I have so many special people in my life. I have so much to be grateful for. It frustrates me how shattered I can suddenly feel, out of nowhere, in the most random of moments. I was putting away my “Fall” themed kitchen towels, and getting out my Winter/Christmas ones. I came across this one towel, mixed in with all the others. It’s just a white tea towel. It has the words Mrs Claus written on it in silver, cursive letters. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at my mom’s house. She had just bought these towels. She gave me one. Just a couple of months before that, I had found a cute kitchen towel that I knew she would like. It had cats on it, I remember. She’d gotten wasted and been very hateful and said some cruel things to me, but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her, yet. I was afraid to knock on her door, so I put it inside her mailbox, along with a little note. She’d been so fucked up on all the shit she was putting into her body, she didn’t even remember the way she’d hurt me. She couldn’t understand why I hadn’t just come to her door. I made up an excuse, rather than confront her with the things she’d said and done. I told her we’d been sick, and I didn’t want to get her sick. I think that her giving me that stupid Mrs Claus towel, was her way of reciprocating the gesture I’d made, with the one I’d left in her mailbox.
I was in a good mood! I’d been excitedly putting the finishing touches on my Christmas decorations around the house. Preparing to decorate the tree, with my family. Then, I come across this mundane, unassuming towel, and I’m flooded with emotion. It hurts. It’s so hard. How can I find myself still missing my mother? I miss those times, when she made me feel loved. That stinking towel is just another random thing that brings me back to a feeling I miss more than words can describe here. I grieve the loss of someone I truly, never even had. I long for something my mother never could really give me. Unconditional love. The kind that I feel every time I think of my own children. The kind that I instantly felt for my new baby niece. It’s very hard not to listen to this little voice, inside of me, that whispers, “It’s your fault. You weren’t enough.” All the love I get from my husband, my children, my family, and my friends, it still cannot seem to fill the hole my mother’s absence has left inside of me. Knowing your mother doesn’t want you, unless it suits her. She attempts to worm her way back into my sister’s life, at this vulnerable time in her life. She’s just had her first baby. Of course she would wish her mother was here! Meanwhile, all our mother does is use her to hurt our dad, or me. She uses all of us. We’re disposable. Unless we allow her to use us like pawns in her “game”, we’re useless to her. So, I find myself sad, furious, lonely, and desperate to make it stop. I can only push it down for so long, and then, I do something like find a kitchen towel, and those emotions are all rushing back to the surface. Still, I can’t make myself get rid of things like the kitchen towel, because I know there won’t ever be another. I will never get, even the tiniest bit of assurance that my mother loves me, ever again. I don’t know how to proceed. Somehow, she still haunts me, especially when I’m truly happy. As if, I’m not allowed to feel that good. I don’t deserve it. That’s what that little voice whispers to me, anyway. It reminds me, too often, that the love of my most cherished people is not a guarantee. They too, might leave, if I don’t serve a purpose for them. I’m left desperately wanting to be needed, and never quite feeling I’m enough.
I know what a juxtaposition this must be from my last several blog posts! That’s the point. It’s such a shock to myself, too! Suddenly, I’m so incredibly sad, and it’s the last thing I expected.