M.I.A…

I’m sorry I haven’t updated here. It’s been a busy couple of days. Also, I was not feeling very good, yesterday. I text Jackie, Saturday night. I’d told her I was fixing to take a darned pregnancy test.

Jackie got here right as my delivery driver was bringing me one of those magic sticks to pee on, so I could figure out whether I’d be able to actually drink the beer I’d opened, or not. Y’all, I’ve never taken a negative pregnancy test. Every time I did, I was pretty sure I was pregnant. This amped up my anxiety about whether I’d see one line, or two. Jackie came into my bathroom with me, and read the instructions, while I did my part of the test taking. I put the cap on the little stick, sat it on a paper towel, right on the bathroom counter, and we waited.

I’m not going to lie, I was seriously relieved to see the result. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I’m scared to have another baby. I almost died, having Mj. I hemorrhaged, passed out, and woke up with a team of doctors and nurses working over me. I lost my first baby boy, in my second trimester. My next was born over 2 months early. My last, I had to go in and get shots in my hip, every single week, to help me keep her in longer. I still wound up spending 5 months on bed rest, and half a dozen trips to the hospital, because I’d started having contractions. Don’t get me wrong, my babies are WORTH IT! If I found out another one was coming, I would immediately love him or her, too. It’s just, I have taken several steps to ensure that another baby doesn’t happen. The only thing I was sorry about, was Jackie’s disappointment. Also, Adam had seemed to be expecting a positive result. I’m not sure whether he was being encouraging, and sounding like he might be pretty okay with it, because he wanted to comfort me? Or, was he disappointed, when my test wasn’t positive?

My relief lasted a whole day. Yesterday, I felt “off”. Bloated, moody, and my boobs ached bad enough, it had kept me up during the night before. Wyatt had a baseball game, and I was scheduled to work in the concession stand. I sucked it up, put on a smile, and went to his game. Adam came, after he’d gotten off from work, to relieve my concession duties. Mj and I went home, and made supper. I just heated up some frozen pizzas. It was almost 9:00pm, by the time Adam and Wyatt got home. Adam knew I was feeling crummy. He held me, and rubbed my back, in the shower. When we got in bed, he pulled me over, on top of him, and softly ran his fingertips up and down my back. I couldn’t stay like that for as long as I’d have liked to. My dang boobs are sore. That’s when Adam realized they were bothering me. He told me he wants me to go see the doctor.

This morning, I felt crappy enough that I’d fully intended to call and make an appointment. After I’d been up a few hours, I’d started feeling better. The only thing is, I’m still a little crampy. Also, my boobs still hurt, but I don’t think it’s as bad as the last couple days. I don’t feel tired and miserable, though, like I did yesterday. I suspect it’s just a weird month, and my period will come any day. I have one more pregnancy test. If I haven’t gotten my period, by Friday morning, I’m going to take it. Then, providing the test is negative, I’ll go see the doc if I don’t get my period by the time the next one is due. It’s TMI, but I am incredibly “regular”. I’ve kept track on my health app, since 2014. 24-26 days between periods, like clockwork, always. I did have some weird “spotting” for a couple days, about a week and a half after my last period, though. I honestly attributed that to the vigorous sex Adam and I’d had, the night before it began. It wasn’t anything like a typical period is, so I was sure that was the cause? Maybe that’s why I’m late? Maybe it wasn’t caused by what I’d thought it was, and my body is just out of whack, all the sudden? I’ve also had no problems providing natural lubrication, in the bedroom. Vaginal dryness is a sign you’re starting to run low on eggs, and beginning menopause. My sex drive is 100% in tact. I’ve never had a “hot flash” before. On the contrary, I’m cold until it’s at least 75 degrees. So, who knows what’s goin on with me??

I’m definitely not pregnant, for now.