I had a long day, yesterday. I was tired, sad, pissed off, and it was like everybody was on my very last nerve. Poor Adam was doing his best to be helpful and supportive. I was on a damn rollercoaster of emotion. One minute, I could push down the bad feelings and managed to appear okay, the next minute, I was raging inside.
When Adam and I got in the shower, I mentioned something I needed to get done. He asked me, “You haven’t done that yet?!” I don’t have a good answer as to why, but this set me off! I said, “Are you kidding me? You’re going to give me hell about this? Why haven’t you gotten [and I named off a few things he’s been needing to get done]?” I truly can’t remember much of what else was spoken between us, until the point where I told him, “I ain’t gonna make myself small so that you can feel big, weak so you can feel strong.” He got very quiet and sat down in the shower. I accused him of moping and he looked up at me and asked me, “Is that really what you think I’m doing, right now?” I could feel his frustration, but I still couldn’t break from the spell my own frustrations had over me.
We finished our shower, barely speaking to each other. I went upstairs and told our kids goodnight. He went and told them goodnight, while I brushed my teeth. He brushed his teeth, while I unmade our bed and climbed into it. He got into bed and pulled me into his arms. We went to sleep. This morning, I woke up to him brushing hair from my face and kissing my forehead, before he had to leave for work. I had instant regrets about my behavior, last night. I sent Adam a text after I’d gotten the kids off to school. I apologized. I feel awful for taking out my pissed off on him. He didn’t deserve that. It’s exactly the kind of thing I’ve done for years. The difference is, we used to get up, the next day, and go on like it didn’t happen. He didn’t call me out for it. We didn’t talk about it. I’d feel guilty. I’d usually even apologize. “Consequences” weren’t a thing, for a very long time, though. Since Adam’s been seriously holding me accountable, I realize just how much it matters, when I do shit like that. I think twice about a whole lot more, these days. My greatest struggle, is containing “angry Eve”. I have an amazing ability to spew the most sassy things from my mouth, without even thinking about it. I turn off every part of my brain that tries to discourage me from saying things I’ll regret. I feel like an ass for not realizing sooner just how much I can hurt my husband. Sometimes, I’m not sure why he even puts up with it! The best way I can explain myself, is to say that Adam is my safe place. That’s not an excuse to be disrespectful or to take my anger out on him. It’s just that, he’s the person I know I can lash out at, and he loves me anyway. It isn’t that I’m intentionally trying to hurt him. I’m desperate to release the pent up hurt, fear, anger, and frustration I’ve been holding onto, and I turn it on him, sometimes. That doesn’t make it right. It’s just the truth.
He told me he was proud of me for recognizing all of this, and for saying I was sorry. He isn’t angry. Still, I know I’m going to get it when he gets home. Thank God I have such a patient and understanding and caring husband. Thank God he sees through my bitchy attitude and can still find the parts of me that are good.
We’re going to have a “talk”, when he’s home.