This Tops my Shit List

Yesterday afternoon, I sent Adam a long text saying how I felt and why. The more I thought about the situation, the less sorry I felt about it. I did not feel guilty, the way I do when I agree I’ve done something wrong. Adam responded, “I understand that [Eve]. But you think I’m just going to wither away or be so stressed out I can’t function. I am the man of the house and you WILL communicate with me better about our finances. That is being a team. And before you say anything silly like what I do at work I don’t have to ok with you, I would say eat me.” Part of me was impressed! Way to go, Adam! I got chills when I first read those texts, both from fear that, maybe he really did mean it? And, it was very sexy to see him hold his ground. There was another part of me, though. That part said to herself, Oh, that’s cute, the way he’s trying to sound tough, but it ain’t gonna work. I’m holding my ground. I’m not sorry. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. I don’t even feel like he thinks I did anything wrong! If I hadn’t questioned myself, from the start, he wouldn’t even be saying all of this. He didn’t care until I opened my big fuckin’ mouth.

Look, I know the “right” thing to do would’ve been very simply, to let go of my pride and submit. To acknowledge that, Adam is asking this of me, and whether or not I agree with it, I’m going to work to give him respect by obeying him. I think I was most frustrated, because I didn’t believe he cared nearly as much as he was claiming to. I felt he was probably “pretending” to seriously give a crap about something that was not an issue, at any point. By the time he got home, I was convinced I was right. Not only about how I’d dealt with the pest company’s bullshit, but I was right that he wasn’t going to spank me, because it wasn’t a big deal!

We went in circles for awhile, and finally, I asked him what he wanted me to say, and very sassy me, in a Marilyn Monroe style voice, said, “Yes sir. Whatever you wish, dear.” I think that’s probably the most disrespectful shit I’ve said to him in months. Looking back, I can’t believe I was brave/stupid/disrespectful enough to actually do that! This morning, writing this, I do feel pretty awful for speaking to my husband like that. I was a lot of things wrong, yesterday. Things I don’t want to be. Disrespectful, number one! Disobedient, number two. I failed to allow Adam to lead.

By refusing to just do as he said, I went against everything I’m trying to accomplish. My head is a mess. My heart is a mess. My emotions are a mess. I honestly think either, in my refusal to comply, I convinced him that maybe I was right. Or, he was afraid to be too hard on me, and he didn’t want to be a jerk. I don’t want him to be mean!!! I’ve been so very proud of how calm and careful he’s been, even when he’s really angry with me. The way he can still show me love, even when he brings out his “hard hands”. That makes me respect the hell out of him! I just didn’t believe he was serious about what he was saying to me. I didn’t believe I needed to tell him about a non existent bill we didn’t have to worry about. I could handle it.

I’m feeling guilty. Not about the pest company crap. About how I diminished my husband’s power and authority. Of all the shitty things I’ve done, over the last several months, this tops my list. I know how deeply I want my husband to feel confident enough to lead well. I know how important it’s been to him, and to me, that I show him respect, even and especially, when it’s hard for me to do that.

We still haven’t really “finished” that conversation. Adam didn’t punish me or even get a chance to do much. We had a family emergency that came up. That took immediate priority. We went to bed late. I slept in his arms, like always. He tucked the blankets around me, when he got up. He gave me a kiss on my forehead, before he left for work. I have sent him a, very long, text message, acknowledging all of the ways I was wrong, last night. I’m not quite sure what’s going to happen. This isn’t what I want for us. I wish I could take back the way I acted. I can’t explain why I can be so stubborn!? I did start my period, this morning. Not that I can just blame my hormones rather than myself. I had been doing such a great job. Yes, I sometimes do silly shit that I shouldn’t. I haven’t been so incredibly disrespectful in a very long time, though. I feel horrible.

3 thoughts on “This Tops my Shit List

  1. Eve, you and Adam are in a loving relationship which involves a give and take, mutual responsibilities, each knowing and giving what the other needs, true Adam is the man of the home, you are the lady of the house having your own responsibilities. Adam trusts you but wants and needs to be kept involved in everything within the family circle. It seems to me that you like to push Adam’s buttons to see how far you can go and what the results will be to you behind. Hope all worked out well for your family emergency. Sir

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I get incredibly frustrated when I feel like he is making a big deal out of something small. When I was so proud that I was able to handle something, without putting it on him, and then he said I’d done something WRONG. In my mind, I was being strong for my husband, how and where I could, by not dumping unnecessary worry on him. Something I KNEW I had covered. My ego gets in the way, too often.

      Like

  2. You just made another step forward in your search for of submission when you sent that text about where you were wrong. It says a lot that when you said something disrespectful you immediately felt bad about it. Many many wives today would not had that reaction.
    Hang in there. You’re growing in submission. You really are. I believe most if not all your readers are proud of you. I am.
    Thanx bunches for an insightful and honest text,!!

    Like

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