Tag: life

I Can’t Sleep


Hit my head against the wall till I got black eyes
Sitting on the sofa, drinking soda, watching plants die
It’s stupid, but I’m scared that I might lose it, and I can’t cry

I can’t sleep, I’m outta my head
I’m losing my mind and no one understands
And I can’t breathe, I’m over the edge
I’m dying inside, I’m afraid how this might end

~Tom MacDonald

I don’t know where to begin. I spent my entire yesterday, like a zombie. A zombie with constant tears streaming down my face. My voice is hoarse, from the sheer amount of bawling I’ve done. My entire world crumbled into tiny pieces, Friday night. The scattered shreds of what’s left will never fit together, the way they did before. We have to pick up what we can and build a new picture. The old one, the one I cherished and loved so fuckin much…it’s destroyed.

This is the part where I’m supposed to begin to explain why. I’m just not sure I can do that, yet. My heart aches in such a way, that it feels exaggeratedly heavy inside my chest. Its weight presses up against me and makes every breath harder to catch. Exhausted isn’t even a strong enough word to describe my body, mind, and soul. I did sleep, last night. I slept held tightly inside Adam’s arms, all night long. The night before, I’m not sure if I even got one full hour’s worth of sleep. Combined with the enormous stress and tears, I sort of crashed, last night. That gave me the ability to rest my body. At least a temporary reprieve, from this intense pain. It hovers all around me. I feel it in my sleep, too. I didn’t dream. I don’t even know when the last time I truly smiled was, and I’m used to spending the majority of my days laughing, grinning, and finding the happy all around me. I suppose it would’ve been sometime, Friday afternoon. We all swam, in the pool, and had fun. Adam and Justin fixed a leaky gutter, over our deck. Everyone and everything, was great. Within one unpredictable, unplanned moment, that all went to hell. Like a glass falling onto concrete, what was once this beautiful cup filled with the delicious life I got to carry with me, shattered on the ground. Its contents spilled out, and I watched as they swirled at my feet, recognizing I’ll never get that back inside what’s been so badly broken.

Justin, Jackie, Adam, and I will never be able to repair this. There simply is no going back to where we had been. I cannot fully detail the events that took place. I’ll write the bits and pieces that I can, for now. I was so provoked, by Jackie, I wound up pushing her, toward the gate to exit our backyard, and screamed at her to “get the fuck out“. Adam ran over to me, and wrapped his arms around my body, pinning my arms to my sides. He held me in the air and prevented me from being able to do anything I might regret. The only time I’ve ever lost my cool, that way, is when someone threatens my family. This time was no different. Shortly before this, Adam had been so provoked, he wound up leaving our home in handcuffs. He’s not an angry, or a violent man. His actions were in REACTION to unjustified aggression. Adam’s just bigger and stronger, so he’s capable of much more damage. Despite this, Adam did not seriously injure him. He did not cause anything beyond some shortness of breath, like getting “the wind knocked out of you”, and possibly a bruise from falling to the ground.

As they cuffed his hands behind his back, I ran to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he gave me a kiss. I begged and pleaded NO PLEASE, NO, but I couldn’t save him. He was so stoic. I didn’t even see fear in his eyes. I saw anger. I saw frustration. I’m pretty sure I saw defeat, as well. He was also recognizing how forever changed we were all sentenced to be. Adam told me to lock the doors. As soon as I shut and locked our front door, I slid down it, onto the floor, and began to sob so loudly, I surprised even myself. I cried so hard, for so long. He spent the night, and most of yesterday, in jail. I posted his bond, and was able to pick him up, late yesterday afternoon. He’s never been arrested, or inside a jail cell. He’s a good man. Just like me, though, he has a limit to what he will tolerate. He’d never hit a woman, either. Just to make sure that part’s clear. It was only me, who lashed out at Jackie. I recognize how vague this must all sound. I not only need to be careful, about what I say right now, but I’m also not ready to take myself back through the entirety of the events that transpired. It’s as if there’s a foggy haze, covering everything inside my world. It’s blurry, and unfamiliar. I’m hurting more than I have ever hurt before. This is the depths of pain, for me. I’m scared to death. I’m sad. I’m grieving the loss of what was, knowing we can’t get that back. I’m grieving the loss of what was supposed to be, knowing that’ll never be. Not in the ways it should’ve been, anyhow. This chapter of life, one that I expected was only beginning, has abruptly ended. The pages were torn from the book. The next chapter’s being rewritten, because the story has changed. It’s not what I wanted. It’s not what I intended. Unfortunately, the damage is done. I know that closure will come, in time. For now, I feel ripped apart inside. It hurts more than I knew I could hurt. Adam blames himself. I don’t blame him. I blame myself, because if I hadn’t lost my shit on Jackie, we likely wouldn’t have ended up in this place. Justin and Jackie betrayed us in such a way, it would be impossible to allow them back inside our world. They caused our family to be irreparably damaged. Instead of working with us, they went completely against us. Instead of helping, they helped to harm. It breaks my heart, to have to say that. I never imagined anything like this would happen to me, or to my beautiful life. To our kids. To our family. It’s making me physically ill. I’m not alright. I have to trust that I will be. For right now, though, I’m confronted with the reality we all played our parts to create. So, I have to live inside it now.

Lo/Hi

You get low
Like a valley
High
Like a bird in the sky
You get low
‘Cause you’re angry
Low
High
High
Low

One at a time
Get in line for the masquerade
Drink ’til you cry
And you’re lying in the mess you made

~The Black Keys

I have seriously not been in any real trouble with Adam, in a very long time! Every so often, a part of me contemplates pushing the boundaries, just to see what’ll happen. Then, another part of me argues, but look how long it’s been since I’ve had a sore behind! That’s the competitive side of me speaking, and she speaks to me much louder than the side whispering ideas to test Adam’s resolve. I’ve had a few instances, spread out over months of time, where I’ve slipped in a little wag of my middle finger, or rolled my eyes. If he reacts with his hand connecting to my backside, it’s not been anything remotely serious. We always goof around together. I frequently receive playful swats on my butt, from Adam’s hands. It’s just that it’s been an incredibly long period of time, since I’ve struggled to stay seated, or had to sleep on my belly for a few nights. I don’t enjoy pissing my husband off. There’s a sort of line, before the LINE. The first line, I know I’m not really supposed to cross. But, when I do, as long as it isn’t frequently done, I know that even if I get spanked for it, he won’t be seriously upset, and my butt will not be sore. The only caveat, would be if I did any of those minor “line crossings” too soon after a serious one. Beings I haven’t taken any big steps over the lines, in so long, I suppose I feel a little bit more cocky about pushing it just a little, a little more often. That’s been the extent of trouble I’ve found, since I can’t even remember when. Last Fall, maybe? Possibly even longer.

One other “side effect”, of my staying away from trouble, is the absolute confidence I bring to our bedroom. I can’t really explain why, but I grow less often “submissive”, when it comes to sex. I want to be on top more. I initiate more often. I talk dirty. That’s not to say that Adam isn’t mostly in control of things, but I guess there’s some sort of “fire” that burns more strongly within me, when I’m filled with the arrogance of having stayed away from the painful kind of spankings that bring out, what I call, Adam’s “hard hands”. I’m very turned on by knowing, seeing, and occasionally feeling the difference between Adam’s gentle hands, and his tough ones. His hands are full of calluses. In fact, his calluses have calluses. He not only works with his hands, but he also works out with weights, at the gym. Despite the roughness in his hands, he’s nearly always incredibly gentle when he puts them on me. It’s only rare occasions, when I’m reminded of how quickly his hands can morph into his very own, built in, “wooden paddles”. I suppose I become less fearful, of those hard hands, when I’ve only experienced his gentle ones for extended periods of time. I wouldn’t say I completely “forget” what they’re capable of. I simply grow to believe more assuredly, that those hard hands won’t make an appearance. So, I’m a little arrogant, in the way I conduct myself. Even in bed. Not that he would ever be someone I even remotely feared, when it comes to intimacy. Adam wouldn’t, and has never forced me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. Regardless of the circumstances! After I’ve done something bad enough to warrant a truly sore behind, I only crave his gentle touches. I need him to make love to me. I need him to hold me. I need him to soothe and comfort me. I need to know he still loves me. He’s still proud of me. He still believes in me. It takes awhile to regain this confidence I generally find, even during sex. I suppose there are good, and not so good things that come from my having stayed out of trouble. I can be sassy, and often tip toe just up to, or sometimes over, the line. I’m not quite as submissive, in my thinking and my actions. However, that can also translate into some great sex.

Those are my thoughts, this morning.

Jackie and I are planning to hang out, after awhile. I planned out our next week’s menu, and got the groceries needed for all our meals. I’m making fiastadas, for supper, tonight. Tomorrow, Adam’s grilling us some pork chops. I’m going to make my lemon and pepper green beans, and some pasta salad, to go with. Sunday, I’m planning to make homemade beef and noodles. I’ve already got pre cooked beef stew meat, that I put in our deep freezer after I’d cooked up a bunch of it. We get a giant container of stew meat, at Costco. Then, I cook it all up, separate it into freezer bags, and save it for later. I’ve also got Mj’s favorite, my Hawaiian hot ham and cheese sandwiches, on the menu for next week. I’ll make meatloaf, one evening. And, I’ve got everything to make a fried chicken casserole recipe everyone loves. That’s about all I’ve accomplished, so far today. I need to get some laundry going, and I’d intended to put on a cute little sundress. I should also get the darned cat litter changed out. That’s our every Friday job. We scoop it, in between Fridays. Then, on Fridays, we dump the whole thing out, I scrub out the inside of the litter box, and refill it with fresh litter. I hate the smell of stinky cat litter boxes! So, I do my best to prevent that permeating smell from ever spreading throughout my house.

I’m not sure what we’ll end up doing, this evening? Maybe I can talk Adam into playing a few games of cornole, with me? We’ll see where the rest of this day goes, I guess! Gosh, I love Summertime! Everyday is left to chance. The predictable, boring daily routines get to disappear, for awhile. Tomorrow, it’ll be JUNE! I’m already buying things for our Fourth of July party, at Poppy’s. Jackie, Mikayla, and I will be leaving for our Gulf Shores trip, in just one week! We’re all excited for that, too. I have a feeling this Summer is going to fly by, much the same way it does every year. While there’s lots to be looking forward to, I also want to do my best to enjoy all my todays. Every today is a chance to make memories. Even the ones that seem mundane, in the moment, become days to look back on and find yourself wishing you could be back inside that day. A day such as this one. A lazy, sunny Summer day, spent at home with my family. I hear my kids upstairs, playing a video game on the TV. The birds are singing loudly. My dogs are sitting at my feet, as I type in my blog. It’s a beautiful day, and I’m certain I’ll one day read the things I wrote here, and think to myself, gosh I wish I could go back inside that day. I know this, because I often have those thoughts, when I look back at my writing from time that’s in the past now. Sometimes it’s merely days later. Sometimes it’s years. It happens often, though. I’d reckon most everyone could relate to those thoughts, when reflecting on their own stories.