Accidentally on Purpose

A couple of weeks ago, we had to sign and mail in something that was needed by November 23. I put it in the envelope, put a stamp on it, and put it in our mailbox, with the flag up, to alert our mail carrier to take it. I told Adam I’d done all of that, and that was the end of it. Our mailbox is different than most. It has a lock, so we have to use our key to open it. It isn’t like the kind you’d find at an apartment complex, where there’s a whole bunch of different boxes all together. It’s just our mailbox. It has a door that the mail carrier opens, drops our mail into, and nobody can get into where the letters fall, without our key. I have to place things we’re mailing out sort of half in, half out of that door the mail carrier opens. I don’t grab our mail every single day. I usually do it every 2-3 days. So, a couple of days after I’d mailed the paperwork, I brought in the mail, and it was mixed in with our mail. I suspected the mail carrier either didn’t see it, or opened the door and it fell in with our regular mail. At that point, I’d done nothing wrong. Where I screwed up, is that I kept it from Adam. I actually put the envelope with the paperwork back behind some other papers and things I keep in a drawer. I fully intended to get it put back into the door, so the mail carrier would grab it, the next day. The reason I didn’t mention this to Adam, is because I didn’t want him to think that I might not have been honest about mailing it when I’d told him I had. I know that sounds stupid, and it is. I’d been getting myself into way too much trouble, and I just didn’t want to risk it.

Well, yesterday afternoon, I was cleaning some things up, and it dawned on me, I forgot about that paperwork! I hadn’t remembered to get it back into the mail. It was already too late to get it mailed yesterday, too. I was driving myself crazy with guilt and worry, but I decided not to say anything to Adam until he was home. He was super busy, yesterday. I didn’t want to make him grumpy at work. I didn’t want him to come in the door angry, when he got home. So, I waited until we were in the shower. Adam can always sense when something’s bothering me. He knew very quickly that there was something I needed to tell him. He hugged me close to him and told me to just tell him what’s going on. I started by insisting that what I’d done was absolutely not malicious. It truly was not something I meant to forget. I explained the whole situation to him. He wasn’t angry with me, but he was frustrated. He asked me why I would think he wouldn’t have trusted me, if I’d told him about it, in the first place? He told me he believed me now, even after I waited 2 weeks to tell him. He told me, I could’ve put it right on the kitchen counter, where we’d both have seen it, and been reminded to get it sent off. I didn’t argue with that, at all. It was very dumb to try to put it out of sight, because that’s why I forgot about it. It was selfish of me to keep this from Adam, in the first place, because he would’ve helped me remember. Shit like this is just sooo stupid! When I look back, I think to myself, what the hell was I thinking?? I get mad at myself, too! All I was thinking was, I didn’t want to give Adam any reason to be disappointed in me or to question whether I’d lied to him when I’d told him I’d gotten it sent in the mail. What I wound up doing, is disappointing him and making certain he might doubt me in the future, which just crushes me inside.

Adam did spank my butt a few times, there in the shower, but nowhere near as bad as I’d expected. I was and am feeling terrible, though! The papers got sent, today, even though they’re late. That turns out to not be the end of the world. I still feel really guilty, though.

Sometimes, (often times, if I’m honest) I can push Adam, when I’m feeling insecure. Like, when I get too much in my head about things with my mother. I find myself pushing against him, to make sure he won’t move. I made a very conscious decision to not allow myself to do that, after my upset the other day, when I was so sad about a kitchen towel I’d found from my mother. I didn’t get an attitude. I didn’t act like a brat or a bitch. I didn’t do something to irritate Adam on purpose. I held myself together. Still, I ended up having done something stupid, anyway. Ugh.

My main takeaway here, is to quit trying to shield Adam or myself from shit. I have got to stop deciding what Adam should or should not know about. Trying to hide things that might upset him, always results in a guarantee to upset him. He ends up feeling like I don’t trust him. That is a crappy thing to do to my husband. The person who loves and trusts me more than anyone in the world. I am much more angry with myself than Adam is at me!