Faithfully

Oh girl, you stand by me.

I’m forever yours, faithfully.

~Journey

When Adam and I were newly married, and just starting our family, he was also beginning to grow his business. He worked 7 days a week. He might be home, between 10:00pm-4:00am, if I was lucky. While he did an amazing job of getting his small business to take off, and bringing in more money than we ever had before, I was miserable. He missed out on all the memories we were making, without him. Birthdays, holidays, vacations. I dreamed of having him at home, every night, to sit at the table and eat supper with our family. Still, I never once strayed. I never even considered it. That’s not to say that there wasn’t opportunity. More than once, Adam and I were solicited from people from our past, and even a few from the present. Men and women we thought were our friends, who decided to try and push their way in, while they knew we were struggling. It was never permitted, though. There have been people who’ve wanted what Adam and I have. Rather than seek it out, for themselves, they tried to take it from us. I’ve learned that I can trust my husband. I believe he’s devoted to his family. I know he loves me. I have no problem cutting a bitch from my life, if she tries anything with my man, though.

Awhile back, an acquaintance of mine had sent me an innocent seeming text message. I replied. Before I knew it, my phone was ringing darn near daily, with his number flashing on my screen. I ignored him. I figured he’d get the hint. Then, one day, he came to our door, while Adam was at work. When I didn’t answer, he sent me some hateful, threatening texts. I also got a nasty voicemail, after several unanswered calls. Finally, I told Adam about this escalation of events. I had been telling myself I was being dramatic. I thought I would be causing a scene over something that I was just taking the wrong way. This guy was kind of clueless. Maybe he truly didn’t realize he was crossing the line? After he’d come to our house, and started to get angry and mean, I couldn’t deny my gut feelings any longer. Adam is a kind and gentle man, but I’ve seen another side of him, when he’s protecting his family. I have no idea what Adam did, after I told him. He said he would take care of it, and I haven’t heard a thing from that guy, since.

I had a long conversation, with Adam, last night. He had felt me pulling away, recently. He’s not wrong. I haven’t quite been myself. That’s because he hasn’t been himself, either. He’s been emotionally distant. Not listening to things I’ve told him. I can’t tell y’all how many times I’ve told him something, only to have him claim he didn’t know the very thing I told him, just days earlier. He’s assured me he would do some things, and hasn’t done them. When it all combines, in such a short period of time, I can’t help but wonder, what the hell? I told Adam about something I heard, not long ago. It was in a podcast. They said, “Women need emotional intimacy from a man, before they want a physical connection. Men need physical intimacy from a woman, to experience emotional connection.” When things get thrown off balance, it can be a circular struggle. I think there’s truth to that. Adam noticed I’d been less physically responsive to him. I’d felt him distant emotionally.

He talked to me about some things, at work. He’s under a lot of pressure. He doesn’t want to take any frustration out on me, so he hasn’t been talking to me as much. I wasn’t hearing from him, through the days, the way I’m used to. He wasn’t really “present”, when he was home. Naturally, I couldn’t feel the connection I needed, to show him physical expressions of love. We were both highly aware that something was “off”.

As we got dressed, last night, after our shower, Adam lifted my chin, so I was looking him in the eyes. He told me he was sorry. I must’ve appeared stone faced, because he looked hurt, and on the verge of frustration. I told him, I couldn’t talk just yet, because I didn’t want to cry. Then, I couldn’t hold back the wave of tears that came pouring out. He pulled me into his arms, and held me. I had one of his t-shirts, in my hand. I was about to put it on, before the flood of tears came. He took it from me, and wiped my face dry. I told him I was going to wear that. He said he’d get me a new one. He brought me another clean t-shirt of his. Then, he put the one he’d just wiped my tears with, on himself. I looked quizzically, at him. He said he needed to own those tears I’d cried, and do better.

I wish I could say we’d made love, last night, but I was on my second day of my period, crampy, and emotional. Instead, I slept with Adam’s arms wrapped around me, all night long. I had told him, I have absolutely no problem with him snooping through my phone, if he wants to. He knows my passcode is “secret”. Yep, spell out secret, that’s my phone’s passcode. I do take issue, if he’s searching for something he’s expecting to find. I never do that to him. I’ve snuck a look at texts he’s sent to friends, out of pure curiosity, but never believed I’d find anything upsetting. Not since we’ve said our marriage vows, anyway. I need him to trust me, the way I trust him. We’re not one another’s possessions. We’re neither disposable, nor can we hang onto each other, if one of us refuses. We have to give ourselves away. When I tell him I’ve given myself over to him, I fucking mean it. And, deep down, I’m sure he knows that.