I’m feeling 1000% better this morning! Cleaned the kitchen, washed our bedding, picked up toys around the house, and finished arranging some of my Fall decorations.

Yesterday, I got out my kitchen towels that are for Fall with pumpkins, leaves, and such on them. I realized all of them are worn and look old now. I found a set on Amazon that will match my kitchen perfectly, and I ordered them. It didn’t even occur to me that might not be a good idea? I’m honestly not sure what Adam would say? I had also ordered our groceries for the week last night. I’d been saving various things I can’t buy yet in the cart, so I transferred them into “save for later” and got the grocery items. Almost immediately after I did it, I discovered one of the things hadn’t gotten moved to “save for later”. I seriously debated what to do next. It was an accident. I would not be lying. However, I recognized it and had the ability to edit my order and remove it. Ultimately, I removed it. I told Adam about it later and he asked to see my order. I showed him there’s nothing I can’t have on there and he patted my behind and told me “good girl I’m proud of you”. So, this morning I’m feeling kind of guilty about the towels. He might not even care? If my “Alexa show” in the kitchen doesn’t rat me out, I should be fine. Alexa announces orders sometimes and shows what will be arriving that day right on the screen. She can be a real narc. I only have one more week left. Maybe I can just put them away until next week? I am so programmed to just get on my phone, find what I want, and press the order now button. I’ve gotten things like a new scrub brush for the kitchen and laundry detergent. I got some kitchen shears with my grocery order last night because mine are so incredibly dull it’s ridiculous. Adam didn’t mind any of them. He took such good care of me while I was sick. I just hope some kitchen towels don’t come back to bite me in the ass now. Besides some freakin’ air fresheners and kitchen towels, I really have minded him with this.

Well, I ended up buying the air freshener refills and a matching pumpkin spice spray for the house. I had felt like I might be getting a UTI (urinary tract infection) when I’d got up Thursday morning, but figured I could drink lots of water and shake it off. Unfortunately, by late afternoon I had a high fever and my pee looked like nothing but bright red blood. I started to get sick to my stomach by evening and my back ached horribly. I had gotten a pretty bad kidney infection. Spent all night at the hospital getting IV fluids and antibiotics. Came home Friday morning and pretty much spent the next couple days laying on the couch. I’m feeling much better now. The air freshener stuff I bought hadn’t gotten brought up at all until last night. I was talking to Adam and he told me he did notice, but he just wasn’t going to be upset with me about it. I guess I get a pass this time on the count of getting deathly ill! He did tell me not to “push it” with him again and buy anything else I’m not supposed to. I have 8 more days left (I think) before this darned punishment of no buying unnecessary things is over.

I have a whole handful of medication I have to take for awhile, and I hate taking anything. Adam is so sweet. He has alarms on his phone set to remind me to take my different meds when I’m supposed to. Besides all of this excitement the last few days, I don’t have much else to write about yet. I’m going to go lay on the couch with my head in Adam’s lap and take a little nap.

I haven’t even put up most of my Fall decor yet. I LOVE decorating for the seasons. I have red and yellow leaf garland to hang on the mantle. I have some cute Halloween things to put up when we get closer to it. I’m all about the sights and the smells when you walk into my home. Anything pumpkin, apple, or maple wood type candles make it feel pretty in here. I literally get about 2 days out of a new candle because I have it burning most of the day. I am down to the last one I had gotten before I got in trouble for procrastinating again. I got the whole “I have to work a whole hour of overtime to pay for that” speech. And I get that. I’m trying to find ways to get creative and get the Fall smells back until 11 more days pass. The wax cubes I had that we put in my friend’s scentsy warmer don’t really do much. I was disappointed. But an air freshener, that might do the job! I have a few of the Yankee candle plug in things, I just need the refills to put into them now. It’s probably ridiculous. I really want our house to look and smell and feel pretty. I keep our place darned near immaculate. I have some ADD and a bit of OCD tendencies. It’s like I need things to be a certain way or else I go crazy. So, Adam does have a lot of patience with me. He’s the only person in this world who could somewhat “tame” me. Not even my parents could do that when I was a kid. That’s why it shocks people who know me to see Adam put his foot down and to ever see me comply. I probably won’t buy the damn air freshener refills today. I’m not trying to “break the rubber band”. I’m trying to find ways to stretch it out a little is all.

Yesterday, I was texting with Adam about whether I could order stuff for my sister’s baby shower. I’m in charge of planning and we need to get invites out at least because it’s planned for early October. I asked him because I wanted to make sure that wasn’t breaking the rules for my no unnecessary buying for 2 weeks punishment. He told me I could do that. A few hours later, a friend was here and I mentioned how my old scentsy wax warmer had broken when we moved. I have a huge box full of the wax to put in them, but no scentsy anymore. So, she said she has a ton of them and I could use one for now if I wanted. At least til I can buy one for myself. She went and grabbed it to bring for me. We were setting it up and I realized, I should probably make sure this isn’t breaking his rules now?? Ultimately, he told me it was ok as long as I’m not having friends buy shit for me now.

Last night, he said “No more asking me for stuff. If you have to ask, the answer is no”. Then he brought out a belt and he swung it so that it crashed down on the bathroom counter near me, but didn’t hit me. He told me that would be my butt if I don’t obey him with this. I explained that I’m not “crossing the line” so much as if you think of a rubber band. I had one that stretched out real far before it broke. Now you gave me this tiny little one and I’m just seeing how far it’ll stretch. He said it didn’t matter, that I’m going to break the “rubber band” if I keep it up.

Well y’all, I’m a handful sometimes. I’m aware of this. I need to run to the store for some hair conditioner, Adam’s coffee, and more jalapeños. I opened the junk drawer that I keep note pads in so I could write a list, and I saw my plug in air freshener. I had several pumpkin and apple smelling refills for it at one time, but I can’t find any. So, I’m wondering if that counts. Like, surely I can buy an air freshener refill? I don’t want to ask him because he already told me if I have to ask, it’s a no. Maybe I buy it and if he even notices, and he isn’t happy, I can say “Oh! I didn’t think I needed to ask about something like that!”

I’m probably going to “break the rubber band” if I do it. I’m not certain that it would, though? This is way harder than I imagined it was going to be! I never have to think about buying things like candles or pretty things for myself or for our house. I haven’t gone to the store yet. I guess we’ll see what happens when I get there. I’ll either chicken out, or I’ll talk myself into it.

Why would a husband want to be responsible for keeping his wife “inside the lines”? She’s not a child. She knows right from wrong. As a wife, I don’t want to be treated like a child, either. I want to be treated like a wife. Some of my responsibilities mirror our children’s. Respect and obey those in authority over you. Doing those things for my husband makes sense to me. I remember awhile back, I was reading something that said men ranked respect as the top priority they look for in a spouse. Women’s top ranked quality was protect/provider. I asked Adam to rank this list they’d provided with his top 3. Respect also topped his list. I find that interesting. I shouldn’t be so surprised, but hearing my own husband tell me how important it is to him that I respect him was a wake up call. I needed to do better. I wanted to be a better wife for my husband. I will never lose my sass and fiery personality, but if I channel that into places that don’t disrespect Adam, it would be better for both of us. I have craved and so wanted my husband to command my honor, respect, obedience. Command because he holds himself to very high standards. He requires so much of himself to be the protector and provider that I need. Why shouldn’t I give him the thing that tops his list of priorities in me? Command because he is holding me accountable when I fail. The safe and secure feeling that washes over me is overwhelming when he won’t allow me to continue down an unhealthy path. When he says what he means, and means what he says. When he slaps my behind, gives me a look, and tells me to “keep it up”. It’s sexy. Maybe in that very moment I don’t necessarily see that, but I always will later think back to how unbelievably attractive it is to me when Adam rightly tells me no. He is no tyrant. He’s not unfair or unreasonable. He has appropriately dealt with plenty of bullshit I’ve thrown at him, especially the last few weeks. When I feel completely certain that he means what he says, I will usually listen (obey). If and, let’s be real, when I test him and call him on the promises he made earlier, without following through, his threats are meaningless. It’s effective and powerful as hell if I believe he will follow through. I’m terrified of his damn belt. Like, that thing…I do not want to feel it when Adam is upset with me, ever. He holds a decent amount of authority over me because of it.

So, what does he get out of it? The effort and energy it takes to protect and provide for me. Wouldn’t it be much easier to just let me run amuck? Well, I’m not a man, or a husband, but I think he gets a wife who gives him the thing he most wants from her, respect. He gets a wife who is softer, more kind with her words and actions. A wife who thinks a little harder before she acts or speaks. A wife who isn’t ashamed to show everyone who “wears the pants”. A wife who is committed to always being honest, even when it’s not easy. A wife who trusts him more than she ever thought she could trust another person. A wife who absolutely believes him when he tells her something, good or unpleasant. I am so grateful that Adam is willing to be the man I crave him to be. He’s an amazing provider and protector. He is always working to handle all of my bullshit, while never letting me doubt his love for me. I get everything I want from him. I’m hoping he gets the same. At least, overall. I’m not perfect. What fun would I be if I were, though!? Jackie and I are a 21st century Lucy and Ethel. And Adam is the Ricky to my Lucy. Most of the time, we have a lot of fun together.

So, a few weeks ago, I ordered these really cool sheer window blinds that don’t need cords or knobs to move them up and down. They just stay wherever you want to push or pull them. We needed something like this in our eat in area in our kitchen and I’ve looked for just what I wanted since we moved in here. I finally found exactly what I wanted for only $50 a piece. I just needed 2 of them. We finally hung them a couple weeks ago and it turned out, one of them was broken. I contacted the company who sent out a replacement, but I needed to ship back the defective one or else we’d be charged for the replacement. Y’all probably know where this is going now.

I had the blind in the box and ready to take to the UPS store, but I kind of sort of put that off. I went to do it yesterday, and discovered I’d waited too long and we’d been charged. I doubted I could even still send this broken one back now. I seriously debated whether to tell Adam about this. He would never ever notice a relatively small amount of money missing from one of our accounts anyway. I was very quiet and he kept asking me why I was so distant. Finally, while we were getting ready for bed, I told him. Guilt got to me and it felt too much like lying. I just knew how frustrated he would be considering we’d just addressed my bad habit of procrastinating a few weeks ago. I told him the whole situation. Then I giggled nervously, waiting for him to respond. I did not think it was funny. I just get like that when I’m nervous. Also, my ears turn bright red, which Adam commented on. He sighed and asked me “What am I going to do with you???” I replied “Accept me for the way I am?” He smiled and he pulled me into him. My face is right at his chest when he holds me because he’s about a foot taller than I am. I knew he wasn’t happy. He was showing me he loved me, anyway. He told me that I am not allowed to buy anything else for the house or for fun for 2 weeks. No more Fall candles that I love. No new lotion or makeup or whatever thing I would’ve gotten. Things the kids NEED or food, that’s it. Then, he informed me that I needed to still try to contact the seller and see if there’s any way I can still return this blind. He told me that, if not, I would have a second punishment to deal with the following night. I knew what he was saying. I slept in his arms, like normal. Except, I didn’t sleep particularly well because I was so nervous they wouldn’t take the blinds back now and Adam would be upset all over again tomorrow. So, this morning, I sent Adam a very long text message explaining that I swear I’m not just trying to get into trouble, or to piss him off. I hate doing that. I just think I can get away with putting off some things and it bites me in the ass, again. And again. I explained how nervous I was to even try to see if they’d take them back because it was easier for me to not call and hear them say yes, than it was to think of calling and hearing them tell me no. And then know I was going to be in more trouble with him tonight. And then, I asked him if I could still have Biscuit (a friend of ours who details our vehicles for us) come do my car this week. I asked if that counted as money I can’t spend. He told me yes, that counts. He told me I could clean my car myself. Awhile later, he called. He said that if I contacted the seller, AND they’d still take them back and refund me, I could still have Biscuit come do my car. Otherwise, he’d better see me with a clean car in the driveway when he gets home. I was so excited when I finally got ahold of the sellers and they said I could still return them!! I text Adam and I asked him to pleeeeease print off the label I needed for the box at his work for me because our printer still isn’t even set up since our move. After a little back and forth texts, he text back that yes, he would print it for me. This is when I told him thank you and that I won’t ask Biscuit to do my car this week even.

I think I’ve dodged a bullet today. I’m pretty sure Adam isn’t going to feel the need to spank me or to ground me from anything else tonight now. I still haven’t asked if this means I can buy fun things again? I suppose that wouldn’t be a good idea, yet. I honestly respect Adam even more when he handles my shit this way sometimes. Sometimes I need him to punish me with a spanking. Sometimes, I need him to be more creative. I know danged well that if I hadn’t obeyed him with this more creative punishment, I’d have not sat down comfortably for several days. I didn’t want that. I fully intend to obey him in this. I’m so, so glad that things worked out this way today. I can breathe and the sinking feeling in my belly is all better now. I was especially afraid of the spanking he might give me if they wouldn’t have taken them back. Not that he’d hurt me in any extensive kind of way, just that I already had a lot of guilt and felt foolish. I was totally willing to accept these other things he has punished me with. Now I’m excited for him to come home and I can have a clear conscience tonight!

I am taking a break. Been up since 5:00am. I got kids up and off to school. Planned out this week’s supper menu and bought all the groceries I need to make them. I got breakfast dishes washed and threw a load of laundry in the washer. Made our bed. Got myself ready for the day. Fed the dogs. Swept all the hardwood floors and dusted the front room. Still need to vacuum, but I decided to sit for a minute and take a break. I’ve been searching for these frozen egg noodles I use to make chicken noodle soup and beef and noodles. Tried every store near us and nobody seems to ever have them. So, I looked online and found I can order a big ol case of them for like $63. I showed Adam yesterday and said I know it’s ridiculous, but I really want these so I can make those things again. We can put them in the deep freezer and I won’t have to worry about buying them again for awhile. This morning I text him and asked “Can I buy those frozen egg noodles?” He wrote right back, “Sure!” My hubby’s so good to me ❤️

Saturday morning, Jackie could not stop talking about the night before when Adam picked me up off the ground, lifted his knee in the air, threw me over it, and spanked me. He wasn’t even upset, really. Just sort of reminding me to watch my mouth with him. She has asked me so many questions, but not out of shock and horror, she’s intrigued. She’s seen him slap my butt. I’ve told her bits and pieces of situations and arguments. She mentioned how she was proud of Adam because she didn’t know he really did “wear the pants”. Until I opened up and really explained our relationship, she believed it was all a game. Like Adam was pretending to be in charge sometimes. She invited her guy friend over. We call him “Super Trooper” because he’s a cop. He really likes Jackie and he’s a nice guy. Maybe too nice, though? Adam and I watched her pushing and testing him all evening. My mouth dropped open in absolute shock at some of the things she was saying to him! I told Adam, I cannot even begin to imagine trying to talk to you like that! He told me exactly what I knew he’d do if I tried it. Jackie was so obviously just begging this guy to stand the fuck up to her. It’s an interesting thing to observe from the outside. He did slap her behind a few times and put her into one of those “cop holds” so she couldn’t move for a minute. She so clearly wanted to know if he would do anything. And if so, what?

This afternoon, we talked some more and I gave her the best analogy I could come up with to describe why I’m good with Adam taking charge and spanking me, even when I’m not enjoying it.

Let’s say Adam and I are walking down a sidewalk alongside a busy highway. We start to argue and we’re both getting pissed off. I decide to pull away from him and step off the curb into oncoming traffic. Adam has 3 options now. 1) He can do nothing. If I get hit by a car, that’s on me. 2) He could push me further into the street because he’s angry. 3) He could grab my arm and pull me right the heck off the damn street and back onto the sidewalk where it’s safe. Of these three options, which one makes you feel most loved and protected? Which would give you reason to seriously respect your man? Well, that’s how I look at it. No, it isn’t always fun. It isn’t always easy. We don’t always get it right.

My best friend is taking in all of this, and she’s never had good luck with men. She either dated someone who is abusive and cruel. Or she goes out with really nice guys who let her walk all over them. I would love for her to find what I have. It has blown her mind to learn that Adam isn’t just a pushover. He adores me and he wants to give me the world, but he will not let me walk all over him. Thank God. Because watching her speak to Super Trooper like that was torturous.

I have known my best friend, Jackie, for nearly 20 years. We were still kids when we became neighbors and we met as teenagers. We used to sneak away so we could hide somewhere and smoke cigarettes. We told each other everything. Still do. She has been with me through my marriage, my babies being born, losing my mom. She has always been my kids cool aunt. She hasn’t had much luck with relationships. Her childhood was riddled with trauma and abuse causing negative patterns that continued well into adulthood for her. She’s working on herself and I’m very proud of who she’s becoming recently. She finished the lease on her apartment and has moved into our house. We have a walk out apartment area in our basement and she is staying there hoping to save money for a house of her own. Adam doesn’t mind her staying here and I love having her around.

Last night, we set up corn hole (an outdoor game with bags you throw into a hole). We hadn’t done that in awhile because it’s been way too hot, but it was beautiful out last night. Jackie, a guy friend of hers, Adam, and I threw the bags and, as always, Jackie and I were kicking ass and taking names. This is the one game where I can beat Adam consistently. Not always, but most always. We had my little bose speaker playing music and a fridge full of beer in the garage. Everybody, except Adam, had a pretty good buzz going from the drinks. He enjoys sitting back and watching me get a “beer buzz” because I’m a silly, happy kind of drunk. I don’t get sloppy and wasted. Just loosened up and goofy. Somehow, the conversation went to a couple of weeks ago when I’d told Jackie that I hadn’t done several things Adam had warned me to get done. She laughed and told me to stomp on the floor real hard 3 times if I needed her to come busting into our room. It was just a joke. Then, the other night when Adam was away and her and I stayed up talking until nearly 4:00am, she asked me what ever happened with that. I told her the truth. Adam spanked me! She just giggled and said we were “so kinky”. She isn’t necessarily wrong. We are pretty great together in bed. That was that. Until last night. I was getting a little bit too “mouthy” toward Adam and I called him an asshole for what I perceived as cheating in our game of corn hole. He leaned over me and gave me a few hard swats on my behind and told me “Keep it up”. That’s a clear and obvious warning for me to not “keep it up”. Jackie says “Holy crap! Did that hurt??” I laughed and told her that was nothing! This lead to a whole explanation about why I’m ok with it, but yes, it does hurt. I think she had just then realized that Adam isn’t always just playing with me. Sometimes, he means it. And, he really is “the boss”. I told her some things I’ve already written here about how literally every other relationship I have with my family and friends, even strangers most times, I am the bossy one. I have naturally been the one who leads since I was a child. Adam is the one and only person who usurps my leadership role and I’m so grateful for it. I don’t think it occurred to Jackie that maybe I need somebody like me. I even mentioned Adam had been making me call him “sir” sometimes. It blew her mind that I can be made to do anything! I think I’ve been afraid to say too much about this stuff because I was afraid that I could lose the respect of “my people”. When I say my people, I mean my family and friends. The people who matter to me. I knew Jackie assumed it was just us being kinky, and I left it that way. For some reason, maybe the alcohol, I decided to let her hear the truth. It felt good to do that. I don’t have secrets from her. I could immediately see that it didn’t change the way she thinks of me, but it did change the way she thinks of Adam. She has a new level of respect for him now, too. Like, if he can tell me what to do, he must be one hell of a leader himself! I’m okay with that. I like for people to see what I do in my husband. To respect him. To understand what he is to me.

I’m a little tired today after staying up late and drinking. Adam went into work for awhile this morning. I think tonight is going to be a quiet night. Adam can grill some pork chops, I’ll make some pasta salad and my famous lemon and pepper green beans. We can sit on the deck and just hang out. ❤️

Adam and I have been having really good conversations the last few nights. It occurred to me that it might almost seem as if I’ve done or said things because I actually wanted Adam to spank me. Like it’s just a sexy, fun game we’re playing. Adam slaps my ass all the time. That is sexy and fun. I’m never out doing stupid shit because I want to make him angry, though. Teasing, playing around, yes. Being disrespectful and not following through with things, that’s never because I think a spanking would be fun. I got to thinking about it. Let’s say you’re not wearing your seatbelt, you speed through a work zone and nearly rear ended the car in front of you. You see the red and blue lights come on in your rear view mirror, and you have to pull over. Would any of us have been doing those things specifically because you wanted to get pulled over? Heck no! You’ve been reckless, and you’ve been caught now. Here are your options. You could get a speeding ticket, OR you can go to prison. If you had to pick, which one would most of us prefer? I know I’d take the speeding ticket. I don’t want one. Now my insurance rates will increase. I have hundreds of dollars I have to pay in fines. However, that’s most definitely the better alternative to being sent to prison.

Adam and I had one of those WW3 kind of fights last weekend. That’s “prison”, for me. 10 out of 10 times I would tell you I’d prefer the “speeding ticket”. Did I want him to spank me? No. I wanted to give him hell and to get away with it. At least, I did in the moment. Looking back, I so wish he’d have just spanked me for the way I acted and then I could’ve calmly explained my own upset in our situation. I’d have been remorseful for my part in it, he would no longer be angry or need to punish me, and I could then talk to him about the reasons I was feeling hurt and frustrated.

We don’t always handle ourselves well. These WW3 type fights are very rare. In these instances, I would most definitely prefer a “speeding ticket”. Hell, a “warning” has worked before! Adam and I have talked a lot about this over the last few days. I don’t give him serious reasons to want to spank me very often. Maybe I get mouthy every few weeks. I am a smart ass most of the time. I usually use my wit for good, but I can be disrespectful toward him with my attitude at times. I hadn’t neglected my “job” here at home for a very long time, until recently. I’ve been on track and haven’t let anything else slide so far. I’ve done very good with that lately. There are times, probably like once a year, if not longer in between, when I just go all in. I’m being a bitch, and I know it. I don’t care. I know I’m not handling myself the way I should be. I know I’m not helping the situation by continuing to poke and prod at Adam in an effort to get him as angry as I am. I want him to feel what I feel. To see what I’m seeing. Once I have sufficiently pissed him off, it’s game on. The truth is, I never want it to go that far. Inside, I am screaming for him to make this stop. To end this. To assure me that he is still in control and this isn’t going to happen again. I’ve talked to him about these things plenty. I’ve told myself that I won’t let it get like that next time. I remind myself how deeply I really do desire to show my husband respect. I still fail sometimes. The very best thing to have come out of this is the brutal and unwavering honesty that has followed. I tell Adam everything. I don’t have secrets from him. The biggest reason for my upset when we fight is that I feel he doesn’t care about the things I’ve opened up about during many previous conversations. He knows everything to do and say that will rip my heart out in the moment. But, I won’t give up. I refuse to. One day, we will successfully navigate even the biggest arguments so well that they’ll never be allowed to grow into tremendous fights that hurt us both. I love that we have spent every evening this week talking. We’ve talked about all of these things. My confidence has been restored. I believe in my husband. I have faith in us. I am not going to go forward and try to screw up because I prefer it when Adam is proud of me. Inevitably, I will do something or say something stupid again, and I really do have complete confidence in my husband’s ability to handle it well, like he does most always.