Said goodbye, turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone
Faded into the setting sun
Slipped away
But I won’t cry
‘Cause I know I’ll never be lonely
For you are the stars to me
You are the light I follow
I will see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me
‘Til I see you again
I can hear those echoes in the wind at night
Calling me back in time
Back to you
In a place far away where the water meets the sky
The thought of it makes me smile
You are my tomorrow
I will see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me
‘Til I see you again
~Carrie Underwood
After the car accident, our niece had been life flighted to a bigger hospital, a few hours from her home. When it became clear, she wasn’t coming back to life, her parents made the decision to have her transferred back home. She was taken to a teeny tiny community hospital, in their town, for end of life care.
When we all arrived, there were some guys, standing near the parking area, with her most recent show calf.
Her dog, Chevy, was also brought into the hospital, to say goodbye. We surrounded her, as prayers were said. When it was time to remove her life support, only her parents and twin brother stayed beside her. Everyone else waited outside, in the hallway. Within only 15-20 minutes, her room door opened. Her mama stumbled out, and then collapsed. We entered her room, for the final time. Mj wanted to see her, one last time. I don’t actually prefer to do that. I’d rather carry the memories of my loved ones, in life, but I wasn’t about to let my baby go in alone. She approached her cousin, and grabbed hold of her hand, like she’d done for so many days prior. Only this time, my Mj broke down. She sobbed, Mama, her hands are cold now! I held myself together, because I had to. I’d held it together, earlier that day, too. I wanted to break, when I’d watched as a nurse gently cut locks of our niece’s hair. I held back the enormous emotions, when my baby helped take her cousin’s fingerprints, and recorded her heartbeats. There were others, who I needed to stay strong for. Most of all, my babies. It wasn’t until the morning after we’d returned home, that I finally allowed myself to acknowledge the weight of all I’d been carrying. I’d been well aware, once I broke that dam, a flood of emotions would pour out. This is a pain unlike any other. I’ve witnessed grief that surpassed my understanding. I’ve looked into the eyes of people I love and care about, and seen hurt beyond measure. Losing our niece, as incredibly tragic as it is, truly is not what’s carving the deepest wounds in me. It’s the impact of her death, on those I love, who are still here. That’s the irreconcilable ache, that’s taken hold of me.
Still, the earth keeps spinning. Life continues to move forward, in spite of everything.
Mj didn’t want to go trick or treating, for Halloween, at first. Thankfully, her friends have been a huge support, and she did decide to go ahead and go out with them. We carved pumpkins. They watched scary movies. She dressed up as Kenny, from South Park. She was able to have some fun, some childhood, in the midst of this. I’m so grateful for it, too.
Tomorrow, we’ll be making the long drive to Kansas. Our niece’s wake will be tomorrow evening, with funeral services following, on Tuesday.
If I’m honest, I think I’m a little bit “numb”, yet. I’m just trying to be a good mama, a good wife, a good family member and friend. That’s really about all that anybody can do, right now. I’m doing the best I know how to.
