(This is a Seth Anthony song.)
I can pretty much find a song title that I love, to use as a title on any blog post, that suits me. Today, “Reckless” seemed appropriate.
I used to care a whole lot less about my tomorrows. I could be wild and stupid. I’ve cliff jumped, in a rock quarry, where people have died, doing the same thing. I’ve gotten in the passenger seat of cars, driven by people who were in no condition to drive. I’ve rode on the backseat of motorcycles, driven by guys who cared nothing about the laws or speed limits. I had a brand new, V8 Mustang GT, when I was just 18 years old. I don’t even like to admit how fast I found out I could make that car could go…
The moment my first baby was born, I found there was no more reckless within me. Suddenly, I had something to care about, that mattered enough for me to knock off the dumb shit. I’ll be damned if my babies are going to grow up without their Mama! Not if I can help it, anyway. So, it appears those days are long since past. My husband and my babies have “civilized me”. If someone had told me what my life would look like, in my thirties, back when I was reckless, I would’ve laughed in their face. Even though I always knew I wanted this to be my life one day, I never really believed it could be. My family gives me something I didn’t see before. There’s this value, in me, that I didn’t know could exist. It’s amazing that I can matter this much. Knowing that I matter to the people I love, is everything to me, when I’m struggling. To know that there are people who genuinely need me, that makes me press on. I will not fail my family.
That’s not to suggest that I’m perfect. I fuck up. I make my share of mistakes. The difference is, those screw ups matter to me, because they matter to my favorite people. If “my people” disappeared tomorrow, I don’t think I would care anymore. I’m not quite sure if that’s healthy or normal? I just know it’s my truth. I care about my own safety, because I love my family, and they need me. They’re the entire reason I wake up every morning. I don’t wear my seatbelt or take my vitamins, because I give a shit. I do it because they do!
I love my family from the deepest, purest part of my heart. A part of me that I didn’t even know existed, before they did. I have the best time, hanging out with Jackie in my kitchen. I treasure the afternoons, when my kids walk in the door, after school, and they throw their backpacks down, ask me what’s for snack, and hang out with me to chat about their day. I look forward to Adam coming in the door after work, everyday. With those occasional exceptions of nights he’s walking in, and I know I’ve done did it, and he’s going to be calling for a meeting “in his office”. Even then, I always need him to come home. It makes my day, when my Dad texts or calls me, just to check in on me.
I spent my day hanging out with my sister and my niece, Pj. She came over, with the baby, and we hung out, talked, and laughed. I held baby Pj most of the afternoon, except when Adam held her while they took a little nap together, in his chair. It was a lot of fun. My kiddos even had a blast hanging out with their aunt and their newest cousin. I wouldn’t trade days like today, for anything.