To Be A Man

I can’t hide myself
I don’t expect you to understand
I just hope I can explain
What it’s like to be a man
It’s a lonely road
And they don’t care ’bout what you know
It’s not ’bout how you feel
But what you provide inside that home

Yeah, I know this life can really beat you down
You wanna scream but you won’t make a sound Got so much weight that you’ve been holdin’
But won’t show any emotion, as a man, that goes unspoken
That we can’t cry when life gets hard
Unconditional love’s for women, children and dogs
We know that we just have to play our parts
And don’t nobody give a damn about our broken hearts
As a man, we gotta pave our way
Our only function is to work and slave
There’s no respect for you if you ain’t paid
You’re disregarded as a human and you can’t complain
And if you ever make it up and actually reach that place
And find a woman that you love and give her your last name
You’ll feel the things that you provide is only why she stays
And when you try to explain, you’ll say

I can’t hide myself
I don’t expect you to understand
I just hope I can explain
What it’s like to be a man
It’s a lonely road
And they don’t care ’bout what you know
It’s not ’bout how you feel
But what you provide inside that home

Don’t give up, keep fightin’
As a man, our son is our horizon
And our fathers’ actions play a role and we end up like him
So they can’t let us see them hurt
‘Cause we’ll embody what they do and start a generational curse
No wonder most men are so depressed
All the things that they can’t express
They go to war, get thrown on the shelf
Then go back to war with their mental health
Then grab that bottle and ask for help
Try to pull themselves out of hell
Then fall back down and then realize
That they gon’ have to do it themselves
It’s the circle of life, as a man, you provide
They don’t know what you’re worth ’til the day that you die
And that’s when they start cryin’
Then move on to a man to confide in
That’s why we feel

We can’t hide ourselves
We don’t expect you to understand
We just hope we can explain
What it’s like to be a man
It’s a lonely road
And you don’t care ’bout what we know
It’s not ’bout how we feel
But what we provide inside that home..

~Dax

Dax released this video, about a month ago. The song really hits me. I see my husband, my father, my brother, and so many other amazing men throughout my life. I’m not a man. I can’t ever fully understand their existence, in the way a man does. I do empathize, though. I do recognize they have unique challenges, and experience life differently than I do.

I haven’t said anything here, until now, but I’ve had my own “weight”, I’ve been carrying for several days. I’m so tired of talking about, and making others worry about, my health. It seems like things have been crashing into me. Like waves on a beach, they just keep coming. I’ve been having some discomfort in my left breast. I found a lump, last week. I kept that to myself, until last Wednesday. Adam and I were in the shower, and he noticed I was spending a lot of time touching my own chest. I asked him, “Do you feel this?” I took his hand, and placed it over the spot I’ve felt the lump in. He pulled away, startled. I could see the concern, on his face. Immediately, I shifted my thinking from myself, to him. I can’t stand to give him additional burdens. I wanted to assure him. I explained, it’s almost certainly nothing to stress about. There’s plenty of explanations for things like this.

Our family doctor referred me to a women’s clinic, last Friday. I was told they’d be contacting me, to make an appointment ASAP. I so wanted to have a fun weekend, with my family and friends. When my daughter and I got home, from our appointments, I couldn’t bring myself to tell Adam the whole truth. Instead, I told him the doctor believed it’s just a cyst, and referred me to this other place “for follow up”. That’s not entirely untrue. He did mention, it could be a cyst. He also had enough concern, to refer me to another clinic. I simply played it down, so as to avoid causing additional stress on anyone else. My aunt passed away, after a battle with breast cancer, just months ago. Adam’s lost his dad, and his best friend, to cancer. That word, and the mere idea of it, scares him to death. So, I just cannot put that weight and worry on him, unless (or until) I absolutely have no other choice. There’s still a very good chance, it’s nothing serious. That is the truth.

I got the phone call, earlier today. I’ve been filling out online paperwork, and waiting to find out when exactly I’ll be going in there. It’s lonely, keeping these things to myself. It feels like I’d be so selfish, if I didn’t, though. How much of my bullshit am I really supposed to “dump” on my husband’s shoulders, before it becomes too much? I never want him to hurt. I can’t stand to see the helpless frustration he feels, when there’s nothing he can do to “fix it”. I love my family so much. I want to always be strong, for them. It’s such an awful feeling, being seen as weak, incapable, or as if I must be treated like fragile glass that might break, if anyone puts any weight onto me. I need my husband and family to treat me the same as they always have. I need to know they see me as capable, and able to be the same “me” I’ve always been. We can play cornhole, paint a room in the house, go for walks, talk, and listen. I don’t want pity. No matter what happens, I never want to be seen as anything less than the person they know and can count on. I can take care of the things I need to. I’ve got this. I’ll be just fine, so long as you’re okay. All of this has got me thinking, is this what Dax was speaking about? Holding things inside, because you feel you’re supposed to be useful. Because your self worth is so tied into the value you provide to those you love.

It’s probably nothing, anyway.