In My Head

Woke up shakin’ and I’m sweating

Heart racing in the dark

PTSD hitting harder

Than a goddamn buckshot spark

 

Guns in the damn closet

Ghosts in the fucking hall

Some nights I swear 

I hear the damn devil call

Every sunrise 

Feels like a second chance

Every sunset 

Drags me back into that trance

I’m tired of running

Tired of falling apart

Trying to stitch up the holes

In this busted ass heart

My kids deserve better 

Than a half dead [woman]

So I’m fighting everyday

Just to stick to the goddamn plan 

I ain’t fuckin’ perfect

Never claimed I was clean

But I’m clawing my way out

Of everything I damn seen

If I die tonight 

Let ‘em say I tried

A broken [woman]

Still swinging on the North side

It’s a fucked up world

Here inside my head 

Where the nightmares live

And the angels fled 

Where the whiskey talks

And the pain ain’t dead

Where I’m begging God

Don’t give up yet 

I’m walking that line 

Between hell and hope

Trying to climb

Out on this same ass fucking rope

Every damn day 

I’m losing and winning 

But at least I’m still in it

At least I’m still living

Some nights I break

Some nights I bend 

Some nights I swear

The shit won’t end 

But I keep on fighting 

With bloodshot eyes

‘Cause a [woman] ain’t done

Until the day [she] fuckin’ dies

I been fighting like hell 

With the shit in my head

Demons in the mirror

Try to drag me to their death

Got a Bible on the dash

Got a bottle by the bed

Trying to walk with God

But the devil’s in my fuckin’ head

~Jeremy Bentley

This song was only released, earlier this year. It immediately made it onto my “frequently played” playlist. I’ve got every word memorized. It speaks to me. It describes, in this edgy and authentic way, just what I’ve felt. Still feel, on hard days. Some lines touch on the anger and frustration. Some lines remind me exactly why I keep going. The promises I’ve made, to myself and to my family. His words reflect back to me my own determination. My faith. This story of suffering and pain doesn’t only belong to a few. So many people are fighting their own demons, everyday, and begging not to be given up on. We shouldn’t weigh our struggles against those of others, but it’s important to remember you’re not alone. Just because we don’t necessarily see it, in the faces of those around us, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. You never know the battles being fought, inside the minds of strangers. Like another good song says, everybody hurts.

Something I’ve recently learned, is that a bad day isn’t failure. It’s okay to not always be okay. That doesn’t mean the good, in between a bad day, wasn’t real. It doesn’t undo all the progress I’ve made. I have to be mindful, not to let hurt or fears hold me inside tough moments, or hard days. I have to acknowledge what I’m feeling, otherwise it’s going to haunt me. They have already tormented me, many times. I’m not sure I’ll ever be truly rid of them, altogether. They didn’t win, yesterday. They won’t win, tomorrow. If today, it seems like they’re winning, I lean on God. I look at the people I love, and I allow their love for me to penetrate through my darkest thoughts. That’s how I have, do, and will always, find strength and light that guide me. I don’t need to be perfect, to stay wanted. I’m allowed to screw up. I’m entitled to a good cry, once in awhile. When Adam holds me, I know I’m safe. When I embrace my children, I know they feel safe. I am wanted, and I’m needed. I am given so many beautiful moments. I’m capable of creating and participating in more wonderful memories. I’m damaged. I’m flawed. I’m not irreparably broken, though. I’ve accepted, I won’t ever be “fixed”, or brought back to the way I used to be. I can still be useful, though. God has a plan for me. He’s perfectly capable of turning my weaknesses into strengths. Of providing opportunities, where I can offer my talent and time to do great things. I’m being prepared for something, always. Even when I don’t yet know when, how, or why, He does. I’m sure that, in time, answers and solutions will be provided. Many, many times, a way has been made for me. I’m choosing to trust what I can’t prove, but absolutely know is real. I’ll never outrun the past. It will follow into my future, but it can’t take it, unless I give it away. So on those days, when I hear the whispers from Satan tell me all the reasons I should give up, I remind myself of both who fights for me, and what we’re fighting for. Rather than focus on what and where I’ve been, I should instead concentrate on where I’m going. This is my true North. The gravity that pulls me back down to earth, when I’m losing my way. A bad day isn’t final. Neither is a good day, an end to all my bad ones. It’s one moment. One day. Endings are also beginnings. That’s inevitable. That’s life. Cling to goodness, even and especially in the darkness. Because, just as the sun sets, it rises again.

When I say, I’m doing much better, this is what I mean. Not that there aren’t bad days, but that they can’t scare me, like they used to. This restores my confidence, and more and more, there are glimmers that suggest my spark’s being reignited. Less images capture the despair I tried hiding behind a smile, because it’s being slowly replaced with hope. The voices of pity and doom aren’t able to shout at me. Occasionally, I can hear them, but I’m not intimidated. Not even on the bad days. Not anymore. I’m able to turn and face my demons, and it strips them of the power they’d held over me. I hear you. I see you. Now, shut up. I’m busy with things that matter.