Hard Days

You wouldn’t know what it’s like to dance in the rain 
Never see the silver lining when the skies go grey 
You wouldn’t know a dream come true from a few that don’t 
You’d never find your way on a broken road

If you never had hard days 
If you never had a heartbreak 
Never had more than you can take 
Or carried the weight 
Of life on your shoulders 
Would you feel like you earned it? 
Would you live with a purpose? 
Or ever known your own strength 
If you never had hard days

~Brantley Gilbert

Life has been busy, lately, but in the best way. I sort of “catch” myself, in the process of making sweet memories, and become acutely aware that, at least inside this moment, I feel “full”. Almost as if I’m viewing myself in third person. I can observe not only who and what’s around me, and where we are, but also reflect on what, where, who I am, and how “she’s” doing. How “she’s” feeling, right now. It almost surprises me, discovering that what didn’t seem possible anymore, in fact could be. That in spite of the intentions of some, or of theirs and even my own assumptions, I can actually be happy and “whole”. Surrounded by old, as well as new faces, I’m still capable of finding fulfillment. I’ve had a lot of fun, this Summer. I’m less guarded, overall. No longer carrying the weight of all those heavy emotions, everywhere I go. Things I didn’t think I’d ever be able to set down, if only for a little while. I won’t pretend it’s never there. It isn’t always, though. For me, that’s an incredible blessing. I can do more than merely survive. I don’t need to always be cautiously playing defense, just waiting for the next heartbreak. I can relax, relatively confident that those around me aren’t plotting a new offensive attack, against me. I’ve got people who truly support and encourage me. People who comfort and protect me. People who genuinely do celebrate my successes. I’d like to say that no doubt or worry remain. I’d be lying. It’s very hard for me to trust absolutely. There are times, when my mind’s voice whispers reminders of how, and by whom, I’ve been so deeply hurt. Those seeds of fear can quickly grow, and easily convince me to question my safety. It’s much less scary, for me, to “shut down”. To close myself off to any and everyone. I think that’s why it’s so unexpected, peering into my own life, and seeing a girl who isn’t fearful and burdened. A girl who isn’t constructing illusions, trying to at least appear content in her skin. Happy, even. I’m not concealing my sadness, hurt, worry, and doubt. Hiding them behind the socially acceptable mask I wore, because of how afraid I was to let anyone really see me. Not because those feelings are gone, but because they no longer haunt my every waking moment. Hell, they’d even chased me into my sleep. The best part is that I’m not consciously putting effort into preventing the negativity from entering. I don’t have to consider it. It doesn’t require my constant attention, allowing me virtually no privacy. For the most part, if I’m honest, that seems to be contained within designated, specific areas. I do open the doors they’re behind, when I need to. It’s a rare occasion, these days, that those doors are flung open by what’s inside, or at the insistence of anyone who enjoys disturbing my peace. I don’t expect it all to disappear. I’m pretty sure there’ll be no getting rid of it. Even if I could do that, I wouldn’t. It occurs to me, banishing all the hurt feelings would mean giving up large parts of my own humanity. You’d have to be heartless, a narcissistic megalomaniac, to actually be able to banish people or things from memory, altogether. I can’t simply “turn off” the love I’ve had for somebody. I don’t hate anyone. I wouldn’t even say I don’t love those no longer welcome in my life. I truly believe I do yet hold real love, for them. Some more than others, but still, there’s love. While some will stay relegated to my past, I’m not wishing they wouldn’t continue to exist, just because it’s not with me.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to chase the new hopes and dreams I’m imagining. I’m so very thankful for what I have, and who I get to call my family and friends. I’m glad to see all the good, around me. I’m proud to know I can be an active participant in the good they count as their own blessings. I’m not just a burden. I’m a wife, a mama, a daughter, sister, and a friend. It was a great try, but hate, hurt, and selfishness haven’t won.

Mikayla and Brooklyn’s dad came to visit, last week. We had everyone, including him, over. It had been rainy, so we decided on making BLT’s for supper. My dad, and his girlfriend, were here. All my girls, and a couple extra friends, came. We all swam and played cornhole, later. We also celebrated Mikayla’s birthday. I got stuff to make s’mores and pudgie pies, over the fire pit. It was just so darned nice, having fun with everyone! It makes me happy, that my oldest girls’ father can spend time with us, and we all can get along and have a great time. I know it means a lot to my girls, having everyone they love all together. I even caught a photo of a rainbow!