Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

“You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be”

“Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again”

~Danny Gokey

I’m not going to pretend like it’s been easy, knowing my mother was here. She was somewhere so close, but the distance between us cannot be traveled. Even if she’s only minutes from me. I’ve seen pictures and videos, from social media. Even though I don’t have it, I have friends who do. They send me things. I’ve had to answer questions from well meaning people, who know me. They’ll ask me if my mom is here, and whether she’ll be coming to Easter dinner with my family. I have to explain, over and over again, that no, my mother will never be in my life again. That’s not particularly easy to do, either. I don’t even care if it makes me seem like a horrible daughter. I’m protecting myself, and most importantly, my family. We had an unexpected knock on our door, the other night. My heart sank into my stomach. Adam got the door. It was just a package, being dropped off. I have had to live guarded, much more than usual, until she’d gone back to where she came from. She’s gone now, and I’m glad for it.

I wasn’t wallowing in my sorrows, while I knew she was close by. I actually had a pretty great week. Although my “circle” seems to have gotten smaller, the ones who belong here are my loyal family and friends. They’re the ones who understand me. They know the reasons for my “whys, whats, and hows”. They don’t question my choices, because they’ve been here with me, through my struggles. They love me. That means so much more to me, than having 1000 “friends” who don’t care to know me, unless there’s gossip they’re curious about. I’m just so grateful for “my people”.

It was a busy last several days. I had to get our taxes finished. I had a whole bunch of errands. The kids have been very busy, at school. There’s been some sort of activity, everyday. I also woke up with a raging kidney infection, a couple days about. They come on super quickly, and always angry as hell. It’s not a slow, gradual buildup. Just, bam. So, I wasn’t feeling the best. Getting much better now, though.

Mj is spending the night at Justin and Jackie’s place. She’s been wanting to have a sleepover. Tomorrow, Jackie and I are going to steam eggs, for deviled eggs. I’ve got to pick up a few things for Easter dinner, but we’re mostly prepared for it. Wyatt, Mj, and I are going to make the desserts tomorrow, too. Adam’s going to grill some chicken for us, tomorrow evening. I’ve already got potato and pasta salads ready for us to have with our chicken. This way, I won’t have to do much cooking, for supper. I can get everything I need to ready for Sunday. Our Easter dinner will consist of a honey ham, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, corn, green bean casserole, rolls, deviled eggs, a veggie tray, Oreo and banana cream pies. I always think back to what my grandma served us, on holidays. That’s how I plan our holiday menus. Tonight, I just made Mj’s favorite hot ham and cheese sandwiches, and onion rings.

I’m exhausted! I need to go to bed. I just wanted to write here, and catch up on the last two days here. I will definitely write more, tomorrow. I had a small incident, with Adam, but it’s fine now. I’m too tired to explain tonight, though. Goodnight!