I woke up yesterday morning with a sore throat and my headache had returned. I was pretty grumpy about it. I’m testing negative for covid now, so I don’t know what is going on? Our friend, Biscuit, came over to detail my car. I had to pick him up yesterday because he buys and sells vehicles all the time and he didn’t have one right now. It was super hot out yesterday afternoon, so he worked on it when the sun went down and stayed the night here so he could get up early this morning to finish. It’s actually beautiful out this morning! I’ll have to drive him back home later today, which is going to suck because construction on the interstate here is making traffic even worse than it usually is.

Adam and I were talking last night about how good I’ve been about staying several steps away from “crossing the line”.

I’m sure it helps that I haven’t had but one day where I’ve felt great in the last week. Adam mentioned that I’m probably making my blog pretty boring right now. I told him I don’t do crap to upset him just so I can write about it! I like it when he is proud of me and when I have absolutely nothing giving me a guilty conscience. That doesn’t mean I won’t find a way to get in trouble one of these days, but I do enjoy the nice, quiet evenings with him.

We have sex literally everyday, at least once, most of the time. I couldn’t while I had a kidney infection, obviously, but other than things like that, we both like to get it on! I think we were both exhausted last night. It was one of those rare nights when we just fell asleep together, instead. I slept with my head on his chest all night long. When I’m sleeping on him, and it’s time for him to get up, he always takes his pillow and slides it sideways next to me, under my head, so I don’t wake up. I didn’t ever know about this until awhile back. I told him I notice that I must take his pillow after he gets up, because I wake up a lot of mornings and I’m laying on it. He told me he’s done that for years. I had no idea! I know that seems like such a small thing, but it meant a lot to me. I love how well he takes care of me. That he thinks of things to do for me that I might not even realize he’s done. It is just another way he shows me he loves me ❤️

I might’ve been a little “cocky”, arrogant, “lippy”, last night. I felt so good by yesterday evening. Got my energy back, my appetite’s returning…as well as my attitude. I was being a smart ass and told Adam I’m excited because I’m not standing right on the “edge of a cliff” with him, so I’ve got several steps I can take before I’m near the edge (the belt) again. I’ve got no guilt on my conscience at all right now. He reminded me how easy it seems to be for me to find my way right back to the “cliff” again. I said “I ain’t scared.” He threw me down on the bed and took his shirt off. He quickly removed my clothes and climbed on top of me. It definitely wasn’t the sweet, gentle, making love kind of sex. He was putting me “in my place”. It was sexy as hell, though.

Today, I’m listening to a new playlist I made. I felt like putting on a pretty little sundress and doing my hair and makeup. I’m cleaning and hanging out with my daughter. She’s feeling much better today, too. I think she’ll be able to go back to school tomorrow. I really want to add to the tattoo on my arm that my brother and sister and I have, and I got a great idea that just came to me. I’m feelin’ a bit ornery. Trying to channel it into things that don’t get me into trouble. I guess we’ll see where this magical day takes us?

We ended up going over to my Dad’s house and listening to some music last night. It was a lot of fun! Kiddos stayed home and Jackie took very good care of my poor sick baby. She’s doing much better today, just needs to be kept on Tylenol and Motrin to keep her fever down. It’s over 90 degrees out and probably 99% humidity, but she’s wrapped up in a blanket. Oliver is watching over her, too ❤️

Between being down with covid and finally getting through the 2 weeks I couldn’t spend money, I haven’t given Adam any reasons to be upset with me. It’s been pretty quiet and uninteresting here I guess! We’ll see how long it lasts, but for now anyway, no cause for any mention of that dreaded belt of his. I’m doing some laundry and cleaned the kitchen. Adam and our son are outside cutting the grass. It’s looking like a blessed, but rather boring Sunday at our house. When I’m feeling 100%, my brain will both come up with ideas for better blog posts, and ways to get into trouble again at some point, I’m sure.

Last night, Adam and I sat out back and set up corn hole. It was fun to just hang out with him. This is the first Saturday he’s taken off work in a long time, so we usually don’t do much on Friday nights. We had plans to go watch a football game with my sister and her husband, and then head to my Dad’s. So, I talked him into staying home today so we could do all of that. We can’t go to my sister’s now because she’s pregnant and definitely doesn’t need covid. There’s still a chance we’ll make it over to my Dad’s house this evening to sit out and watch some friends play guitar and sing their songs.

I have a headache that won’t quit and I’m feeling very tired today, but I’m going to take a nap and try to rally. I’ve been so looking forward to a music night with our friends! Maybe next week, Jackie and I can make our shopping trip that we intended to do this weekend. Adam gave me a budget for our excursion, but it shouldn’t be hard to stick to.

I’m exhausted. I’ll write something more tomorrow if there’s anything to say!

I’ve been feeling kind of crappy the last few days, and I just knew being at the hospital, where sick people go, I would end up with covid again. Darn it if I wasn’t right…. I have been achy in my head and neck and shoulders. My Apple Watch keeps telling me my heart rate rose above 100 while I appear to be inactive, which is a symptom I’ve had every time I’ve had covid. Never happens to me anytime besides with stupid covid. I’ve never been any sicker with it than with a regular head cold, but I get it that not everyone is that fortunate. My son was home yesterday with mild cold like symptoms, but he’s fine now. Still home just in case, but he feels good. My daughter has been perfectly fine and Adam has never had symptoms when we’ve all had covid. So, I guess Jackie and my shopping trip is going to have to be postponed ☹️ It figures…

I’ve been alone with my thoughts for awhile this morning, and I just had a very deep realization. My mom has left more than once. She would be angry. I’d have no idea what I did wrong most of the time. I’d think back to something I’d done or said before and explain to myself that this was why. When I was about 11 years old and my brother was 10, she had one of those days. She was angry and yelling and throwing things. We snuck out through the back door and ran about 3 miles, in our bare feet, on a rock road, to our Grandma’s house. This did not turn out to be a wise choice because Grandma called our mother. Fortunately, by the time we were taken home, our dad was home. We got the silent treatment from her. She wouldn’t even look at me. I drew her a picture and wrote her a poem to say I was sorry. I’d made a home made envelope to put my note in and I peeked around the corner when I saw her get up to go get her morning coffee. She threw it in the garbage can without even opening it. She never had any problems calling me a “bitch” a “slut” or plenty of other cruel things. She would yank me out of the bed I was sleeping in and drag me by my hair. Slap my face hard enough she busted my lip open. I walked on eggshells most of my childhood around her. Always wondering what will her mood be now? As a teenager, I completely rebelled. She couldn’t hurt me anymore. I moved out when I was 17 years old. My relationship with her actually got a lot better after my first child was born. She was doing really well and seemed to have completely changed. I think she had, for awhile. About 4 years ago, she started taking a whole variety of prescription meds she got from different “doctors”. She changed into someone I recognized well from my childhood. She could look at me and spew the most hateful things from her mouth and I’d look into her eyes and all I saw was empty nothing. She didn’t give any fucks about me anymore. Or my children. When we finally had to tell her no more, I had to take her to court and ask for a restraining order…against my own mother. Once this happened, she began a war to hurt me in any way that she could. She called child services and claimed I abused my kids. She accused me of still being an addict. I had a brief struggle years ago, but never again. I will never be my mother!!! She turned people who were like family against me with lies she told. She would come over and try to get into our house. Our kids hid in their rooms while she screamed that she would kill everyone inside if we didn’t open the door. She kicked and broke most of my yard lights around my flower bed. Killed a bunch of my flowers by pulling or kicking them out. There was a period of time when I had to prepare my children on where to go hide if my mother came to the house and got inside. There’s so much I could write here, but I think I’ve gotten into it enough for now.

I realized, I have trauma from this. It occurred to me that maybe this is why I’m so afraid that my husband might not love me when I screw up. Maybe this is why I’m so afraid to look into his eyes and not see his love for me in them, even when I’m wrong. Maybe this is also why I so want him to stand up to me before it gets bad. To stop me before I turn into a monster. I need to know that he is looking out for me, for us. I also need to know that he isn’t going to leave me. I have a real fear of that now. One that I didn’t have until the last few years. I never thought of myself as needy or clingy at all. It is so reassuring to hear him remind me that he loves me. To look into his eyes and not ever see hatred. To feel his touch and know that his hands are always guided by love for me. Even when I’m in trouble. Even if he’s got me bent over with his belt on my behind. As long as I always know he loves me, and he’ll never leave me, I feel safe. When he gets upset, even if it comes to the damn belt, he still loves me and wants the very best for me.

I learned this about myself just now. Sitting on the deck, drinking my coffee. I figured out a little more about who I am, what I need, and even why.

Those stupid stinkin’ dish towels…I really did go online and cancel the order. Unfortunately, I found out they were already prepared for shipping and they arrived yesterday afternoon. I put them in our bedroom, on my nightstand. I decided I’m just going to be honest. My first thought was to put them up somewhere until next week so he never had to know about this. I knew that could backfire, though. When Adam gets home, he always comes into the kitchen to kiss me hello and then to our bedroom so he can change out of his work clothes. I followed him into our room and I shut the door and laid it out for him. I told him I really had tried to cancel it, but I couldn’t even prove that because it doesn’t show that I tried anywhere, but please believe me on this. One thing I don’t do is lie to his face. His trust in that is very very important to me. I can’t jeopardize that over some dish towels. He looked at me with a smirk on his face and pulled me in for a hug. He told me he believed me. Then he got out his belt and came over to me. I could tell he wasn’t angry with me. I was still very nervous about that damn belt, though. He playfully smacked my behind once with it, but not hard. He said he wasn’t upset and again told me he believed me. He also mentioned that I saved my ass tonight because he was actually going to ask me to show him my Amazon account orders. Had I chosen not to tell the truth, he would’ve seen those towels were delivered. He told me if I’d done that, he would’ve “whipped my butt” with this, as he held up his belt. Thank GOD I thought better of ever trying to hide this from him. I’m not using the towels until this week is over, but I can keep them.

We usually shower together in the evening. We get to talk alone in there and I’ve learned that being naked and in an enclosed space together can help a lot when you need to say something. I’m vulnerable. I’m in a shower, inside our bathroom, inside our bedroom. I can’t exactly escape quickly when I have soap all in my hair and 3 doors I’d have to go through to get away. I love our time like this every night. We talked about the previous night quite a bit. Just telling each other how we were feeling about it today now. He reminded me that I only have a few more days left and then I can go with Jackie to all the shops I want to again. I am not going to try to even stretch this “rubber band” anymore. I don’t want the belt. And I don’t want Adam to feel disrespected.

Jackie had to go into the office to work today, so I’m home all alone. She usually gets to work from home and chooses her own hours. It’s a lot of fun being able to go out somewhere for an hour or two and hang out. Next week, we already have plans for the places we’re going to! I’m going to be an obedient and respectful wife and mind my husband for this last few days of no buying anything unnecessary. I can do it!

Jackie picked up a worn out ottoman from someone in the neighborhood giving it away. We used some fabric and recovered it last night so it looks brand new. We love to repurpose old things and make them beautiful. Sometimes, sell them and make some money. Sometimes, keep things for ourselves. That’s what we were doing last night in the kitchen when Adam got home. I had enchiladas in the oven and they only had about 5 minutes left. Adam came in and told me “hi boo” and kissed my forehead. We talked about the ottoman we had done and he complimented us on it. Supper was ready so I made up the kids plates and then Jackie and Adam filled theirs. Everybody sat at the table, except for me. I couldn’t eat. When everyone was finished eating, I cleaned the dishes and busied myself in the kitchen. Adam walked in and told me to come with him. I said “I don’t think I want to do that”. He used his man voice and calmly, but sternly told me to get in there, as he pointed to our bedroom. Then he asked Jackie to take the kids out back for a little while. My heart was racing as I walked past him into our bedroom and he shut the door. He asked me to sit down on the bed and I shook my head no. I got the look from him as he repeated himself. He wasn’t asking this time. He was giving an order. I was expecting him to sit down beside me so he could pull me over his lap, but instead, he stood in front of me. He began with the lecture. I honestly can’t remember exactly what he started with, but I know I got asked a lot of questions like “Why are we here?” and “What did I tell you would happen?” I really plead my case, too. I kept repeating to him that I never ever imagined this would be something that “broke the rubber band”! I didn’t think he would care. I honestly thought I was being funny texting him that I’d bought myself something and then telling him it was only a payday candy bar. When five minutes went by without another text from him, I asked him if that made him mad?? I didn’t dream that it would. He told me this is the problem. I don’t take him seriously. He wasn’t exactly happy that I couldn’t understand why it upset him today. He’s been too relaxed and he’s not doing that anymore. We have a walk in closet in our bathroom and he disappeared into it. I started to cry and begged him “Adam, no. Please? You’re scaring me now.” From the closet, he softly replied “I’m not going to scare you. I’m going to help you”. I argued, “I believe you Adam! I understand!” as he walked out, through our bathroom, toward me.

I had seriously considered hiding all of the belts. I even pulled them from the closet a couple of times and then returned them because I was afraid that if he wasn’t going to use one of those bastards, he would if I hid them. I imagined he would see it as being even more disrespectful. Also, I canceled the dish towels I’d ordered even before Adam got home because I figured if a candy bar caused all this, dish towels might be a real bad idea right now. I don’t think I have ever taken my husband more seriously before. I can almost always talk my way out of trouble. Some of the time, I don’t even think I am in the wrong. I tried everything before he got home. I was sweet. I argued my point of view. I even got angry toward the end, when I knew he would be home any minute. My emotions were all over the place. I felt shock, fear, confusion, sadness, anger. I also felt proud of Adam. I do want him to be able to stand up to me. I respect him when he stays calm and I am assured that he still loves me, even right now. He text me and called me “hunny” in one of his messages in our back and forth all day. That simple word included in a text from him told me that, even though he’s upset, he loves me. I’m still his Boo, Hunny, Baby… I feel more safe and loved than ever. I know he isn’t going to hurt me. At least, he isn’t going to hurt my heart. He isn’t going to say anything that damages the trust I have in him. He’s holding onto authority because he isn’t going low and being cruel with the words he’s saying. He’s holding onto authority because he isn’t backing down, either. There’s an older country song that goes “Daddy’s hands weren’t always gentle, but I’ve come to understand that there was always love in daddy’s hands”. I like to think that is Adam, too. Maybe he is upset, but it’s not about taking out his anger on me. It’s about standing firm and never letting me down. Never giving me any doubt that there is love in everything he’s saying and doing. That gives me a security that I can’t describe in words. It means everything to me. I went to sleep in his arms, like any other night. I had a renewed appreciation for my husband. I woke up this morning with a real sense of respect for him. I want to obey. Not just because he can and will pull me over his lap and spank me til I’m sorry! I’d rather not experience that feeling again. At least, not today. But, I also genuinely want to show him that I believe him, and I believe in him. I trust that he means what he is saying. I respect him. I love him forever and a day.

I didn’t say a darned word about no kitchen towels today. I was screwing around thinking it would be funny if I made Adam think I’d done something I wasn’t supposed to, and then told him I’m just kidding. It was just a candy bar. Apparently, he isn’t laughing. And now I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. At first, I didn’t think he was serious. It doesn’t seem like he’s joking with me, though. First time in a very long time when I am not looking forward to him coming home. Seriously can’t believe this is what pushed him too far!!!