In Her Head

We had a great time, hanging at Poppy’s, on Saturday night. We played some silly games. We had a lot of laughs.

Jackie and Poppy were worried I’d forget to bring the games. I sent them this picture to assure them I had our games ready to go! Also, I like the way I did my makeup for Saturday.

Yesterday, I put up some Spring/Easter decorations. I took some small magnets, attached stickers to them, and then stuck the magnet stickers on my little blue truck. I can make different ones for all the seasons and holidays. Having them on the magnets will make it super easy to switch them out. I put some things on our mantle, too. I think it turned out pretty cute.

I made my cheeseburger soup for supper, last night. It’s a process, with a lot of steps, but it’s so worth it! Tonight, we’re having BBQ beef sandwiches. I’ve got a chuck roast and an arm roast slow cooking. Later, I’ll shred all the beef, and add in some “sweet baby rays” brand BBQ sauce (my most favorite). I’m going to make funeral potatoes to go with. I can’t remember if I’ve shared that recipe?

Today was my first day all alone, at home. Jackie and Justin are all moved into their new place. Adam’s at work, and the kids are in school. I washed our bedding, and towels. I’ve got them hanging out on the deck to dry. I had to run to Publix (grocery store), and grab some more laundry detergent. Then, I swung through the pharmacy, and picked up my daughter’s medicine refill. I intended to get the floors all vacuumed, swept, and mopped, but haven’t got to it. My car is a darned mess, since our Kansas trip. I need to get our friend, Biscuit, over to clean it for me.

I swear, Adam has been the one doing dumb shit lately. It isn’t me. It hasn’t been me who’s in trouble. Last night, I was waiting and watching, to make sure my sister had made it home safe. Her husband wasn’t home, so I was looking out for her, like big sister’s do. I accidentally fell asleep. When I woke up, at 1:00am, I grabbed my phone to check. She hadn’t texted me. I decided to check her location, to be sure she was home. I couldn’t go back to sleep, until I knew for sure. Adam woke up. He was real grouchy with me, and I couldn’t figure why? He asked what I was doing. I told him. Then, he accused me of texting someone at 1:00am. He wouldn’t take my word for it at all. There’s absolutely no reason for him to think I’d be doing something shady like that. I slapped his arm, sat up, turned the lamp on, and showed him my fucking phone. He made me so angry and hurt. I’ve never done anything to make him question my loyalty to him. I can’t remember the last time he truly hurt me that bad was. He apologized, but I didn’t want to talk. I cried a few quiet tears, and eventually fell back to sleep. I woke up feeling sad, this morning. I haven’t text or called him all day, but he hasn’t reached out, either. This probably seems like a small thing, but it was a serious slap in the face, having him insult my integrity. If he’d have asked what I was doing, and accepted my answer, it would’ve been fine. It’s that he didn’t trust what I’d told him. It shook me up. I’m trying to let it go, but damn it’s hard to do. One thing you can be sure of, accusing me of something I did not do, seriously upsets me. Continuing to question my word, when I’ve been honest, that unleashes fury, from within me.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m just writing down my story. Good, bad, and ugly. I almost think I should just go do something stupid. Do something to make Adam have to climb back “on top”. I struggle like hell to follow my husband’s lead, when we’re in this weird dynamic. I don’t want to come down on him. We all screw up. It’s so hard, though. How the hell am I supposed to feel? I guess this is his “punishment”, when he screws up. He has to know that he damaged my respect, for him. It can always be repaired, but it needs to be fixed back up. There’s some work in that. I feel like I’m standing on a tight rope, over the Grand Canyon, and the safety net he always holds for me, he sometimes puts it down. I’m left up here, trying not to look down. Desperately trying to convince myself not to feel afraid. But, I am afraid. It’s lonely. I want my husband to come back. Yet, he can’t even do that until I allow it. So, I want him, but I’m pushing him away, at the same time.

10 thoughts on “In Her Head

  1. I would say that to be honest this has nothing to do with you. He has somethings internal perhaps he doesn’t even know he struggles with. I believe he needs reassurance. As much as us woman need reassurance men do as well.
    I know if the tables were turned and my husband was checking his phone at 1:00 am I would question him and he’s the most incredibly honest human being. But I have my own internal struggles and sadly I carry baggage that just doesn’t belong to him. Sending you a hug!! I read your blogs every day and I wish we were friends 💖 worlds apart I’m a huge fan of who you are!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! You are absolutely right. We all need to be reassured, sometimes. Also, that was the sweetest compliment! It means a lot to me having people from all over who can understand and relate to the things I’m saying ❤️


  2. It is horrible to be accused of something you didn’t do. But misunderstandings do happen. Maybe rather having him come down on you, you could talk to him about how hurt you are and try to understand why he might be feeling insecure about things. It feels like if you do think that about your partner that it’s more about feeling insecure on their part. Why does he think that particular scenario was going on as opposed to a more innocent explanation? Does he usually jump to this sort of conclusion or is it out of character? It sounds like you have amazing communication normally so maybe just do what you do best, talk about it, even the hard stuff. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I sent him this post. Sometimes I write much better than I can speak into words. That was very out of character, for him. I think that’s why I got so upset. It’s more the combination of things that aren’t like him. They added up to create an issue. We had to deal with it. We’re on a good track now. Thank you for your comment! I really do appreciate the insight and advice ❤️


      1. It’s easy to comment from the sidelines when not caught up in hurt and disappointment . You should be applauded for working through a painful situation so constructively. For me, it feels like you offer this community of readers opportunities to reflect on how we might better and more safely move through any conflict in our own relationships. Thanks heaps 👏.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank YOU! We are certainly not experts, but we do love each other. We’re both committed to making our marriage last our lifetime, too. Trial, and plenty of error, have taught us things that don’t work, and what does. I’m sure it’s something we will still be figuring out together, when we’re old and gray. I think that’s what relationships are. Promising to learn one another, and doing our best to love and accept what we both need to keep it happy and healthy.


  3. Eve, life is complicated, feelings can get hurt easily, be the better person and reach out to Adam, you know down deep he loves you and you love him. Anyone can make a mistake. Be a good girl and reach out to him. Sir 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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