I Love You Forever

Last night was a rough one. Adam came home, and he wasn’t in a bad mood. I’d told him a couple pretty minor things, just because I wanted to know we had a “clean slate”, and I wasn’t keeping anything from him. It was seriously nothing big at all. He wanted to go in “the office”, to “discuss” this. Whatever…I went with it. When he put me over our bed, lifted my sundress, and then pulled my panties down, I got angry. I squirmed and protested. I don’t know what the fuck I wanted. I didn’t want a spanking, because I didn’t feel I’d done anything deserving of that. However, he and I both know, if he had let it go, I’d have taken that a certain type of way. Adam’s been real big on boundaries, lately. I haven’t been able to make him “bend”. I think there’s this internal fight I’m having. I want, hell I need him to be consistent. If he flip flops on rules or boundaries, I don’t respect them the way I do when he’s consistent. The other voice inside me screams, because she’s losing her power. I got frustrated, that all my best efforts couldn’t sway him. Like, dammit…I don’t want to be able to “win”, but yet I’m desperately fighting for power, at the same time. It’s a difficult thing to explain in words.

Adam never wants to be unfair, harsh, or especially, to hurt me. I love him for that. While I didn’t want him to spank me at all, the fact that it was sort of playful and in no way memorable, only added to my frustrations. Why did we have to go through “all of this”, when he clearly didn’t feel it was a big deal either? I felt like he pretended to care about things that he claimed mattered, but didn’t really. Anger and frustration absolutely boiled over inside me. I refused to give Adam any “yes sir”, in response to his questions, when he let me up. I laid on our bed, and stared through him. I gave him no words, whatsoever. He left me in our room. A few minutes later, he returned. He tried to talk to me again, but I continued to simply glare at him. I also blatantly rolled my eyes at him. Finally, I could see his own frustration had reached its max. He walked out, once more. I stayed awhile longer. Then, I went into our bathroom and threw my hair into a high ponytail. It was a mess, after all that had just occurred. I went out to the kitchen, and cooked our supper.

The following few hours, Adam and I barely spoke, except through text messages. I tried to tell him what I was feeling and thinking, but I don’t think I could have processed all of this yet, either. I wasn’t quite sure why I was feeling or acting this way. I didn’t understand much of my own reaction. I didn’t want to “win”. I have periodically had this thought bubble up, if I hold my ground long enough, not even Adam can help me. I haven’t ever made a conscious choice to do it, and I never planned it to happen, but it did. I was disappointed in myself, for my actions. I was also disappointed that Adam seemed to have just given up. I was sad. I was mad, I was confused. I was conflicted. I searched for words, to give clarity to both Adam and myself. I struggled to find them, though. He was upset with me, but I was upset too. I was really hurting. It was such a lonely and miserable feeling, believing I’d convinced my husband not to try anymore.

The truth was, he hadn’t “given up”. He’d given me time to think, and to cool off. He’d given himself time to do the same. I’d gone into our bathroom, to be alone. I didn’t want anyone to see me so upset. Adam and I continued our “text war”. He was in the living room. I sent one particular text to him, where I said, “You can’t handle it if I push back on you? That gives me lots of confidence.” I heard him get up, and heavy footsteps neared our bathroom. The door flew open. He went into our closet, and emerged holding his belt. He sat in front of me, silently daring me to keep pushing him. I wasn’t ready to back all the way down, yet. I softened my tone, and my words, but I ignored the threat he wielded in his hands. He turned on the shower, sat the belt down, undressed, and got in. I followed him in. Our naked shower talks are always the most raw and honest ones. There’s just something about being naked together, with nowhere to hide, that brings all the truths out.

Adam told me I’d put him in an impossible position. He knew, if he let this go, I would repeat what I’d done. He told me, if he let it go, I’d have essentially “cut off his balls”. I don’t ever want Adam to want to hurt me. I don’t like pissing him off. I don’t enjoy getting spanked. What I do want, is to know when he actually freaking means it. I need to believe him. A playful slap on my butt is fine! It’s all in fun. Going through all the trouble to appear serious, and then telling me he’s not really, with a couple little smacks, that frustrates the hell out of me. He wants me to know the difference between when he means it, and when he’s just messing with me. I want to understand, too! In my mind, he was either not serious, when he brought me into “the office”, or he was afraid of me. My protests had weakened his resolve. I could convince him to do whatever I wanted. I truly can convince Adam to do most anything for me, but I don’t want my bitchy, stubborn, arrogance to be one of the ways I’m able to do that. I want to persuade him through careful, thoughtful, respectful words and actions. Despite this awareness I have, I get mad sometimes, and I try him. I try my very worst “tools”, to get what I think I want. Even though, soon, I recognize that wasn’t what I wanted at all. I didn’t want it to work. I want to know that if I push against my “rock”, he won’t budge. I also want to get to a place where I won’t, can’t, or don’t push him anymore.

After an hour in the shower, talking through this mess we’d made, calmer heads prevailed. Adam ended up giving me the very worst spanking I’ve ever gotten.

I’d just stepped out, from the shower. Adam handed me a towel. He said something about needing to “get this over with”. I didn’t get a chance to respond. I hadn’t even gotten my towel wrapped around my body yet. I clumsily attempted to cover my backside with my towel, but he was quicker than me. He sat on the side of our bathtub, pulled me over his knees, and brought his hand down hard and fast. He covered my entire behind with many repeated swats. I was crying out like I’ve never done before. “Owwwwwie!” “Pleeeease” and “NOOO”! When he finally let go of me, I sank down to the floor. I still held my towel in my hands. I covered my face with it, wiping away tears. Adam gave me a minute there, before he reached out his hand for me to grab ahold of. I looked up at him, and hesitated a moment, before taking his hand. He pulled me up. We got ready for bed. It was late. The kids had been in bed for two hours already. When I walked to our bed, Adam was waiting for me. He held the blanket up, for me to climb in next to him. I put my arms around him, for the first time all day, and laid my head on his chest.

He was still home when I got up, this morning. As I stood in the kitchen, loading my Keurig coffee machine with some much needed caffeine drink, he came up behind me. He wrapped his arms around me, and kissed the top of my head. Then, he gave me his sideways grin, and asked me how I slept. I declined to answer, and instead responded with a sigh and a shoulder shrug. I texted him, awhile ago. I apologized for last nights awful mess. He’d claimed I “lied” to him, because when he told me he was going to spank me, I asked him “what’d I do?” We both knew full well why it was gonna happen, but I guess I just wanted to hear him tell me. He continued to insist that I lied to him, pretending not to know why, and that had made the spanking worse. I still think it would’ve been the exact same experience on my behind, regardless of this “so called ‘lie’”…


It’s Been Awhile

And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve gone and fucked things up again…

…and it’s been awhile, since I said I’m sorry


Last night, in the shower, I kind of laid into Adam. He made me mad! He turned the AC on, without mentioning this, and he set it at 75 degrees. We always agreed to 78, in summer. Since he hadn’t mentioned it, I had also had windows wide open, throughout the house. I had literally just mentioned this, in my blog! I called him a hypocrite and a liar. I lectured him. I went on about all the shit he gave me, all winter, if I dared to touch the thermostat. This issue grew larger than necessary. I did become disrespectful. I was so angry, though! Finally, Adam admitted that he shouldn’t have done that. He insisted, he never punished me, for turning up the heat. I retorted, he did give me plenty of hell. He spent time and energy to explain to me why I shouldn’t do that, especially since we’d agreed to leave it at that temperature. He told me to put more layers of clothes on, if I was cold. Here we are, now that it’s getting warmer, and he’s the one complaining. He’s sneaking around, messing with the thermostat. I explained, if he seriously “means it” about an issue, I need to know. When he does shit like this, it tells me he’s either a hypocrite, or he never really meant it. That’s incredibly frustrating, for me! He did acquiesce, after a few rounds of arguing our sides. He promised not to do that again, because he expects me to follow our agreement during wintertime.

Unfortunately, I had done some things. I rolled my eyes, a couple times. I also might’ve said a fuck off, in my frustration. When we got out of the shower, Adam got his turn to lecture me. He told me he’s very serious about not being disrespectful. He reminded me, he never does or says things like that to me, when he’s upset with me. He apologized for turning the AC on, and going against our arrangement. Then, he pulled up the towel I had covering my body, and spanked me. He insists, he won’t tolerate my eye rolls, middle fingers, or disrespect anymore. I wasn’t happy, but we ended the our night making love, and forgiving one another.

Today, I’ve had some things on my mind. There’s a couple of things I’ve kept from him. Nothing horrible. I’ve neglected to mention them, though. I guess it’s extra on my mind, after last night. I was so upset with him, and here I am screwing up too.

He’s on his way home…


Fun & Sun

I’ve got my mantle decorated for summer, now! I love it 😊

Last night was a lot of fun, with Justin and Jackie. We played cornhole, out back. I checked on our baby birds. The birds make nests up under our deck, and I insist on making sure there’s no eggs or babies in them, before Adam removes them. There was one I’d found babies in, so we’re having fun watching them grow.


My son, Wyatt, was sick with a stomach bug. Yesterday, he had a horrible headache, and then started throwing up. My niece, Pj, also came down with this. Today, Wyatt and Pj are feeling better, but my sister is currently sick with this crud, now. So far, nobody else at our house has gotten this. I’m praying it stays that way!

Adam went into work, for a few hours. He said he’ll be coming home around noon. We’re planning to grill some chicken, this evening, and have Justin and Jackie over. We’d hoped to play more cornhole, and hang out outside, but it’s dreary and cloudy. It’s only mid 60’s out, too. If we can’t be outside, I’m sure we’ll find fun inside. Mj is going to help me make some brownies, and the pasta salad I’m fixing for tonight, with supper. We had a quiet Saturday morning, at our house.

Last night, we came inside around 11:00pm, since Adam had to get up and go into work. I was being silly. My dad taught me “pig Latin”, when I was a little kid. We used to talk to each other, like that, a lot. I’ve been saying things in pig Latin, to be a smart ass. I said “eye roll”, in pig Latin, and giggled. I didn’t actually roll my eyes. We were brushing our teeth, and Adam was annoyed. He reached over, and gave me a smack on my behind. I protested. I argued that saying “eye roll”, is not the same as doing it! Adam disagrees. For whatever reason, I’d decided this was a hill I was going to “die on”. A battle I refused to lose. I was not going to retreat from this. I said “eye roll” several times. Each time, Adam spanked me. I wouldn’t give in, though. Then, he put me over our bed, and spanked me hard. He said I was trying to get around his rules, and being disrespectful. After, he climbed into bed, and pulled me close to him. I started to cry. I told him I was just messing around! I was irritated, that he was punishing me for, what I felt was teasing. He never raised his voice, but he wouldn’t let me argue, either. Adam says it’s disrespectful. He says there’s lots of ways I can tease him, without doing or saying disrespectful things. This morning, I can see his point. Although, it’s not that easy to accept. I don’t feel that I’m doing anything wrong. He does. My sore behind, means he wins…

We’re grilling, and spending the evening outside. Justin and Jackie are here. I’m determined to have another fun evening, without a repeat of last night’s ending. Other than that, it’s been a real good weekend!


Broken Window Serenade

A couple of pretty flowers
Is what I brought to you
I saw you through a broken window
With a different point of view

You had signs of depression
From a long line of sin
And your face tells a story
Bout the places you have been
I loved you so
I thought you should know

And you feed your addiction
With your crystal meth
And I plead for your life
As it takes you to your death

You make your deal with the devil
As your looks begin to fade
I saw you laughin through the tears
As you slowly slipped away
I watched you go
I thought you should know
Yeah I watched you go
I thought you should know

A couple of pretty flowers is what I brought to you
I saw you through a broken window
With a different point of view…

~Whiskey Myers

Sometimes, the lyrics in a good song do a better job of saying what I’m feeling, than I could. Besides my mother, I’ve watched as several old friends lost everything to addiction. I have also seen more than one friend beat their addiction. You can’t begin to heal your addiction, until you acknowledge it, though. This is why I’m confident my mother won’t. While I wish that could be her story, one that I might even be able to write in again, I very much doubt it. Unfortunately, she’s just too far gone. This is why I’ve wished she’d died, instead of “lived” like this. I can’t put into words how difficult it is to lose a parent. To lose them, but they’re still here. To “lose” her, because she left me. I mean, maybe she never really was with me, anyway? I had such high hopes for us, though. Naive? Ignorant? Selfish? Maybe. But, I had so hoped we’d have a healthy relationship after she’d straightened up, years ago. She never apologized for my childhood. I forgave her, anyway. I did it, because she’d begun to show up for me. I truly believed I mattered, for awhile. I long for that feeling. Being assured that I’m loved. I’m enough. That she might even think I’m great. To know that my mom is proud of me.

If she ever did care, she definitely doesn’t anymore. I’m not sure I can do a good job explaining this, but I’m going to try. While she was here, in my city, I’d worried that she’d try to come to my house. I’d spent those days on edge. Once she was gone, back to where she lives now, I didn’t feel relief. Instead of taking that deep breath, celebrating that stress coming to an end, I felt sad. It hurt me. As much as I didn’t want to have my psychotic, screwed up mother show up at my door, I was deflated when she didn’t. She didn’t even try. She didn’t want to see me. I don’t know how many times I have to be told, I don’t give a shit about you, until I’ll be able to accept that she doesn’t. Logically, I get it. There’s still this little girl inside me, who’s pleading for her mama to want her. I simply cannot rationalize how a mother could do this to her child. I would fight until my last breath, for my babies. I wish I had a mama willing to fight for me…

Thankfully, what I do have, is some amazing people who are here for me. While it’s impossible to replace the missing piece my mother has taken, my life is very full. I’m blessed with a whole lot of love and support. We had a great evening, with Justin and Jackie. We sat out on the deck, enjoying the beautiful weather, and a couple drinks. Adam was running a little late, so I’d offered to go ahead and start the bacon, for our BLT’s. This was his response,

He cooked the bacon, when he got home, and our supper was delicious. Justin and Jackie left around 9:00pm, and then Adam and I went to take our shower. I was in a silly mood. I’m also PMS’ing. I can get a little bitchy, quickly. I didn’t intend to be quite so difficult, but I kinda was. I challenged him on literally everything he said to me. I did this gesture, where you take your thumb to your mouth and flick upward. “I bite my thumb at you” kind of thing. Adam didn’t know what that meant, so I started laughing. This is the point where he had had enough. I could see it immediately. He knew I’d done something offensive, but not exactly what. He wanted me to explain, but I didn’t particularly want to do that, at this point. He was getting angry with me, so I told him. It’s pretty much a different way to flip someone off. I also mentioned that I wished I hadn’t shown him, or told him what it means, so that I could’ve used that the next time he annoys me. I was a little bit arrogant, in the way I talked to him. He noticed. He informed me I’d crossed the line, and he’d had enough. Even then, I wasn’t exactly willing to humble myself, yet. The stubborn in me was taking over. I’d started out only intending to make Adam laugh. Instead, I’d insulted and disrespected him. I know I recognized this, but I wasn’t ready to admit it. I pushed back pretty hard, continuing to allow every single thought I had escape my lips. Adam got very quiet.

When we got out of the shower, Adam handed me the towel I wrap around my hair, and then wrapped a big towel around my body, like he always does. I continued to have an attitude, while we dried off and got our night clothes on. Albeit, a much less intensely disrespectful one. He gave me his sideways grin, and told me I’d find out what he thought in a little bit. He said I wasn’t going to sleep very comfortably, tonight (last night). I glared at him, and told him I had much more fun plans for him. I said I wouldn’t be in any mood for it (sex), if he busted my butt. He said it was a sacrifice he was willing to make, for the greater good. Then, he walked over to me, and spanked me hard and fast, at least 10-15 times. I dropped to the floor, after he released me. I looked up at him and asked him, “Are you done now?!” He walked toward me, with his hand held out for me to grab hold of, so he could help me up from the floor. As he pulled me upright, he told me, “Not even close.” This was when I knew, for certain, he was serious.

We tucked the kids into their beds, and brushed our teeth. I took my sweet time applying lotion to my arms and legs. I put all my face products on. I walked over to my nightstand, by the bed, and put on my lip mask moisturizer that I use every night. Adam was laying in bed. I climbed in, next to him. He put his arm under me, and pulled me closer to him. I thought, for a second, maybe he won’t spank me anymore tonight, now? That thought was barely finished, when he interrupted, asking if I was ready. I gave him a pitiful look, as to silently try and prevent what was coming. In one quick motion, he had flipped me onto my belly. He pulled the t-shirt I was wearing up, my panties down, and spanked me as hard and fast as he had done earlier. I tried to wiggle away, but he had me pinned down good, this time. Just as I was about to cry out, he stopped. I was so relieved it was over, or so I thought. He lectured me, in his stern “dad” voice. That’s what the kids call it, when he’s stern like that. I didn’t hesitate to give him the responses he was looking for, after each question asked. I hoped maybe he would let me up, if I stopped trying to challenge him. It didn’t work. He gave me another painful round of smacks on my backside. This one was even worse than the others had been. I cried, “owwwwwieee”. I know that’s a super childish thing to say, but it’s what often comes flying from my mouth, when something really hurts. That, and “golly”, when I’m frustrated, but don’t want to curse. Finally, Adam released me from his grip. He laid back down. I rolled over and sunk my head into his chest. He wrapped his arm around me, once more, and we went to sleep. Indeed, I did sleep fitfully. Lots of tossing and turning, through last night. At one point, my sleep was interrupted, when Adam patted my butt. It was just one “love tap”, but I immediately cried “OWIEE”. That light little smack actually did hurt, too. Woke me right up from my sleep. He let out a quiet giggle. I refused to say anything more. He just pulled me closer to him, and we went back to sleep.

I need to apologize for my behavior, last night. I need to let him know I am sorry. The dawn of a new day, often shines a different perspective on a situation. I’m clearly seeing how crappy I was treating him, in the shower. I was a bratty, mouthy, cocky wife. Not my best moment. Definitely not how I want to be toward my husband. Submitting isn’t always natural and easy. Sometimes, it’s hard. Even when it’s something I want to do, the temptation to buck against it remains an issue for me, every so often.


Catch Hell

You can get it right. Run up, catch hell, take this L. You can get it right.

~Adam Calhoun

Saturday evening, Jackie and Justin came over. We spent the evening out back, playing cornhole, and being silly. Jackie had started to feel lightheaded, and like her heart was racing. It was, too. Her Apple Watch alerted to it. After they left, Jackie passed out. Justin brought her straight to the ER. Jackie has a lot of allergies, and asthma issues. Covid seriously messed up her lungs. They didn’t do much, at the ER, except to get her set up with a specialist. I hate it, that she has to fight so many health issues.

We weren’t sure if they’d still want us to come there, Sunday afternoon. Jackie said she felt much better, so we went. Justin smoked ribs, a chicken, and brats. It was very yummy! I think he’s enjoying making different foods on his smoker, and sharing with everyone. 😊

The kids had a fun weekend, too! Wyatt got to stay over at a friends house. Mj had her best friend, T, stay overnight here. Everybody was ready for bed early, last night!

I shared my blog post, from Friday, with Adam. That’s been helpful, for both of us, that I can write out things, and then let him read my thoughts. Last night, as we were brushing our teeth, Adam said I’d rolled my eyes at him. I honestly didn’t think I had! I told him so. Then, he said he’d seen it, and I knew what was gonna happen. That’s when I did start to roll my eyes, in annoyance. I stopped myself, mid way. I’d caught myself. He caught me, too. I still don’t know if I really did roll my eyes at him, that first time he says I did? It’s not that easy, to control facial expressions that I’ve been making for most of my life. After we left our bathroom, and began to get ready for bed, Adam came around to my side of the bed. I absolutely was not trying to find trouble, last night, but I guess I did anyway. He picked me up, laid me on the bed, held his hand on my back, and spanked me pretty damn hard. I suppose my blog post I’d shared with him, is the reason he decided to be certain to let me know, he “meant it”. Pretty sure I got that message. Since he doesn’t want me to flip him off, even in silliness, I’ve been trying new things. I’d shaped my fingers into a “W”, to signal “whatever”, the other day. He didn’t much care for that either, though. He didn’t spank me, but he issued a warning. One thing I have done, that doesn’t bother him, is sign “I love you”, with my hand. I’ve done that a few times, recently, even when I found him annoying.

Today, I’m feeling pretty good. I washed all our bedding, and hung it out to dry. I cleaned the kitchen. I bought this stuff called “barkeepers friend”. I cleaned all our stainless steel appliances, with it. It works magic! The reviews are no joke! It cleaned my glass stovetop and sinks really well, too! I vacuumed and swept all the floors. I’m fixing to mop. Decided to take a little break, and write here.

Adam is grilling pork chops for us, this evening. I’d text and asked if he’d be home in time, or should I just put them in the oven? He said “I got it”. So, we’re getting grilled pork chops. 😋 I’m going to be making scalloped potatoes, and cutting up some fruit. I’ve got pineapple, cantaloupe, strawberries, and watermelon. I should bake some cookies, for Adam and the kids. They haven’t had those, for awhile. The kids love when they get home from school, and smell fresh baked treats. I want them to always remember those kind of days, when they were kids, coming home to their mama having baked them something yummy. Maybe they’ll think of me, when they’re enjoying those same smells, one day, after they’re grown.


Blurred Lines

I was listening to a podcast, this morning. A husband and wife discuss their relationship, and their own take on discipline within their marriage. It really struck me, hearing them talk about “maintenance spankings”. For me, I’ve always kind of felt it would be cruel if Adam seriously spanked me, and I’d crossed no boundaries to deserve it. I thought it would devastate me, if I’d done nothing wrong, but he punished me as if I had. Wouldn’t that defeat the whole purpose? As I continued to listen to this couple, I heard some explanations I hadn’t truly considered before. The wife talked about how, when she hadn’t broken any rules in awhile, she’d start to doubt whether her husband was still “in this” with her. She’d begin to consider acting out on purpose, just to make sure he was still paying attention. Obviously, that’s not a good idea. Still, I can relate. The husband also mentioned something I hadn’t thought of. He said it made him feel more confident and capable that he could hold her accountable, when necessary, if they “maintained” their “dynamic”. I wondered if Adam has struggled with this? Until yesterday, I hadn’t been in serious trouble, in 3 months! I have rolled my eyes, flipped him off, things like that. He hasn’t spanked me in that “I MEAN IT, don’t do that again” kind of way, though. Not for those things. If he does really “mean it”, I haven’t gotten that message. I know he doesn’t like it, when I’m disrespectful in how I act or speak, but it doesn’t come across as the kind of things that get me in serious trouble with him. Even last night, I didn’t feel that he was genuinely that upset with me. The spanking didn’t hurt much at all. While, in the moment, I’m grateful, I think it does send mixed messages. He doesn’t want to be a jerk. I’ve been pretty damn good, for quite awhile. Adam wants to show me he appreciates that. On the other hand, I wind up wondering whether, or not, he was really serious. I tell myself he didn’t care that much. Maybe he was just trying to scare me. I mean, I spent hours wondering and worrying about what he would do, when he came home. When it turns out to be not too big a deal, that’s exactly how I take it. What I did was not that big a deal.

I don’t enjoy making my husband upset. I hate disappointing him. Having his hand leave bruises on my butt, that I can feel for days, that’s not fun. I don’t ever purposely look for that kind of trouble. I think, well…I know, I sometimes intentionally push his “smaller” buttons, though. The ones that I assume are no big deal. Rolling my eyes, for example. I hadn’t thought much about it, until now. I think I need to know he’s still got me. He’s still here. He’s still watching out for me, and for us.

I don’t necessarily think that “maintenance” spanking is for me. I can’t imagine I would respond well, to feeling punished for being good. I always love his playful smacks! I don’t want to get more than that without deserving it, though. I do wonder if a part of me doesn’t act out, because I don’t take him seriously. If I break one of our rules, and walk out of “the office” smiling, I clearly didn’t feel there was very much “bite”, behind Adam’s “bark”.

I don’t mean to suggest that I think Adam’s weak. He’s not! In fact, he is so strong, he is able to control his emotions. He is able to use the “tools” that he knows will actually work on me. He doesn’t raise his voice to me. He isn’t cruel. He’s careful to always remind me he loves me, even when he’s angry. Those things make me respect the hell out of my husband. I just have a hard time knowing exactly where his “line” is, sometimes. Was he goofing around? Was he just enjoying making me worry about whether he was serious, but he wasn’t really? Did he fucking mean it, but he kept his hard hand gentle, because he didn’t want to be a jerk? After all, I had been pretty damn good, lately. I think?

Multiple Orgasms *NSFW*

This one’s not quite the wholesome, innocent, sweet kind of post I usually make. It’s on my mind, this morning, and this is my story to tell. I’ve used my blog like a journal. I am married, after all, and sex is frequent in my marriage. Wanted to give fair warning, though. So, here goes…

Adam and I have some form of sex, most every single day. If I’m on my period, I’ll service my man orally. Occasionally, he decides to use my “back door”. I’m pretty open about my opinion of anal sex, when I talk with my girlfriends. It can actually be really fun! It’s naughty. It feels very different than vaginal sex. It isn’t painful, if done right.

I was fighting off a UTI. If I don’t make myself go pee, after sex, I am in danger of developing one. When I was younger, I had so many UTI’s, I was put on a low dose antibiotic everyday, for 6 months. I miscarried a baby, because of my constant UTI’s. I’ve learned how to (mostly) avoid them. Peeing after sex is a big one. Occasionally, I fall asleep naked, in Adam’s arms, and I don’t make it to the bathroom. This is exactly what happened, this weekend. So, I was drinking lots of water, and doing my best to avoid needing antibiotics.

When we went to bed, I was eager for any form of sexual intimacy, with my husband. I kissed his neck, his chest, his inner thighs, until my mouth found its way to his waiting manhood. When we were finished, I curled up in Adam’s arms, and went to sleep. I was awakened, a few hours later, when I felt him sliding my panties down. He was kissing the back of my neck, while his hands wandered over my body. I purred a little, alerting him that I was now awake. He reached over me, opening the drawer in our nightstand. He pulled out a bottle of lubricant, and readied himself. I moaned, as he began to find his way inside of me. He was “spooning” me, as we lay on our sides. His fingers touched me, moving in exactly the right ways to make me orgasm. I felt him climax. He pulled himself from inside of me, and we went back to sleep.

I woke up with my panties still down to my knees. A reminder of what we had done, hours earlier. We don’t do anal sex very often, which makes it even more of a turn on. I’m already fantasizing about tonight. The UTI has been averted. I’m feeling great. I can’t wait to get my husband between my legs again.

I truly believe good sex is a sure way to keep a relationship strong and healthy. Fourteen years with this man, and I still can’t get enough of him. I love to be wanted. I enjoy giving over my body to this one man. I wasn’t exactly “experienced”, when I met Adam. I lost my virginity to my ex. He was the only other man I’ve ever been with. I feel safe with Adam. His confidence and ability, in the bedroom, have shown me just how much fun sex can be. My comfort in knowing and trusting this man who is taking me, that’s the reason I’m so happily willing to give myself over to him. I’m his. And he’s mine.

Giving and Taking

If I don’t have music playing in the background, I’ll have a podcast I’m listening to. I’ve heard some interesting ones, recently. People talking about “high value men”, and women’s “body counts”. I discovered my husband is in the top 3.25% of American men. Statistically, only 15% of men are taller than 6 feet. If you also want him to be good looking, not obese or ugly, that halves, to 7.5%. If you want him making over $100,000 a year, it halves again. So, he’s 3.25% of men. I’ve always highly valued my man, but I hadn’t ever looked at it like that. According to the “experts” on this podcast, “high value men” cheat. Women shouldn’t expect them to be faithful, because all women are fighting for the top 10% of men. If they’re in that, you can’t expect monogamy. Bullshit! I didn’t marry him when he was making money. We struggled and sacrificed. We have built the life we have, together! Even Adam gives me credit, in his success. If I didn’t take care of our kids, our home, him, then he wouldn’t have been able to devote the same time and energy into his career. He had an old college friend come by, one time. His friend was going on and on about how his wife didn’t ever do anything, because she was a new mom. They had a 4 month old new baby! Adam looked at his friend, and told him “I could never trade places with Eve. She works hard, everyday. It’s not easy to take care of our babies, our home, our finances, and she does an amazing job of it.” Hearing my husband say those words, especially to this friend of his, stuck with me all this time! It means a lot to me, when he appreciates me, too.

Truthfully, he definitely works harder than I do. Just compare our hands. He has rough, calloused hands. Mine are soft and smooth. My day is easier than his, even on the harder days. I texted him, awhile back, and told him about what my morning had entailed. The dog threw up on our bed. Our daughter was sick. She’d been throwing up. There was a lot happening, but I told him I’m here washing our bedding, after having to clean up puke all morning, and thinking, I am so grateful that I can be here, taking care of our baby when she’s sick. Even when I’m doing the dirtiest jobs, I would rather be here, cleaning up puke, than doing Adam’s job! He’d rather be doing what he does, to take care of his family. I’d rather be doing what I do, to take care of my family. We see such value in each other, and the way we each contribute to our family. I think some folks out in “podcast land”, have cynical ideas about men and women. Like men want beauty and sex, and women look at men like wallets. It makes me sad for the people who go through life, with that type of mindset. Relationships aren’t about “what can you give me”. Fulfillment comes from the things I can do for my husband, and vice versa, for him with me. It’s not supposed to be a 50/50 partnership. You both give everything you can. We choose to love each other. You don’t always feel like it. You do it anyway. These people, who only see relationships as a transaction, they’re missing out on something so beautiful.

I couldn’t imagine starting over. The connection Adam and I have built together, is worth more than all the money and sex ever could be. There’s more to life than just money and sex. It makes me sad that there are people who might never know that for themselves.

Why Spank?

I need to start right off by saying, this is not for everyone. I’m only discussing what’s right for me, and what works for my husband and I.

Why does Adam spank me? To put it simply, because it works! I respond to him much differently, when he has the ability to “humble” me. I’m very quick witted. I can successfully argue just about anything, even if I’m wrong. I don’t back down easily. I am stubborn. Knowing that Adam can, and will, very calmly bring me into our bedroom, pull my pants down, and spank my behind without hesitation, changes the way I choose to interact with him. It forces me to stop and think, before I say or do something that I shouldn’t.

Why would you want to be treated like a child? You should be equal to your spouse! Personally, I don’t believe my husband and I are “equal”. We are certainly valued, equally. We are not the same, though. He has strengths that I readily admit I do not. He is a man, who takes his responsibilities as a husband and a provider very seriously. I am a woman. I have chosen to take the role of his helper. I have different responsibilities. I also have so many privileges that he doesn’t. I can stay inside, where there’s a constant comfortable temperature. I make decisions about our home and our children. I make decisions for myself. I even make plenty of decisions for Adam. The only time I’m “overruled”, is when Adam says so. He doesn’t do that often, though! I am perfectly able to voice my opinions. I can argue my perspectives. The only thing I cannot do, is disrespect my husband. If I try to argue with him by insulting him, or berating him, that just isn’t accepted. If a decision is made, and I disobey it, that is not acceptable. If I didn’t trust my husband to always be looking out for me and for our family, I would never have married him! I want, hell I need, my husband to be a leader. I appreciate his authority. I don’t want that job! We are living out a “traditional” marriage, in a modern world. I’ve said many times, I am not a doormat. I am not invisible. I am not meek and silent and abused. Adam works his ass off every single minute, so that I can have all the things I could ever want. He literally lives to make his family safe, comfortable, and content. He puts our needs first, always. All he wants is a little respect. I’m doing my best to give it to him. Still, I’m a flawed human being. I’ve lived most of my life thinking, talking, and acting the way I “felt like”. When Adam spanks me, I realize several things at once. First, holy crap, he means it. Second, holy crap, he loves me, even though he’s really upset. He doesn’t yell at me, because I do not respond well to it. He knows that. He knows when to be firm, and when to show me some softness. He knows me. He’s taken the time to learn who I am, and what works for us. Will this work for everyone? Of course not. I am happy. I am secure. I am satisfied. I am madly in love with my husband, and he loves me right back, in all the ways I need.

I also have to throw in, that Adam and I talk to each other much more than other couples I know. We don’t hold back. We can tell each other anything. There aren’t secrets. We just speak to each other respectfully. Adam respects me. He doesn’t insult me. He doesn’t bark orders at me. He puts me first! I am very well looked after, and I wouldn’t trade my life for anything.

One more thing worth mentioning, is that Adam and I have more sex than other couples I know. Like a lot more sex. We’ve been together for 14 years, and I am crazy about him. We haven’t gotten bored with each other. We definitely aren’t boring, in bed. I may be trying my best to be a lady in the streets, but best believe, I’m a freak in the sheets…for Adam 😉

A Brand New Day

Adam told me that he’d been very angry, on Tuesday evening, but he wanted to give me some time. He wanted to know if I would be sorry. He wanted to see if I would be sorry for what I’d done to him, or sorry for myself. Would I recognize how disrespectful I’d been, and would I apologize? I did all of those things, yesterday. It surprised me to know that was how he felt. I guess, I thought he would’ve done something right away, if he’d been upset. He said that he didn’t think I would react well to having him call me out, while I was so angry and frustrated myself. He also told me, now that he knows I recognize how disrespectful I can be, he will not hesitate to address it, immediately. He pointed out a couple of times I’ve spoken disrespectfully to, or about, him, recently. I hadn’t even caught that! It wasn’t blatant, nasty, hateful things I’d said. I had called him a “pushover”, at my Dad’s house, the last time we were over there for a guitar night. I’d made comments that belittled him, and I wasn’t thinking about how wrong that was. Adam said, he lets too many things like that go, without confronting me about them. He isn’t going to do that, anymore.

Jackie brought a 12 pack of beer in, when she got home from work. I’d been texting her about what was going on, with Adam and me. We each sat in the kitchen and drank one. I had made a casserole that was ready to go into the oven, as soon as Adam got home. It only needed 20-30 minutes to bake. I was watching our front door camera, waiting to see Adam’s truck go past. I’d just finished my beer, when it happened. He was pulling in the driveway, as I threw my empty beer can away. I quickly grabbed one more from the fridge. I chugged that thing so fast, it was gone before he walked into the kitchen! I was so nervous.

Adam had gone into our bedroom, before he came into the kitchen, to say hello. I suspected what he was doing…Taking a belt from our closet and setting it out. He looked so sexy, when he strode in to greet Jackie and I. He had his shirt sleeves rolled up, revealing his big, strong as hell forearms. Jackie started to talk to him about all kinds of random crap. I knew she was stalling for me. Adam didn’t seem to be in a bad mood. He was smiling and chatting, like normal. Finally, he turned to me and asked me how long til supper? I explained, I just needed to throw the casserole in the oven. He said “Perfect. Let’s go step into my office.” I really did intend to go with him, willingly. I knew I deserved whatever was coming to me. For some reason, I couldn’t make my feet move, though. He didn’t wait for me to move them. He picked me up and carried me into our bedroom. The dogs had followed, and as he was shooing them out the door, I started to walk towards the door, too. I was only playing. I always try to bring, even the tiniest bit of humor, into tough moments. Adam grinned, grabbed onto my arm, and said, “Nuh-uh, Eve”.

As I’d suspected, he had a belt laid out on our bed. He bent me over our bed. I immediately flipped over, onto my back. I looked up at him. I had tears welling up, in my eyes. I told him, “Adam, I’m scared.” I do not use that phrase, often. I don’t abuse it. I never say it to take advantage of my husband’s love for me. He knows that. He pulled me up, hugging me close. I pressed my face into his chest and started bawling. He smelled so good. This was what I’d wished for, all day. Adam’s “gentle” hands. He put his hand under my chin, and lifted my face so I was looking him in his eyes. His expression was kind. He said, “Baby, you know this has to happen. I need you to understand, this is serious. I love you so much, even when I’m very angry with you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. Let’s get this over with.” He laid me back down, on our bed. He left my jeans on, and put his left hand on my back, to keep me still. He spanked me with the belt, I don’t know, at least 6 times. Then, he sat down next to me. He talked about all of the things I wrote about, at the beginning of this post. I said a lot of yes, sir and no, sir’s. I was not expecting what happened next! He pulled me over his lap, pulled my jeans and panties down, and spanked me with his hand, hard. It hurt so much worse than the belt had. After, I’d guess, a dozen of those, he was finished. I was a mess of tears, and my nose was running. My hair had been in a ponytail. It was now loosely hanging on one side of my head, with hair stuck to my face. Adam wiped my hair from my face. He stood there, just staring into my eyes. I was sobbing, and breathing like I’d just sprinted a couple miles. I looked back into his eyes. My breaths slowed. We stayed like that for, what felt like, a long time. Finally, he spoke. “Just know, this is what happens, the next time you disrespect me like that.” I replied, “Yes, sir.”

When we emerged from “the office” (our bedroom, but Adam calls it that, when I’m in trouble), Jackie had turned up the music I’d had playing, in the kitchen. She’d also preheated the oven, and then put my casserole in. It was almost finished. This tells me, we were in there for 45 minutes, or so. It’s hard to have a concept of time, when we’re in there because I’m being spanked. Jackie didn’t ask me any questions. We went on with our evening. I’m sure we’ll talk, later today. She could tell that I wasn’t ready for a conversation about how it went. I’m sure it was obvious in the way I must’ve looked, too.

This morning, I drove our son to a local event center, for a “construction contest” he’s doing. I’ll have to go back to pick him up, this afternoon. He was real excited. It was COLD, outside. My heated seats don’t feel very good on a freshly spanked bottom, though. Adam and I are good. There’s no anger or animosity. It’s a new day. This is my favorite thing about the way our marriage works. I screw up. I get lectured and punished. It’s over.

I teased Adam, last night, about how his “fan club” had been on “his side”, on my blog.