I sent my last blog post to Adam, the other day. After I’d sent it to him, it dawned on me, I hadn’t even told him about the recent things my mother’s done to try to get to us. By get to us, I mean cause us pain and misery. Sneaking her way into our lives, through other people we care about. Using these people to create chaos, and disrupt our happiness. I wouldn’t let it get to me, though. I was so successful in my refusal to acknowledge her attempts, I completely forgot to mention it to Adam. Maybe I didn’t exactly forget, but I wasn’t using a moment of our time together, through the holidays, to waste my breath discussing my mother’s latest bullshit.
I feel like the “high” I had over the holidays, is beginning to wear off. All of the planning and excitement is over. It’s time to start putting the Christmas decorations away, until next year. The kids will be starting back to school. Real life is resuming.
I know myself pretty damn well. Because of this, I am getting scared of the possibility that a day will soon come, when I’ll have reached my capacity for other people’s bullshit. Historically, when that day came, I would reach said limit when someone I deeply love does or says something that would’ve slid right past me, otherwise. Nuclear meltdown begins, and my overwhelming wrath gets spilled out onto whoever happens to be in my path. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to “explode”. I can feel my patience thinning, though. I sense myself drawing nearer to my boiling point, and I’m not quite sure how to release the pressure that’s building.
I suppose I just need to put down my “armor” and expose myself to the people I trust right now. I should talk about it. That seems like such a simple solution, but it just isn’t that easy! When? When is a good time to tell Adam or Jackie I’m struggling. I always try so hard to be strong and to be that safe place for my people to come to. I can tell that Jackie isn’t herself right now. Adam’s got crap at work. So, when? How? I have held onto this happy face I’m wearing, so wouldn’t it be such a shock to look at Adam or Jackie and tell them, I’m not as okay as I look or sound or act? I’m truly great, most always. My issue is that I let things “simmer” for too long. I push my own troubles down as far as I can, but they resurface. I run out of energy to continue pushing down the same things. It really is exhausting!
I don’t want to hurt my people. I have to be mature enough to handle my emotions in ways that don’t end up with me losing my shit on someone I love. Maybe this is my New Year’s resolution. Yep. I’m going to work on that.