Have I adequately described who my husband is on here? He’s easy on the eyes, of course I may be biased, but plenty of evidence has shown I’m not alone in my thinking. There’s always a girl when we’re out who’s trying to get too close to my man. I’m not the jealous type. It doesn’t bother me because I know he’s coming home with me. He never hides the fact that he’s happily married, either. He’s got great hair, although it’s thinned in the back the last few years and he’s self conscious about it. He has a beard and I love it. He has perfect teeth. A sexy voice. He is a big sports guy, particularly football. He was a local hometown football hero in high school and went on to play college football. He’s super outgoing and friendly. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like him. Although, it’s always crazy to see or hear him at work because he’s kind of a hard ass there. One of his old co workers dated my best friend for awhile and he questioned her “Adam is kind of mean! Is he like that at home with her??” Of course her answer was “NOO. He’s wrapped around her finger.” He’s never raised his voice to me, ever. He gets upset, angry even sometimes, but never mean and always calm. He is a man of his word, and everyone who knows him knows that. He’s about 6’1”, so nearly an entire foot taller than me. He’s strong and stays in shape. I’ve only seen him lose an arm wrestling match once, and he’s always being challenged. We once did one of those “punch measuring” machines where you punch the bag and it measures how hard you hit it. He won, but I actually beat out a couple of the guys…gotta brag on me for a minute here quick, too 😉

Adam works harder than anyone I’ve known. He knew from the start that I wanted to be a stay at home mom and he’s always made that possible for me. He doesn’t like to sit still very often. Our favorite TV show was “Sons of Anarchy” and he would sit and watch that every week with me. Our daughter was born on the premier of one of the seasons and we watched from the hospital that night! He enjoys a beer or two, but doesn’t get drunk. I’ve never seen him hit anyone before. A couple of times, he’s made it known he would if an idiot didn’t knock it off, but it’s never come to that. He’s never out looking for a fight with anyone. He absolutely loves his GMC Duramax pickup truck. He’s bought me every vehicle I’ve wanted. He didn’t even see our new home until we came to sign papers and get the keys. My best friend and I came to look at some houses and this one was “it”. He asked me “Is it your dream house? Is it what you want?” When I said yes, that was all he needed. He told them go ahead with the offer on it. He has loved me through some very rough shit. Some of it I put him through with my own stupidity. Some of it was just life. His college roommate committed suicide in his room and that’s haunted him to this day wondering, why didn’t I see any signs? His dad passed away of cancer the day before our wedding. His best friend passed away from cancer at 26 years old, just months after his dad. His mom is amazing. I love her so much! He has brothers. One has a small business and the other is a pilot for a regional airline. He is a great big softie when it comes to babies and baby animals, just like me. We are considering fostering children soon. We have the space and the love, so we have talked a lot about it recently.

Adam is a little more involved in the political world than I prefer to be. He’s not hateful or in any way racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. but he’s more “conservative” than I consider myself. He quit using tobacco just about 2 months ago and I’m soooo proud of him for it! He loves my cooking. I pack him lunch and snacks for work everyday, too. The guy can eat! I don’t know how he puts down so much food and stays looking like he does.

Adam is away for work this week. The first time he’s ever been gone for an entire week. I miss him like crazy. He left yesterday morning and I sent him a text about 5 minutes after he pulled away saying “I changed my mind. I don’t think you should go.” I was obviously kidding. I can’t make him stay, as much as I’d have loved to. He doesn’t want to be away anymore than I want him to be. The kids and I are eating lots of macaroni and cheese, homemade pizza, and ice cream sundaes this week since it’s just us. My son has to be the little “man of the house” while his daddy’s away so he’s responsible for cutting the grass and making sure trash gets put out on the curb for trash day. He’s so sweet, loves to take care of his mama and sister. Adam is teaching him well 🙂

Adam left this morning. It’s way too quiet.

Reading my story and my thoughts here, I wonder what you picture? A buttoned up, uber conservative, straight laced, “Olivia Walton” type? For the record, The Waltons is one of my favorite TV shows. I am certainly no Olivia, though. I’m an adrenaline junkie. I love driving fast cars, water sports, riding horses, riding on the back of a motorcycle, cliff diving, rip cord jumping. I own several guns, and I’m a real good shot. I have tattoos. One on the inside of my arm between my wrist and elbow that my brother and sister got matching. One just above my hip for Adam (pictured above), and one on my back for my kids. In what seems like a whole lifetime ago, I was an addict. My biggest insecurity is my boobs. Babies and breastfeeding has left me where I’m looking to have them fixed. I have a 144 IQ, but was always complimented for my looks, never my intelligence. “Music City” is my home, where country music reigns. I do enjoy me some good country hits, but I also have lots of rap, hip hop, hard rock, and classic rock on my playlists. The most relaxing thing I can do is to get in my car, turn up a good song on my kick ass car stereo and drive around the city. My favorite artists are local independent ones. We actually live minutes from a couple of great artists. Jelly Roll has been my current favorite on my playlist, although Upchurch “How Can You Blame Us” is a great representation of Nashvillians. We’re good friends with a few local singer/songwriters and we all get together and sit outside in a circle while a bunch of us play guitar and sing songs. I don’t curse everyday, but I do occasionally throw an appropriate fuck, shit, damn or hell into a sentence. I’m a bit of a neat freak. I like things to be in their place. I can be a procrastinator, as I’ve written about here. I am very sassy. Not in a rude way, mostly, but more of a silly, funny sassy. I will always fiercely defend my family and friends. I’ve lost my shit on 2 people in my life. One sorry excuse for a man who beat the hell out of my best friend. I’m 5’2” and about 95 pounds, but he ran his mouth as we were about to pull away after I’d come to get her out of there. I didn’t even put my car in park. I jumped over my best friend sitting in the passenger seat and out the car window and proceeded to punch him and slap him repeatedly. In retrospect, I suppose what saved me from retaliation was the fact that he knew who my husband was and what he’d do to him if he hurt me. The other time was a sorry excuse for a woman who was inebriated and angry and picked up a shoe and threw it right at my then 3 year old daughter. Yep, Adam had to tear me off that crazy bitch. I don’t like to fight, and it takes a LOT to get me that angry, but I ain’t afraid to scrap. My mom is not in our lives. I wrote a little on here about her and I said she passed away, or we “lost her”. We did lose her, but she didn’t die. She is an addict and it got so bad that we had to step away for ours and our children’s safety. She did a lot of cruel and unbelievable things to me, and I’m not healed enough to talk much about it yet. My dad is the best human on this earth. I am so blessed to have him and so are my kids. My dad is also semi famous. Locally, very well known, but also many folks around the world know who he is. I’m a Christian, but I am not religious. One of my closest friends is a lesbian. My sister has dated both men and women. The God I pray to would not condemn them to hell because of who they love. I’m not that kind of Christian. I certainly don’t believe that every marriage should look like mine does, either. I’ll never judge anyone for living out their relationships the way they’re meant to. Politically, I suppose I’m somewhere in the middle, libertarian leaning area. I love my country and have several family members currently serving in our armed forces. I don’t want war. I love my 2A rights, but I hate the violence. I was raped by a cop in my early 20s who ultimately only got demoted for it. Despite this, I don’t hate all cops. I want us to do a better job of holding bad ones accountable. I don’t appreciate having to pay $5 a gallon for gas, but I don’t want to support evil leaders who torment their own people just so that we can get some of their oil for cheap. Where does this put me? Who knows? I guess I’m kind of a “don’t tread on me” kinda gal. I’m not uninformed, I’m just aware that I don’t have all the answers. I’m a pretty good cook. I enjoy coming up with new recipes and feeding my family home cooked meals every night. I don’t love baking so much, though. Summer is my favorite season, by far. Gerber daisies, particularly the orange ones, are my favorite flowers. I’m a dog person, but I don’t dislike cats. I especially have a soft spot for pit bulls. Our youngest dog is a pit/lab mix. We have 2 dogs and one cat. Even our cat is trained to do high fives, “beg”, sit, lay down, and wave. My daughter had 2 pet “dumbo” rats. One of them passed away last month. They’re over 2 years old, so in rat years, old men. I don’t like to kill anything, even flies. I feel guilty if I have to do it. I am a fan of most insects and not afraid to let them crawl on me. Large spiders and snakes are my only nemesis. I’m a beer drinking kinda girl. I’ve never much cared for wine or any of the sweet stuff. I like to think I’m a pretty good Mama. Our kids are easy, well behaved kids. And clearly, I am absolutely, madly in love with my husband.

A lot of people will scream when they’re startled, or especially scared. You get up in the middle of the night, round the corner, and bump into someone who shouldn’t be there. Many people would scream in that instance. Me? I freeze. I always go mute when I’m startled by something unexpected. This is also something I do when a spanking is starting to really hurt. I yelp and give an “owwwwie” to playful swats and even the first of the not so playful ones. Once it starts to be actually painful, I rarely make any sound. I wonder if that’s weird? Adam knows me very well, and he definitely knows this about me, so I’m sure it has helped to guide him in how effective he’s being during discipline. He was in a much better mood last night, although I was already feeling a little sad knowing he’s going to be leaving soon. Not grouchy, just more quiet than usual I suppose. At bedtime, after our typical routine, I was just rounding my side of the bed, about to get into bed, when Adam came up behind me. He told me he wanted to get a little use out of the belt he’d left laying on the floor all week. He spun me around to face him and I instinctively threw my arms around his neck. He started to spank me with the belt and I did my yelping after the first few swats with it. He was smiling and I was giggling too. Then, he gave me one good one and I immediately stopped making noise and grabbed him even tighter. That was his clear signal that that one had hurt. He laid me down on the bed and used his belt to tie my hands above my head so he could explore me with his hands and eyes. We made love and I spent the night tucked into his arms. I’m as sexual a being as my husband is. I don’t know how I’m going to make it a whole week without feeling him on top of me, inside of me. I fully intend to make the most out of our last night together before he leaves. I love to feel the places he’s been on and in my body ache the next day just enough to remind me that Adam was here.

Adam is going to be out of town for work soon. He has to leave this Saturday and won’t be back home until the following weekend. We’ve never had to be separated for that long. A couple of days here and there, but even then, I miss him like crazy! I imagine this next week will feel like an eternity.

Adam had a rough day yesterday, so I was very glad that I had done all the things I’d agreed to. I didn’t add any fuel to his fire. He has always been so good at coming home and not bringing his troubles with him. Even so, I could feel his frustrations. My vacuum cleaner had gotten clogged with something while I was cleaning, so he worked on that. A napkin was the culprit. I’d been using the hose behind and around furniture and it appeared someone had dropped a napkin where it didn’t belong. I’d prepared a very southern meal for us. Smothered pork chops, green bean casserole, and macaroni and cheese. Despite my cooking, miraculously, no one in our home is overweight 😆 So, I spent the rest of the evening quietly cleaning the kitchen and giving Adam some space to relax and recover from a long day that hadn’t gone so good.

By the time we went to bed, Adam had shaken his bad mood. I felt a little sad that he was leaving in just a few days and we’d had a whole evening with very little conversation or silliness. I’m hoping that tonight we can get “back to” us again.

I finished writing this one today, and since I’m bored, I thought I’ll go ahead and post another for y’all. It’s a rainy, dreary day here so I’ve been writing and finishing some blog posts 🙂

I was contemplating about the differences between respect and fear. While both have the potential to change someone’s behaviors, the motivation is so very different. When you fear someone, you are acting out of genuine, anxiety riddled, fear at the thought of what they might do. Likely, because they’ve done it before. Maybe you fear a dog who has bitten more than once. People fear an abusive spouse, parent, etc. They stay within the boundaries their tyrant has set for them because they know that stepping outside those lines equals terror inducing “punishment”. Days are spent walking on eggshells, fearing what their tyrant is going to say or do next.

Respect is much different. When you respect someone, you are acknowledging that they are worthy and deserving of your respect. They have shown you time and again they’re worthy and have earned your willingness to listen, share, open yourself up to them. In the case of a husband and wife, a wife respects her husband because he has shown himself to be a dependable provider and protector. She submits to him, not out of fear, but out of genuine respect. Yes, there are boundaries, but your protector is there to keep you safe. He might correct you, or “discipline”, but the motivation is key. Being chastised in love is very different from being beaten up mentally, physically, or emotionally by a hateful tyrant. Adam honors me as his wife and as the mother of his children everyday when he puts our needs first. The very best way to show my appreciation is to be respectful toward him.

When I have to confess something to Adam, I sometimes use the word “afraid”. I might tell him “I was afraid to tell you this…”. The truth is, I do not in any way fear him. He has never shown himself to be a bully or tyrant. He isn’t unreasonable or unkind, even when I’ve really screwed up. I know that the things he does, whether I enjoy it or not, are always because he is working to guide, love, and protect me.

It’s such a blessing to find someone who always has your very best interests at heart. Someone you fear, is someone who is selfish. Someone you respect, is someone who is giving and often selfless.

First, I’m happy to report that I’ve been checking all the “to do’s” off my list this week. 🙂

I was thinking this morning about some times when I’ve spoken to Adam in a horribly disrespectful way, especially in front of other people. It’s such a mystery to even me, but there are moments when I’m saying things and I recognize they’re not appropriate or respectful, but I simply cannot, or will not, stop myself. I never think of it as a “test” for Adam or anything like that. I literally am not sorry for the things coming out of my mouth in the moment. I might be angry, or I might be attempting to convince Adam exactly why I’m right and he’s wrong and in my head I’m saying “He is so stupid sometimes. How can he not know how right I am? He knows I’m right. He is picking a fight. It’s his fault. Im not overreacting one bit.” It can literally be days before I might look back and acknowledge just how irrational and reactionary I had been in that moment. It is almost always the dumbest crap, too! Arguing over how many miles it is to somewhere. Seriously, that was one of the things I refused to back down on once in a conversation with some friends. Adam said it was X miles to somewhere and I insisted he was wrong, it’s only Y miles. It mattered absolutely zero who was right. I couldn’t just let it go, though. I look back and recognize how I belittled and disrespected my husband acting like I did. I know I was wrong to do that. And I wonder, why? Why do I still have days or moments when I absolutely cannot stop myself from being an insufferable bitch? As deeply as I desire to respect, obey, submit to Adam…I fail. I truly can’t say that I have a tight grasp on the why of it all. I think maybe I am subconsciously “testing” him? Maybe I’m just a bitch sometimes? Maybe I feel a strong desire for Adam to stand up to me, stand up for himself, to demand more respect, and to let me know that he is still in charge? Maybe deep down I want reassurance that he can and will take me away, bend me over, and spank me like the child I’m behaving like? Maybe I’m more afraid he won’t do anything? Maybe I’m wondering if he even wants to bother with me? Does he figure I’m worth it? Maybe I am alone in my desires for a husband who wishes to be the leader in his family and he’s given up? Maybe I’m too much? As I already said here, I can’t exactly say why I get those occasional moments when I have very little, if any, self restraint. I do know that the very worst thing my husband could do is to do nothing. That I’m certain of. There is something so primal and so sexy about knowing your man loves you enough to keep you inside the lines y’all have drawn together. Maybe I don’t see it at the time, but I really am just feeling out of control and desperately need for him to set me right again. I have my own insecurities like all humans do. I suspect I’m not alone here. It isn’t something talked about often, but it’s real life, at least for me it is. I sing Adam’s praises here, and he seriously is fucking amazing. But, I am definitely guilty of forgetting that every once in awhile and I wind up convincing myself again of all the reasons I can think of as to why he is not going to do a thing if I act out on my bitchy mood, because, he doesn’t really care that much anymore anyway.

I know many many men and women use what is called “maintenance” spankings and also practice “warning” spankings. Maintenance is to remind us who is in charge and what will happen if we forget that. Adam has never really done that. He slaps my behind many times daily, playfully. Sometimes it stings a little, but certainly not on the same level as when I’m actually getting a deserved spanking. He’s also never done anything like a reminder or warning spanking. I believe this is to be done before a situation where you’ve been known to slip up occurs. A warning or a reminder to behave. All of this to say, it appears he’s taken on the latter one of these types now, 13 years into our marriage.

To start at the beginning, I did call the pest control company as I said I would do. Unfortunately, I was told the lady who handles the billing was on vacation and wouldn’t be back until the following day. The man I spoke with asked me to call back tomorrow and ask for Jenny. “Ok, great.” I thought, “Now I have to tell Adam this issue was not, in fact, resolved.” I knew that I could explain and that Adam would trust what I said. I wanted to back up what I said as well, though. So, I sent him a screenshot of the phone call I’d made and texted the situation to him. He was proud of me for making the call, but reminded me to make sure to call again the next day since we didn’t get our issue corrected with them. I assured him that I would call back the following day. All was well.

We had a nice evening. It rained and thundered for a solid hour while we ate supper and we all enjoyed the sounds because it had been a very long time since we’d heard or seen a good rain here. It was a quiet, relaxing evening with no lectures or looks from Adam. When it was time for bed, we both do our bedtime routine. Adam brushes his teeth while I unmake the bed and set aside the throw pillows. Then I brush my teeth, put lotion on, chapstick, and usually throw on one of his t shirts from his dresser to wear as a nightgown to bed. By this time, Adam is almost always waiting for me in bed. So, I climb into bed and snuggle into his waiting arms. He asked me what all was on my agenda for tomorrow. I told him about an appointment for our daughter at a doctor nearly an hour from us that I need to take her to as well as making the repeat phone call to our darned pest control company. He reminded me that I will need to go and get our car tags renewed on Wednesday. I had this pit in my stomach. I’m not afraid to be honest with Adam. It’s very cathartic to know I can share any and everything with him and get it all out so I don’t have to carry the weight of anything by myself. So, I told him the truth. “I’m real nervous that I won’t get it done on Wednesday. I want to do it. I want to make you proud. I’m just not sure how motivated I’m going to be on Wednesday to have to go through all of that after having to drive to [our daughter’s] appointment tomorrow.” Adam was quiet for a second, contemplating. His hand continued to softly caress my arm like he’d been doing this whole time. Finally, he speaks. He says that he thinks he knows how to motivate me. He sits up in bed and pulls me over his lap, lifts the t shirt I’m wearing and pulls my panties down, and spanks me with his hand. It wasn’t as hard or as long as the last time he’d spanked me, but it stung. When it was over, he pulled me back down to lay in his arms. He pointed to his belt, still lying on the floor from the weekend, and said that tomorrow he would motivate me with that if he needed to. Then, he took my hand and placed it over the left side of his bare chest. He asked me “Do you feel that? This is yours. You have all of my heart and I will never hurt you. Maybe your behind sometimes, but I will never do anything to hurt you. I love you.”

I understand that I’ve been neglecting a lot of things I needed to do, and he is only helping me to get back on track. I realize that everything he does, everything he says, is because he is loving, protecting, and providing for me to the very best of his abilities. I respect it. I accept it. I am grateful.

Well, today is Monday. Adam asked me last night to tell him again what I was going to get done today. I told him I would call the pest control company. He asked me, “what else?” I knew he meant the car tags, so I gave a long dramatic “ughhhhh”. I argued (sweetly, because I can be very persuasive when I want to be) that Mondays are the worst days to go to places like the DMV. Those are their busiest days. He thought about it and told me he would give me til Wednesday to get the tags renewed. So now, I’ve technically got until he gets home from work on Wednesday to make that trip. However, he has left the belt he brought out on Friday night right there on the floor on my side of our bed and told me to leave it there because it would be a good reminder to make sure I get these things done. Every morning when I get out of bed, when I make our bed, and when we go to bed, it’s right there. I haven’t called our pest control company just yet, but it’s still morning here, so I have some time to knock that off my list. I truly don’t ignore my duties in our home just for the hell of it. I don’t do it to push Adam’s buttons. I don’t do it to be a stubborn and unreliable wife. I occasionally go through periods of time when I find it incredibly hard to make myself do chores that involve dealing with strangers. I can’t quite explain it. I’m normally very outgoing and social. There are just times when I find it nearly impossible. I also understand that Adam doesn’t get up early every morning excited for another long day at work. He doesn’t feel like doing all of the things he has to get done, either. So I know that my actions seem childish and irresponsible. I am fully intending to make this phone call today. It may be this afternoon, but I want to get it done because I do not want to feel that belt on my behind tonight. I want to make Adam proud and have a quiet, relaxing evening with him tonight. Disappointing him is just about the worst feeling in the entire world for me. Tomorrow, I will report back and fully intend to write about how I did do the things I said I’d do 🙂

This weekend, we had some friends drive down to see us. The kids got to play with his daughter and his older son and daughter hung out with us out back playing cornhole and “water pong”. That’s beer pong but with water in the cups and nobody has to drink. It’s been a lot of fun.

This morning, I’m reflecting on things and thought about how open we are with most everyone in our lives. I see many couples who practice some form of DD who feel they have to quietly shield their family and friends from that aspect of their relationships. We certainly don’t share everything with everybody, but Adam makes shameless comments like “you want another spanking?” He slapped my behind yesterday (playfully) and asked if it still hurt. Our friends were around, and nobody ever seems to think a thing of it. He’s only ever really spanked me once in front of my best friend, years ago. Even then, I was fully clothed and it was just several quick hard swats. My best friend was over a couple of days ago and I’d told her about the things I’d been procrastinating on and that I was pretty sure Adam was going to punish me. The thing is, in all other relationships I have with family and friends, I’m the strong one. I’m the one they lean on. I’m the one who has to keep it together when stuff happens. Adam is the only person on this earth who I submit to and can always count on to have my back when stuff goes bad. My friends and family see me as a strong and capable woman. They look to me when they need help. They understand that Adam is my husband, that I am under only his authority, and that’s never taken away any of the respect they have for me. I think our men friends actually treat me more respectfully knowing that Adam takes my well being very very seriously, so they’ll also be answering to him if anything happens while I’m with them. It’s a security that’s hard to explain in words, but I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone. I love my husband. I’m not afraid to let everyone know that I respect him. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed that this is how we do things in our home.