Payment Plans

I’m not the best at putting the right words to my emotions, but here goes. I feel like there’s this distance between Adam and I, for awhile, after I tell him about something from my past that he never knew about, before. It drives me absolutely crazy. I’m afraid he won’t look at me the same. Sometimes, I get a little angry, when he seems angry. Even though I know it isn’t me he’s angry with, it’s hard not to take it personally. Not to feel like it’s my fault for telling him something that I should’ve kept hidden. I’m different about all of my shit than Adam is. I can talk about something, and then I’m just DONE with it. I want to go back to “normal”. He needs more time to process and he gets quiet for awhile. That’s when I start to regret saying anything. I don’t want pity. I only hope to help to explain why I am who I am, and why I think how I do. We talked quite a bit, today. Me and my silly self have been working to lighten the mood.

I feel “dirty”, when I realize something I’ve told Adam has deeply upset him. Like, he’s going to look at me differently. I just want to get back to us. No weirdness. Nobody feeling sorry for me. No anger brewing because I’m hurt and afraid that Adam is looking at me different now. No bitchy attitude because I feel like I need to make sure it’s clear that I’m still just as tough as I was before he knew about something I’ve never told him. I just told him about why I despise the Kansas City Chiefs. My ex’s brother loved them. He was over watching a football game, YEARS ago. He got angry and he hurt me pretty bad. He took my hand and put out a cigarette right on the top of my hand. He left a softball sized bruise on my leg. My ex just sat there and watched. My shame comes from admitting that I let that happen. I’m embarrassed! Adam gets angry, and even though I know it’s not with me, I still feel so much shame! He understands why I have such a visceral reaction to the fucking Chiefs now, though.

Anyway, I think tonight will be better.

5 thoughts on “Payment Plans

  1. I am a reader of your blog and I am appalled, and outraged by what these two men did to you. One directly and one as complicity. I can only imagine how people in your everyday life who love you so much feel about this. I would never speak for how anyone shoujd feel. But when traumatic situations like this occur they trigger shock, disbelief, and deep hurt. Rather than letting things happen, we often just survive them as best we can in both the moment and afterwards. There are only two people responsible for what happened to you that day and neither of them is you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I know every one is different, so what I am about to say may not apply to your husband at all. That being said, when my husband learns of something hurtful from my past, or any person he cares about, he too becomes different. It isn’t because he’s looking at me differently, though I used to believe that too. So much so I once wrote a joint post with another blogger and coined the phrase WWS ( Wounded Wife Syndrome) where we talked about our dominant husbands acting differently towards us because of pain we experienced. It turns out that both my husband and hers just needed time to process their own emotions. Yes they were upset that we were hurt but there was more to it. They were livid that a person ( in most of our cases ) of their gender could harm a woman /girl/child or that a person who should protect you hurt you etc. .they were putting themselves in the place of the abuser. That is how they processed it all. While it does still have to do with me, it is more about how he feels not pity towards me. I’m not sure I’m explaining it correctly. Anyway, perhaps Adam is dealing with various feelings that don’t include pity? If anything he’s probably amazed at the strength you have had to have.

    I know it’s hard for me to not see the negative side of silence after I have become vulnerable with my husband. It’s still an area I struggle with. I become bitchy because the energy to be a bitch becomes a sort of force field around my vulnerable feelings and insecurity.

    I’m not sure if you’ve ever asked, but if you haven’t, maybe consider asking Adam why he goes silent and you may get an answer that helps more than telling him how it affects you (that can come after 😉)


    Liked by 1 person

    1. I also took that advice, and I talked to him about what his silence and distance means. He explained it, and it’s mostly just anger at the fact that things like this have happened. He’s so protective and, even though he was not any part of my life back then, it still makes him angry that he couldn’t do anything, or even that he still can’t. Guys are “fixers”. I’m sure it is hard to have a problem they can’t “fix”. I get that. I also talked to him about him about telling him things, and how it makes me feel shame and like he’ll see me as weak. I know I’m not a big bad ass, but I so want to be strong. It’s hard to explain, but essentially, I don’t ever talk about shit expecting or WANTING pity. I want understanding. I hope to give a better picture of who I am and WHY. It’s crazy we can be together as long as we have, and still be learning so much about each other. Jumping into this “DD” part of our relationship has opened a whole bunch of doors I wasn’t expecting, but it’s amazing. He tells me he feels like he knows and understands me on a whole new level, the last several months. Honesty isn’t simply telling the truth today, it’s telling the truth about yesterday, too. I just have a lot of “yesterdays”. It’s a slow, often painful process, but definitely worth it.

      Liked by 1 person

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