I’ve had a family member struggling with terrible health issues. I’m doing everything I can to help her. Seeing her unable to do things she once so enjoyed, in tremendous pain, and with good days so unpredictable and growing fewer, it’s all taking a toll on my own emotional health. This is absolutely not her fault. She did nothing to bring this on herself. There is no blame to go around and maybe that’s even more frustrating? I feel helpless. This is out of my control and I can’t make it better. My stress and hormones are all over the place. We have some very important dates coming up early next month where we’re going to learn whether she’s improving or the disease is progressing and if so, how much time we have left with her.

The smallest things seem to set me off. I feel like my cup is too full. Even one extra drop of water and everything spills over. Adam was trying to get some work done using a new computer program that he’s unfamiliar with. It was getting late, I was tired and grumpy. He was struggling and instead of being supportive, or even just walking away, I made him feel like crap. I reminded him of how incapable he was at similar tasks in the recent past. He’s technologically illiterate. He doesn’t understand what a “cloud” is or how it works. He can’t ever remember a freaking password, so he’s constantly having to recover them. After I had sufficiently crucified him, I finally walked away leaving him to fend for himself. I stepped outside and felt the summer night air. I listened to the locusts and watched an owl fly out of a tree and land on our fence. I opened my blog and began to read my own writings from just hours before. My heart softened and I began to realize how cruel and disrespectful I had just been to Adam. I wished so badly I could take it all back. I wished that Adam had told me to knock it off, yelled at me, punished me, anything other than what he’d done. He’d simply sat there and quietly took in all of my tongue lashing. I knew why he’d stayed silent. I knew I had gotten a pass because Adam knows I’m in pain. I think he feels powerless too because he can’t make this pain stop for me. Adam’s a fixer. He sees a problem and he finds a solution. This is not the kind of problem he has any power to fight, though. I can imagine exactly how he must be feeling because I’m struggling with the same emotions feeling useless and weak against the punches life is throwing right now.

I went back inside and found Adam already laying in bed. He patted my side of the bed, the spot right next to him where I sleep every night. I walked over and climbed into bed and I laid my head on his chest and put my arms around his neck. I wanted to erase the things I’d said to him earlier. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was. I couldn’t find words in that moment. Instead I laid there crying silent tears and trying to wipe them away before they fell on his chest and made him aware of my upset. I didn’t deserve comfort. I can tear down my husband’s confidence so quickly with my angry words and defiant actions. I knew I’d hurt him, made him feel small. He let me do it without fighting back because of the pain and the guilt he feels about what I’m going through right now. I took advantage of the deep love he feels for me. I failed miserably at submission last night. I am so very sorry for that.

I once saw a quote that read “If you want your husband to lead, you have to step down and allow him to.” This might not have been applicable 50 years ago, but it certainly is now. What was once expected of men and marriage, seems to be the exception to the rule now. I am certainly all for women’s rights. I vote. I think women should be free to choose how they want to live their lives. I know that there are plenty of men and women who would never even consider a husband as the Head of Household (HoH). They are partners, equals. I used to feel exactly that way, too.

I absolutely believe that my husband and I are of equal value. We are both intelligent people with our own unique strengths and abilities. I married a man who recognizes all of the ways that I contribute to our family and relationship. He appreciates me for all of me. He also knows my flaws. He has learned when to encourage me, when to help me, and when to do it for me. He knows these things because I’ve trusted him enough to step aside and let him lead. I suppose he could have forced me to submit to his will had he been a violent and cruel man, but he’s not those things, and most men aren’t either. I truly believe that there are many (maybe most) men among us who are aching to feel worthy of the woman they love’s trust in their ability to lead well. I also believe there are many women who are silently begging their man to step up and be a good leader. I can’t tell you the weight off my shoulders knowing that my husband has got us.

My challenge to other women is to simply give him a chance. If you disagree about how to handle a problem, where to go on vacation, whether to save or spend that unexpected bonus money, take a deep breath and let him lead, just this once. I can almost promise you the world will not come to an end. You surely married a competent and loving man? Even IF it turns out your way was the better option, watch how your husband responds to being validated in that moment when his wife actually trusted him to get it right. I am NOT a perfect example of submission, not even close. I fail to bite my tongue more often than I’m prepared to admit here. The thing is, I can count the number of times my husband’s way turned out bad on TWO fingers. Yep, two. That’s all. And, when he realized he’d made the wrong choice, let me tell you, he did everything in his power to make it right. We’re still here. We have a beautiful home, happy and healthy kids. We’re not rich, but I don’t have to worry about how we’re going to pay the electric bill or anything like that. I’m so proud of Adam’s ability to steer us in the right direction. I’ve seen him make countless selfless decisions for the good of his family. I’ve convinced him that my way was the best choice, and been completely and utterly wrong. Adam never blamed me or held that over my head. If we end up in a tough spot, whether it’s my doing or his, Adam carries that weight without hesitation, anger, or blame. He takes his leadership responsibilities very seriously. He doesn’t abuse his authority. He knows the authority he has over us is because I’ve freely and willingly submitted to him. He could be a tyrant and make all these choices without bothering to involve me, but he’d never do that because he has a love and mutual respect for me. I know he would give up all of his worldly possessions to get me something I needed if that’s what it took. You see, when I choose to submit to his leadership, his devotion to me and his commitment to what’s best for ME actually grows. If I nagged him for every choice, mistake, or insisted we always do it my way, his confidence would crumble. How could he ever do right by us if I never gave him the opportunity? How could he “prove” his love for me if I refused to trust him to have my best interests at heart? I’m not suggesting wives shouldn’t have opinions or share them! I’m simply asking that you consider stepping down, even just this once, and see how your husband leads. You might even find, like I did, that your faith in your husband grows as his enthusiasm to provide and protect you will. You, dear wives, have the amazing ability to inspire your husband to do everything possible to make your life better, if you simply allow him to step up to the plate and prove himself ❤️

We live in the suburbs. Our neighborhood reminds me of the streets and houses from that old show “The Wonder Years”. Of course, our houses are updated and I don’t think anyone in our neighborhood drives a wood paneled station wagon, but y’all get the picture. We have block parties and our kids play with all of the neighbor’s kids. If I need to borrow some sugar, I can call on a neighbor. Everyone’s friendly and it’s safe to let the kids ride their bikes around the block.

We were barbecuing and playing in the pool a couple weekends ago. Some of our neighbors and their kids meandered over and we cracked open some beers and sat outside on the patio. I had music playing and I jokingly leaned in and told my friend this song made me almost wish I did drugs because it’s a total “get high with me” type of song. We giggled and I looked up to see her boyfriend standing right there. He told me he outta put me over his knee and have Adam spank me for saying something like that! Now, I know he would never do that, but I also know he happens to have a lot of family and friends who’ve been destroyed by drugs. Nothing more was said about that and we had a great evening hanging outside with everyone. It was only later that I began to wonder, do they know? Adam’s never been shy about giving me “the look” or even about slapping my butt just because he feels like it. I try to live out my commitment to submission in my marriage. I don’t hide the fact that Adam’s the ultimate authority in our home. I have to wonder though, how much have our neighbors actually seen, heard, or inferred? Do we give off spanky vibes? Or, maybe my neighbors girlfriend got quiet when he said that because we’re not the only couple on the block with a paddle hidden somewhere in our house?