In Her Head

We had a great time, hanging at Poppy’s, on Saturday night. We played some silly games. We had a lot of laughs.

Yesterday, I put up some Spring/Easter decorations. I took some small magnets, attached stickers to them, and then stuck the magnet stickers on my little blue truck. I can make different ones for all the seasons and holidays. Having them on the magnets will make it super easy to switch them out. I put some things on our mantle, too. I think it turned out pretty cute.

I made my cheeseburger soup for supper, last night. It’s a process, with a lot of steps, but it’s so worth it! Tonight, we’re having BBQ beef sandwiches. I’ve got a chuck roast and an arm roast slow cooking. Later, I’ll shred all the beef, and add in some “sweet baby rays” brand BBQ sauce (my most favorite). I’m going to make funeral potatoes to go with. I can’t remember if I’ve shared that recipe?

Today was my first day all alone, at home. Jackie and Justin are all moved into their new place. Adam’s at work, and the kids are in school. I washed our bedding, and towels. I’ve got them hanging out on the deck to dry. I had to run to Publix (grocery store), and grab some more laundry detergent. Then, I swung through the pharmacy, and picked up my daughter’s medicine refill. I intended to get the floors all vacuumed, swept, and mopped, but haven’t got to it. My car is a darned mess, since our Kansas trip. I need to get our friend, Biscuit, over to clean it for me.

I swear, Adam has been the one doing dumb shit lately. It isn’t me. It hasn’t been me who’s in trouble. Last night, I was waiting and watching, to make sure my sister had made it home safe. Her husband wasn’t home, so I was looking out for her, like big sister’s do. I accidentally fell asleep. When I woke up, at 1:00am, I grabbed my phone to check. She hadn’t texted me. I decided to check her location, to be sure she was home. I couldn’t go back to sleep, until I knew for sure. Adam woke up. He was real grouchy with me, and I couldn’t figure why? He asked what I was doing. I told him. Then, he accused me of texting someone at 1:00am. He wouldn’t take my word for it at all. There’s absolutely no reason for him to think I’d be doing something shady like that. I slapped his arm, sat up, turned the lamp on, and showed him my fucking phone. He made me so angry and hurt. I’ve never done anything to make him question my loyalty to him. I can’t remember the last time he truly hurt me that bad was. He apologized, but I didn’t want to talk. I cried a few quiet tears, and eventually fell back to sleep. I woke up feeling sad, this morning. I haven’t text or called him all day, but he hasn’t reached out, either. This probably seems like a small thing, but it was a serious slap in the face, having him insult my integrity. If he’d have asked what I was doing, and accepted my answer, it would’ve been fine. It’s that he didn’t trust what I’d told him. It shook me up. I’m trying to let it go, but damn it’s hard to do. One thing you can be sure of, accusing me of something I did not do, seriously upsets me. Continuing to question my word, when I’ve been honest, that unleashes fury, from within me.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m just writing down my story. Good, bad, and ugly. I almost think I should just go do something stupid. Do something to make Adam have to climb back “on top”. I struggle like hell to follow my husband’s lead, when we’re in this weird dynamic. I don’t want to come down on him. We all screw up. It’s so hard, though. How the hell am I supposed to feel? I guess this is his “punishment”, when he screws up. He has to know that he damaged my respect, for him. It can always be repaired, but it needs to be fixed back up. There’s some work in that. I feel like I’m standing on a tight rope, over the Grand Canyon, and the safety net he always holds for me, he sometimes puts it down. I’m left up here, trying not to look down. Desperately trying to convince myself not to feel afraid. But, I am afraid. It’s lonely. I want my husband to come back. Yet, he can’t even do that until I allow it. So, I want him, but I’m pushing him away, at the same time.