Secrets

Last night, Adam and I were talking. He wound up asking me to tell him some of the shit I still keep buried. He wanted to know more. I only told him about a couple of different incidents from long ago, that continue to haunt me, and then he got upset. There are some pretty terrible things from the relationship I was in, before Adam. I mean, bad shit. Also, there’s plenty of crap from growing up. There are even some things that Adam has done that have hurt me. Not in an abusive way, just some old scars. It’s so hard to explain, and I didn’t do a good job of it, last night, but I have a hard time talking about those kind of things because it makes me feel weak and pathetic. I don’t like to admit that I’ve allowed people to treat me bad, or tolerated violence. I don’t like to be seen as a victim. I want to be strong. I want my power back, and going back to shit like that is extremely difficult.

Adam truly had no idea the amount of “baggage” that came with me. I mean, I’ve told bits and pieces, but he was asking me to go even further than that, and that’s something I don’t like to do. I can’t describe how much I HATE being seen as helpless. There’s this sense of fear that maybe then he will look at me as “damaged”. Or, what if he sees just how much I will actually tolerate from someone I love? It isn’t that I don’t trust Adam! This is just a real fear, for me.

We had been having such a great day, until these things came up. That’s exactly the reason I prefer to “let sleeping dogs lie”. I end up feeling pissed off at myself for telling him about things like that. It’s like I get caught up in a moment of brutal honestly, and then quickly regret it. You can’t just have conversations like we did, and then go laugh and goof around. I want to laugh and be silly, today. I don’t think Adam’s ready to do that, though. Makes me so sad. I wish I could go back and undo that entire conversation now! I don’t want to be too much. I’m afraid of being looked at differently.