Real Life (Featuring Me)

“…so much pressure I can barely breathe. My demons branding me like Yellowstone. Mama ain’t here no more to pray for me. I’m surrounded by hate, fake fame, and greed. The dark days always seem to find a way. I’ve been dealing with pain, but keep a smile on my face….I keep on goin’, cause that’s all I know. Turning off every emotion, I’m in airplane mode. I keep my past in the rear view, with my middle finger up screaming fuck you. I broke down, tore into pieces. Black clouds raining on me again. I can’t get away. Trying to get all this time I lost. I can’t get it back. One foot in, the other outside the door. I can’t make a mistake. This is real life today.”

~Seth Anthony

I know it probably isn’t the right thing to do, but I often build walls, when I’m afraid. If I’m feeling insecure, I will push Adam away. I don’t want him to move away from me. I want him to stand firm. I need to know he is still going to be there. The worst thing he can do, is move. If he doesn’t stay right where he says he’ll always be, I crumble. It isn’t fair for me to make Adam “pay for” the damage my mother has done to me, but the wounds she left have affected me deeply. I can’t help but worry that, if I fuck up, he might leave too. I think I have this fear that, if I’m not “good enough”, he might not want me anymore. I spent so many years of my life desperately trying to find ways to get affection from my mother. I tried so hard to be the daughter she expected me to be. To please her. To earn her love. And, when I failed, I felt her wrath. She could look at me with pure hatred in her eyes. Genuine, hatred. She knew all the ways to hurt me. At the same time, a part of me craves boundaries. I appreciate when Adam is willing to step up, and protect me. To make sure that I don’t cross lines that I shouldn’t. I’m ok with that. I need it. As long as I never look into his eyes, and see the look my mother used to give me. As long as he continues to do and say everything out of genuine love. I can see, hear, and feel the difference, easily. I’ve been brave and open enough to share, with Adam, so much of the things I keep hidden from the world. The things that would give him a perfect insight into how to destroy me, if he ever decided to. My mother often talked about how she intended to “destroy” me. She’d do everything she could to accomplish her goal, too! I’ve shown Adam those weak spots. That’s scary! I wore a “mask” for so long. One that pretended not to be afraid of anything. One that portrayed nothing but confidence. Admitting my weaknesses, forces me to take off that “mask”. I’m left raw and real, and very vulnerable.

I’ve given Adam a roadmap into my heart and soul. I can’t travel the path to something great, without remembering the heartache I experienced, along the way. I can tell him all of the best ways to help, but that also gives him access to all of the ways to hurt me. I explained it to Adam like this, Imagine you’re training for a big fight. You lift weights in the gym everyday. You practice how to duck away and how to throw a punch. You’re asking me to stop training. Promising me that you’ve got me. If you let me down, I’ve stopped preparing. I’m no longer ready to fight. I can’t lift weights like I used to. I can’t throw a punch like I used to. I don’t even know how to avoid the punches from other people, the way I used to.

The hardest part is convincing myself that I’ll never have to defend myself against the people I’m supposed to trust to love me. I know I’m putting a lot of pressure on my husband. He wants honesty. He wants me to be vulnerable with him. To trust him. I need to know I’m always going to be safe with him. I need to believe that he won’t ever use the “road map” I’ve drawn him, to crush me. To destroy me.

I love Adam so much. It’s a very difficult and trying process, getting through the bullshit. It’s hard work, building something real and intimate. I think it’s worth it. I think our progress is amazing. It’s scary and emotional and it hurts real bad sometimes. It’s also brought on a whole new level of relationship that I didn’t even know was possible. I didn’t know I could let someone in the way I’ve been allowing Adam to be. I can’t describe the comfort and security that washes over me when Adam shows me that “he’s got me”. Even when I screw up, and he gets upset with me, and punishes me. When I can hear his love for me in the way he speaks, see his love for me in his eyes, and feel his love for me in the way he comforts me, even if he’s upset with me… This makes me sure I can trust him with the key to my heart.

I’ve began to open myself up to other people that I love. My brother asked me recently, “are you ok? You’ve been opening up a lot more lately.” My friends have been so willing to listen and support me. I’ve sort of been shocking everyone, because they know, it’s not like me to really talk. I think it’s good, though. I never intended to have only superficial relationships. I’ve just always been the one who listened. The one doing the consoling. Not the vulnerable one. It’s new, but it’s good.