Sweet & Sour, Emotional Rollercoaster

We had “breakfast” for supper, last night. I am a decent cook, if I do say so myself, but bacon is Adam’s thing. He started the bacon as soon as he got home, while I worked on everything else. After supper, I cleaned up the kitchen, like always. Then, I made myself some arctic white chocolate hot cocoa and stood in the kitchen while I sipped on it and enjoyed a moment to myself. Adam walked in and smacked my behind. I, playfully, “slapped” his cheek. I would never seriously slap my husband. Then, he spanked me about a half dozen times. When he does that, even playfully, in that rapid fire succession, I about go crazy! I don’t want to tell him, but that actually hurts so much more than a few hard ones with a break, in between!! He wasn’t angry. We were just playing around. He asked me if I learned a lesson? I told him, “don’t do this”, and I “slapped” him, again. Ooof. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. He spanked me another half dozen or so times, as fast and hard as before. I screeched and climbed down so that I was straddling his waist with my legs and my arms around his neck. Adam called me his “little spider monkey” 😆 I didn’t retaliate, this time. My butt had had enough.

I had a nice afternoon hanging out with my little girl. We watched an old 1990’s Halloween movie with the Olsen twins in it. She was able to return to school today, feeling much better! Jackie had come up to bring Mj some cough drops, and I’ve seen her, in passing, a couple times. Besides that, we really haven’t spoken.

I’m really not just trying to be an asshole and hold a grudge, with Jackie. My struggle, is with the things she was willing to say and do while she was drunk and angry. I’ve overindulged, before. I’ve never done something like the things she did. It makes me feel like I can’t trust. This is something that I went through, with my mother, for years. It took enormous strength to finally cut my mother out of my life. I forgave my “mom” so many times, and I believed her every time she swore she was going to change. Allowing her in my life gave her a window into all of my shit. Good, bad, and ugly. My angry, drunk, and high mother would use those things to hurt me. She knew my struggles, my “skeletons in the closet”. Jackie knows literally ALL of me. I can’t believe she is capable of doing the same things she watched my mother do to break me. I love Jackie. I need her! I’m asking myself if I truly know her, anymore? Can I trust anyone?? What is wrong with me, that I find myself in this situation, again, with another person who is so willing to hurt me? I would absolutely never do that to anyone, let alone my loved ones! I can honestly say, I have never done things simply out of spite, just to hurt someone, in my adult life. As a young and dumb teenage girl, I did some cruel things. I won’t deny that. As an adult, I haven’t even been cruel to my worst enemies. I’m not “built” like that. I must be so naive to assume that the people I love would treat me the same. Jackie has been my very best friend for nearly 20 years. She’s done some shitty stuff. Nothing that’s cut me this deeply before, though. I don’t know what to do. She hasn’t even apologized. I refuse to “let it go” and just pretend like it didn’t happen. I won’t do it. None of this is easy or simple. My kids call her “aunt Jackie”. She’s with us for every birthday, every holiday, through the good and the bad. I’m not sure if I can go through what I did with my mother, again. I wonder if, maybe, I’m too reactive, because of my mother. Maybe I’m being too harsh. I just don’t know. I know that, at the very least, I need Jackie to acknowledge what she did, and be sorry.

Adam knows I’m hurting. He’s been incredibly supportive and sweet. I asked him, “what would you do if Miguel got in my face and talked to me like Jackie did to you?” (Miguel is one of Adam’s best friends). He told me, “Oh, I know what I’d do. And I would have no problem cutting him from my life after I kicked his ass, either.” Then, he paused, and he told me he understands that it’s more complicated than that, for me, with Jackie. We’ve been so close for so long. He said he would support me, whatever I decide to do here. I know he’s not kidding about what he’d do if one of his friends did anything to hurt him or his family. Adam doesn’t tolerate bullshit from anybody. He’s kind and gentle and forgiving, with his family. He’s not like that with people who threaten us. I’ve seen a whole new, expert level of angry come out of him, when it comes to protecting his family. If I let this go, with Jackie, am I not protecting my family? Jackie is family, to me. This is so hard. I’m the type of person who, when I commit to something, I mean it. When I make a decision, a life changing difficult one, I know, in my heart, that’s it. I won’t go back on it. I’m loyal. I’m trustworthy. So, what is the loyal thing to do? Stand by my best friend, and forgive, and trust that this won’t happen again? I gave my mother countless chances. Doesn’t Jackie deserve that? I don’t know? Am I stupid if I trust her again? Am I heartless if I never let her back “in”? So many confusing thoughts, all at once. I wish she would apologize. I wish she could see how much she’s hurt me, and care. I hope she does. I need her to.