~Breaking Benjamin

There are a handful of my “regulars”, people who often comment on my posts, who I genuinely feel connected to. I’m sharing such intimate details of my own life here, and over time, I gather bits and pieces from my followers comments. I had an older gentleman, “AZpop”, who would comment after every single one of my blog posts. I haven’t heard from him in over a year. I think of him, and worry and wonder what’s happened in his life. There are a few more folks I feel I’ve gotten to know, that I often wonder about as well. For what it’s worth, I wanted to say that you, my readers, mean a whole lot to me. I genuinely hope that everyone is doing well, and I pray for y’all when I’m made aware of your struggles. Paddlefan, Nora, Vickie, Annie, and all who come across my writing here, please know you matter to me. I appreciate all the support and encouragement I’ve received so much. I truly do look forward to hearing from everyone, and enjoy learning about you, your lives, and your opinions. I needed to say this, tonight.

Love, Me

So bum me a cigarette, buy me a beer till i’m happy to be here,
Happy to be here.

~Noah Gundersen

I just don’t have a whole lot to say! It was a pretty good week. I had the littles, of course. It’s been nice weather, so we’ve been outside a lot.

My sister sent me a video of Pj, a couple days ago. She’s getting soooo big!!

Wyatt had a baseball game, this afternoon. There’s some great pictures, from it. He’s been pitching, recently. He’s doing a great job, too!

My dad (Poppy) was in a recent TV episode that came out. I’m so damn proud of him! He’s had several magazine articles written and short pieces done about him, but this was an entire episode dedicated to him and his work. It was so cool! I would love to share more about him here, but I just don’t want to destroy any last semblance of anonymity I have left, with this blog.

I went to the store, this afternoon, to grab a few things we still need for our Easter dinner. Poppy, his girlfriend, Justin and Jackie, Adam, our kids, and me will all be here. A friend of our daughter also asked to come participate in our egg hunt, next Sunday afternoon. Of course, I told her she’s welcome to!

It’s been a quiet weekend. We’re planning to play some badminton, tomorrow afternoon, with the kids. This evening, Adam is watching a movie upstairs, and I’m in the basement, watching TV. We had a big supper. All the kids were here, plus Mikayla’s boyfriend. It was fun, sitting around the table and being silly with everyone. I told Mikayla, a couple days ago, about her graduation present. I didn’t want her to make any plans over the time I’d booked for our trip. So, I informed her. Mikayla, Jackie, and I are going to be staying on Alabama’s Gulf Shores for 4 days. There’s tons of fun stuff to do. Mikayla was super excited about it, too! I’m so happy to have been able to give her a graduation gift that she’s this thrilled about. I went ahead and booked our reservations for shortly after her graduation. We’ll be staying somewhere with a pool, hot tub, a big balcony, a kitchen, and plenty of space for the three of us. We’ll be right by the ocean, too. I can’t wait! Well, maybe I can? Time’s already going way too fast.

Adam and my anniversary is coming up, next Tuesday. That’s the 13th anniversary of our “church wedding”. We were legally married, in secret, April 14, 2009. We were “church married”, in front of our family and friends, March 26, 2011. I truly mean this, I’m more in love with him, after all the years we’ve been together. I’m more attracted to him. I know him better. He knows me better. We’re often able to understand what each other needs and wants, without a word being spoken. I sincerely hope that he feels I’m as good of a wife as I do about him as my husband. I’m pretty certain he’s as crazy about me, as I am about him. While I’m not so naive to believe our marriage won’t require more work than we’ve already invested, I am confident we will be one of the married couples who “makes it”. I imagine us growing old together. We’ve weathered plenty of storms, already. No struggle has ever been so great, that I’ve even considered the possibility of tossing my marriage away. I’m so grateful that I found my very own “Prince Charming”, and he’s all mine.

I’ve been hanging onto my streak of avoiding trouble with Adam. It’s literally been so long, I can’t even remember the last time I was actually in real trouble. Everything has been so happy, and easy. I know it makes for a pretty boring blog, but oh my gosh do I enjoy it!

I also bought tickets for Jackie and I to go to a Nashville “ghost tour and true crime event”, this Summer. I wanted to do something fun with her, in lieu of a “bachelorette party”. She’s a huge true crime fanatic, so I think she’ll love it. I’m excited for all the fun and new adventures to come, but I’m also doing my best to enjoy every moment right now. I just want to soak in the easy, “light” way life feels. Everything is good. My family is good. Everyone is good. What an amazing blessing, to be able to say that.

I could use some back then, right now
’98 Chevy with the tailgate down
Fm only with the gold up loud
Burnin’ up the night
Innocent and wild
I could use a little more wide open
Back when all I wanted was the hand I was holdin’
Livin’ in the moment
With the good time crowd
Makin’ life count
Damn, I could use a little more
Back then, right now

~Tyler Hubbard

This week’s been a fairly typical one. I do have a little bruise on my butt, from a few days ago. Really, Adam and I were just messing around, though. Our shower time shenanigans just led to me playfully slapping Adam, and then him doing the same to my behind. It didn’t even hurt that bad, but I bruise fairly easily. It’s been a great time with my people. This morning, Adam and Wyatt cut down an evergreen tree out in the front of our house. It was just too large for the space it had been put into. It was growing into the house, and we decided it needed to go. Now, we’re going to find something smaller, that fits this space.

Justin came over, and helped my boys load up the remnants of the evergreen tree. They took it away, and went for a stump grinder. Jackie and I went to the store. We got all the stuff for sides, to go with the ribs Adam was grilling later. We all played cornhole, for awhile. Then, while the boys got the grill started, I threw the football with my kids and a few of their friends. We also set up the volleyball net, and decided bad minton would be fun to play. The boys ran to a Dick’s Sporting near us, and grabbed some badminton rackets and birdies, for us. We played badminton until supper was ready. Everything was delicious!

Everyone has gone home, now. I’m just sitting downstairs, watching Sons of Anarchy, (for like the 18th time). My most favorite shows are “I Love Lucy” and “SOA”. Such a crazy contradiction, as far as content goes, but I absolutely love them both.

The weather has been mostly gorgeous. All the trees are blooming. Adam and Wyatt cut the grass, last Sunday, for the first time this year. I’m itching to get some flowers to plant, but I feel like I should wait just a little bit longer, so I’m positive there’ll be no more freezing temperatures. We’re almost there, though!

Mikayla got this, in the mail, last week.

My baby is about to “fly” away from our “nest”. She came home from work, a couple nights ago. She walked into my bathroom, while I was getting ready for bed. She asked me for a hug. I looked into her eyes, and saw hurt and sadness in them. I asked her what was the matter?! She started to bawl, and told me it had just hit her, she wouldn’t be able to talk to me everyday like this, much longer. She realized she wouldn’t be here, to eat supper with us all, much longer. She told me she’s afraid. She asked me, “What if I hate it there?” and, “What if I flunk out?!” I reassured her, she most definitely will not flunk out. I told her about my own experience with leaving home, around her age. There are definitely moments that are difficult, but it’s also so much fun. She’s going to grow and learn and become independent. Even so, no matter what, we will always be here for her. And, she can come home and see us all anytime she wants to! In fact, she’d better! Mikayla got into the engineering program. She will be studying to become an aerospace engineer. I find that absolutely incredible! I’m so unbelievably proud of my girl! She’s been busy searching for a dorm roommate, and making a list of the things she’ll be needing. I asked her to start a gift registry, so that we could all pick things she would be able to use, when everyone’s getting her graduation gifts. I’m also thinking of taking her on just a girl’s trip, as a graduation gift from Adam and I. He’s totally on board with the idea, too. So, I think I’m going to plan a fun trip for her and I to take together, before she moves to Knoxville. Even though it’s not that far, it is far enough. It’s far enough to have me worrying. I suppose that’s what every parent likely experiences, when their child goes to college. It’s just a first, for me. I’m so going to miss our daily chats. I’m not going to be able to look out and see her and her friends practicing their color guard flag routine, in our backyard. I won’t have so many extra kids here for supper, most nights. I’m going to miss the hell out of her. But, I’m trying to be strong and brave, because that’s what mothers are supposed to do, isn’t it? I’m also excited for her. I’m proud of her. I’m confident that she will succeed in all the things she’s setting out to do. My girl is a shining star, and she’s about to take all the beautiful light she carries, and share it with the rest of the world. She’ll never not be my baby, but she’s also going to be a whole lot of important things to other people than me. That’s the goal, as a parent. To raise our kids into strong and capable people. For them to arrive at a place where they no longer need their parents. I just hope she never stops wanting to share her life with me, the way she’s always done.

My world is changing. Life is moving forward. The pace seems all too quick, these days, but I’m helpless to change that. My babies are growing up, as I grow older too. I mean it when I say, being their mama is, and always will be, my greatest achievement. I literally beam with pride, when I talk about my babies. As they go out into the world, and show off their amazing abilities, a part of me swells with pride in knowing that I created that amazing person. They’re a part of me, and I’m a part of them. So, everything they do matters to me. Every achievement. Every fear. Every hurt. Every tear. I feel it all deeply. Nobody warned me about this part of motherhood. I’m honestly just “winging it”. I’m doing my very best, and when I look at my babies, I guess I’ve done a pretty good job.

Well hello T-R-O-U-B-L-E
Tell me what in the world
You doin’ A-L-O-N-E
Yeah say “hey” good L-double-O-K-I-N-G
Well I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E

~Travis Tritt

Jackie and I got to the hospital, only to learn Biscuit had been sent home. So, we drove to his house. His brother, and his brother’s husband, had just gotten him home. We sat and visited with Biscuit, his brother, his brother in law, and his Mama. They’re all such sweet people! Poor Biscuit was in a lot of pain, and frustrated with his situation, but he was so touched that we showed up for him.

Saturday, Adam helped Justin put a new alternator in his truck. Adam called me, Saturday evening, and asked if I would like to go out to eat with him. I took a shower, did my hair and makeup, and waited for him. When he got home, he showered and got himself ready, and then we went out to eat. Wyatt had had a baseball game, and was passed out in his bed. Mj was spending the night over at Justin and Jackie’s. Mikayla is visiting with her biological dad, for a few days. So, it was just the two of us. It was a lot of fun, spending some time hanging out just me and my husband!

On Sunday, the weather was absolutely gorgeous! Justin and Jackie came over, and we played some cornhole out back. Adam grilled burgers and hotdogs, and we all sat out on the deck. It was a perfect weekend.

Yesterday, I got in a little bit of trouble, with Adam. It’s a long story, but I had overpaid on one of our bills, in January. I hadn’t expected to owe anything again, for awhile. I decided to go ahead and check on that utility bill, yesterday, and discovered that even with my over payment, there was still like $75 left due…and that was due a few days ago. So, it was now late. It was an honest to God mistake! I didn’t have to even tell Adam about it, but I did. Considering I fessed up right away, and he understood how that happened, he wasn’t really upset with me. I’d told him about it, while we showered, last night. When we got out, and were drying ourselves off, he sat on the edge of our bathtub. I gave him my “side eye”, and did my best to talk him out of spanking me. But, he insisted that he had to. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, and he had to slowly pry them off of him, so he could move me over his lap. He wasn’t angry with me, but he did give me a few swats that definitely stung. Then, he held onto me awhile, and thanked me for telling him anyway. Despite the fact that it could’ve been much worse, I really hated to get spanked, because I’ve done such a darned great job, for such a long time! I guess I was most frustrated with myself.

When we went to bed, we made love, and Adam kept me wrapped inside his arms all night long. I don’t have the littles this week, until Friday, and it’s my kids Spring Break, so I’ve been able to sleep in. I’m sooo enjoying this little break! I’ve been working on catching up on housework that’s needing done, and hanging out with my babies. As much as I do love the littles that I watch, I’ve missed the time and energy I haven’t had to give to my own family and home. It’s nice to have a little time to “recharge”. Jackie and I are planning to craft, later. It’s been too long, since we’ve had an afternoon to hang out and craft some new things! We picked up an old end table, someone had at the end of their driveway, a couple weeks ago. We need to get that painted and put new knobs on it. It’s so much fun to remake old things into something new and beautiful. Just writing about it has me in the mood to get to work now. I think I’ll give Jackie a call, and see what she’s up to.

You can always put a rain check in his hand 
‘Til you can’t

If you got a chance, take it, take it while you got a chance
If you got a dream, chase it, ’cause a dream won’t chase you back
If you’re gonna love somebody
Hold ’em as long and as strong and as close as you can
‘Til you can’t

~Cody Johnson

I’m having a real hard time, right now, y’all. My friend, Biscuit, isn’t alright. He’s dying. Writing those words, just now, he’s dying, has caused my tears to escape from my eyes. I’ve fought so hard to keep those emotions held inside. When tears threaten to form, I do everything that I can to force those thoughts and feelings away. There’s just something about saying (or even writing) the things I’ve known inside myself, that makes it more real. Admitting it out loud, makes it impossible to ignore the truth. Biscuit’s body is shutting down. He’s in pain, and he’s afraid. Hearing him tell me how scared that he is absolutely breaks my heart into pieces. I don’t know what to say, or do. I want to be encouraging. I want to tell him it’s all going to be alright. We know it isn’t true, though. He’s not okay. He’s dying. All the shit he put his body through, when he was younger, is making him pay now. That debt has been called due. Nobody deserves to experience the pain and the sadness, the fear and regrets that he is right now. Well, some people do. But, not him. Biscuit never hurt a soul. He’s a good man. He’s got a great big heart. He’s such an amazing friend to have known.

Jackie and I are about to head over to the hospital he’s at. It’s a selfish motive I have, I suppose. I need to hug him, and tell him I love him. I cannot live with myself if I can’t do that once more. I desperately want him to be certain that he does have people who care. That I’m one of them. That he isn’t alone. That he will be so incredibly missed. All the things we neglect to reassure our loved ones of, until we can’t.

Brave is eighteen wearing army green
Truth is in the words, in red we read
Proud is what you say about where you’re from
Heroes are daddies and mamas are love
Where right is right, and wrong is wrong, yeah we’re
Doing things a little different ’round here

~Riley Green

Mj had a choir contest, and they got first place! She was sooo excited and proud!

Wyatt had his first baseball game, last night, too. He’s getting so grown, and handsome. It makes me teary, just looking at photos like these.

I’ve got the littles, causing mayhem and mischief here, this morning. I’m trying to get some cleaning done, but every time I turn my back, there’s trouble!

We’ve had some gorgeous, Spring fever inducing, weather. I took the littles on a long walk, yesterday. Then, Adam and I took Oliver for a walk, yesterday evening. The warmth and sunshine sure do put me in a good mood! I really don’t have a whole lot else to say. I’m just happy, proud to be at this stage of my life, and grateful for today. If I could only bottle up the joy I feel, during days like these, I swear we’d achieve world peace.

Guess you might say I’m a little intense
I’m on the bright side of being hell-bent
So, take it from me, you’re not the only one
Who can’t see straight (can’t see straight)

If you were ever in doubt
Don’t sell yourself short, you might be bulletproof
Hard to move mountains when you’re paralyzed
But you gotta try
And I’m calling out

Get up, get up
Get a move on
Get up, get up
What’s taking so long?
Get up, get up
Get a move on
Stop stalling, I’m calling out
Get up, get up
Get a move on
Get up, get up
Ain’t nothing wrong
‘Cause I believe you can be whatever
And I agree you can do much better, trust me

~SHINEDOWN

We had so much fun, Saturday evening. Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant near us. We came back home, and wound up just sitting around telling stories, laughing and talking.

It was such a shame, after having this great night with everyone, it wound up going bad. Wyatt has had a real bad attitude. Sometimes, he can get way too mouthy and rude. It frustrates the crap out of me! Especially, when he aims his attitude at me. That’s exactly what happened, in the middle of our good time. He said some hurtful things, and worse than that, Adam allowed it to happen. As a result of all that, I was upset. I waited until everyone had left, and Adam and I were climbing into our bed, to let my feelings be known. I called Adam a “pussy”, and eventually told him to just shut up. We went to sleep, after that. The next morning was very quiet. We barely spoke to each other. Eventually, Adam came to talk with me. He apologized for saying nothing, while our son treated me that way. He told me I was just as disrespectful to him [Adam], though, because of the comments I made before bed. While he’s not wrong, I was disrespectful as fuck to Adam, I honestly felt justified, in that moment. It’s such a backwards way to go about things, but I think I honestly do things like that because I know it’ll “wake Adam up”. If I’m willing to cross those lines, something’s wrong. The truth is, he probably did the best thing, immediately after I’d spoken to him that way. He turned over and went to sleep. In the next morning light, though, I almost wanted Adam to punish me for it. Even inside moments like that was, I’m fully aware that I’m saying and doing things I’d normally get my butt whooped for. I also know, in moments like that, he won’t. When I am that angry, and actually justified in my own frustrations, he knows he messed up. This creates a dilemma, in his own mind. How can he punish me, when he has also fucked up? I realized, just yesterday, I believe I push so hard against him, when he’s wrong, because I’m desperately trying to make my Adam come back. I need him to hear me, to understand where I’m coming from. I also so want him to right himself again, asap. I don’t mean to just “kick him when he’s down”. That’s truly not what my intentions are. I feel as if the man in front of me isn’t my husband. My husband wouldn’t let any of this happen. So, if I can find a way to bring him back to me, that’s what I’m going to do. I suppose it’s unfortunate, but saying and doing outrageously disrespectful shit does help to “wake him up”, most always. I do wish to find a better way to handle those kind of situations. I wish Adam wouldn’t let me get away with that shit. At least, I wish that after the “smoke has cleared.” I wouldn’t do that, if it didn’t work. But, it does do the job of grabbing his attention, letting him know I mean it. The worst part is the next day. The next day, Adam’s been knocked down hard, and his confidence is shaken badly. Then, I again just so want to “get him back”, I struggle not to continue to push against him. To keep being defiant and difficult. My quiet hope, so quiet that I hadn’t even recognized this to be the case, until now, is for Adam to stand himself up tall again. I genuinely want him to make it all stop. Even if that means I’m paying consequences for my own actions. I gamble. Either he’ll find his strength and authority, or I’ll “win”. The crazy part is, I don’t want to win. Winning would be getting my husband back. I don’t want to break him. I guess I just know exactly where his weak spots are, and I press against them because I’m hoping that showing them to him will make him better and stronger. That way, we won’t have to do this again. I’m not entirely sure this makes any sense written out here? I do realize how ridiculous it must all seem. Sometimes, I really wish I was capable of picking Adam up, putting him over my knee, and spanking him until he’s sorry. Clearly, that isn’t a possibility. So, I need to find a better way to handle stuff like that. I’m aware the way I can act is the absolute opposite of doing right. But, why does the wrong thing seem to be the best way to accomplish my goal of letting him know I’m serious, and he was wrong?

[…or so]

~Shinedown

This morning, Justin and Jackie came by, and we all made a Costco trip. We just got back home. Jackie went home to take a shower. Then, they’ll be back over here, so we can get ready. Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I are going out tonight! We’re planning to go eat at a local Mexican restaurant. After that, we’ve made no concrete plans yet, but we’re doing something fun.

It’s cold as hell, today. The last week was gorgeous, but our weather has decided to turn cold, just for the weekend.

I suppose I should update here, on what happened after I decided to inform Adam about the possible issue. The night before last, while we were in the shower, I talked to him. I explained everything, and why I had neglected to tell him about this sooner. I reasoned, there’s nothing we can do to change the outcome anyhow, so there was no need in worrying him with this. At first, he was upset. He can’t stand to think I would keep things from him, because I’m “afraid” of him. He asked me, “Have you EVER told me something, and I’ve just turned into the hulk on you?” The answer is no, of course not! Adam had never once lost his temper with me. As I carefully chose my words, I was able to explain that it isn’t that I am afraid he will lash out at me. I just feel bad for him, when there’s already a lot going on. I feel selfish, dumping more onto him. I asked him, “Don’t you have things that worry you? Things that sometimes keep you up at night, but you see me sleeping peacefully. You think to yourself, she’s got enough going on. I’m not about to burden her with this stupid thing that’s bothering me right now.” At first, he insisted that he tells me everything. I argued, though. I know that’s not true. He’s this big and strong and capable man. He has fears and worries. He has struggles. I know damn well, he doesn’t share all of those with me! When I’m afraid, and I confide in him, he is quick to assure me that everything will be okay. However, I guarantee there are times where he’s also thinking, to himself, how the hell am I going to fix this? Every once in awhile, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do, for him. I’m attempting to handle a problem, without asking him to take it on. This conversation immediately softened him. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t upset. He wasn’t even concerned. He said, whatever happens with it, we’ll figure it out just like we always do. He told me he was questioning himself, about what to do with my not sharing this with him. He now understood my intentions clearly, and he was actually touched, knowing I genuinely wanted to help to protect him. However, he was afraid if he let this go, I would take this as permission to continue to leave out information he should know about. I promised him, had this been my mistake, or anything that could be changed or influenced by actions we could’ve taken now, I’d have told him. I hadn’t said or done one darned thing to earn a spanking in nearly half a year. That’s something! In the end, Adam didn’t punish me for this. He did ask me to please not ever feel like I need to keep things from him. He wasn’t angry, though. He knew I truly had the best intentions, and despite this, that I felt guilty about holding onto even the smallest “secret”. I actually debate myself, sometimes. Isn’t it kind of selfish, to have a concern, or a problem, and instantly ask my husband to fix it? Isn’t it selfish, to only share information with him because I don’t want my butt to be sore? I don’t know? There are a lot of questions, like these, that pass through my own thoughts.

When we went to bed, that night, Adam practically ripped off my clothes. He wanted me. I needed him, too. We had the kind of sex that I can still feel in my body the next day. It was amazing.

After all of that, I still managed to find myself in trouble, last night… It was most certainly not intentional, either. I wasn’t attempting to create trouble. It just happened. It wouldn’t be wise to inform Adam of this, but… to be completely honest, the spanking didn’t really hurt. I think he’s been easy on me, because I’ve so obviously been trying hard to avoid trouble. Although I was very nervous, for him to get home from work, after he’d texted me what was coming as a result of my infraction yesterday, it wasn’t nearly as serious as I’d feared. I’d made a mistake. An honest mistake. It wasn’t that big of a deal. It was a repeat offense. Something I’ve done many times before. But, this time was different. I hadn’t forgotten, or necessarily even procrastinated on this thing I needed to get done. I simply hadn’t prioritized it. There’s been a whole lot happening, and it was on my list of things to do. Unfortunately, I had no idea it mattered when this got taken care of, until I was notified. So, because of my misunderstanding of the urgency to take care of an issue, there were unforeseen consequences. Both for Adam’s wallet, and my behind. Still, I’m able to sit down perfectly fine today 😉

I’m going to go and do my best to make myself pretty, before we go out tonight. I’ve been so looking forward to a night like this one, with my husband, my best friend, and her man. It’s gonna be a great night. I’m going to make sure of it.

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother’s favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

Oh, darlin’, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darlin’, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I won’t let nobody hurt you
Won’t let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up
Never grow up

~Taylor Swift

My babies are growing up so fast, right now. I suppose they’ve been growing at a steady rate, all along, but suddenly…they seem so grown. Wyatt and Mj have added inches, to their heights, this past year. Wyatt’s bigger and stronger than I am, now. His daddy can still take him, though! I was talking to Wyatt, the other day. I told him, when you’re young, your parents are so “old”. Then, one day, you look at them and you think to yourself, my parents aren’t old! And, that’s when you realize you’re getting older, too. Acknowledging the fact that all our lives will have an end, is a tough thing. I know my brother would tease about how, one day, he would be big and strong, and he would be able to win a “wrestling match” against our dad. When the day does come, that it’s obvious you’d be able to “take” your own father, all you’ll wish is for your daddy to be the strong and capable and heroic man you always knew you could count on, growing up. Sure, you could knock him to the ground, but now you wish that weren’t true. You worry about your parents. You pray they can look, feel, and act as “old” as your memories remember them.

We ordered Mikayla’s cap, grown, and tassel, for her upcoming graduation. She’s going to the University of Tennessee, at Knoxville, this Fall. We’re so proud of her! She’s been offered a full scholarship. That kid is the hardest working teenager I’ve ever met. She’s earned this. I remind myself, this is the goal. As a parent, your purpose is to raise up your children. For them to be capable, ready, and willing to spread their own wings, and fly. My babies will forever be my babies, though. I used to love to dance with them. I spent countless hours, dancing in the kitchen, while I held them. When Mikayla was a baby, I listened to a lot of “Michael Buble”, early “Taylor Swift”, and “Kenny Chesney”. I remember the way she smelled. I can still feel her tiny head resting on my shoulder. I would hold her, and dance, and sing, well past the point my arms were aching from holding this small little baby for so long. I remember my own thoughts, please let this moment last just a little longer. Even then, in the middle of the chaos and haze of having new babies, almost no sleep, and the struggles of becoming an adult myself, I was very aware this day would come. Here it is, just over the horizon now. Before I know it, it’ll be my last baby’s turn to grow up. The time will come for her to spread her wings, and begin her own adventure. I’ve pondered thoughts of “what if”. What if, I could go back in time? Could take my babies back to the moments I cherish in my mind. It occurred to me, I’d miss them. I’d miss the people they are, right now. One of the biggest heartaches, of being a parent, is also one of life’s greatest joys. Watching our children show us who they are. They’re their own people. They have their own thoughts, memories, goals, dreams, fears… I guess I’m just hoping they don’t ever stop sharing themselves with me, at least sometimes. I hope they can remember me, their mama, and their hearts swell with the kind of love that mine does, when I think of them. Worrying and wondering about your kids, never stops. As they’re growing up, the worries evolve. Old fears are replaced by new possibilities. But, I can’t keep them safe in the way I used to. Laying on my shoulder, sleeping peacefully, while we danced in the kitchen.