. She’s done some stupid things. I’ve gone months without speaking to her. We always find our way back, though. I’ve found, I can survive without her, but I don’t want to. My world isn’t complete without her in it. And, I recognize that we are all she has. I feel a great responsibility for her. That’s not to suggest she hasn’t been here for me. There are plenty of my own life events she’s been by my side through. I truly don’t believe that everyone comes across relationships like we have. Friendships that can last for decades. Ones that don’t seem to be breakable, no matter what. She can hurt me! It isn’t often. There are three times she’s really hurt me, all for different reasons. I’m not afraid to stick to my principles. I will tell her YOU PISSED ME OFF! I will wait for her to come to me and acknowledge what she’s done. Then, I will forgive her, because she’s truly sorry. She’s never repeated something she’s done to me. The truth is, what happened a couple weeks ago, wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. It was one of those things that she knew would hurt me, though. It’s very hard for me to get past having people, who I trust to love me, willfully hurt me. I forgive her. I’m over it. Adam’s forgiveness took a little longer. We are getting there, though!

Sooo long ago, before my daughter was born, I had this minivan I hated. I never drove it. I always drove my white, sporty little car, instead. I’d let Jackie take my minivan whenever she needed a vehicle, because she didn’t have one. An idiot she was dating had crossed the line. This is the same idiot that I beat the crap out of later, after he’d blackened Jackie’s face and eyes. I didn’t like him. I loved Jackie, though. Adam had told me, he didn’t want me spending time with Jackie, until she was ready to get away from this idiot. I did not obey. I never told Jackie about this, until just last night.

It was such a beautiful day, yesterday. Jackie and I sat out on the deck. Adam joined us for awhile. I had told him, a couple days ago, Jackie wanted to apologize, but she was afraid of him. Jackie told me she knew she had crossed the line with him. She wasn’t sure how to say sorry, though. I recommended just talking to him. I’m sure not afraid of Adam! I KNOW him. She’s a little more fearful of angry Adam, though. He would never, ever lay a hand on her. He’s a little scary when he’s angry, though, if you’re anyone other than me or our kids. I talked to Adam. I told him Jackie was very sorry, and she wanted to apologize to him, but didn’t know how to, because she was afraid of him. He asked me, “you trying to guilt trip me now?” I told him no. That was the truth. Jackie was gone Friday and Saturday. On Sunday, when she got home, she had brought something thoughtful for Adam. I knew it was her way of apologizing. Adam did, too. They were a lot more like the way they used to be, then. It made me very happy.

This morning, I went to my daughter’s school and watched her get an award for being on the Honor Roll. Mj is such a smarty pants! She’s always done well in school.

I recognize how blessed that I am to be able to be there with my kiddos, for things like this. Not every child, who got an award, was able to have a parent there to celebrate with them. I love and appreciate Adam for always making that possible for me and our babies.

I haven’t done one damn thing to get into trouble with Adam. He’s been, playfully, slapping my butt. He hasn’t been upset with me. He told me he was really proud of me, these last several days. He said that he feels respected, when I obey him, even when it’s hard for me to do. I love making him feel proud and respected. I’m working hard to keep it up. Sex has been amazing. He doesn’t have to be gentle, when there’s no recent issue or spanking. We both need to “make love”, for awhile, after I’ve messed up. We’re a lot more kinky and fun, when I don’t have a desperate need for Adam to remind me that he still loves me. I feel more confident. I’m not ashamed. It’s just…sexy and fun!