Life’s a Dance

“The longer I live, the more I believe, you do have to give if you want to receive. There’s a time to listen, and a time to talk. And, you might have to crawl, even after you walk. Had sure things blow up in my face. Seen the long shot win the race. Been knocked down by the slamming’ door. Picked myself up and came back for more. Life’s a dance. You learn as you go. Sometimes you lead. Sometimes you follow. Don’t worry ‘bout what you don’t know. Life’s a dance. You learn as you go.”

~John Michael Montgomery

I often tell Adam, I can’t know what I don’t know. I suppose that’s how I’ve lived, all my life. People tell me, I always insist on learning things “the hard way”. I know I’m prone to taking chances. I’m careful about things I’ve learned better about. I’m responsible with money. I don’t ever put my children at risk. For myself, I can be kind of a risk taker. There’s this need to know, what if, that speaks so loudly to me. I need to find out, for myself. It’s like I’ve fallen so many times, I’m not particularly afraid of it anymore. I’m not sure whether it’s stupidity, courage, or maybe a mixture? I guess, it’s just who I am.

While there have been a series of unfortunate events, and people, who’ve failed me horribly, I mostly have been blessed to have people I know will be there, if I fall. If I make a mistake, there are people who I can count on. They will help me back up, onto my feet. Of course, I’d do the same for them! I love “my people” fiercely.

I automatically give “ my people” the benefit of doubt, until there’s irrefutable evidence to the contrary. I might view the rest of the world through skeptical eyes, but not “my people”. I pretty much expect the world is lying to me. Not “my people”, though. That can be devastating to me, when that deep trust gets broken. Despite being beaten down before, I always have faith in the people I love. It isn’t a half faith, either. It’s all in. This might be the risky side of me? It’s how I operate. If you’re in my circle, you’ve got my utmost trust. When that’s been tested, even in small ways, it shakes me. It’s hard for me to ever believe anyone I love would lie to me.

I’m not anywhere near perfect. I have told “half truths”. I do, what Adam calls, “sidestep”, sometimes. I always tell on myself, though. I can’t stand knowing I haven’t told the entire truth to someone I love. I’m not a liar. I absolutely can’t do that. I’ve lived this out for so long, “my people” always trust what I tell them. Having their trust is what keeps me honest. I won’t betray it. I’m a horrible liar. Even when it’s a silly thing, like a surprise, my ears turn beat red if I have to tell a fib, to keep the surprise a secret. So long as nobody specifically asks me about it, I can keep quiet. If I’m questioned, though, it’s game over.

Justin ordered flowers, for Jackie. He text me, and asked me to keep an eye out for them. I haven’t said a word about that surprise, to Jackie!

I’ve been paying my sister’s mobile phone bill, for almost 3 years, now. I finally gathered the courage to tell her, she’s going to have to do her own thing. She’s married. I really shouldn’t have to feel responsible for her bills. When our mother disappeared, my sister had been on her phone plan. When that got cut off, I invited her to get on mine. She was supposed to pay for her part of the bill, but it never happened. I’ve spent over $3,000 paying for her iPhone and Apple Watch bills. I told her, I’ll pay off what’s left of her iPhone, so she can keep it. She can take it and do whatever she wants with it. I can get a new phone, a new watch, and still spend less than I’ve been paying for hers and mine together. That was hard for me to do, though. I love my sister. I feel a responsibility toward her, beings I’m the “older”, sister. Adam never complained about her being under my phone plan, but I think it’s past time to give her the opportunity to “adult”, for herself. I love her to death, but it isn’t fair for Adam and I to be taking care of my married, grown sister’s bills. Even though I know all of these things I’m saying are true, I still felt guilty and nervous to tell her. She took it better than I’d worried she might. Thank goodness!

I think I’m going to go take the dogs for a walk, now that I’ve got all my “to do’s” checked off the list. It’s gorgeous, today! 72 degrees, sunny, and zero wind blowing. We heard someone cutting their grass, awhile ago. We also noticed our neighbor’s AC cut on, while Jackie and I sat on the deck, during her lunch break. I think it feels perfect. Lots of windows open, and the house is just right.