Month: September 2026

Featured

Fuckin Perfect

Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that’s alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss No-Way-It’s-All-Good
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look, I’m still around

Pretty pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less than fucking perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing. You’re fucking perfect to me

You’re so mean, when you talk about yourself
You were wrong, change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead

~Pink

Things have been pretty damn okay. My sister, and my little niece, were here for about 10 days. We had a blast! It was hot, so we swam in the pool a couple times. It was also a lot of fun, just sitting in my kitchen, and having someone to chat with. Someone who knows and understands me. Somebody I don’t need to explain myself to, because she already knows my heart.

I recognize I’m sort of an “acquired taste”. Pretty much every friend I’ve ever made, at some point got the impression that I was cold, or just a bitch. I’m not defending it, or saying that it’s wrong, but the truth is, it takes a long time to peel back all my “layers”. It’s not that I think I’m particularly complicated. I’m not shy, either. I don’t intend to be distant, or closed off. I really can’t help it. Only with enough time invested, will anyone begin to gather up enough of the pieces to get a decent picture of who I am. Maybe more importantly, why. For as long as I’ve been aware, that’s simply the way I was. If anything, life’s increased the amount of time it takes for someone to truly know me. It’s hard for me to trust others, or to let them in. Every time I’ve been let down, lied to, betrayed, and deeply wounded, has made that even more difficult. As badly as I do crave the comfort of friendships, I can’t let my guard down. It’s not something one could force, or fake. I definitely don’t want to be disingenuous.

Getting to know me happens in small doses, given the benefit of patience and understanding. I will expose my hopes and dreams, my worries and fears, my hurt and heartbreaks, slowly. Eventually, if you’re still willing to hang onto those drips and drops, without spilling them, to shame, blame, and discard me, you’ll find I’m capable of pouring myself out. I’ll protect your secrets. I’ll listen and help in any way I can, from day one. I just won’t allow my own needs to be met, unless and until I feel safe. I’d much rather suffer in silence, than do so in front of an audience, who might mock my pain. I will not pass out knives, and then expose my back, making myself a helpless victim! Fuck that.

I’m not insensitive. I’m not uncaring. I’ve got so much real, pure love. I want to share something meaningful. I want nothing more than to make a difference, to leave something positive for others. That’s the contradiction, the part that’s easy to miss. It’s not that I think you’re not worth it. I’m afraid I won’t be worthy.

I’ve got no interest in replacing the empty spaces, that someone else used to occupy. It isn’t that easy, anyhow. I’ve accepted that there are doors that must remain closed, but I also need to take a chance on opening new ones, if I want to have company. I wish that were easier for me to do, though.

♥️

Featured

Ghost

It’s 3am, all I have left is the ghost of you You were the one I could run to; to get me through Now it feels like I’m the one to blame And now it feels like I have something to explain

You’re in my DM’s now that I have ghosted you I was the one you thought you could run back to Now it feels like I’m the one to blame And now it feels like I have something to explain

You are the ghost of my summer nights When the moon is the only light And I’m still tryna catch a vibe But I’m chasing memories You are the ghost of my summer nights When the moon is the only light And I’m still tryna chase a high But I’m chasing memories

~Nate Vickers

They say that life is a gift. In many ways, they’re right. For those fortunate enough to live awhile, eventually you realize it isn’t quite what any of us were expecting. There are so many amazing things to be had, moments we all cherish. There’s marriages, and births. The thrill of taking a joyride, in a fast car. There’s the excitement, when you finally sign the deed to your very own home. There’s the ecstasy, while making love. We all crave the comfort in knowing we’re wanted, valued, and safe. But, there’s also divorce, and deaths. There are car crashes, foreclosures, and sometimes people turn their backs on us. I can think of countless examples of things that brought me the highest highs, before taking me down to the lowest of lows.

I was thinking today, about all of this. It really struck me, realizing life’s actually settled into a new normal. Whatever normal is. I’m a bit nervous to even think about it, let alone “say” it aloud. I wonder if I’ll ever get to a point where I’m not at least half expecting the ground beneath me to cave in, again and again, and then again. This life has taught me that down can feel like up. Right can feel like wrong, and wrong can feel right. Bad can feel good, and good sometimes feels real bad. Jelly Roll sang the profound song lyrics, “she feels like she’s flying, while we’re all watching her fall”. Most of us hold within us a true desire to do right, and to be a good human. Unfortunately, our intentions can mean very little, to some. It’s perceptions, over our choices, that can make or break us. It’s not simply a matter of truth and lies, what’s real, and what isn’t. Not even undeniable proof is always capable of destroying, or of salvaging, every damaged relationship. I believe that accepting uncomfortable truths requires much more than evidence. Telling the truth takes courage, as well as humility. There has got to be trust, before truth can exist. We must find faith in something. In that same breath, we also need to admit we’ve all got our blind spots. We’re flawed and imperfect beings, who can, will, and do make mistakes.

There are occasions, when we’re forced to decipher what’s accident, versus blatantly on purpose. It’s certainly not always easy, because malice can be concealed behind deep and dangerous deception. Discernment is particularly difficult, with those we love. When our inclination is to defend the ones we care about, ignoring or too quickly forgiving their clear trespasses against us. Eventually, the inevitable can take place, shattering the supports you leaned on, leaving no choice but to decide which path to take. Do you stand up, or will you lie down? Can you stand? Should you lay down? “Right” becomes a vague and unclear notion. “Wrong” is a debate you’re suddenly being defined by, while it’s being determined based on accusation and the perverted assumptions of those whom should know better.

Whether and when it’s acceptable for you to seek out the security of a life that resembles some kind of normal, is for nobody else to fucking dictate for you! It is only your conscience, and God, who holds the authority to guide our future. You’re allowed to move on. There are days you’ll summon a strength you didn’t know you had inside yourself. There’ll be days you’ll feel incapable of going forward. Days you wonder if you’re even meant to be here, anymore. Then one day, you’re living life again, and you realize that normal has found its way back to you. Even if it barely resembles the old normal. It’s your new one. I’m choosing to embrace it. Healing and happiness might not come from what was once familiar. It comes, anyway. You will find it. Our journey through life is undoubtedly going to be filled with potholes, dead ends, and plenty of wrong turns. When you find your way back, along the path to your intended destination, very often those detours aren’t just remembered by that scared feeling of being lost. Once the road smooths out, you might actually look back and see it as an unplanned adventure. One you learned from, and could even find moments you’re grateful you got to experience. Not every ache will stop hurting, but it won’t always hurt this much. I so wanted to see even the tiniest light, inside my darkest days. I cried, and I pleaded with God to show me there was a way out. I lost hope, but discovered I’d held onto just enough faith, when I heard Him whisper, open your eyes.