I finished writing this one today, and since I’m bored, I thought I’ll go ahead and post another for y’all. It’s a rainy, dreary day here so I’ve been writing and finishing some blog posts 🙂

I was contemplating about the differences between respect and fear. While both have the potential to change someone’s behaviors, the motivation is so very different. When you fear someone, you are acting out of genuine, anxiety riddled, fear at the thought of what they might do. Likely, because they’ve done it before. Maybe you fear a dog who has bitten more than once. People fear an abusive spouse, parent, etc. They stay within the boundaries their tyrant has set for them because they know that stepping outside those lines equals terror inducing “punishment”. Days are spent walking on eggshells, fearing what their tyrant is going to say or do next.

Respect is much different. When you respect someone, you are acknowledging that they are worthy and deserving of your respect. They have shown you time and again they’re worthy and have earned your willingness to listen, share, open yourself up to them. In the case of a husband and wife, a wife respects her husband because he has shown himself to be a dependable provider and protector. She submits to him, not out of fear, but out of genuine respect. Yes, there are boundaries, but your protector is there to keep you safe. He might correct you, or “discipline”, but the motivation is key. Being chastised in love is very different from being beaten up mentally, physically, or emotionally by a hateful tyrant. Adam honors me as his wife and as the mother of his children everyday when he puts our needs first. The very best way to show my appreciation is to be respectful toward him.

When I have to confess something to Adam, I sometimes use the word “afraid”. I might tell him “I was afraid to tell you this…”. The truth is, I do not in any way fear him. He has never shown himself to be a bully or tyrant. He isn’t unreasonable or unkind, even when I’ve really screwed up. I know that the things he does, whether I enjoy it or not, are always because he is working to guide, love, and protect me.

It’s such a blessing to find someone who always has your very best interests at heart. Someone you fear, is someone who is selfish. Someone you respect, is someone who is giving and often selfless.

First, I’m happy to report that I’ve been checking all the “to do’s” off my list this week. 🙂

I was thinking this morning about some times when I’ve spoken to Adam in a horribly disrespectful way, especially in front of other people. It’s such a mystery to even me, but there are moments when I’m saying things and I recognize they’re not appropriate or respectful, but I simply cannot, or will not, stop myself. I never think of it as a “test” for Adam or anything like that. I literally am not sorry for the things coming out of my mouth in the moment. I might be angry, or I might be attempting to convince Adam exactly why I’m right and he’s wrong and in my head I’m saying “He is so stupid sometimes. How can he not know how right I am? He knows I’m right. He is picking a fight. It’s his fault. Im not overreacting one bit.” It can literally be days before I might look back and acknowledge just how irrational and reactionary I had been in that moment. It is almost always the dumbest crap, too! Arguing over how many miles it is to somewhere. Seriously, that was one of the things I refused to back down on once in a conversation with some friends. Adam said it was X miles to somewhere and I insisted he was wrong, it’s only Y miles. It mattered absolutely zero who was right. I couldn’t just let it go, though. I look back and recognize how I belittled and disrespected my husband acting like I did. I know I was wrong to do that. And I wonder, why? Why do I still have days or moments when I absolutely cannot stop myself from being an insufferable bitch? As deeply as I desire to respect, obey, submit to Adam…I fail. I truly can’t say that I have a tight grasp on the why of it all. I think maybe I am subconsciously “testing” him? Maybe I’m just a bitch sometimes? Maybe I feel a strong desire for Adam to stand up to me, stand up for himself, to demand more respect, and to let me know that he is still in charge? Maybe deep down I want reassurance that he can and will take me away, bend me over, and spank me like the child I’m behaving like? Maybe I’m more afraid he won’t do anything? Maybe I’m wondering if he even wants to bother with me? Does he figure I’m worth it? Maybe I am alone in my desires for a husband who wishes to be the leader in his family and he’s given up? Maybe I’m too much? As I already said here, I can’t exactly say why I get those occasional moments when I have very little, if any, self restraint. I do know that the very worst thing my husband could do is to do nothing. That I’m certain of. There is something so primal and so sexy about knowing your man loves you enough to keep you inside the lines y’all have drawn together. Maybe I don’t see it at the time, but I really am just feeling out of control and desperately need for him to set me right again. I have my own insecurities like all humans do. I suspect I’m not alone here. It isn’t something talked about often, but it’s real life, at least for me it is. I sing Adam’s praises here, and he seriously is fucking amazing. But, I am definitely guilty of forgetting that every once in awhile and I wind up convincing myself again of all the reasons I can think of as to why he is not going to do a thing if I act out on my bitchy mood, because, he doesn’t really care that much anymore anyway.

I know many many men and women use what is called “maintenance” spankings and also practice “warning” spankings. Maintenance is to remind us who is in charge and what will happen if we forget that. Adam has never really done that. He slaps my behind many times daily, playfully. Sometimes it stings a little, but certainly not on the same level as when I’m actually getting a deserved spanking. He’s also never done anything like a reminder or warning spanking. I believe this is to be done before a situation where you’ve been known to slip up occurs. A warning or a reminder to behave. All of this to say, it appears he’s taken on the latter one of these types now, 13 years into our marriage.

To start at the beginning, I did call the pest control company as I said I would do. Unfortunately, I was told the lady who handles the billing was on vacation and wouldn’t be back until the following day. The man I spoke with asked me to call back tomorrow and ask for Jenny. “Ok, great.” I thought, “Now I have to tell Adam this issue was not, in fact, resolved.” I knew that I could explain and that Adam would trust what I said. I wanted to back up what I said as well, though. So, I sent him a screenshot of the phone call I’d made and texted the situation to him. He was proud of me for making the call, but reminded me to make sure to call again the next day since we didn’t get our issue corrected with them. I assured him that I would call back the following day. All was well.

We had a nice evening. It rained and thundered for a solid hour while we ate supper and we all enjoyed the sounds because it had been a very long time since we’d heard or seen a good rain here. It was a quiet, relaxing evening with no lectures or looks from Adam. When it was time for bed, we both do our bedtime routine. Adam brushes his teeth while I unmake the bed and set aside the throw pillows. Then I brush my teeth, put lotion on, chapstick, and usually throw on one of his t shirts from his dresser to wear as a nightgown to bed. By this time, Adam is almost always waiting for me in bed. So, I climb into bed and snuggle into his waiting arms. He asked me what all was on my agenda for tomorrow. I told him about an appointment for our daughter at a doctor nearly an hour from us that I need to take her to as well as making the repeat phone call to our darned pest control company. He reminded me that I will need to go and get our car tags renewed on Wednesday. I had this pit in my stomach. I’m not afraid to be honest with Adam. It’s very cathartic to know I can share any and everything with him and get it all out so I don’t have to carry the weight of anything by myself. So, I told him the truth. “I’m real nervous that I won’t get it done on Wednesday. I want to do it. I want to make you proud. I’m just not sure how motivated I’m going to be on Wednesday to have to go through all of that after having to drive to [our daughter’s] appointment tomorrow.” Adam was quiet for a second, contemplating. His hand continued to softly caress my arm like he’d been doing this whole time. Finally, he speaks. He says that he thinks he knows how to motivate me. He sits up in bed and pulls me over his lap, lifts the t shirt I’m wearing and pulls my panties down, and spanks me with his hand. It wasn’t as hard or as long as the last time he’d spanked me, but it stung. When it was over, he pulled me back down to lay in his arms. He pointed to his belt, still lying on the floor from the weekend, and said that tomorrow he would motivate me with that if he needed to. Then, he took my hand and placed it over the left side of his bare chest. He asked me “Do you feel that? This is yours. You have all of my heart and I will never hurt you. Maybe your behind sometimes, but I will never do anything to hurt you. I love you.”

I understand that I’ve been neglecting a lot of things I needed to do, and he is only helping me to get back on track. I realize that everything he does, everything he says, is because he is loving, protecting, and providing for me to the very best of his abilities. I respect it. I accept it. I am grateful.

Well, today is Monday. Adam asked me last night to tell him again what I was going to get done today. I told him I would call the pest control company. He asked me, “what else?” I knew he meant the car tags, so I gave a long dramatic “ughhhhh”. I argued (sweetly, because I can be very persuasive when I want to be) that Mondays are the worst days to go to places like the DMV. Those are their busiest days. He thought about it and told me he would give me til Wednesday to get the tags renewed. So now, I’ve technically got until he gets home from work on Wednesday to make that trip. However, he has left the belt he brought out on Friday night right there on the floor on my side of our bed and told me to leave it there because it would be a good reminder to make sure I get these things done. Every morning when I get out of bed, when I make our bed, and when we go to bed, it’s right there. I haven’t called our pest control company just yet, but it’s still morning here, so I have some time to knock that off my list. I truly don’t ignore my duties in our home just for the hell of it. I don’t do it to push Adam’s buttons. I don’t do it to be a stubborn and unreliable wife. I occasionally go through periods of time when I find it incredibly hard to make myself do chores that involve dealing with strangers. I can’t quite explain it. I’m normally very outgoing and social. There are just times when I find it nearly impossible. I also understand that Adam doesn’t get up early every morning excited for another long day at work. He doesn’t feel like doing all of the things he has to get done, either. So I know that my actions seem childish and irresponsible. I am fully intending to make this phone call today. It may be this afternoon, but I want to get it done because I do not want to feel that belt on my behind tonight. I want to make Adam proud and have a quiet, relaxing evening with him tonight. Disappointing him is just about the worst feeling in the entire world for me. Tomorrow, I will report back and fully intend to write about how I did do the things I said I’d do 🙂

This weekend, we had some friends drive down to see us. The kids got to play with his daughter and his older son and daughter hung out with us out back playing cornhole and “water pong”. That’s beer pong but with water in the cups and nobody has to drink. It’s been a lot of fun.

This morning, I’m reflecting on things and thought about how open we are with most everyone in our lives. I see many couples who practice some form of DD who feel they have to quietly shield their family and friends from that aspect of their relationships. We certainly don’t share everything with everybody, but Adam makes shameless comments like “you want another spanking?” He slapped my behind yesterday (playfully) and asked if it still hurt. Our friends were around, and nobody ever seems to think a thing of it. He’s only ever really spanked me once in front of my best friend, years ago. Even then, I was fully clothed and it was just several quick hard swats. My best friend was over a couple of days ago and I’d told her about the things I’d been procrastinating on and that I was pretty sure Adam was going to punish me. The thing is, in all other relationships I have with family and friends, I’m the strong one. I’m the one they lean on. I’m the one who has to keep it together when stuff happens. Adam is the only person on this earth who I submit to and can always count on to have my back when stuff goes bad. My friends and family see me as a strong and capable woman. They look to me when they need help. They understand that Adam is my husband, that I am under only his authority, and that’s never taken away any of the respect they have for me. I think our men friends actually treat me more respectfully knowing that Adam takes my well being very very seriously, so they’ll also be answering to him if anything happens while I’m with them. It’s a security that’s hard to explain in words, but I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone. I love my husband. I’m not afraid to let everyone know that I respect him. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed that this is how we do things in our home.

We’ve had a lot of changes the last several months. Adam and I bought a big beautiful house a little further outside the city in a quiet neighborhood with some great new neighbors. Our kids love our new home and their new schools. Adam now has about a 40 minute drive into work everyday, so that part isn’t so fun, but otherwise, we’re all very happy here.

I didn’t have much to report on here for quite some time. I’m normally very positive and energetic and happy to get things done. Recently, I’ve not been so energetic about doing certain things. Our car tags need renewed, and have needed it for months now. I have a large amount of cash I’ve been meaning to put in our bank account, but haven’t gotten around to. I need to call our pest control company because they billed us wrong. And, I was late paying a bill that simply wasn’t paid because I had to make phone calls and go through all that automated crap until you finally get to a human and I just…didn’t feel like it. I actually confessed about the late bill before Adam found out. He was super understanding and wasn’t angry, but he told me to make sure I got it done the next day (it was late evening when I told him). He also mentioned calling the pest control company. I even gave him a “yes sir”. The next day (yesterday) I did get that bill paid, however I was in a hurry because I had plans to meet up with my sister and take the kids swimming and she was waiting for me. By the time I got myself and kids ready, I needed to get going. I thought “It’s fine. I’ll just make the phone call when we get back home.” Well, by the time we got home it was after 5:00 and I figured they were closed anyway now. I assumed I could use that as my excuse anyway. When Adam got home, he asked me about this and I told him exactly what I’d planned to tell him about not getting home in time. He actually asked me to show him on my phone where I had attempted to call them. I couldn’t, because I hadn’t attempted to. He questioned why I hadn’t done it that morning. I had no good answer. He pulled out one of my wooden spoons from the kitchen counter and swatted my behind a handful of times. The kids and dogs started coming to my rescue and trying to take the spoon or get new ones to spank their dad with. They figure we’re just playing, like he often does when he swats my backside in the kitchen. Things settle down and I begin to get supper ready. Adam comes in and then starts to ask about the car tags and a few other things I’d been meaning to get done. I told him “you’ve already spanked me now, so you can’t get mad”. He says “Ohhh no. That was just a warm up until the kids are in bed.” Let me say, my heart skips a beat hearing that! This whole time, Adam has been very calm and even grinning at me while I’m trying to talk my way out of it. There’s no real anger coming from him, although I know he isn’t happy with me. Later on, we went out on the deck and each had a drink. We talked and laughed. Then, he starts to bring up everything I’d been trying to avoid again. He very gently asked me “What’s going on with you?” “This isn’t like you.” I admitted that I’ve truthfully, just been lazy. I don’t want to do some of that stuff, so I procrastinate. After about half an hour of the third lecture in a row I’d gotten for the same things, he said he was ready for bed. We brushed our teeth and got ready for bed. When I came out of our bathroom, he was already laying in bed. I wasn’t sure what to expect. In a complete surprise move, he made love to me! When we’re finished, he gets up and puts on his basketball shorts, walks over to our bedroom door and locks it, and then goes into our closet. I can hear what he’s doing. He’s taking one of his belts off the hook. I’m sitting up in bed, wide eyed, waiting for what I’m sure is to come. He says “we need to get this over with”, sits on the bed, and turns me over. I then see him throw his belt down on the floor just below the view I had from my position before I start feeling spank after spank after spank on my bottom. He was only using his hand, but it hurt! I have no idea how many times his hand came down on my sore behind before it was over. I don’t think it could’ve been more than a few minutes, realistically, but it felt like he was never going to stop. Finally, no more spanks. He pulls me up and lays down next to me. I lay my head on his shoulder, and we both fall asleep. He woke me up two separate times throughout the night to initiate sex. Today, I have a sore behind, sore lady parts, and a renewed respect and admiration for my husband. He did mention to me later when I saw the belt still laying on the floor, “Next time I get that out, I won’t be playing.” I think I’ve been well enough motivated to get some shit done on Monday now.

I’m laying by the pool, watching my kids splash in the water. I’ve got a nice tan started and a couple new bikini swimsuits to wear. Every afternoon that it’s not raining, I go out to the pool and swim with the kids for awhile and then lay out on a floatie in the water or a lounge chair by the pool and work on my tan. I am so incredibly blessed…spoiled even.

I have been hurting this last year and life hasn’t been this carefree every moment. Any second now, something will come along to slap me out of my happy bubble. I’m not exaggerating how difficult it’s been. I might be focusing too much on that, though. As I sit here by the pool, I’m reminded just how good I still have it. I text Adam a picture of the kids splashing and asked him how his day is going. He wrote back “HOT. It’s hot as hell!” Adam will tease me about lounging by the pool all day, but he knows I also keep up with all the things I need to get done at home and with the kids. He’s not really angry that I get to swim on a hot afternoon. I actually think he’s proud that his wife and kids can have a fun summer swimming and playing outside. He’s proud that he is able to provide for our family and allow me to be here with our kids everyday. He’s a great husband and daddy. I sure do have it made. Despite the issues I can’t escape, I still have a pretty fantastic life.