I ALMOST Got Away With It

Thursday evening, Adam text me that he was dropping something our friend needed off at his house and then would be heading home. An hour later, I text him and asked if he was heading home yet? Nothing. I sent 2 more texts with no response and finally called his phone. It went to voicemail. I called Biscuit and he answered. I asked him if Adam had been there yet? Adam got on the phone and teased me by saying “no”, but I recognized his voice and I told him “you bastard!” About five minutes passed and my phone started to ring. It was Adam, calling from his phone. I hit the ignore button. He text me that wasn’t nice. I waited exactly twenty minutes before I replied. We had a bit of back and forth.

I guess Biscuit got to talking and Adam had left his phone in his truck. Still!!! If I’d done that exact same thing to him, he would be upset with me. Truth be told, I was upset. I wasn’t so angry that I had lost complete control of my temper or anything, though. I decided I was going to “push it” a little bit. Just to see. He knew he’d done screwed up. How far can I take this, I wondered?

When Adam finally came in the door, it was after 7:00pm. The kids and I had already finished supper. I left it out for him and he fixed himself a plate. I could tell he was feeling guilty. He didn’t walk in with that typical confidence he carries when he knows he’s right. I walked over to him and put my hands on my hips while I lectured him about making me worry that something had happened. Ever since that day his phone got smashed, I’ve had a panic rise up inside of me when I know he should be able to respond. I expected him home long before he made it in. I wouldn’t have been upset had he just brought his phone with him, answered me, and explained that Biscuit was asking for his help fixing a car he’s working on. Adam admitted that he should’ve watched the time and known I’d be starting to worry. He admitted he should’ve had his phone on him and let me know. Then, he lectured me for ignoring him and for refusing to say I love you back to him. He went into our bedroom and came back out carrying the belt in his hand. The kids were outside playing. Jackie wasn’t home. It was just us in the living room. I argued that wasn’t fair! He handed it to me and told me to “give it my best shot” and then it was his turn. I swung and smacked him across his butt as hard as I could. I get no satisfaction, though. He never even winces. He took the belt from me and gave me a couple smacks across my bottom. It was lighthearted.

A little later, we were getting ready to get in the shower, and Jackie had text me. I opened my phone. Adam saw where I’d text her earlier “he’s still in suck up mode. Not sure how long I should play this out lol”. Adam wasn’t very happy about that. He felt like I was just being a brat and, as he put it, trying to break the ground he stands on and feeling like, for the most part, I succeeded. He brought his belt back out from our closet and gave me a couple of hard smacks across my bare behind. I woke up this morning with a bruise across my behind and upper thigh that matches the width of that belt. It isn’t a terrible bad bruise. But it’s obvious where it came from! Now, I have to sit in the car for 8-9 hours while we drive to his mom’s house for the weekend…

Pebbles & Boulders

Yesterday afternoon and evening’s conversation with Adam…

Then, this morning’s conversation.

And, part of my talk with Jackie yesterday before Adam got home.

I really really took time to think about why it’s so hard for me to just tell Adam shit sometimes. Especially knowing he will never be angry or mean to me when I’m just up front. It’s probably a control thing, to be honest. I’m fighting for it, whether I truly want that power or not. I’m still convinced that he will let shit slide the way he used to (at least the last few years). He’s been much more “strict” than he was ever before, too. We talked last night and he never wants to abuse his authority, but he also says he’s not going to back down when he knows it’s time to stand up. Which, I mean, I get that. There are fragments of time, for me, where I just don’t feel like going along with Adam’s instructions. Not because I think he’s wrong, mostly just because I guess I’m that stubborn? I don’t quite know. This morning, something came up that I wasn’t excited to tell him about. Nothing that was my doing, just life crap I didn’t want to dump on him. I did tell him right away, though. I told him I feel like I don’t want to keep handing him these “pebbles”, because even small ones start to get heavy. He told me that he can handle all the shit I give to him just fine, but he’d much rather I hand him pebbles than stand here waiting til I’m throwing a boulder at him. Ok…makes sense. I don’t like to weigh him down with stuff that I think I can handle myself. He tells me that’s his job. I suppose this is my personal struggle to get right with. Well, with Adam’s help, anyway.

Freedom Rings on Saturday!

I pray that my greatest achievement in life is to have given my babies a childhood that they don’t ever have to recover from. I know that they’ve already seen things that hurt them. I understand I can’t shelter them from all of the pain life throws at everyone. I just hope to God that, when they look back, I am remembered as their safe place. That home is always a place they can go to for comfort and love.

I shared yesterday’s blog post with Adam last night. He has witnessed much of it, but I’d never really talked much about that part of my childhood. Just a couple of years ago, he was the one calling 911 while I hid upstairs with our kids because my mother was trying to break a window to get inside our house. He’s seen plenty. I know this is why I didn’t write much here for long periods of time. Not only because I wasn’t in a place where I could write about my life. Also because Adam was so busy trying to protect me and do everything he could to help me get through it, he wasn’t holding me accountable very often. I believe it hurts him almost as much as it hurt me because he can’t make it all better. We moved, which helped a ton. My mother has no idea where we live now. It’s only been recently that Adam has begun to hold me more accountable for things. This, I’m sure, is why I push him lately. We have sort of started over after a long “break”. When Adam called me into our bedroom a few days ago, Jackie had taken the kids downstairs. She told me our son was saying “oh, they’re having one of their talks” and made another comment about how Adam was using his dad voice, so he knew mama was in trouble and he felt sorry for me. I thought it was cute. He’s been on the receiving end of plenty of Adam’s “talks” when he’s in trouble as well. It doesn’t bother me if the kids understand that their dad is in charge of everyone, even mama. I used to worry that they might respect me less if they knew Adam could call me into our bedroom and use the “dad voice” on me too. They clearly know that he does, though, and they’re still plenty afraid of their mama!

I have ONE more day until I’m no longer being scrutinized for every single purchase I make!! Adam told me I can go shopping with Jackie on Saturday. Yesterday was her birthday. We already have plans for the places we’re going this weekend. Hobby Lobby, for sure. We’re also going to hit up a few thrift shops so we can hunt for treasures that we can repurpose into beautiful things again. I can’t wait!!!

What’s in it for Me?

I have probably discussed this in some form already here, but I’ve been thinking about the things that Adam has brought into our marriage and how I now feel I couldn’t possibly live happily without them.

Just what do I get out of my relationship with my take charge, alpha husband? So, so much. The trust we’ve built didn’t happen overnight, but it has developed so beautifully into this deep and solid security knowing that Adam is never going to leave me stranded, alone, or afraid. I can be confident that, no matter what mess I find myself in, I won’t be stuck there by myself. There is also such a relief that comes from the well deserved spankings that I can count on. The guilt, the sadness, the remorse, the frustrations, it sort of readjusts my attitude in a way that makes me feel certain that Adam will be helping to right my wrongs. I feel confident that everything will be ok. I can let go of anger and hurt I’ve put out there. There is a tremendous relief that comes from all of these assurances. Life can get hard. Sometimes, it feels like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. For me, though, I never have to carry a burden by myself. In fact, most often, Adam completely removes from my shoulders all of the weight I carried. Im not a naturally “submissive” person. It took time for me to have this confidence I do now. I used to refuse to give over any of my problems or worries for fear that they wouldn’t be handled right, or would be made worse somehow. It takes a hefty heap of trust to take the passenger seat and allow your partner to figure out where you’re going, and how you’re going to get there. None of this means that I’m never in the “driver’s seat” for myself. Of course I’m capable, willing, and happy to tackle many things on my own. It’s the big stuff I’m talking about. The stuff that keeps you up at night worrying. The stuff that makes your stomach tie in knots. There is such a beautiful thing that happened for me when I finally allowed myself to give Adam these worries. The better I got at sharing my problems, the better he got at helping to solve them. I truly believe it takes real strength to follow your partner, especially in the beginning. The uncertainty about whether and how he’ll go about leading. Questioning every move he makes for awhile. It’s amazing what happens when you finally just step back and have a little faith in him ❤️

Self Discipline

Apparently, my recent trips across Adam’s lap have revived my ability to self censor my words and choices beautifully. Twice over the last week, I’ve felt that burning desire to say something disrespectful because I was frustrated and didn’t agree with his opinion on the matter. Twice, I have crept up toward crossing the line, and twice, I stopped myself before I got there.

Last night, I passionately disagreed with something. I’m vehemently against sharing personal information with anyone without a darned good reason. By “personal information”, I mean things as simple as giving PetCo my phone number. But, I also am talking about allowing any company to access my medical or financial records, etc. Our health insurance company suddenly required a crazy ridiculous amount of crap to verify our eligibility for Blue Cross. We’ve never had to provide such documents before now, and we’ve always had health coverage. They wanted our birth certificates, our children’s birth certificates, our marriage license…which I was already reluctant about until I heard good reasons for these things. Those documents prove that we are married and our children are ours. I guess I get that, but it’s strange all of the sudden to require things we’ve never been asked for before. It isn’t just us, either. Adam’s entire company asked this of every employee. After providing all of that, they then wanted a copy of our TAX RETURN. Why, pray tell? Well, according to the first representative I spoke to, it is required to show that Adam is not insuring his sister or a relative masquerading as his wife. Ok, but…. they have our marriage license. And they have our birth certificates. Our parents are not the same people. They have our kid’s birth certificates, proving their father and mother are, indeed, Adam and I. I argued these points and they then said it was to verify Adam and I live at the same address. I said, mail me a letter and I’ll mail it back to ya then! Besides all that, we’re clearly married, what difference does it truly make whether we live at the same address as each other? Which, of course, we do. It’s the principle of it all that grinds my gears so badly. They were willing to accept a joint bank statement with our names, address, and the date printed on it. I took the time to edit our statement to block access to our account number, our credits and debits, and our balance because it’s frankly, none of their damn business. Adam was perfectly willing all along to fax our health insurance providers all of the information they asked for, but I clearly wasn’t. This is where I get to report on how well I handled my disagreement, despite having such a guttural reaction to being violated so personally, for reasons that make no sense to me. I did not raise my voice. I did not curse as I explained my position on the matter. I calmly, but very seriously, laid out my reasoning and opinions. This was when Adam finally picked up the phone and called them. This is how we finally resolved the issue by turning over a bank statement with personal information blocked out, rather than our freakin’ income tax return.

I’m sure this will seem petty to some folks. I know I’m a little overboard at protecting my privacy. I won’t allow anything to be handed over without definite and clear reasons to do so. That’s just who I am. I guess I have some trust issues with the world, but can you blame me? Look at how many people are devastated because of leaked personal information! Surely, I’m not completely alone in feeling the way I do. Either way, this was our most recent disagreement, and I think I handled myself well. After we’d finished dealing with Blue Cross, Adam pulled me into his arms. For a brief moment, I was afraid he was about to give my behind some attention. Instead, he hugged me and told me he was proud of me and thanked me for not losing my cool. He might not agree with the extent at which I protect myself from prying eyes, but he understood that this was something I feel strongly about and is important to keeping me feeling safe. We worked it out. Although, I’m still super annoyed about the supposed reasoning for the request from Blue Cross, I’m fully content with my husband and we managed to stay on the same team through it all. ❤️

Danger ⚠️

When we talk about the 4 Ds (disobedience, disrespect, disobedience, and danger), I almost never do anything in the “dangerous” category. I’m pretty responsible and love my family way too much to do anything that puts them at risk in some way. I need to be a good example to my children, too. I wear my seatbelt always. I never text and drive. I don’t always go exactly the speed limit, but never had a speeding ticket and always go along with the flow of traffic at about 5-10 miles over the limit. Danger is just not normally something that gets me into trouble. Except yesterday. Curiosity got me, I did something stupid, and I knew better.

There’s one guy in our neighborhood who hangs with some shady characters. One of which, has been in a lot of trouble lately for things like stalking, domestic abuse, harassment, threats, and then last weekend, he ended up having the police and an ambulance take him out of the yard due to suicidal/homocidal threats. We were out back at our house and witnessed all of this, and spoke to our neighbor after the they had left so we learned all the details. Well, after he returned, both our neighbor and Mr dangerous walked across the back yards into ours and Adam kicked Mr dangerous off our property. Told him he needs help. Go get help. But stay away from his family.

This brings us to yesterday’s incident. The day before yesterday, we were informed that Mr danger had been to court and then put in jail. When I saw him over at neighbor’s just the very next day, I was curious. I walked over and made some small talk because I wanted to hear Mr dangerous side of things. Everything I’d heard was second and third person. How did he get out of jail? Why was he actually even sent to jail? It was stupid. I don’t know why I cared. I was out in my back yard with our puppy and saw Mr danger and our neighbor and, at the time, it seemed like a good idea to go chat them up. By now, y’all can probably see where this is going…

I was only gone for about 45 minutes, and Adam doesn’t usually get home from work until later. Yesterday, of course, he happened to be home early. I walked in the back door and bumped right into him. He asked me where I was. I told him, over at the neighbor’s house. He asked who was there. I knew he knew the answer to that question, and it was only then that I stopped to realize I had gone so far over the line. Adam made it clear he doesn’t want this guy around his family. I didn’t respect that. I disobeyed. I disrespected. And I was crossing the line right into dangerous. I typically get defensive when these things happen, even when I know I’m not going to win. I tried to downplay the situation. It didn’t work. Then, I tried admitting it was wrong and apologizing. It didn’t prevent me from being punished, though. I can go for months without getting spanked for punishment. I have somehow managed to find myself bent over my husband’s knees, crying and begging, twice in just the last week or so. This was also the first time he’s ever used his belt on me during a serious spanking. That sucker HURTS like HELL! I screwed up. It wasn’t undeserved. But, my gosh I’m fixing to be on my very best behavior for at least awhile because I don’t want that belt ever again.

Who Wears Them Best?

I’m a confident, sassy, highly intelligent woman. I’ve been blessed with good looks and great hair. I’m witty as hell, decently athletic, and hard working. I could “wear the pants” in my home, and there are times when I have put those suckers on and taken over for awhile. The Bible says that part of Eve’s curse is the desire to rule over Adam and that is passed down to all women for all time. It’s a strange dichotomy I’ve got going on here. Part of me wanting to be in charge because it requires a whole lot of trust to let my husband lead. Part of me wanting to be in charge because I know I’m smart and capable too. Then, a larger part of me deeply desires to have, feel, and see my husband lead. It is hot to see him stand up for what he believes, even when that means standing up to me. It is comforting knowing that he’s here to correct me when I’m going in the wrong direction. I have a love/hate relationship with boundaries set before me. “The curse” has me wanting to break every rule, to cross every forbidden bridge. My heart appreciates those rules and understands why they’re there for me. I appreciate the dedication Adam has for keeping me safe and happy. I know that he’s always looking out for me. This isn’t a game we play when we’re both in the mood. Sometimes, I don’t feel like obeying. Sometimes, Adam probably doesn’t feel like leading. On occasion, we shirk those responsibilities we’ve promised each other. I refuse to go where Adam wants me to, or Adam refuses to decide which way to go. Those things happen. We’re flawed humans, after all.

Having said all of that, there is a way to get back on track, and it works like a charm! Ready for it??

Look for my next blog post and I’ll share our secret 😉

Dominated

It’s such a cruel irony how often the very thing I need is what I’ve been pushing away in a naive attempt to protect myself from any additional distress. On some level, I think Adam and I knew what we both needed, both deeply craved but outwardly denied ourselves and each other. There was never any malicious intent. In fact, we were each doing what most anyone would logically conclude was the “right thing”. We had been through hell. We’d stuck by one another, never wavering in our commitment to our marriage and family, but our relationship wasn’t the problem, so it wasn’t getting any attention. We were exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I was hurting, Adam couldn’t fix it, and he felt guilty, inadequate even. I knew Adam was struggling so I tried not to lean on him or put any additional pressure on him. We were both trying to protect each other but began to slowly wither away as more and more time passed without giving each other the things we couldn’t give ourselves. We would fall into bed and think only of sleep. Adam still kissed my forehead before he went to work each morning. We never hung up the phone before saying I love you. We went through all the motions, continuing in our repetitive and boring daily lives until finally, one night, Adam took me. We climbed into bed like all the nights before, only this time he immediately rolled over on top of me. He leaned down and kissed me long and hard. He undressed me and then slowly, deliberately parted my legs with his. [SIDE NOTE: that is one of the sexiest things my man can do to me! There’s something about the way he uses his legs to spread mine without my even really noticing until he’s already done it…purrr]

That night Adam had his way with me. He wasn’t exactly gentle, but he made love to me. It was so much more than sex. He showed me he wanted me, reminded me that I’m his, took back his place as leader and a man, my man. He held me down, pulled my hair, and took his time making sure to give every inch of my body his full attention.

The thing is, I didn’t realize the significance of that night right away. I struggled so much to push away all of the negativity bouncing around in my mind. I didn’t even have an orgasm. Over the next couple of days, though, I kept finding myself daydreaming about Adam. I was noticing him and his body. I wanted to feel his touch again. I felt so much “lighter” as I began to trust and allow Adam to help me take on the chaos and stress. The Bible says not to deny each other our bodies (sex) in marriage. I truly believe there’s a good reason that was put in there and I think I understand it better now. Each night since, we’ve had sex. Everyday, I’m feeling better and we’re growing closer again. Sex in the midst of life’s tragedies can seem inappropriate. We were fooled into believing that during a time when we needed each other most. Adam would’ve let me get away with murder a week ago. Looking back, I was acting out in small ways to test him. I was hoping to push the right button just hard enough that he’d discipline me. I needed him to reaffirm his role and mine. HE was needing to reaffirm his role and mine. Isn’t that ironic?

When he falls off his horse

Adam is strong, smart, handsome, generous, and very rarely overtaken by his emotions. I can only think of one life event that brought him to tears in the 12 years we’ve been together. His dad had battled cancer when Adam was in college. He won that battle and remained cancer free right up to the five year mark, and then it came back. It came back with a vengeance. I remember the night his parents asked us all over and his dad rocked nervously in his favorite chair as he did his best to hold back the tears while he explained to us that the prognosis was not good. His dad was dying. Only five short months later, we sat around Adam’s dad in a hospital bed and watched him take his last breath. It was just after 5:00am when we left the hospital. After we got home, Adam went to take a shower and I knew he just needed to be alone for a few minutes. About half an hour later, he re-emerged with bloodshot eyes. It was obvious that he’d been crying. Now, I absolutely do not subscribe to the notion that boys/men should not show emotion. I think it’s unfortunate that we have spent so long teaching little boys that to cry is to show weakness and that it’s a “girly” thing to do. Having said that, I also know that men generally don’t share their feelings in the same way we women do. Men don’t think like we do. Adam is a man. He takes care of business. He is my knight in shining armor ever ready to slay the dragons and save me. Occasionally, even knights fall off their horses, though. Life is hard whether you’re a man, woman, both, or neither. As humans, we all have times in life where we need someone to comfort us and to help us back up after we’ve been knocked down. Even tough guys need help sometimes. I love Adam so deeply. I rely heavily on his ability to be the predictable and stable and responsible man he is. When I saw his heartbreak, his pain that morning, I went into “mama bear” mode. I was the protector. I was the rock for awhile. I laid in bed with Adam and ran my fingers through his hair while more silent tears fell. I understood the hurt and frustration that comes from not being able to fix it. Adam is the fixer, the protector, the calm in every storm. I am absolutely willing and able to step up and be those things for him in those moments when he needs me to. I can be strong and brave. I can hold back my own emotions so that I can be there for him when he needs me more than I need him. I can pick him back up, dust him off, and help him back onto his horse and then Adam can carry on being my knight in shining armor.

Trouble squared (part II)

I always do my best to time supper so that it’s just about ready when Adam gets home from work. He can get home anytime between 5:30 to 8:00pm, so I’ve learned over the years how to time meals out just right so the food is hot and fresh for him and we can all eat together at the table. We had extra kids over, so the house was noisy and chaotic when Adam got home and I was getting all the kids plates of food dished out. We sat down, said our dinner prayer, and enjoyed our meal. Adam has this thing he’s always done when I’m rinsing the dishes at the sink he comes up behind me, pats my butt, and then reaches his arms around me and gives me a hug and a kiss and thanks me for a good supper. I chose that moment to announce that I had something I had to tell him. We also have a thing between us when it comes to sharing something that makes me nervous or that I know is likely to upset him. We shower together every evening, and that is when we talk about everything on our minds. There’s something about being naked in front of one another. We’re vulnerable and we can’t walk away if we get angry. We have had many a heated discussion standing in the shower together! I knew he wouldn’t be happy about the whole electric bill situation, but I also knew it wasn’t the kind of thing that would cause an argument or make him seriously angry with me.

A few hours later, I told Adam “let’s go take our shower.” He laughed and said I must be excited to get my spankin’ over with. He didn’t yet know what had happened, just that something had. It was finally time to fess up and I felt a little bit nervous all the sudden. I began with “you know how stressed out I was a few weeks ago? And you know I usually do a great job making sure I take care of things at home?” At that point, he probably thought I was about to drop a serious bomb on him because he looked really worried. I told him all about what had happened, but I wasn’t planning to mention the extra fees we had to pay until Adam asked about how much more it cost us. How did he know about that?! He had a serious look on his face at first, but then he grinned a slight little half grin that tells me he’s not too upset. He pulled me close to him and then brought his hand down hard on my behind. I yelped and he announced I had 5 more just like that coming. His hands can touch me in so many different ways. They’re gentle and reassuring. They give a great back massage. They hold me close and make me feel protected from the world. They can also feel hard as a block of wood. His hands were blocks of wood last night. When he finished, he asked me what I’d learned and y’know what I told him??? I told him I’d learned that he has shitty aim because he got my back twice! (He didn’t really get my back, but he typically spanks lower where I’ve got more padding.) This is the reason I titled this blog post, “Trouble squared”. I just had to say something snarky, which landed me in much deeper water. The truth is, Adam laughs at my silliness. He loves me and all my sassy southern ways. He isn’t trying to change me or anything. He has randomly slapped my behind probably 20 times over the last couple of days just to ask if his aim was better that time, but if I ever did or said something that made him truly angry with me, he would never lay a hand on me. This is our thing. Occasionally, there is a more serious message behind the discipline Adam is giving me. This time, the message was “please don’t screw up my credit because you haven’t paid a bill” and that IS something to take seriously. As for my sarcastic response, though, that did not mean that I wasn’t appreciating that I had done something stupid and this was on the more serious side of punishment rather than mostly playful. I did understand that and I did feel bad. Adam knew I felt terrible and that I don’t regularly ignore our bills. I say silly things to lighten the mood sometimes. I sometimes get sarcastic when I’m nervous. For Adam and I, my remark wasn’t meant or taken as blatant disrespect. I did get a much more sore rear end for it, but not because Adam was genuinely angry with me. I never have to be afraid to say something to him. I never have fear in those rare instances when he is truly angry. I know that he would never put his hands on me in anger, even with DD in our marriage. Once things have calmed down, discipline absolutely happens! But, I wanted to make it abundantly clear that he did not and would not spank me if he was really truly mad at something I’d done or said. My butt was sore the next morning, and again last night, but my spirit is not ever bruised or beaten by Adam.