This Sunday is Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day, four years ago, we went over to my mother’s place. I’d made her gluten free brownies, because she (says) she has celiac disease. Although, I very much doubt most of the illnesses she claimed for herself were ever real. She feigned so many health issues, in her attempts to get her hands on pills, and maintain our sympathy. I would excuse her selfish, cruel behaviors, and blame them on all of her health challenges. I can’t forget how hurt I was, that last Mother’s Day I spent, with my mom. She was angry with me. I couldn’t understand why? I thought maybe she was upset that I only brought her the brownies? She stumbled around, barely able to participate in our outdoor picnic lunch. I left there feeling so incredibly hurt and sad. That’s the last time I really saw her. I saw her during her wild, rage fueled trips to bang on my windows and doors. I saw her in court, when I had to petition for a protection order from her. I shouldn’t be feeling a damn thing for her, now. But, for some damn reason, today I am.
I have the most amazing family. I’m surrounded by people who love and care for me. There are no conditions placed on their time, attention, or their affection. They actually want to be with me. I just can’t understand why then, do I continue to notice the same “holes” within myself. Ones I truly believed I’d succeeded in filling up. Yet, somehow, every now and then, a day comes along and my mind digs back up these empty spaces I’ve so tried to replace with all of the beauty and love I do have. I’m frustrated with myself, because I have to stop this shit. I can’t keep allowing my past to hurt me this way. I’m reopening wounds that should’ve been healed over. What the fuck is wrong with me?!
I’m honestly not in a bad mood, today. I’m not sitting here, in a puddle of tears. I’m simply attempting to make these thoughts, haunting my today, go away.
Mikayla, Jackie, and I hung out, this afternoon. Mikayla was out of school early, so we all went out to do some shopping around. Adam seems to be in a real good mood, too. He’s bringing home a pressure washer, so we can clean off my outdoor rug, on our patio. Him and Justin have plans to work on a couple vehicle projects, this weekend. Jackie and Justin invited us over, to play some cards, tonight. So long as Adam’s up for it, I’m totally down to do that! It’s going to be a great weekend, damn it.
Yesterday morning, things got pretty intense, shortly after I published my blog post. The rain was pouring down so hard, you couldn’t even see past the window. We’d gotten close to 3 inches of rain, day before yesterday. By this morning, we’d added another 8 inches to that. So, we got around 11 inches of rain in just TWO DAYS. There are several areas of local flooding. We’re fine, in my neighborhood. Besides all the rain, we were bombarded with absolute non stop tornado warnings, for hours.
We got at least 8 of these, throughout the day. And then, there was this one…BASEBALL SIZED!
When I texted my dad, to check in on him, his smart ass replied with these pictures…
We definitely had some scary moments, but everybody’s okay. Our house and vehicles are all good, too. We spent most of the afternoon, and evening, downstairs in our basement. Our power kept cutting off and on, so I didn’t get to cook supper. We just made sandwiches, with chips and some raw veggies, instead. It was actually kind of fun, hanging out downstairs, playing games with my kids, though.
I got annoyed with Adam, when everything first began to kick off. He wouldn’t listen to me, and go get to somewhere safe, during the first tornado warning… Why are men like this?!
🤦♀️
It’s cloudy, still humid and wet, but not raining, today. We’re still experiencing some flooding, and remain in our flood warning, until late afternoon. I don’t have the littles, today OR tomorrow. My kids’ schools had a 2 hour late start, this morning. So, I even got to sleep in! I’m going to spend today catching up on some housework. I really need to clean and organize our basement.
That’s about all I have, for today. I’ve done a much better job, posting everyday, but there’s not always a whole lot to write about. Still, I know I enjoy being able to look back to what we were up to, weeks, months, and years from now. Time’s such a funny thing. I spent my childhood, so ready to grow up. Now, I wish it were possible to go back in time, sometimes. Or, to at least slow down my todays.
And, I just opened my big mouth, a few days ago, when I said I think we should be in the clear for a few months. We don’t usually get the tornado threats, once our weather turns hot. I guess I should not have decided to announce that, because nature is dying to prove me wrong, now.
It rained, yesterday morning. I had hung out bedding out to dry, and had to hurry and bring it back inside, when the sky decided to let loose. Then, the clouds cleared, and the sun came back out. It was very warm, and sticky, yesterday afternoon and evening.
Jackie came over, last night, and we hung out awhile. Adam got home, about 8:00pm. I kept supper warm, so I could eat with him. He helped me bring all of my potted plants inside, and we parked my car in the garage, in case we did get hail here. It stormed all through the night. We did get some small hail, during the night. This morning, it’s absolutely pouring rain, still. It looks like the next several hours will bring a whole lot more rain, too. It’s supposed to rain, non stop, all day and through most of tonight. The tornado threats are a bigger worry, for late tonight. This afternoon, it’s the flood advisory we’re in.
The littles will be here, soon. I really hope we don’t get any severe weather, while they’re here, and Adam and my babies aren’t home. Thank gosh, Mikayla isn’t scheduled to work, this evening. I should have all my people at home, where I can be sure they’re safe and sound. They cancelled school, at several surrounding schools, for today. Our kids’ schools were open today, though.
Hopefully, it isn’t one of those long, drawn out, “wish I’d have just stayed in bed” kind of days!
A lot of folks think if you got a few dollars you got it made They think that’s all there is They don’t see everything that happened before that They just see you right now, there’s more to it, a lot more…
They say a rich man, he aint got no problems He’s got all he’s wanted, never has to borrow but he’ll never see tomorrow If everydays the same he works so much he never leaves his office most days They say a poor man, he’s got all the problems Everything is borrowed and he’s gotta work tommorow But you’ll never see the sorrow or tears upon his face He’s always got a family and a dream he’ll always chase They say a rich man, a poor man, together they are one in the same We got one full life and we better go live it like we’re livin like we’re dying today
I guess they gotta divide us so we get conquered and fall But we could stand among each other and not bicker at all Imagine that, imagine life without a system that’s against us Designed to make us hate each other more than the resistance They mask up and they ask if we’ve finally had enough We stand up to fight back and they turn the pressure up An attack on independence if you choose to press your luck So don’t be wise, believe the lies and you can have another cup I’m askin why’s there’s upper class and lower class and middle And why’s a credit score the answer to the social riddle See rich or poor it aint no more different for the sides We’re all inside this hamster wheel just fightin to survive See I wake up the same as you and you the same as I So why’s all this fightin for position in the line We’ll finish all the same when the shovel hits the dirt Cuz one thing God will never ask is what the fuck’s your net worth…
~Overtime & Demun Jones
Adam and I’ve been through it all. When we were first married, we had to count every single cent we made and spent. One day, Adam came home, and told me he put in his two weeks notice, at his job. He had decided to start his own business. To say I was terrified, would be the understatement of the century. I can’t pretend I was a shining example of a supportive wife, in those first days. Adam would listen to my fears and worries, but it didn’t slow him down. He had made a choice, and he intended to make it work. Well, he did. He was very successful. Within 6 years, he sold his company, and moved onto a new one. We did have a few tight years, immediately after he moved on, but things have been on the upswing again, in recent years. One thing that’s remained very consistent, is Adam’s work ethic. The man refuses to ever turn down any opportunity to make money. I wouldn’t be where I’m at now, if it weren’t for his hard work. I absolutely recognize that. Still, I miss him, when his work commitments grow beyond those that I’d prefer them to. I guess I’m selfish, for wishing for only the best parts of success. Along with every accomplishment, sacrifices have to be made. I know Adam loves his family. I never doubt that, one bit. Things will slow down again. I just have to be patient. I’ve worked hard to be a supportive wife to him. It isn’t fair, for me to complain to him about how hard he’s working toward things, for us. So, I do my best. I really try to, anyhow.
Last night, I sent Adam the post I’d written. He didn’t say anything, about it. He got home, just before 9:00pm. We took a shower, and I asked him if he’d read what I’d sent him? He told me, “Of course I did. I’m your biggest fan, baby.” He made love to me, and held me in his arms all through the night. I felt him kiss my forehead, when he got out of bed, at 5:00am, this morning. I’ve got a great husband, who gives me a beautiful life. I suppose that’s why I crave his time and attention, so much. ❤️
Last night, it poured rain, most of the night. I got woken up, to a very loud thunder clap, early this morning. The whole house shook! Then, today, we’ve gone back and forth, between rain and sunshine. Which means, it’s humid.
After the littles left, I ran a few errands. I got some laundry folded and put away. I’m making chicken quesadillas, tonight, for supper.
Adam’s been dealing with a lot of shit, at work. I know it’s selfish of me, but I’m feeling neglected. I want his attention. I’ve even considered finding ways to piss him off, just to see if he’d notice. Nothing crazy. Just stuff like being short with him, rolling my eyes, or any similar version of blatant aggravation towards him. I miss him. I was sick, and then I’d injured my head. Now that I’m feeling good, he’s unavailable…and it sucks.
You’re beautiful Every little piece, love don’t you know? You’re really gonna be someone Ask anyone And when you find everything you’ve looked for I hope your love leads you back to my door Oh, but if it don’t, stay beautiful
~Taylor Swift
This afternoon has been a very typical lazy Sunday type of one. Adam and Wyatt cut the grass, weed eated, and then used our leaf blower to clear off the driveway and sidewalks. Our yard looks nice. I’m sitting downstairs, with Diesel, just hanging out.
Mj slept down here, last night, instead of in her room. So, I had to remake the bed. She likes to hang out down here, too. It’s not super hot, out. Only low 80’s, but it’s humid. Our AC has been running a lot. It’s cooler in the basement, though, so I opened the door, to let in some fresh air. I love to listen to the birds singing. In the evenings, the bullfrogs croak like crazy. I hear crickets, too. The lightning bugs have returned, also. All the sights, sounds, and smells of Summer make me so happy! I can feel my own mood shifting, as Summer’s arriving. I sort of bitch and moan when I get into my car, and it’s so hot my legs stick to the leather seats. Truly, though, I love everything about Summertime. Being able to walk outside barefoot. Not requiring a robe when I wake up each morning, to help me keep warm. The birds, the crickets, bullfrogs, and lightning bugs. Spending time out by the pool. Wearing cute little sundresses. This is my most favorite time of the year, hands down! Severe weather isn’t nearly as big a threat, during the Summer months, either. We get enough rain to sustain the grass, but tornadoes and scary storms just aren’t the kind of worry they become during Fall and early Spring.
I’ve got a big honey ham, I’m planning to cook for our supper. I’m also making macaroni and cheese, along with some chopped red potatoes, seasoned in garlic, onion, and butter.
My head feels nearly 100% better, now. No headaches, or weird symptoms. I’m feeling great. Just enjoying a day of lounging around, taking in all the beauty around me.
Last night, after Adam and I went to bed, I told him about how Mikayla had worried about who would look after her flowers when she’s gone. It had hit me like a ton of bricks. I just hadn’t even realized that this was the last time she would be coming flower shopping with us. It’s the last time she’s decorating her bedroom with flowers, here. I thought about how she calls me, every time she’s leaving work, to ask me hey mama, do you need anything? And, if I do, she grabs it from the nearby grocery store. I sort of had a meltdown, last night. I sobbed into Adam’s shoulder, as he hugged me. All these things that have been such a normal and expected part of my life, are about to change. It’s the simplest of stuff, too. The little things, like flower shopping. It all seems to be happening in fast forward, now. I’m helpless to slow these changes down. Even if I could, I know I wouldn’t. I’m proud and excited for my baby. Watching her grow into this amazingly talented and gorgeous woman, is such a source of joy for me. Still, I don’t understand how anyone can ever feel “ready” to let their children go out into the world. I wonder, is it just me? Am I an overprotective maniac? I absolutely cannot stop the flow of tears that form, every time I think about how little time I have left with her, at home. So soon, she’s going to be making her own life, in her own home. Her boyfriend just purchased promise rings, for the two of them. She’s not my child anymore. I’m really struggling to allow these changes to penetrate into my own reality. It’s as if a part of me is in complete denial. Most of me recognizes these changes. All of me is proud as hell of her. I just can’t quite get myself to accept that my baby is about to leave this “nest”. The place I’ve worked so hard to keep my babies safe and secure in. I know I have to let her go. I even acknowledge how ready she is, for this. I’m going to miss her, and these wonderful days I’ve gotten to spend knowing she would always be here. Going upstairs every night, to hug her and tell her I love her. Laying awake, until I hear her come in the door, so I can fall asleep knowing she’s safe at home. There truly is no love like that of being a parent. My heart belongs to my babies. My husband, too, of course. My babies are like a huge piece of ME, though. It’s as if I’m saying goodbye to my right arm. Something I count on everyday. I’ll have to learn how to live without a great big part of what I’ve considered as my own. She’s not just “mine”, now. She belongs to herself. She gets to share herself with who she chooses to. Of course, I know she will always love her mama. I don’t get to keep her to myself, anymore, though. I can’t build a protective bubble, to keep her happy and safe, now. She’s going to go out and experience the world, for herself. I know all too well how cruel it can be, and I suppose that’s part of what I fear. I admire her pure and sweet and generous and kind soul. I can’t stand the thought of anyone ever taking advantage of my girl. I’m going to have to trust that I’ve done enough. Enough to help to guide her on a path that keeps her safe and strong. Deep down, I know how incredibly capable she is. She’s my shining star. One of my most prized accomplishments. I celebrate all her successes, more than I would my very own. I also hurt more, when she’s been harmed, than if it had been myself. I feel all of it, more powerfully than any joy or sorrow I’ve experienced by myself. I so wish I could continue to shield her from the things I so fear. I have to trust that I’ve helped her to build her own defenses against the evil out there, now. Being my children’s mama has been my life’s pride and joy. It’s all I ever can remember wanting, since I was a child myself. My little Mikayla, is grown up. The baby who was born 5 weeks too early, but strong as hell. The baby I used to call a “muppet”, because the long dark hair she was born with would stand straight up. God, was she cute. Now, she’s a beautiful woman. I look at her and can’t help but think to myself, I made that, and swell with more pride than I knew was possible.
This is my Sunday. Enjoying this perfect day, while also desperately trying to avoid noticing the looming cloud that seems to hang over everything. I tell myself, this is not a punishment! This is a reward! Mikayla has grown into a most beautifully amazing “fruit” of all the labor I’ve put in. And, that’s absolutely true. I know this, but I can’t help but feel some sorrow about knowing I will no longer be needed in the ways I have been, for 18 incredible years.
This morning, Adam went into work for awhile. I slept in. I didn’t get up, until almost 8:00am. I took my time getting out of bed, today. My head feels way better! I don’t even really have a headache, now. After Adam got home, we both took a shower. I put on one of my cute sundresses, and got myself ready. Adam had promised to take me flower shopping, today. Mikayla asked to come with us, so she tagged along. I actually had a lot of fun, picking out flowers with Mikayla and Adam. After we got home, and began to pot our new plants, Mikayla wanted to show me what she’d done in her room. Then, she asked me a question I wasn’t prepared for. She asked me, What will happen to my flowers when I go to college? Who’s going to take care of them? My heart damn near skipped a beat, hearing her say those words out loud, because I hadn’t even considered it. I assured her, someone would look after her plants. It is a very very difficult thing, pondering over the day when my sweet Mikayla isn’t at home. I love her so much! I just can’t imagine life without having her near.
I got flowers to put in all of my outdoor planters. It was so much fun, picking things out! It looks so pretty, around our house, now!
Justin and Adam changed out the brakes, on Mikayla’s car, this afternoon. Well, Mikayla’s boyfriend helped, too.
I made sloppy joes/sloppy nachos, for supper. Justin and Jackie sat out on our deck, with us, and we all talked and laughed for awhile. They just left. We’re all planning to go to church, tomorrow morning. The kids are playing the Nintendo switch, in our living room. Adam and I are just observing the sweet chaos. Not exactly one of our wild, shenanigan filled, kind of Saturdays. A fun one, anyhow, though. I’m feeling tired already. I’m not sure if it’s maybe the result of the bump on my head? I’ve just felt extra sleepy, extra early, the last few days. I miss Adam. He hasn’t been too cuddly, because he’s afraid to bonk my head, in his sleep. I want him next to me. I want his arms around me. I want him inside of me. I seriously miss my husband, despite him being so near me. Happy Saturday, y’all. I intend to spend mine making a very “happy ending” of my own. 😉
I didn’t mention it, earlier. I wasn’t sure if I should even write about this, because I can’t stand for anyone to ever read my writing and believe my husband is some kind of bully. The other night, after we got out of our shower, I had sort of flipped off Adam. It wasn’t that serious, and he wasn’t even upset. We were mostly just playing around. He sat on the edge of our bathtub, and pulled me over his lap. As he did that, I swung my head up. My head hit the corner of the little half wall that sticks out from beside our bathtub. I hit it hard. Adam pulled me up, into his arms, and kissed the top of my head. Neither of us realized just how much damage I’d just done to myself. I got ready for bed, and felt sooo sleepy. When we laid in bed, I didn’t mean for it to happen at all, but tears just started quietly flowing from my eyes. As they landed on Adam’s chest, he quickly realized I was crying. My head just kept hurting worse and worse, as I laid there. He went and got me an ice pack, and held it in place for me, until I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later, and my head felt like it could explode. Such a feeling of pressure and pain! In the morning, I talked to Adam’s mom. She’s a nurse, so I asked her if I should be worried. She asked me lots of questions. I wouldn’t call it “dizzy”, but it sort of felt like my body was swaying as I stood. I was nauseas, and the right side of my face, around my eye, felt numb. I couldn’t feel myself move my eyebrow up and down, on my right side. Then, my right eye kept twitching uncontrollably. I’ve never experienced anything like that! It turns out, I have a concussion. Instead of my head bruising and swelling outward, it’s gone inward. The swelling is pressing up against a nerve somewhere inside my head, which caused all the symptoms I was having. Unfortunately, there isn’t much that can be done, except for ice, Tylenol, and rest. Rest isn’t exactly easy to come by, with little ones under foot. Yesterday was rough, but today’s been much better! I only have sort of a dull headache in just the front right side of my head now.
Adam has been very grumpy, with himself. He’s been super sweet to me, but he’s a grouch at work. I know this, because I was on the phone with him, yesterday, and he yelled to someone “they can wait two fuckin’ minutes! I’m busy!” Then he starts talking to me and says, “I’m sorry, baby.” So, it sounds like all the guys who had to report to him yesterday, got a very “prickly” Adam. He’s never once talked to me or our kids like that, but I have occasionally observed the way he’s spoken to people at work, when they piss him off. It’s one of the many reasons I’m keenly aware of just how gentle and patient he actually is, with his family.
Anyhow, it was a complete accident. He never in a million years would hurt me. I am not even a tiny bit afraid of my husband. I just decided to go ahead and mention this, here, because I like to be honest about my life. Even the crap. So, here y’all go.
We were here blowin’ out birthday cakes Ridin’ our bikes, jumpin’ in lakes Feelin’ butterflies on our first dates And stealin’ our old man’s beer We were here back home in the home of the brave But the brave ain’t home, they’re an ocean away Doin’ their job and keepin’ us safe While we were here
We were here sayin’ the Pledge of Allegiance Repeatin’ those words, not knowin’ their meanin’ Takin’ for granted all our freedoms In the land of the free We were here bitchin’ bout minimum wage Splittin’ ourselves into red and blue states And still sat down, hot food on the plate Yeah, while we were here
They were there Givin’ everything they got They were there Some came home in a pinewood box With those stars and stripes on top
They were there, fightin’ back on the front lines Strappin’ up their boots before the sunrise Keepin’ their mamas up all night in fear They were there in the name of a hometown Of a last name that was passed down Every day, every night, every moment we were here They were there They were there…
~Granger Smith
I really need to update on my brother, here. He was told he would be deploying, and given just a couple days notice. He was sent to Virginia, for the typical pre deployment training and requirements. At the very last hour, he was spared. For whatever reason, they wound up finding enough National Guard members to deploy, instead. Someone took his place. So, somewhere in the world, there’s a young man in the very spot intended for my brother. I pray for them. As of right now, my brother is back at his base, in Coronado California, resuming his teaching job. I’m so grateful, but also my heart does ache for the family of whoever it was that took his place, instead of him. I can’t say enough how much I wish I could share just how much my brother has done for our country. I wouldn’t dare jeopardize his military career, by doing that, though. Despite his own reservations, about being sent out again, even he carries guilt for whomever it is that took his spot. I have so much admiration and pride, for my brother. He’s an incredibly good man. As much as I insist to him, he’s made more than enough sacrifices, he’s never satisfied that he’s done as much as he could. He hates to see another young person have to go out and do the things he has been asked to do.
As far as my average, ordinary world, it’s a typical Friday. The littles were pretty cute, today. I sent my sister several texts, this morning.
He makes me miss my own little boy, playing with his toy trucks
I’ve got the littles napping, now.
Well, he’s not sleeping. He’s watching some Paw Patrol
Jackie is coming over, in awhile. She’s going to help me finish the graduation invites, for Mikayla. Beyond that, I have no clue what we’ll be up to later. I guess it’s just a mystery. We’ll see?
Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?
“Those who matter don’t mind. And, those who mind don’t matter.
Chronicles in Submission 