I’ve been alone with my thoughts for awhile this morning, and I just had a very deep realization. My mom has left more than once. She would be angry. I’d have no idea what I did wrong most of the time. I’d think back to something I’d done or said before and explain to myself that this was why. When I was about 11 years old and my brother was 10, she had one of those days. She was angry and yelling and throwing things. We snuck out through the back door and ran about 3 miles, in our bare feet, on a rock road, to our Grandma’s house. This did not turn out to be a wise choice because Grandma called our mother. Fortunately, by the time we were taken home, our dad was home. We got the silent treatment from her. She wouldn’t even look at me. I drew her a picture and wrote her a poem to say I was sorry. I’d made a home made envelope to put my note in and I peeked around the corner when I saw her get up to go get her morning coffee. She threw it in the garbage can without even opening it. She never had any problems calling me a “bitch” a “slut” or plenty of other cruel things. She would yank me out of the bed I was sleeping in and drag me by my hair. Slap my face hard enough she busted my lip open. I walked on eggshells most of my childhood around her. Always wondering what will her mood be now? As a teenager, I completely rebelled. She couldn’t hurt me anymore. I moved out when I was 17 years old. My relationship with her actually got a lot better after my first child was born. She was doing really well and seemed to have completely changed. I think she had, for awhile. About 4 years ago, she started taking a whole variety of prescription meds she got from different “doctors”. She changed into someone I recognized well from my childhood. She could look at me and spew the most hateful things from her mouth and I’d look into her eyes and all I saw was empty nothing. She didn’t give any fucks about me anymore. Or my children. When we finally had to tell her no more, I had to take her to court and ask for a restraining order…against my own mother. Once this happened, she began a war to hurt me in any way that she could. She called child services and claimed I abused my kids. She accused me of still being an addict. I had a brief struggle years ago, but never again. I will never be my mother!!! She turned people who were like family against me with lies she told. She would come over and try to get into our house. Our kids hid in their rooms while she screamed that she would kill everyone inside if we didn’t open the door. She kicked and broke most of my yard lights around my flower bed. Killed a bunch of my flowers by pulling or kicking them out. There was a period of time when I had to prepare my children on where to go hide if my mother came to the house and got inside. There’s so much I could write here, but I think I’ve gotten into it enough for now.

I realized, I have trauma from this. It occurred to me that maybe this is why I’m so afraid that my husband might not love me when I screw up. Maybe this is why I’m so afraid to look into his eyes and not see his love for me in them, even when I’m wrong. Maybe this is also why I so want him to stand up to me before it gets bad. To stop me before I turn into a monster. I need to know that he is looking out for me, for us. I also need to know that he isn’t going to leave me. I have a real fear of that now. One that I didn’t have until the last few years. I never thought of myself as needy or clingy at all. It is so reassuring to hear him remind me that he loves me. To look into his eyes and not ever see hatred. To feel his touch and know that his hands are always guided by love for me. Even when I’m in trouble. Even if he’s got me bent over with his belt on my behind. As long as I always know he loves me, and he’ll never leave me, I feel safe. When he gets upset, even if it comes to the damn belt, he still loves me and wants the very best for me.

I learned this about myself just now. Sitting on the deck, drinking my coffee. I figured out a little more about who I am, what I need, and even why.

Those stupid stinkin’ dish towels…I really did go online and cancel the order. Unfortunately, I found out they were already prepared for shipping and they arrived yesterday afternoon. I put them in our bedroom, on my nightstand. I decided I’m just going to be honest. My first thought was to put them up somewhere until next week so he never had to know about this. I knew that could backfire, though. When Adam gets home, he always comes into the kitchen to kiss me hello and then to our bedroom so he can change out of his work clothes. I followed him into our room and I shut the door and laid it out for him. I told him I really had tried to cancel it, but I couldn’t even prove that because it doesn’t show that I tried anywhere, but please believe me on this. One thing I don’t do is lie to his face. His trust in that is very very important to me. I can’t jeopardize that over some dish towels. He looked at me with a smirk on his face and pulled me in for a hug. He told me he believed me. Then he got out his belt and came over to me. I could tell he wasn’t angry with me. I was still very nervous about that damn belt, though. He playfully smacked my behind once with it, but not hard. He said he wasn’t upset and again told me he believed me. He also mentioned that I saved my ass tonight because he was actually going to ask me to show him my Amazon account orders. Had I chosen not to tell the truth, he would’ve seen those towels were delivered. He told me if I’d done that, he would’ve “whipped my butt” with this, as he held up his belt. Thank GOD I thought better of ever trying to hide this from him. I’m not using the towels until this week is over, but I can keep them.

We usually shower together in the evening. We get to talk alone in there and I’ve learned that being naked and in an enclosed space together can help a lot when you need to say something. I’m vulnerable. I’m in a shower, inside our bathroom, inside our bedroom. I can’t exactly escape quickly when I have soap all in my hair and 3 doors I’d have to go through to get away. I love our time like this every night. We talked about the previous night quite a bit. Just telling each other how we were feeling about it today now. He reminded me that I only have a few more days left and then I can go with Jackie to all the shops I want to again. I am not going to try to even stretch this “rubber band” anymore. I don’t want the belt. And I don’t want Adam to feel disrespected.

Jackie had to go into the office to work today, so I’m home all alone. She usually gets to work from home and chooses her own hours. It’s a lot of fun being able to go out somewhere for an hour or two and hang out. Next week, we already have plans for the places we’re going to! I’m going to be an obedient and respectful wife and mind my husband for this last few days of no buying anything unnecessary. I can do it!

Jackie picked up a worn out ottoman from someone in the neighborhood giving it away. We used some fabric and recovered it last night so it looks brand new. We love to repurpose old things and make them beautiful. Sometimes, sell them and make some money. Sometimes, keep things for ourselves. That’s what we were doing last night in the kitchen when Adam got home. I had enchiladas in the oven and they only had about 5 minutes left. Adam came in and told me “hi boo” and kissed my forehead. We talked about the ottoman we had done and he complimented us on it. Supper was ready so I made up the kids plates and then Jackie and Adam filled theirs. Everybody sat at the table, except for me. I couldn’t eat. When everyone was finished eating, I cleaned the dishes and busied myself in the kitchen. Adam walked in and told me to come with him. I said “I don’t think I want to do that”. He used his man voice and calmly, but sternly told me to get in there, as he pointed to our bedroom. Then he asked Jackie to take the kids out back for a little while. My heart was racing as I walked past him into our bedroom and he shut the door. He asked me to sit down on the bed and I shook my head no. I got the look from him as he repeated himself. He wasn’t asking this time. He was giving an order. I was expecting him to sit down beside me so he could pull me over his lap, but instead, he stood in front of me. He began with the lecture. I honestly can’t remember exactly what he started with, but I know I got asked a lot of questions like “Why are we here?” and “What did I tell you would happen?” I really plead my case, too. I kept repeating to him that I never ever imagined this would be something that “broke the rubber band”! I didn’t think he would care. I honestly thought I was being funny texting him that I’d bought myself something and then telling him it was only a payday candy bar. When five minutes went by without another text from him, I asked him if that made him mad?? I didn’t dream that it would. He told me this is the problem. I don’t take him seriously. He wasn’t exactly happy that I couldn’t understand why it upset him today. He’s been too relaxed and he’s not doing that anymore. We have a walk in closet in our bathroom and he disappeared into it. I started to cry and begged him “Adam, no. Please? You’re scaring me now.” From the closet, he softly replied “I’m not going to scare you. I’m going to help you”. I argued, “I believe you Adam! I understand!” as he walked out, through our bathroom, toward me.

I had seriously considered hiding all of the belts. I even pulled them from the closet a couple of times and then returned them because I was afraid that if he wasn’t going to use one of those bastards, he would if I hid them. I imagined he would see it as being even more disrespectful. Also, I canceled the dish towels I’d ordered even before Adam got home because I figured if a candy bar caused all this, dish towels might be a real bad idea right now. I don’t think I have ever taken my husband more seriously before. I can almost always talk my way out of trouble. Some of the time, I don’t even think I am in the wrong. I tried everything before he got home. I was sweet. I argued my point of view. I even got angry toward the end, when I knew he would be home any minute. My emotions were all over the place. I felt shock, fear, confusion, sadness, anger. I also felt proud of Adam. I do want him to be able to stand up to me. I respect him when he stays calm and I am assured that he still loves me, even right now. He text me and called me “hunny” in one of his messages in our back and forth all day. That simple word included in a text from him told me that, even though he’s upset, he loves me. I’m still his Boo, Hunny, Baby… I feel more safe and loved than ever. I know he isn’t going to hurt me. At least, he isn’t going to hurt my heart. He isn’t going to say anything that damages the trust I have in him. He’s holding onto authority because he isn’t going low and being cruel with the words he’s saying. He’s holding onto authority because he isn’t backing down, either. There’s an older country song that goes “Daddy’s hands weren’t always gentle, but I’ve come to understand that there was always love in daddy’s hands”. I like to think that is Adam, too. Maybe he is upset, but it’s not about taking out his anger on me. It’s about standing firm and never letting me down. Never giving me any doubt that there is love in everything he’s saying and doing. That gives me a security that I can’t describe in words. It means everything to me. I went to sleep in his arms, like any other night. I had a renewed appreciation for my husband. I woke up this morning with a real sense of respect for him. I want to obey. Not just because he can and will pull me over his lap and spank me til I’m sorry! I’d rather not experience that feeling again. At least, not today. But, I also genuinely want to show him that I believe him, and I believe in him. I trust that he means what he is saying. I respect him. I love him forever and a day.

I didn’t say a darned word about no kitchen towels today. I was screwing around thinking it would be funny if I made Adam think I’d done something I wasn’t supposed to, and then told him I’m just kidding. It was just a candy bar. Apparently, he isn’t laughing. And now I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. At first, I didn’t think he was serious. It doesn’t seem like he’s joking with me, though. First time in a very long time when I am not looking forward to him coming home. Seriously can’t believe this is what pushed him too far!!!

I’m feeling 1000% better this morning! Cleaned the kitchen, washed our bedding, picked up toys around the house, and finished arranging some of my Fall decorations.

Yesterday, I got out my kitchen towels that are for Fall with pumpkins, leaves, and such on them. I realized all of them are worn and look old now. I found a set on Amazon that will match my kitchen perfectly, and I ordered them. It didn’t even occur to me that might not be a good idea? I’m honestly not sure what Adam would say? I had also ordered our groceries for the week last night. I’d been saving various things I can’t buy yet in the cart, so I transferred them into “save for later” and got the grocery items. Almost immediately after I did it, I discovered one of the things hadn’t gotten moved to “save for later”. I seriously debated what to do next. It was an accident. I would not be lying. However, I recognized it and had the ability to edit my order and remove it. Ultimately, I removed it. I told Adam about it later and he asked to see my order. I showed him there’s nothing I can’t have on there and he patted my behind and told me “good girl I’m proud of you”. So, this morning I’m feeling kind of guilty about the towels. He might not even care? If my “Alexa show” in the kitchen doesn’t rat me out, I should be fine. Alexa announces orders sometimes and shows what will be arriving that day right on the screen. She can be a real narc. I only have one more week left. Maybe I can just put them away until next week? I am so programmed to just get on my phone, find what I want, and press the order now button. I’ve gotten things like a new scrub brush for the kitchen and laundry detergent. I got some kitchen shears with my grocery order last night because mine are so incredibly dull it’s ridiculous. Adam didn’t mind any of them. He took such good care of me while I was sick. I just hope some kitchen towels don’t come back to bite me in the ass now. Besides some freakin’ air fresheners and kitchen towels, I really have minded him with this.

Well, I ended up buying the air freshener refills and a matching pumpkin spice spray for the house. I had felt like I might be getting a UTI (urinary tract infection) when I’d got up Thursday morning, but figured I could drink lots of water and shake it off. Unfortunately, by late afternoon I had a high fever and my pee looked like nothing but bright red blood. I started to get sick to my stomach by evening and my back ached horribly. I had gotten a pretty bad kidney infection. Spent all night at the hospital getting IV fluids and antibiotics. Came home Friday morning and pretty much spent the next couple days laying on the couch. I’m feeling much better now. The air freshener stuff I bought hadn’t gotten brought up at all until last night. I was talking to Adam and he told me he did notice, but he just wasn’t going to be upset with me about it. I guess I get a pass this time on the count of getting deathly ill! He did tell me not to “push it” with him again and buy anything else I’m not supposed to. I have 8 more days left (I think) before this darned punishment of no buying unnecessary things is over.

I have a whole handful of medication I have to take for awhile, and I hate taking anything. Adam is so sweet. He has alarms on his phone set to remind me to take my different meds when I’m supposed to. Besides all of this excitement the last few days, I don’t have much else to write about yet. I’m going to go lay on the couch with my head in Adam’s lap and take a little nap.

I haven’t even put up most of my Fall decor yet. I LOVE decorating for the seasons. I have red and yellow leaf garland to hang on the mantle. I have some cute Halloween things to put up when we get closer to it. I’m all about the sights and the smells when you walk into my home. Anything pumpkin, apple, or maple wood type candles make it feel pretty in here. I literally get about 2 days out of a new candle because I have it burning most of the day. I am down to the last one I had gotten before I got in trouble for procrastinating again. I got the whole “I have to work a whole hour of overtime to pay for that” speech. And I get that. I’m trying to find ways to get creative and get the Fall smells back until 11 more days pass. The wax cubes I had that we put in my friend’s scentsy warmer don’t really do much. I was disappointed. But an air freshener, that might do the job! I have a few of the Yankee candle plug in things, I just need the refills to put into them now. It’s probably ridiculous. I really want our house to look and smell and feel pretty. I keep our place darned near immaculate. I have some ADD and a bit of OCD tendencies. It’s like I need things to be a certain way or else I go crazy. So, Adam does have a lot of patience with me. He’s the only person in this world who could somewhat “tame” me. Not even my parents could do that when I was a kid. That’s why it shocks people who know me to see Adam put his foot down and to ever see me comply. I probably won’t buy the damn air freshener refills today. I’m not trying to “break the rubber band”. I’m trying to find ways to stretch it out a little is all.

Yesterday, I was texting with Adam about whether I could order stuff for my sister’s baby shower. I’m in charge of planning and we need to get invites out at least because it’s planned for early October. I asked him because I wanted to make sure that wasn’t breaking the rules for my no unnecessary buying for 2 weeks punishment. He told me I could do that. A few hours later, a friend was here and I mentioned how my old scentsy wax warmer had broken when we moved. I have a huge box full of the wax to put in them, but no scentsy anymore. So, she said she has a ton of them and I could use one for now if I wanted. At least til I can buy one for myself. She went and grabbed it to bring for me. We were setting it up and I realized, I should probably make sure this isn’t breaking his rules now?? Ultimately, he told me it was ok as long as I’m not having friends buy shit for me now.

Last night, he said “No more asking me for stuff. If you have to ask, the answer is no”. Then he brought out a belt and he swung it so that it crashed down on the bathroom counter near me, but didn’t hit me. He told me that would be my butt if I don’t obey him with this. I explained that I’m not “crossing the line” so much as if you think of a rubber band. I had one that stretched out real far before it broke. Now you gave me this tiny little one and I’m just seeing how far it’ll stretch. He said it didn’t matter, that I’m going to break the “rubber band” if I keep it up.

Well y’all, I’m a handful sometimes. I’m aware of this. I need to run to the store for some hair conditioner, Adam’s coffee, and more jalapeños. I opened the junk drawer that I keep note pads in so I could write a list, and I saw my plug in air freshener. I had several pumpkin and apple smelling refills for it at one time, but I can’t find any. So, I’m wondering if that counts. Like, surely I can buy an air freshener refill? I don’t want to ask him because he already told me if I have to ask, it’s a no. Maybe I buy it and if he even notices, and he isn’t happy, I can say “Oh! I didn’t think I needed to ask about something like that!”

I’m probably going to “break the rubber band” if I do it. I’m not certain that it would, though? This is way harder than I imagined it was going to be! I never have to think about buying things like candles or pretty things for myself or for our house. I haven’t gone to the store yet. I guess we’ll see what happens when I get there. I’ll either chicken out, or I’ll talk myself into it.

Why would a husband want to be responsible for keeping his wife “inside the lines”? She’s not a child. She knows right from wrong. As a wife, I don’t want to be treated like a child, either. I want to be treated like a wife. Some of my responsibilities mirror our children’s. Respect and obey those in authority over you. Doing those things for my husband makes sense to me. I remember awhile back, I was reading something that said men ranked respect as the top priority they look for in a spouse. Women’s top ranked quality was protect/provider. I asked Adam to rank this list they’d provided with his top 3. Respect also topped his list. I find that interesting. I shouldn’t be so surprised, but hearing my own husband tell me how important it is to him that I respect him was a wake up call. I needed to do better. I wanted to be a better wife for my husband. I will never lose my sass and fiery personality, but if I channel that into places that don’t disrespect Adam, it would be better for both of us. I have craved and so wanted my husband to command my honor, respect, obedience. Command because he holds himself to very high standards. He requires so much of himself to be the protector and provider that I need. Why shouldn’t I give him the thing that tops his list of priorities in me? Command because he is holding me accountable when I fail. The safe and secure feeling that washes over me is overwhelming when he won’t allow me to continue down an unhealthy path. When he says what he means, and means what he says. When he slaps my behind, gives me a look, and tells me to “keep it up”. It’s sexy. Maybe in that very moment I don’t necessarily see that, but I always will later think back to how unbelievably attractive it is to me when Adam rightly tells me no. He is no tyrant. He’s not unfair or unreasonable. He has appropriately dealt with plenty of bullshit I’ve thrown at him, especially the last few weeks. When I feel completely certain that he means what he says, I will usually listen (obey). If and, let’s be real, when I test him and call him on the promises he made earlier, without following through, his threats are meaningless. It’s effective and powerful as hell if I believe he will follow through. I’m terrified of his damn belt. Like, that thing…I do not want to feel it when Adam is upset with me, ever. He holds a decent amount of authority over me because of it.

So, what does he get out of it? The effort and energy it takes to protect and provide for me. Wouldn’t it be much easier to just let me run amuck? Well, I’m not a man, or a husband, but I think he gets a wife who gives him the thing he most wants from her, respect. He gets a wife who is softer, more kind with her words and actions. A wife who thinks a little harder before she acts or speaks. A wife who isn’t ashamed to show everyone who “wears the pants”. A wife who is committed to always being honest, even when it’s not easy. A wife who trusts him more than she ever thought she could trust another person. A wife who absolutely believes him when he tells her something, good or unpleasant. I am so grateful that Adam is willing to be the man I crave him to be. He’s an amazing provider and protector. He is always working to handle all of my bullshit, while never letting me doubt his love for me. I get everything I want from him. I’m hoping he gets the same. At least, overall. I’m not perfect. What fun would I be if I were, though!? Jackie and I are a 21st century Lucy and Ethel. And Adam is the Ricky to my Lucy. Most of the time, we have a lot of fun together.